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Kinda emo... but justified if you know me. Come learn....
18 years ago
In life, The People are represented by two separate yet equally important groups:
The Fates, who investigate all the possible alternatives to 'Joy';
and the forces of Chaos, who defile the fabric of The Tapestry Of Life.
These are my stories.....
The Fates, who investigate all the possible alternatives to 'Joy';
and the forces of Chaos, who defile the fabric of The Tapestry Of Life.
These are my stories.....
I'm not one for spilling my guts on the floor often... but right now, I feel like it. So, if you want to skip over this fearing it's gunna be a wussy-assed emo-fest, by all means, feel free. But then again, if you've seen my references to 'Fujin' before, maybe you'll learn a little something about it.
I met Fujin 7 Sept 1988 - her first day of college classes (SUNY @ Fredonia), the start of my third (and final) semester. She was late coming into All College Band (ACB was around 2pm) and I saw her peek her head into the band room and waved her in telling her she was in the right place.
We left band and didn't interact at all.
After dinner, I went over to one of the all-girl's dorm to see if my friend from the year before was still in the same room. Turned out she was, met me in the hall outside her room, gave me her BIG hug and then said, "...And this is my new room mate, __________."
Fujin, not batting an eye, looked at me and said, "I know you..."
I had NO idea wtf she was talking about... but she clued me in pretty quick.
Three days later, after professing up and down that we were both scared of our baggage and didn't want a relationship, we knew we were an item when we kissed.... "Groovy Kind Of Love" by Phil Collins played right after - Our Song.
We knew.... We were and ARE... Soulmates in the truest sense of the fairytale world.
I left school that Dec and moved back to Long Island - 500 miles away... I didn't do well / wasn't ready for college.
I moved up to be with her 14 Nov '92 in a basement apartment....I do NOT recommend that experience to anyone!
We married 17 Jul '93.
Our baby, 'TinyTribble', was born 23 Aug '02 - she's going to be 5 this August.
About 7 weeks later, Fujin was correctly diagnosed with a RARE cancer - Angiosarcoma. She had to stop breast feeding and begin chemo / radiation / surgery to get it under control.
We (including the cat, Bandit) slept in our house after construction 18 May '03... though we REALLY should have waited so I could clean it up more.
The longest we had ever been apart was a four-month stint when I couldn't drive from Long Island to see her at Fredonia (a nearly 10 hr drive including rest / nap stops).
On the 22nd of May at 7pm Eastern time, it will have been 2 years since I lost her.
She was 34 years, 9 months, 12 days old and in my life 16 years, 8 months, 15 days.
I know you've all seem me say how I love her, how certain chars you've done reminds me of her...
Mapper, Yawg, Verm and a bunch of you from the Yahoo groups that have known me for a long time shared my grief and my pain as some of all that was going on... and wept with me at her loss.
I keep going on, being a single dad, a full-time father AND mother to TT as best I can... and I started the website, www.Angiosarcoma.org to help the other families... as well as the fund raising team, End Of Cycle For Sarcoma for the Ride For Roswell ( www.RideForRoswell.org ) - a pledge drive for the Roswell Park Cancer Institute in Buffalo, NY, that treated her and helped her get the experimental treatment that, sadly, might have saved her life if she'd gotten it a year earlier.
I'm not looking for pity - that's useless to me.
I'm not looking for donations - That's not my way.
I'm not looking for anything except to explain why I say the things I do....
So, you folks watching me.. you couples, no matter what label your relationship has, this message is for you:
If you Love, LOVE! Tell your partner, daily, HOURLY, that you love them.. and you LOVE, deeply, with no restraints or caveats or limitations. GIVE your heart - let it go to your soulmate, and you will find the GREATEST shining pleasure that Life has to offer.
And to you others who, as yet, still don't have your other-half.... They are out there. They will join you and make you whole and so completely blindside you, you will wonder how you ever lived without that person before... Hell, you'll wonder how you lived with your eyes half-open.. your heart, only half-filled.. your soul half-complete all those years.
Fujin was MY Soulmate... My Half... She was my equal, my partner in all things, my TieGress, my pony, my princess, my geisha, my purpose, my submissive, my Heart and my light.
I have said many times before, i do not wish this pain on anyone.. and I mean it. I don't have a martyr complex; its just the truth - no one needs this.
If I could have taken her pain, her disease, so that she could have walked away... I would have, in an instant, unhesitatingly, unequivocally....
So... if you read my comments later.. and I compliment you... or offer to help in something... or whatever.... Please, know that I say it in total honesty with no pretense nor ulterior motives or meaning. My life and mind doesn't play with petty double-meanings or hidden agendas anymore.
So, if you made it this far... I am TRULY grateful and I wish you well, peace, strength and HALF the love we knew.
And to my Fujin, whose ring I still wear 'round my neck.. and will until TT needs it....
Matane, Fujin.... Dream of me.
I met Fujin 7 Sept 1988 - her first day of college classes (SUNY @ Fredonia), the start of my third (and final) semester. She was late coming into All College Band (ACB was around 2pm) and I saw her peek her head into the band room and waved her in telling her she was in the right place.
We left band and didn't interact at all.
After dinner, I went over to one of the all-girl's dorm to see if my friend from the year before was still in the same room. Turned out she was, met me in the hall outside her room, gave me her BIG hug and then said, "...And this is my new room mate, __________."
Fujin, not batting an eye, looked at me and said, "I know you..."
I had NO idea wtf she was talking about... but she clued me in pretty quick.
Three days later, after professing up and down that we were both scared of our baggage and didn't want a relationship, we knew we were an item when we kissed.... "Groovy Kind Of Love" by Phil Collins played right after - Our Song.
We knew.... We were and ARE... Soulmates in the truest sense of the fairytale world.
I left school that Dec and moved back to Long Island - 500 miles away... I didn't do well / wasn't ready for college.
I moved up to be with her 14 Nov '92 in a basement apartment....I do NOT recommend that experience to anyone!
We married 17 Jul '93.
Our baby, 'TinyTribble', was born 23 Aug '02 - she's going to be 5 this August.
About 7 weeks later, Fujin was correctly diagnosed with a RARE cancer - Angiosarcoma. She had to stop breast feeding and begin chemo / radiation / surgery to get it under control.
We (including the cat, Bandit) slept in our house after construction 18 May '03... though we REALLY should have waited so I could clean it up more.
The longest we had ever been apart was a four-month stint when I couldn't drive from Long Island to see her at Fredonia (a nearly 10 hr drive including rest / nap stops).
On the 22nd of May at 7pm Eastern time, it will have been 2 years since I lost her.
She was 34 years, 9 months, 12 days old and in my life 16 years, 8 months, 15 days.
I know you've all seem me say how I love her, how certain chars you've done reminds me of her...
Mapper, Yawg, Verm and a bunch of you from the Yahoo groups that have known me for a long time shared my grief and my pain as some of all that was going on... and wept with me at her loss.
I keep going on, being a single dad, a full-time father AND mother to TT as best I can... and I started the website, www.Angiosarcoma.org to help the other families... as well as the fund raising team, End Of Cycle For Sarcoma for the Ride For Roswell ( www.RideForRoswell.org ) - a pledge drive for the Roswell Park Cancer Institute in Buffalo, NY, that treated her and helped her get the experimental treatment that, sadly, might have saved her life if she'd gotten it a year earlier.
I'm not looking for pity - that's useless to me.
I'm not looking for donations - That's not my way.
I'm not looking for anything except to explain why I say the things I do....
So, you folks watching me.. you couples, no matter what label your relationship has, this message is for you:
If you Love, LOVE! Tell your partner, daily, HOURLY, that you love them.. and you LOVE, deeply, with no restraints or caveats or limitations. GIVE your heart - let it go to your soulmate, and you will find the GREATEST shining pleasure that Life has to offer.
And to you others who, as yet, still don't have your other-half.... They are out there. They will join you and make you whole and so completely blindside you, you will wonder how you ever lived without that person before... Hell, you'll wonder how you lived with your eyes half-open.. your heart, only half-filled.. your soul half-complete all those years.
Fujin was MY Soulmate... My Half... She was my equal, my partner in all things, my TieGress, my pony, my princess, my geisha, my purpose, my submissive, my Heart and my light.
I have said many times before, i do not wish this pain on anyone.. and I mean it. I don't have a martyr complex; its just the truth - no one needs this.
If I could have taken her pain, her disease, so that she could have walked away... I would have, in an instant, unhesitatingly, unequivocally....
So... if you read my comments later.. and I compliment you... or offer to help in something... or whatever.... Please, know that I say it in total honesty with no pretense nor ulterior motives or meaning. My life and mind doesn't play with petty double-meanings or hidden agendas anymore.
So, if you made it this far... I am TRULY grateful and I wish you well, peace, strength and HALF the love we knew.
And to my Fujin, whose ring I still wear 'round my neck.. and will until TT needs it....
Matane, Fujin.... Dream of me.
Be patient.... It will come when you've learned to be comfortable being you.
I pray that things get better as well.
It's hell missing the ones you love. Nothing Emo (whatever that means) about it. And damned obvious how much you loved her.