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To those who give a shit: Why I am going insane.. TL;DR
15 years ago
General
I posted this on DeviantArt, but I know I have a lot of friends who exclusively use this site as well so I might as well update here too. Im not requiring anyone to read it, its just if youre interested in. Sorry I know this is all very personal life issues ><
Ok so a lot of shit has been going on in my life and I feel like just typing out EVERYTHING because I have nothing better to do but bitch about my stupid problems.
I'll just start at the beginning and work my way towards right now. Get ready for some TL;DR,
My mother's best friends name is Karen. They have been friends for 27 years. Her oldest Daughter is Kortney, who is 18, and her youngest daughter is Kennedy who is 11. Karen's husband is Alvin. Also they adopted Kortney's boyfriend as their foster son, from his previous foster parents. Kourt's boyfriends name is Michael. Now Karen and her family is like a family to us, I grew up being apart of their lives and theirs apart of ours. Karen was having her house foreclosed and her and her family had no where else to go.
So my mom said they could live with us.
Now I live in a double-wide trailer with my brother Kyle (18) and my sister Sabrina (13) We have two cats also. (Murphy and Oliver)
Karen is a dog breeder. She has 31 dogs. not a joke. 31 Also Michael has a dog too, an Alaskan Malamute named Oaklie and she has been living with us before Karen and them moved in because Michael couldn't take care of his dog and plans on paying my mom back eventually for the expenses of her.
So anyway first it was just Karen and Kennedy and Alvin. And their dogs. The dogs were in cages on the porch and in the fence in the backyard.
Kourtney and her boyfriend Michael were staying elsewhere.
At first it wasn't so bad, just a lot of freaking barking from her yapper dogs. (Morkies, Yorkies, Maltese, Miniature Pinchers...)
Now a little thing about Karen, she has bi polar disorder and has depression and a bunch of other crap- she carries a CVS with her in her purse. Well so does Kourtney, who DOESNT take her medicine. My mother is also bi-polar and so am I (But we aren't clinically approved, my doctor told me I had depression but I never got tested for bi-polar. Trust me. I know that we are) So its a house full of fucking basket cases. Mine isnt very bad and I know I don't need medicine. As for my mother, she actually probably needs medicine but is against the usage of it.
Every single day my mom gets drunk. Not just on the weekends. Not just every other day. EVERY DAY. the fridge ALWAYS ALWAYS has beer in it. Once it's night time you can expect the radio to be blasting and my mother to be drunk and blabbering. Since Karen has been here they talk to each other a lot.
Anyway finally Kourtney and Michael moved in. Every single day since they moved in they have fought constantly. Kourtney would fight with her boyfriend or fight with her mom or her sister or MY MOM and would raise hell over every little thing. She screams and she slams doors and just never ever shuts up.
Kourtney has been flipping her top lately since a run in with her aunt at wal-mart. Her aunt just happens to be married to a man who sexually abused her and her sister and she has Post traumatic stress disorder because of it. They are having to go to a bunch of court dates over the run in because her aunt claimed Karen assaulted her. (which she didn't)
So kourtney and her boyfriend are up the wall, KAREN is fucking passed out half the time because her medicine her doctor prescribed her puts her out in an almost coma-like state and shes having trouble taking care of her 31 fucking yapper toys. So the porch is constantly ... annoying and smelling like shit. Now Karen DID try her very best to keep up with them.
Anyway then her husband ends up in the hospital because he has multiple-sclerosis and something else, some sort of cancerous thing in his lungs and another disease causd by working around a lot of toxic fumes. Her husband is just got a lot of fucked up problems. But they don't have any money and they just lost their insurance so they don't have shit.
kourtney had a job and her boyfriend michael had a job and was trying to help out but Michael lost his job because he fucking stole $20 worth of gum and kourtney lost HER job because her boyfriend didn't like that one of the guys kourtney as working with was hitting on her so he made her quit. So great neither of them have jobs now. Karen at least has some food stamps. But wait she needs to split that with everyone. My mom doesnt want her living with us completely for free, we can barely afford to FEED OURSELVES. We live in a fucking trailer and my mom is the only one providing for us she want take care of 11 people. Did I say 11?
Well Our neighbors neice Sandy and her 1 year old baby are also living with us. How the fuck did that happen? I don't know. I don't understand it. She doesn't have a job either.
So what do we have now? 31 dogs on the porch, one inside. 2 cats, 11 people and a baby. (Michael, Kourtney, Karen, Alvin (Who is here sometimes and sometimes in the hospital), Kennedy, my brother Kyle, Me, My mom, my sister sabrina, Sandy) We've got dogs barking, we've got a baby CRYING AND SCREAMING. We've got MY MOTHER IS THE ONLY ONE IN THE HOUSE WITH A JOB, we've got people who are all fucking mentally insane fighting with eachother, nothing stays clean and there's hardly any food...every day there is SOMETHING GOING COMPLETELY WRONG. And my family wonders why I stay in my room all the time. HA. HAHAHA. AAHA. GOD DAMMIT.
By the way, my boyfriend is now staying in a place with limited internet access so we can't talk all the time like we used to and he can't use his own phone because it doesn't have money on it so he has to borrow a phone that he can only use to talk to me which he doesn't get to do every night and if we do talk its when we are both tired and we don't always get to have long conversations. Sometimes we go entire days without talking to each-other and call me dependent but I NEED TO TALK TO HIM TO STAY SANE.
Anyway at one point recentley My mom and Kourtney got into a fist fight over a dumb drunken argument and beat the shit out of each-other and that was lovely. My mother is a very aggressive person and you can't fuck with her. But Kourtney is ALSO A VERY AGGRESSIVE PERSON AND YOU CANT FUCK WITH HER EITHER. Put them together and you have something terrible.
oh and a few days later Michael Overdosed on cocaine and had to go to the hospital. He tried lying to the doctor and saying that it was an asthma attack. YOU FUCKING IDIOT HE CANT TREAT YOU PROPERLY IF YOU FUCKING LIE TO HIM. *ahem*
And her and michael keep spending what little money they have on weed or perkisets (however you fucking spell it)
so yes they are druggies and are fucking broke but living here and fucking constantly screaming at each-other. Its not like my room blocks all sound.
But fuck my room doesn't even have a working lock so its not like I can keep it closed if I want to. The only people who barge into my room anyway are my brother, sister, and mom.
So I'm either sleeping all the time or not sleeping enough and Im definitely not eating enough and I can't get any peace and everyone's problems are affecting me and becoming my problems.
Also slightly off track here- There is a cat living under our house and she had 3 kittens. I say had because one of them was killed by Karen's fucking dogs outside because it got into one of their cages. I really fucking hate those fucking dogs. That made me pretty sad.
someone also shut the door on Oaklie in my room and she tore up the carpet and destroyed everything and I still haven't fully cleaned up everything because i have no desire to.
Just recentley my mom and Karen had a fight- and they haven't fought with eachother ever. They have been friends for 27 years and NEVER had a fight. But it happened because Karen's breeder friend Denise started a plot to steal karens dogs from her.
She offered to watch karens dogs for her so they could get out of those cages and run around. Well while Karen was at court because of other problems Denise had told my mom that Karen was going to try and steal the dog she gave to her.
(Che-Che is a golden morkie Karen gave to my mother. It is an $800 dog)
Denise told KAREN that she needed the dog from her and Karen had no right to give it away. (Karen and her DO have an agreement to split certain litters because of money Karen owes her)
So like, she told Karen to get the dog from my mom, and told my mom that Karen was making up a lie that she asked for it. So when Karen asked my mom for the dog and explained what Denise told her my mom called her a liar and refused to talk to her. Densie came over and took every single dog Karen owned out of the cages to her house and is trying to sell all of karens dogs.
Karen is going to have to go to court with her for that too.
I really fucking hate those dogs but that woman has no right to take them from her. Denise happens to be losing her house as well and Karen and her have been breeder buddies for quite a while now. This incident almost destroyed mother and Karens friendship.
So I'm stressed out over my living environment. And the fact that I NEED TO GET WORK DONE. SO I CAN MAKE SOME MONEY. SO I CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE>
I want to move in with my boyfriend and get away from all this shit.
But I still need to get my G.E.D also.
If I wasn't so fucking poor I'd be out of here already but fuck there is nothing I can really do.
I have no desire to eat or to do anything productive even though I know I have to and I fucking hate it.
I'm not happy and I can't fucking make myself happy and I cant fucking make anyone else happy. I can only sit back and watch as everything around me just tears apart. My dreams are even fucking with me.
There is even more of this but I feel like Im going to fucking throw up.
If anyone else asks me what is WRONG WITH ME
I AM GOING TO LINK THEM TO THIS JOURNAL. DO I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT? NO I DONT BECAUSE THERE IS TOO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT. AKLJDFKLjfljsdljsdklfdkdlkd
Also I miss my boyfriend, like in person. Not just "online"
and I miss not having any pressure or stress
I miss it actually being quiet.
I miss actually having a desire to eat anything
I miss eating things that I actually want to eat
Oh and people are screaming and fighting and crying and shit right now as Im typing this. The power was out earlier today and my internet is being dumb. Ughkljfdklfd
OK IM DONE.
IM SHUTTING UP.
and Im sorry if I sounded mean Im not directing any anger towards any of you. Just. Like. This is what is wrong with me right now. okay. Yeah.
Also I made my "MOOD" irrelevant on purpose. Cuz like. I just wanted a ":C" sad face but there isn't one. So yeah MERRY CHRISTMAS.
IF YOU ACTUALLY READ ALL OF THIS SHIT THEN YOU GET A COOKIE. NOT A REAL ONE THOUGH. k bye
Ok so a lot of shit has been going on in my life and I feel like just typing out EVERYTHING because I have nothing better to do but bitch about my stupid problems.
I'll just start at the beginning and work my way towards right now. Get ready for some TL;DR,
My mother's best friends name is Karen. They have been friends for 27 years. Her oldest Daughter is Kortney, who is 18, and her youngest daughter is Kennedy who is 11. Karen's husband is Alvin. Also they adopted Kortney's boyfriend as their foster son, from his previous foster parents. Kourt's boyfriends name is Michael. Now Karen and her family is like a family to us, I grew up being apart of their lives and theirs apart of ours. Karen was having her house foreclosed and her and her family had no where else to go.
So my mom said they could live with us.
Now I live in a double-wide trailer with my brother Kyle (18) and my sister Sabrina (13) We have two cats also. (Murphy and Oliver)
Karen is a dog breeder. She has 31 dogs. not a joke. 31 Also Michael has a dog too, an Alaskan Malamute named Oaklie and she has been living with us before Karen and them moved in because Michael couldn't take care of his dog and plans on paying my mom back eventually for the expenses of her.
So anyway first it was just Karen and Kennedy and Alvin. And their dogs. The dogs were in cages on the porch and in the fence in the backyard.
Kourtney and her boyfriend Michael were staying elsewhere.
At first it wasn't so bad, just a lot of freaking barking from her yapper dogs. (Morkies, Yorkies, Maltese, Miniature Pinchers...)
Now a little thing about Karen, she has bi polar disorder and has depression and a bunch of other crap- she carries a CVS with her in her purse. Well so does Kourtney, who DOESNT take her medicine. My mother is also bi-polar and so am I (But we aren't clinically approved, my doctor told me I had depression but I never got tested for bi-polar. Trust me. I know that we are) So its a house full of fucking basket cases. Mine isnt very bad and I know I don't need medicine. As for my mother, she actually probably needs medicine but is against the usage of it.
Every single day my mom gets drunk. Not just on the weekends. Not just every other day. EVERY DAY. the fridge ALWAYS ALWAYS has beer in it. Once it's night time you can expect the radio to be blasting and my mother to be drunk and blabbering. Since Karen has been here they talk to each other a lot.
Anyway finally Kourtney and Michael moved in. Every single day since they moved in they have fought constantly. Kourtney would fight with her boyfriend or fight with her mom or her sister or MY MOM and would raise hell over every little thing. She screams and she slams doors and just never ever shuts up.
Kourtney has been flipping her top lately since a run in with her aunt at wal-mart. Her aunt just happens to be married to a man who sexually abused her and her sister and she has Post traumatic stress disorder because of it. They are having to go to a bunch of court dates over the run in because her aunt claimed Karen assaulted her. (which she didn't)
So kourtney and her boyfriend are up the wall, KAREN is fucking passed out half the time because her medicine her doctor prescribed her puts her out in an almost coma-like state and shes having trouble taking care of her 31 fucking yapper toys. So the porch is constantly ... annoying and smelling like shit. Now Karen DID try her very best to keep up with them.
Anyway then her husband ends up in the hospital because he has multiple-sclerosis and something else, some sort of cancerous thing in his lungs and another disease causd by working around a lot of toxic fumes. Her husband is just got a lot of fucked up problems. But they don't have any money and they just lost their insurance so they don't have shit.
kourtney had a job and her boyfriend michael had a job and was trying to help out but Michael lost his job because he fucking stole $20 worth of gum and kourtney lost HER job because her boyfriend didn't like that one of the guys kourtney as working with was hitting on her so he made her quit. So great neither of them have jobs now. Karen at least has some food stamps. But wait she needs to split that with everyone. My mom doesnt want her living with us completely for free, we can barely afford to FEED OURSELVES. We live in a fucking trailer and my mom is the only one providing for us she want take care of 11 people. Did I say 11?
Well Our neighbors neice Sandy and her 1 year old baby are also living with us. How the fuck did that happen? I don't know. I don't understand it. She doesn't have a job either.
So what do we have now? 31 dogs on the porch, one inside. 2 cats, 11 people and a baby. (Michael, Kourtney, Karen, Alvin (Who is here sometimes and sometimes in the hospital), Kennedy, my brother Kyle, Me, My mom, my sister sabrina, Sandy) We've got dogs barking, we've got a baby CRYING AND SCREAMING. We've got MY MOTHER IS THE ONLY ONE IN THE HOUSE WITH A JOB, we've got people who are all fucking mentally insane fighting with eachother, nothing stays clean and there's hardly any food...every day there is SOMETHING GOING COMPLETELY WRONG. And my family wonders why I stay in my room all the time. HA. HAHAHA. AAHA. GOD DAMMIT.
By the way, my boyfriend is now staying in a place with limited internet access so we can't talk all the time like we used to and he can't use his own phone because it doesn't have money on it so he has to borrow a phone that he can only use to talk to me which he doesn't get to do every night and if we do talk its when we are both tired and we don't always get to have long conversations. Sometimes we go entire days without talking to each-other and call me dependent but I NEED TO TALK TO HIM TO STAY SANE.
Anyway at one point recentley My mom and Kourtney got into a fist fight over a dumb drunken argument and beat the shit out of each-other and that was lovely. My mother is a very aggressive person and you can't fuck with her. But Kourtney is ALSO A VERY AGGRESSIVE PERSON AND YOU CANT FUCK WITH HER EITHER. Put them together and you have something terrible.
oh and a few days later Michael Overdosed on cocaine and had to go to the hospital. He tried lying to the doctor and saying that it was an asthma attack. YOU FUCKING IDIOT HE CANT TREAT YOU PROPERLY IF YOU FUCKING LIE TO HIM. *ahem*
And her and michael keep spending what little money they have on weed or perkisets (however you fucking spell it)
so yes they are druggies and are fucking broke but living here and fucking constantly screaming at each-other. Its not like my room blocks all sound.
But fuck my room doesn't even have a working lock so its not like I can keep it closed if I want to. The only people who barge into my room anyway are my brother, sister, and mom.
So I'm either sleeping all the time or not sleeping enough and Im definitely not eating enough and I can't get any peace and everyone's problems are affecting me and becoming my problems.
Also slightly off track here- There is a cat living under our house and she had 3 kittens. I say had because one of them was killed by Karen's fucking dogs outside because it got into one of their cages. I really fucking hate those fucking dogs. That made me pretty sad.
someone also shut the door on Oaklie in my room and she tore up the carpet and destroyed everything and I still haven't fully cleaned up everything because i have no desire to.
Just recentley my mom and Karen had a fight- and they haven't fought with eachother ever. They have been friends for 27 years and NEVER had a fight. But it happened because Karen's breeder friend Denise started a plot to steal karens dogs from her.
She offered to watch karens dogs for her so they could get out of those cages and run around. Well while Karen was at court because of other problems Denise had told my mom that Karen was going to try and steal the dog she gave to her.
(Che-Che is a golden morkie Karen gave to my mother. It is an $800 dog)
Denise told KAREN that she needed the dog from her and Karen had no right to give it away. (Karen and her DO have an agreement to split certain litters because of money Karen owes her)
So like, she told Karen to get the dog from my mom, and told my mom that Karen was making up a lie that she asked for it. So when Karen asked my mom for the dog and explained what Denise told her my mom called her a liar and refused to talk to her. Densie came over and took every single dog Karen owned out of the cages to her house and is trying to sell all of karens dogs.
Karen is going to have to go to court with her for that too.
I really fucking hate those dogs but that woman has no right to take them from her. Denise happens to be losing her house as well and Karen and her have been breeder buddies for quite a while now. This incident almost destroyed mother and Karens friendship.
So I'm stressed out over my living environment. And the fact that I NEED TO GET WORK DONE. SO I CAN MAKE SOME MONEY. SO I CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE>
I want to move in with my boyfriend and get away from all this shit.
But I still need to get my G.E.D also.
If I wasn't so fucking poor I'd be out of here already but fuck there is nothing I can really do.
I have no desire to eat or to do anything productive even though I know I have to and I fucking hate it.
I'm not happy and I can't fucking make myself happy and I cant fucking make anyone else happy. I can only sit back and watch as everything around me just tears apart. My dreams are even fucking with me.
There is even more of this but I feel like Im going to fucking throw up.
If anyone else asks me what is WRONG WITH ME
I AM GOING TO LINK THEM TO THIS JOURNAL. DO I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT? NO I DONT BECAUSE THERE IS TOO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT. AKLJDFKLjfljsdljsdklfdkdlkd
Also I miss my boyfriend, like in person. Not just "online"
and I miss not having any pressure or stress
I miss it actually being quiet.
I miss actually having a desire to eat anything
I miss eating things that I actually want to eat
Oh and people are screaming and fighting and crying and shit right now as Im typing this. The power was out earlier today and my internet is being dumb. Ughkljfdklfd
OK IM DONE.
IM SHUTTING UP.
and Im sorry if I sounded mean Im not directing any anger towards any of you. Just. Like. This is what is wrong with me right now. okay. Yeah.
Also I made my "MOOD" irrelevant on purpose. Cuz like. I just wanted a ":C" sad face but there isn't one. So yeah MERRY CHRISTMAS.
IF YOU ACTUALLY READ ALL OF THIS SHIT THEN YOU GET A COOKIE. NOT A REAL ONE THOUGH. k bye
-Z
I'm glad you vented, hunhun its a good thing and I'm sure people will support you more after hearing about this. x.x;
(Adsshs sorry if this didn't mean anything... x.x;;)
I've been in similar positions in different times of my life, druggies/tweaks usually bring a horrible environment to the household. So I can sympathize in just...the horrible feelings it causes being in that situation. You have to claw and fight your way out of it, and for me when I finally was it still took like 2 months to settle down and accept "Oh thank god, they really AREN'T coming or allowed back."
For my own moral reasons I do not support breeding; But especially backyard breeding where apparently those dogs sound very unsocialized if they're killing kittens and just sitting in cages outside with that many of them...They shouldn't be breeding in those conditions. They're honestly probably better off in other homes. :/ Not saying its right to steal them because that's still a money issue and yeah...not touching that with a 60 foot pole. But financial attachment to them aside things will probably be better off with them gone.
One thing I would suggest is a lock for your room, if anything for some sanity to sleep at night. I would get things stolen right from my room, even things directly off my desk while my boyfriend and I were sleeping. (You'd have to walk past our bed to get to it, which was disturbing enough someone would enter while we were in there to steal from us let alone the fact that yeah, stealing from us at all was not cool. We were trying to help my worthless brother, and he'd just invite and bring over these people he pretty much barely knew. :| ) We had to get a lock and eventually sleep at night even with our door locked...
It didn't end until he finally got violent toward me (I'm his younger sister, he's about 8 years older than me as well as much larger as I'm 18) and hit me in the face that my dad finally kicked him out...But it was still 8 months of hell, and growing up in literally a trailer park tweak environment was enough to last me a lifetime. If I never had to deal with that kind of stuff again it'd be too soon, and I'm sure you feel the same way. ;~;
Enough of my part though, cause TL;DR I can sympathize very very much...
How much would it take you to move out or is there any ETA/does your boyfriend have somewhere for you to stay? Or from the sounds of it are both of you are having issues getting on your feet?
And wow so you do understand how this is ._. Your brother is an ass, my brother is generally abusive too but he's younger than I am. But he's been drinking so much lately which is actually kinda softened out his attitude.
My goal for moving out monetary wise is ~$500 (plane ticket+ down payment for apartment+the money my boyfriend has saved up) My boyfriend found some decent government subsidized apartments near where he lives. Which would be affordable on just me working on commissions. but the down payment is $300
My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and rarely get to see each other but when I move I plan on moving in with him permanently. And I'll have 0 regrets for leaving my state behind. As none of my family is really fond of me nor am I of them and I really wont miss them. I've been trying to move out even before my moms friend and her family came to live here. (My mother is an alchoholic and verbally and physically abusive and doesn't care how old I am and pretty much the rest of my family is the same, except my dad who just doesn't care to be around me in general since he has another daughter *my half sister* and girlfriend in Texas and never spared child support when I was young despite him having tons of money)
My boyfriend is having trouble finding a job, but I'd rather work constantly and support us both than live here. At least I'd be with someone who loves me. (God knows he really IS trying to get a job, he's filled out hundreds of applications...)
and your TL;DR is fine! You read all of mine afterall~ And I appreciate you sharing your input with me, it actually calms me to know I'm not alone ...
Eric/
It took him quite a few months to find a job out here since the economy has just been brutal, but about a month and a half of his hardest search effort (we no car at the time, which thankfully we have one now, so back then he'd take the bus pretty much every day to go apply and follow up in person to places he'd already been to.) it finally paid off. Since it took a couple of months to sink in that his normal effort (which wasn't bad, but doesn't work for this job drought) wasn't gonna cut it. So we know exactly how much pain it takes to find a job lately, and I wish him luck in that regard too. ;_;
I sincerely apologize for everything you have been put through, continue to be put through, and hopefully, things can cool down to a workable level for you soon, and if possible, you do get the chance to leave that emotional "shit hole", if you want to use those words.
*hugs*