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My Story!
15 years ago
I just...wanted to tell people WHY I am doing this for To Write Love On Her Arms and why I am such a activist for them.
Three... really hard things have happened. (They are not the only ones trust me, I've been through... so... so much more.)
When I was a kid, I never knew my dad, the one guy that was supposed to be my dad, really didn't want to step up to the plate and be my dad because I wasn't "His kid" he just liked to play the part. Around his family and everyone I was to call him "Gary" and not "Dad" or I would be punished. His family couldn't know that my mom and him were "married".
Well.... about 7 years ago I finally met my dad. It was one of the most amazing points in my life. My mom had forbid me to ever meet him. But my older sister stole me away one morning to go have breakfast with her and made it possible for me to meet my father. The first time I saw him, I hugged him so tightly, we both cried and cried together. It was... very emotional. I hated when he had to go back to Cali to work. He took vacations every so often to see us girls (Five of us, the three oldest the most, I was one)
And so, time went on and I started to get to know my dad, I'd visit with him hang out with him and have fun wth him. I remember ripping on his arm hair. He didn't care at all. He swatted me away a few times and I just went back at it :D
The other really hard thing at that time, was that my mom was a severe drug addict. Gary couldn't control her, I could only take care of her. I became her mother at 14 years old. In turn I turned into a cutter. Cutting at my arms and at my legs and making home made tattoos. My great grandfather died and my mom hated herself and hated life. I don't know why. I don't know what made her snap but something really hit her hard. She stopped being my mother after that...
Dad had come down again and he had told us that he was gonna move back up to NH so that he could be with all of us girls. He'd live there and I was trying so hard to go live with him. I couldn't take my life anymore with my mother and no one was helping me. I was I believe 16-17 at this time. Two and a half years my mom spend addicted to drugs. 2 1/2 years I can never ever get back.
Mom eventually cleaned herself up. I stayed, silent and broken. But.. also not long after. I remember this just like it was yesterday... I was at school and my sister had given me a call, asking me when I last heard from my dad. I told her a few days ago, and I asked her what was wrong. She said nothing and that it was fine. I didn't know what to think...
*takes a bit of a deep breath*
A few days later I get a call, my sister is on the phone, tells me that my father has killed himself, that he put a hose to the back of his car, left the engine on and died. They said that he had been drinking for a few days straight, packed all his good clothes and was going to run away, he had his phone on him the entire time. He never picked up the phone.
My father died September 25th 2005.
Some of the things mentioned here, I've never talked about before. These were very very hard and sad times for me. I don't like to talk about them really at all. But, I wanted people to know just a taste of why I was so passionate for this group. THose that get to the end of this... Thank you. So much.. I just ask please, do NOT pity me or feel bad for me. I am in such... such a better place now.
And I've always said, if I can save at least one life, then all my pain was worth it. If my story saved yours then it was all very much worth it.
Thank you....
i think im going to post my own journal like this.. of my story.. i could link it back to here, i probably will.
You are very welcome to do as I have. I just... didn't want people to join and think that I had no motive. I am honestly, doing this as charity work. I want to show them when we gain enough members :)
my story is a bit drawn out. and i know i dont have the "worst" story out there, but it still caused me pain and depression and stress and trauma..
to be honest, TWLOHA probably saved me. when i found out about it, i was really impressed by how many people i saw online (facebook, deviantart, etc) who took part in it, and i talked to a few people who really helped me through :]
im glad you made this group here. <3
Would it be ok for me to post my story on here? even though i never did that kind of thing before?
Yes,of course. you can post your story. Anyone can.
I am feel weak some times for posting this. I hate pity and that's never what I seek. I just want people out there to know that there are situations that are more intense then others. Grant you my story is little it still shows people that we all suffer and we all feel.
Thats my story, hope it isn't too long winded.
The following years I lived with my grandparents dealing with the mental conflicts that my father has caused. I still struggle with it. As time moves on my grandparents get sick and depression for me kicks in. Only once I took the blade to myself and that was to stop a panic attack. I still have frequent panic attacks and scared all the time.
Just month ago a close friend of mine, he was sick and getting sicker. I, sadly, did not know all of the details until a fateful night in January. He was growing weaker and weaker and in his mind was becoming a burden to those he cared about and loved. With this in mind he took a gun and shot himself in the heart. I hadn't spoken to him in over a week. And he had helped me meld into a furry I am now and a more confident person, almost another father.
This is only some things that I've personally been through, and like many, have lived through. I use this now as my strength to get me through and become better. It doesn't have to be a weight, it can be a fuel to fly you to the stars.
I know drug addiction is hard. I face so much even now with everything that I've been through. I still vent and I still struggle. But we all have to make that stride for a better life and to let go and forgive those that have hurt us. I am glad that you are in a better place now.
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2470354/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3312971/
I feel for you