FA+
Shop
A piece of my mind... just a tiny one...
15 years ago
Disclaimer: This journal is a rant, a vent, and 'may' turn into somewhat of a 'Wall-O-Text'. If you feel like reading it, and want to share some kind of insightful comment, then go on ahead. If you don't have anything useful to say, feel free to remain silent and/or skip it. Stupid comments will be ignoredSo... a piece of my mind...
Well, for one, its full of shit... I'm sure I'm not the only one in that particular situation. I never were one to go "Oh, I have so many problems, and I'm the only person with problems in the whole wide world! PAMPER ME!!"
I guess I'm too reserved to just pour my shit on anyone who 'dares' listen to me... and when I 'do' get a chance to, all I get as reply is stuff like "Yea... its complicated..." along with some form of shrug or awkward silence. Fortunately, though... I 'do' have some friends who share their wise advice with me, and try to actively help me. If you're reading this, yes, I'm talking about you... you know who you are.
But despite all that, one painful fact remains... A fact that's been torturing me with sleepless nights one after the other...
...I have no fucking idea of what to do with my damn life...
And this, dear reader... is bad!
I feel like a small boy at a crossroads... so many different paths to take, so many different roads to walk... and everything's so daunting, I just feel like curling up with a warm blanket, and stay where I am...
...but I can't stay where I am, because those roads are crumbling... and if I stay in this crossroads for too long, this bigg 'oogie-boogie' is gonna come and swallow me... whole... without gagging! (as difficult as that might be)
So yes, dear reader... all this constant thinking (yes, you over there... I know you just chuckled, but yes... I 'do' think of this almost constantly) is driving me completely nuts. I mean, I've done nothing with my life, so far... absolutely nothing! And, at the considerable age of 31, that's hardly something to be proud of. I never finished High-School, never went to college, only managed to get myself further and further into debt for reasons I just feel like hanging myself for, right now...
...and what achievements do I have? A lame job, an old car, and a 5-figure debt in the bank...? Some scribbles posted online...? I can barely get myself in the mood to draw 'anything' I like, without slipping into a moronic artblock two days later...
And yet, when given opportunities to try something new, I hold back... I want to play it safe... I'm afraid of letting go of the warm blanket... I worry about things and situations and people that _shouldn't_ hold me back...
I've taken so many blind leaps of faith, and I've fallen short so many times... that, right now, I just want to hold onto that warm blanket for as long as I can... I know I shouldn't, I definitely don't want to... but I dunno if I have the strength to let it go...
I know all the roads in front of me, but I still feel hopelessly lost...
I have so many friends giving me advice, and wanting to help me, both online and locally... but I still feel so horribly alone
I always try to look and act cheerful and happy and funny and horny and all around everyone... but I still cry myself to sleep every single day (yes, I know I'm being whiny and emo... don't like it, fuck off! I'm not made of steel, and I've earned the right to do it...)
I'm broke beyond any help, I feel sick, I probably 'am' sick... I need to find a solution for this fucked up life of mine. Or rather, make a damn decision, stop waiting for things to just fall over and magically go right, and for once in my existence just LIVE...
...instead of just barely surviving...
But this is a decision that, one way or the other, I'll end up hurting people... and triggering consequences I'm not sure I'm ready to accept...
I guess I just need to fucking grow up once and for all...
......
For the sake of a clean front page, this journal will be replaced with something 'shorter' and less 'rantful'.
comment... or not... the choice is yours
Sit down and ask yourself what you wanna do with your life: you can bet you have all the answers.If you are willing to listen and don't start making excuses of course.I am not saying that all the paths aren't ridden with obstacles and adversities, but remember: it may be an old saying, but you are your worst and hardest to win enemy.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, because it's not really meant to.I have been there, and partially am still there myself and i know how difficult it is to steer oneself outta that kind of rut.
IAnd i wish you the best for your life and future, tig.
its being very difficult to get out of this situation. Its just an endless set of variables that might make it all go wrong... and I'm just terrified of taking one wrong leap yet again...
...it all sounds like lame excuses, I know... but at this point in life, the risk of failure scares me shitless...
-_-
Here is something else you can try: Pack a lunch and a warm thermos of tea or coffee, get in your old car, drove out to a forest, and spend the day walking around all by yourself.
Why? Because this will stimulate neurogenesis - the formation of new neurons - in your hippocampus. The hippocampus is a very ancient part of the brain that deals with visuo-spatial tasks and associative memory. You are in a deep rut. You need to think about your problems in a different way, and those new neurons will help you to do it.
Artists have traveled to new places since time immemorial to find new inspiration and to escape from old ruts. Modern neuroscience has figured out why it works. You don't have to go to Tahiti, as Gauguin did. All you have to do is go to a new place - where you will be alone and undistracted - and wander around enough so that not getting lost is a slight challenge. You will start to think about your future in new ways. Give it a try. It's worth a day of your time and a few dollars of gas. *hugs*
I just seem to get more and more clueless about what to do, and intimidated by the risks and consequences of each and every option I have...
...though I might try the forest...
What are your skills?
My main problem with 'skills' is that I can do a little bit of 'everything'...
I can draw, I can write, I can code, I can cook, I can sing...
I know my way around an engine bay, I can probably get some light mechanics done, I have more than decent social skills...
I can take any appliance apart, I've fixed dead iPods, dead laptops, dea cellphones, done countless changes to half a dozen computers...
I know my way around Macs, PCs, Linuxes, Windows, DOS, gimme a keyboard and I'll do magic...
I like chemistry, I thrive on foreign languages, I can communicate fluently in at 'least' 4 languages, and I can understand at least 2 more...
I keep on top of subjects like science, astronomy and aeronautics, I am fascinated by the creations of Boeing, Airbus, Lockheed, Honda, Toyota, Volvo, BMW, you name it, I like it...
...
But without that little piece of paper that says I've been to college... what good is 'any' of this...?
Most people whose washing machine or computer has died don't give a damn about wallpaper certifying that the bearer has spent a fortune at an institution of higher learning. Big business hiring usually does require the wallpaper because the personnel department bureaucrat wants to cover his ass.
Try putting up 3x5 cards on bulletin boards around town and using Craig's List to advertise your skills. This is a golden age for a guy who knows how to repair stuff because the bad economic times strongly discourages buying a new piece of equipment instead of repairing the old. 3x5 cards are cheap. Stick to one skill per card. Put up lots of cards!
But the only thing i can say is that the first step will probably be your hardest. I'm not saying the rest of the journey will be pie, but you won't be fighting yourself all the time. And of course, you are your own worst enemy(h'oh snap, tora beat me to the saying). But you can also be your greatest advocate :3
I'm sure you'll find that once you start, you'll feel a bit better about yourself. Use that, if nothing else, as the motivation to continue and strive for what you want(if you have a clear goal in mind).
I don't think there's really anything i, as a stranger, could say to help you get the ball rolling. After a long life, it's easy for us to be cynical. We get tired of fighting. And we may be content to live with what we have and cut our losses at that. But we forget that the only reason we can even make that choice is because we have the ultimate say-so in our lives. It's to be taken with a grain of salt, but still totally true. Just remember it won't happen overnight. Don't be discouraged after a week and don't make rash decisions with thoughts of impunity.
Bah, just re-read Tora's post :P
They ninja'd my brain :(
But yeah! Best of luck to ya buddy~
My main problem... actually, 'ONE' of my main problems is that I'm not much of a risk-taker. If there's the slightest probability that I might skidd off the road, I'll slow down... or not even take that road at all...
Think of my life as being a car stuck at an intersection, browsing through the GPS, struggling to find the best possible route...
Do I take the coastal drive, or the mountain road, do I thunder down the highway, or just burble through the city streets...
...and in the meantime, time goes by, and I run out of fuel...
I suppose time will tell...
I sometimes wish I could just let everything go and just focus on myself. I've lost count as to how many times I've been told that... by friends, by co-workers, by complete strangers...
Its hard for me to deal with the risks and consequences, and I keep mulling over and stuck in thought about them over and over and over and OVER and OVER until I just can't find the peace to even sleep anymore...
The "what ifs...?" just kill me... and ultimately, I'm just scared of the consequences 'any' of the options carry along...
If I take road A, there'll be consequences, and people will be mad/sad/disappointed/whatever at me
If I take road B, there'll be consequences, and people will be mad/sad/disappointed/whatever at me
If I take road C, there'll be consequences, and people will be mad/sad/disappointed/whatever at me
...if I take road D... you get the idea...
The whole situation is very literally driving me crazy... >_<
As for what you said, true and valid... but the crossroads I'm at is something I have to decide 'before' I even get to 'that' part...