Man, it's been a while since I updated the journal. And so much has happened.

When I got back from Texas things immediately kicked into gear. I went to the Nursing orientation. There I managed to pick up my uniform for only $10, used, but discovered about $320 in hidden costs (and still more to come) for books and kits and supplies that they didn't list anywhere on the class supply lists or the syllabi---which they didn't give us access to until that day. (So how was anyone supposed to be prepared?)

It was a long, nearly three hour, meeting in which the entire department paraded before us, and some extras including the Student Nurses Association and the school counselor. He quite solemnly insisted that if we at all felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or suicidal that his door was always open. He didn't seem to make light of our situation just going into the nursing program but took it with a respectful, if somber, attitude. He congratulated us on our accomplishment getting that far into the program, at least, but told us that the road ahead would be so much harder than we'd imagined. (He came back again for our first day of lab today to talk to us again about how if, more like when, we become completely insane due to the program that we should stop by his office and talk.) The amount of emphasis on "don't become suicidal" admittedly has me worried. And I think it's a well-founded fear that this program is going to be hard.

The rest of the procession repeated about the same thing over and over again: "Congrats for making it this far, if you can quit your job." There was, at no time, a mention of single women or their ability to graduate the program. Mostly they just addressed married women with children---with the benefits of husbands making money to pay the bills and care for the kids. While I'm lucky not to have any kids, I'm at a financial disadvantage not having a husband, either. My understanding is that the statistics of people trying to make it through the program are such that us single, financially "independent" women are at a significant disadvantage. They repeated the mantra that the biggest cause of failure from the program was "trying to work too much and not enough time for studying". The biggest cause for drop out, apparently, is the need to work more hours at work to survive.

So it's intimidating that I'm up against a program that's not really formulated for single women. It seems as though marriage is an unwritten, unmentioned prerequisite to the nursing program. It is unfortunate for us less social women that we would be put at that disadvantage. (That, I daresay, would be the indication of a program that's TOO rigorous that marriage would be the only way to get through it with assurance. I don't see how that works in anyone's favor.)

That being said, my commissions are dwindling. The ones on my profile are largely paid for and that money got me into January (paying rent). I owe a bitch load of money to some VERY DEAR friends for helping me to get my car fixed. It was a ton of money to get the transmission up and running so that I could get to my school (and thusly not fail from the get go), and more money still to fix that starting problem..... which oddly hasn't been fixed. The car still sometimes won't start. And oddly the only consistent symptom is that it doesn't start the night before I have obligations to get to. YES... that is, indeed, the only consistent pattern to the not starting. It has me and my roommates completely baffled.

The good-bad news is that we managed to get rid of the fourth, godawful roommate----who hit me with a door and refused to apologize. He's moving in with a crazy girl who can't get her shit together. In the process of leaving, though, he made sure to let my cat out of the house. (Some of you may be familiar with my beautiful-but-stupid black cat that trusts and loves every human ever.... and that's why he's not allowed outside.) The exroommate did it out of SPITE, mostly, and we all agree it was QUITE on purpose.

The bad part about that is that now that he's booted my rent goes way up.... and with this program my time to work goes way down. You can see the problem in that. So we're trying to find a fourth roommate to come in and take this guy's place. (The requirements are low... just someone who's not a criminal, abusive, crazy, or lazy. Basically someone who'll TRY to pay on time, do chores, and won't be a douche to everyone.)

All of last week was supposed to be classes but was canceled due to snow. And Monday was a holiday. So that essentially set us back a whole lot from the get go. And now it's not only an extremely hard program but we're starting out desperately trying to make up the lost time---particularly since nursing school accreditation (and your certification upon graduation) is dependent on hours of clinical time logged. So a snow day absolutely has to be made up. (And our snow day cost us 10 hours.) So that meant today was the first day of any of my classes. And before the first day.... we already had two online quizzes due. And that was before the pre-scheduled first day that ended up being a snow day. So there's no such thing as downtime with this program.

For my next class, just the second lab of the semester, I'm due to watch 13 videos (not too short), read 8 chapters, 1 interview assessment homework assignment, several online assignments, and prepare for 3 tests on vital signs, hygiene, medical abbreviations (30 of them), culture and caring, communication, and a few other tidbits of information. (And that bothers me 'cause the nursing professors are grossly disorganized. They expect a great deal of organization and work from their students but seem very unwilling to put in the same level of work to properly inform and guide their students. The lectures, in fact, have nothing to do with the book so you must read EVERYTHING and do worksheets BEFORE that class... so that you can sit and listen to something you already know about. What a cushy job for them.)

But I'm determined to get through, if by the skin of my teeth. This program is massively underestimated by people who aren't in it. They hear me talk about how demanding it is and they have this idea of how demanding it is but it's not really accurate. I spent ten hours straight today just writing down what I'm supposed to be prepared for next time. It's very overwhelming. (And I have a massive headache from it.)

Similarly, this brings me to a call for commissions. As you already know I'm in a pinch here with the school taking up more or less all of my time and yet being in the terrible position of being UNMARRIED. That means that I've got to pay my bills AND study for school somehow. Needless to say that this doesn't really allot for the hours of a normal job. And I'm CERTAINLY not going to be able to work full time anywhere. (Though it'd be nice if I could because I'd enjoy the benefits of $10/hr or more and health benefits.)

I mention this because lately there have been a lot of complaints about how high my prices are. And I'd like to set the record straight about it. This is my primary and only source of income. I can't afford the hours to work a normal job flipping burgers. And, quite frankly, I can't afford to work on art for less than minimum wage an hour. (A degreed artist normally wouldn't work for less than $10/hr and at a full time job would probably receive benefits like health care which I am NOT receiving through these commissions.) I realize that my prices may seem high to some people, but they really aren't. They're a very reasonable price for customized art from someone trained and diligent with a professional attitude. A great deal of FA commission artists do seem to be amateur artists and they're not using commissions as a primary source of income nor are they necessarily as trained. And as a result, to someone who can't tell the difference between trained versus untrained or professional versus unprofessional, it may seem like I'm trying to rip people off. And I'm not. Every cent that I earn goes to a good cause... that is to say, every bit of money that I earn through art (or that you generously give through tips) goes directly to helping me through school. Without my patrons from the last year and some months I would have found myself homeless, starving, and dropping out of school. And I sincerely thank them for their patronage and thus their help allowing me to have some shot at a future.

That being said, I emphasize that this is my job and only source of income. The rental agency that rents this house won't say, "Oh, poor you... we won't evict you because we know you're going through tough times." They will evict me because I am late on the rent. They don't care why or how I get them the money... or even if I'm the one that pays it (someone else could and they'd be just as happy). They just want their money... and if that means booting me out to replace me with someone who CAN pay every time... they'll do it.

Similarly, I can't eat off of money I don't have. I've tried applying for food stamps... but they're based on household income and my roommates make too much money for me to qualify. The government assumes it's their job to care for me. It's not. None of us are made of money. I've tried to apply for medicaid so I can at least go to doctors if I get sick. But I don't qualify because I'm not married (and/or don't have a child). There is absolutely NO LOVE for single, white, educated individuals from the government. (My scholarships and grants are exhausted from my first degree and I no longer qualify for those, either.) That being said, I hope the situation is a lot clearer to you all now.

I don't say this out of want of pity but merely to explain what it means when my commission list starts to run dry. It's basically me being laid off my job. I face the very real threat of homelessness, starvation, and dropping out of school in complete defeat. No one wants to be laid off. And neither do I. So I'm asking people if there's anyone out there who'd like to commission me. I'm not asking you to do anything you wouldn't normally do. Hey, if you don't like my style... you don't like my style. That's ok not to hire me. I'm not greedy. But people also can't know my situation without me explaining it like this.


Thanks to everyone who managed to read this far. I know it's a long and rambling journal this time. (And it didn't even cover everything. lol ) So get the word out that I need commissions. I can do singe pictures or a sequence. And I'm open to a lot of things and decidedly nonjudgmental!

What I won't do are things more or less what I consider illegal extremes... kids, extreme gore (like fucking a severed neck), true rape, etc. Y'know, the things that most people actually aren't that interested in.

Have a great night!