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Still Alive: Self Reflection
14 years ago
█ Trying to work out some of the $1 commissions, so I haven't forgotten about those, and I still want to work on my larger project.
The following is angst ridden drivel that I had to get out for my sake, not recommend reading unless you're just that curious to my mental instability.
█ Some of you may have heard the expression that to overcome certain mental issues, one must 'regress' to an earlier state to be able to confront them. Personally I think there's truth to that, but at the same time I've never had any real interest in doing so. Despite this, I think it's happening anyways.
Inexorably, my happiness is directly linked with my suffering; a kind of cruel reality to the universe I suppose. To elaborate on what this means exactly I have to say who I am today is someone who has clarity of thought without the burden of emotion; devoid of the good and the bad. So something along the lines of cold logic, or you know Vulcans I guess.
I ended up separating myself from my emotions as a survival mechanic, one would suppose atypical teenage angst or whatever; but I was a naive person. Things happened in my world, my existence, that I couldn't understand or comprehend because cruelty was not part of my nature; all I knew was that it hurt. Things that hurt deeper than any cut, scrape, or bruise. I spit on all those who say "You cannot know the light, without the dark" By the time I understood what the 'dark' was, the light was gone; joy replaced with nothing but pain and anger. I couldn't exist like that so I didn't.
The problem with 'regression' is that as I've been more... 'happy' with what is my existence is that to do so it's not exactly going straight from non-feeling right to happiness; it's still going through the anger, hate, and fear stage of my life. I say this simply because my dreams of late have been haunted by memories of high school. It's anxieties, expectations, and trepidation. I've only started to recognize more and more the correlation to the frequencies of these particular dreams to how happy I am. Every time I close to feeling 'truly' happy, the closer I get to the other emotions as well. I can't say that's a curse or a blessing, nor can I say that I'm ready to deal with the things I've locked away for the sake of my own sanity.
I despise this world, I really do; and I feel that's not going to change anytime soon. If anything the world today is far worse than the one I remember it when I was younger, as such there's little point in me 'finding myself' and vanquishing my demons as opposed to simply coming to terms with them. The more I feel, the more angry I end up. I'm not sure I can separate my happiness from my anger because the two are tied to the same emotional state. I am unable to pick and choose what I feel and the only thing I've ever been able to do bear with it all is to drown it under apathy.
The world took so much from me, I spit on the world. Do you all know why "hope" was found in Pandora's box? Because it was the greatest of all the evils. It gives people the motivation to suffer inexorably and endlessly striving to reach for something unattainable. It blinds and prevents people from accepting what is real. Hope is what torments me, because I still refuse to accept the world for what it is. I still pine futility for a world without suffering; for when I close my eyes when I meditate on myself, on the world I can only hear the screaming, I can only feel the suffering, the greed, and utter selfishness of it all.
Perhaps the weight of the world is not for me to bear, but this is hope's doing: The hope that everyone bears the weight of the world, then people wouldn't be crushed by it. Then maybe the world would exist in a way in where I could be happy. What else can I do really? But to be completely cynical and nihilistic?
Who am I? One without a center. One who cannot find peace. One who remains tormented one way or another unable to find solace. I've been able to find points of stability here and there; but every time I end up running into individuals that remind me of how much I despise the world. Those who think nothing of themselves, those who have no room in their own tiny insignificant lives for anyone else if not to simply hoist them up on a pedestal.
I can't go back, I cannot 'regress', and I had to write this journal to re-affirm myself of that. For the things that made me angry, that made me hate are still there; perhaps more than ever. I can live with the aching sadness of it all, but I cannot live with the hatred, even if it means I have to sacrifice being 'truly happy' along with it. Or at the very least create a new definition of happiness for myself, because my childhood's version of happiness cannot exist. Not without a mind-wipe, heavy medication, or a lobotomy at any rate.
The following is angst ridden drivel that I had to get out for my sake, not recommend reading unless you're just that curious to my mental instability.
█ Some of you may have heard the expression that to overcome certain mental issues, one must 'regress' to an earlier state to be able to confront them. Personally I think there's truth to that, but at the same time I've never had any real interest in doing so. Despite this, I think it's happening anyways.
Inexorably, my happiness is directly linked with my suffering; a kind of cruel reality to the universe I suppose. To elaborate on what this means exactly I have to say who I am today is someone who has clarity of thought without the burden of emotion; devoid of the good and the bad. So something along the lines of cold logic, or you know Vulcans I guess.
I ended up separating myself from my emotions as a survival mechanic, one would suppose atypical teenage angst or whatever; but I was a naive person. Things happened in my world, my existence, that I couldn't understand or comprehend because cruelty was not part of my nature; all I knew was that it hurt. Things that hurt deeper than any cut, scrape, or bruise. I spit on all those who say "You cannot know the light, without the dark" By the time I understood what the 'dark' was, the light was gone; joy replaced with nothing but pain and anger. I couldn't exist like that so I didn't.
The problem with 'regression' is that as I've been more... 'happy' with what is my existence is that to do so it's not exactly going straight from non-feeling right to happiness; it's still going through the anger, hate, and fear stage of my life. I say this simply because my dreams of late have been haunted by memories of high school. It's anxieties, expectations, and trepidation. I've only started to recognize more and more the correlation to the frequencies of these particular dreams to how happy I am. Every time I close to feeling 'truly' happy, the closer I get to the other emotions as well. I can't say that's a curse or a blessing, nor can I say that I'm ready to deal with the things I've locked away for the sake of my own sanity.
I despise this world, I really do; and I feel that's not going to change anytime soon. If anything the world today is far worse than the one I remember it when I was younger, as such there's little point in me 'finding myself' and vanquishing my demons as opposed to simply coming to terms with them. The more I feel, the more angry I end up. I'm not sure I can separate my happiness from my anger because the two are tied to the same emotional state. I am unable to pick and choose what I feel and the only thing I've ever been able to do bear with it all is to drown it under apathy.
The world took so much from me, I spit on the world. Do you all know why "hope" was found in Pandora's box? Because it was the greatest of all the evils. It gives people the motivation to suffer inexorably and endlessly striving to reach for something unattainable. It blinds and prevents people from accepting what is real. Hope is what torments me, because I still refuse to accept the world for what it is. I still pine futility for a world without suffering; for when I close my eyes when I meditate on myself, on the world I can only hear the screaming, I can only feel the suffering, the greed, and utter selfishness of it all.
Perhaps the weight of the world is not for me to bear, but this is hope's doing: The hope that everyone bears the weight of the world, then people wouldn't be crushed by it. Then maybe the world would exist in a way in where I could be happy. What else can I do really? But to be completely cynical and nihilistic?
Who am I? One without a center. One who cannot find peace. One who remains tormented one way or another unable to find solace. I've been able to find points of stability here and there; but every time I end up running into individuals that remind me of how much I despise the world. Those who think nothing of themselves, those who have no room in their own tiny insignificant lives for anyone else if not to simply hoist them up on a pedestal.
I can't go back, I cannot 'regress', and I had to write this journal to re-affirm myself of that. For the things that made me angry, that made me hate are still there; perhaps more than ever. I can live with the aching sadness of it all, but I cannot live with the hatred, even if it means I have to sacrifice being 'truly happy' along with it. Or at the very least create a new definition of happiness for myself, because my childhood's version of happiness cannot exist. Not without a mind-wipe, heavy medication, or a lobotomy at any rate.
#I know it wont help speaking/plz dont mind me/still,sorry#
I say screw the memories of your past...make new ones...you are still young afterall. Thinking of the past only distracts you from today and the things you can do tomorrow .
Did you ever think that the area you live in may actually contribute to you feeling the way you do? Perhaps through weather, type of work thats only available, and the folks? Or are you referring to folks that you meet online that remind you of the past?
Like with me, I would like to learn how to play Moonlight Sonata on the piano, skydive from an airplan, produce a movie, make an animation, sail around the world, go to Antartica, discover an ancient lost civilization, travel through the stars in space exploration, invent something that will change the world, and so on....but the sad thing is, About 90% of the things i stated, I will never get to do because of not having enough time, or money, heh.
But *shrugs* at least I was given a chance to live....though its not the best, im living it <^.^'>
I look at the furry fandom in it's own way like this. There's not many furries but those that are generally are able to find a bit of joy and happiness and comfort in our little expressions. Churches are the same way, congregations of people that share in an exchange of ideas and faith, carrying that sense of hope and prayer for betterment of the world at large, even if those words never reach the ears of others.
The world at large is full of uncaring indifference, where everyone looks out for themselves or have their own view of the world that becomes forced on others. Dictatorships, regimes, corrupt politicians and crime lords, unscrupulous businessmen. It is these people whom I tune out. I like where I am. I like my friends, I like all that being amongst you and others like you has done for my sense of peace and justice. I care about the world, but I can't change it. I care about 'my' world, because at least within this imaginary world I can share my thoughts and dreams and make my world a little better, and maybe even set the pace for others who are watching.
All you can do is live by example. You can't expect the world to change, but at the very least you can be happy with what you 'can' change, and do your best to fix whatever you can. For all that you can't change? There's nothing you can do. You have to be able to accept it, and not be angry about it. It does you no good to complain about the mountain you can't move, for you didn't put it there, and no matter what you do it will always be there. You can take the rocky path through it, and you can clear the way for others to pass through easier. You just have to be able to differentiate between what you can change, and what you can't change, and have the courage to change the things that you can.
I've always wondered why I found myself so fascinated with the idea of "being controlled," but this kind of offers a bit of evidence as to why. I know it seems off-topic, but I think that were I to be lead to my own conclusions, depression would be inevitable.
Gotta love the philosophical ramblings of a fox.
As i always say and repeat to many of my friends when they contact me only to say "Hay Ota, i'm depressed because..." you have to learn to don't care. The world sucks ? Don't care, you're not going into war at least. You feel depressed because somebody else is asshole with you ? Don't care, you'll not see him anymore before or then. You feel depressed because you're alone ? Don't care, better alone than in compny with the wrong people.
Is not easy and maybe sounds wrong as strategy, but what people need to learn to feel better is to don't care, sometimes my own parents and sister make me feel bad but guess what, i don't care, at first i feel angry but right then "i laugh" within myself because of the ridiculous way they have to prove themselves right, so my thoughts are like "I'm stupid, they are even more, why should have i to care then ?" and this turns into the "Don't care" i sayd before.
Is almost like a magical word, everytime you feel depressed again just think about these two words, "Don't care", you'll feel much better, or at least you'll not feel worst.
Somebody also told me "you can't avoid to care about this world and live in a bubble because you live", my respond was "Siddartha lived in a bubble since he became a prophet, and was the happyest and most healthy person in this world because of that", just do the same, forget about things and don't care about them if they make you feel bad (unless they are really bad things like job or health).
Secondly... is this really about you? Or is this about a girl? Family?
What exactly was taken from you?
I forget how wonderful my own country (wales) can look venturing the country, or sky diving out of a plane you get too forget about everything and for ounce be surrounded by nothing but tranquility and for a short time real freedom.
To enjoy the little things that make life worth living and not dwell in the past or harsh world - don't make it a burden...be you, be the best you feel you can be and live for yourself. Give you hand to help a friend and you've already made the world a better place.
You don't have your own little world of friends and relative? :X