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The Choices We Make
14 years ago
General
~From the pen of Lord Fenrir:
This has been an absolutely terrible week for me. A dawning culmination of utter shit.
I am a moron.
About a month ago, I had the opportunity to abandon a relationship that was on the rocks and to start one with someone who truly loved me, as she had for the past four years; feelings that I had reciprocated for her for equally long. I chose to, while I cared about her, to remain friends and to continue my rocky relationship because I didn't want to make things more complicated between my friend and I.
The relationship ended a week later.
My friend, while we still remained on friend terms, was furious at me for choosing the failing relationship over her unconditional love.
My friend has just moved away, to someplace I don't know, and is never coming back; forced away by an evil roommate who used her as a punching bag.
My friend, the best one I've ever had.
My friend, the one who I will love until the day I die.
I made a horrible choice that day. Instead of choosing someone who, even though our families would both disown us if we dated, truly loved me, I chose to remain with a lying whore, who broke every promise she ever made to me.
They say everything happens for a good reason in the end, but I cannot see a good reason out of all this.
I am stupid.
I let my ego get he best of me that day. After months of me trying to get her to be mine and her refusing, saying "it's complicated" each and every time, when she asked he same thing a few months later of me, I refused, saying "it's complicated." Just once. When I tried to mend the bridge and asked her, she refused and said "never again."
You're gone now, forging what I hope is a wonderful life, and will never come back. Whereas I am stuck here. I can't up and leave until I pay off my car that mom helped me pay for, because even though I would send her checks every paycheck, she said if I did ditch town, she would report the car as stolen. There's still $2300 left to pay off. After my bills and my feeble attempts to save money so I actually have something to fall back on in case something bad happens, I can manage $200 a month. So I'll have it, at this rate, all paid off by 2013.
Trying to remain positive, I tried to see good things about me in the mirror. I saw a greasy sunken-eyed, pock-marked, balding coward staring back at me. A coward who after a childhood of abuse has zero self esteem and zero confidence, and zero self worth. Positively unattractive if ever there was a definition of the word.
I don't even know why I'm typing this out. It doesn't help alleviate this feeling of despair. I'm going to go eat an entire bag of chocolate now, see if that helps. Or watch, we'll just add "fat" to the list above.
~Fenrir
This has been an absolutely terrible week for me. A dawning culmination of utter shit.
I am a moron.
About a month ago, I had the opportunity to abandon a relationship that was on the rocks and to start one with someone who truly loved me, as she had for the past four years; feelings that I had reciprocated for her for equally long. I chose to, while I cared about her, to remain friends and to continue my rocky relationship because I didn't want to make things more complicated between my friend and I.
The relationship ended a week later.
My friend, while we still remained on friend terms, was furious at me for choosing the failing relationship over her unconditional love.
My friend has just moved away, to someplace I don't know, and is never coming back; forced away by an evil roommate who used her as a punching bag.
My friend, the best one I've ever had.
My friend, the one who I will love until the day I die.
I made a horrible choice that day. Instead of choosing someone who, even though our families would both disown us if we dated, truly loved me, I chose to remain with a lying whore, who broke every promise she ever made to me.
They say everything happens for a good reason in the end, but I cannot see a good reason out of all this.
I am stupid.
I let my ego get he best of me that day. After months of me trying to get her to be mine and her refusing, saying "it's complicated" each and every time, when she asked he same thing a few months later of me, I refused, saying "it's complicated." Just once. When I tried to mend the bridge and asked her, she refused and said "never again."
You're gone now, forging what I hope is a wonderful life, and will never come back. Whereas I am stuck here. I can't up and leave until I pay off my car that mom helped me pay for, because even though I would send her checks every paycheck, she said if I did ditch town, she would report the car as stolen. There's still $2300 left to pay off. After my bills and my feeble attempts to save money so I actually have something to fall back on in case something bad happens, I can manage $200 a month. So I'll have it, at this rate, all paid off by 2013.
Trying to remain positive, I tried to see good things about me in the mirror. I saw a greasy sunken-eyed, pock-marked, balding coward staring back at me. A coward who after a childhood of abuse has zero self esteem and zero confidence, and zero self worth. Positively unattractive if ever there was a definition of the word.
I don't even know why I'm typing this out. It doesn't help alleviate this feeling of despair. I'm going to go eat an entire bag of chocolate now, see if that helps. Or watch, we'll just add "fat" to the list above.
~Fenrir
The feeling of being trapped is NOT fun. Because of how my payments are set up, if I even try to move closer to where I work, I may as well kiss my ass goodbye. Because of that, I depend heavily on the entertainment and company that other's can give me. It might not seem like you, Tora, Uniden, Bomba, or any of my other friends are doing much, but even that occasional text asking "How are you?" or just saying "Hello." helps me to remember that someone cares about me. Before I really got to know my dragon, and briefly after Whim, I felt alone, heartbroken, and just plain scared. But the company and love of just some close companions of mine managed to get me through the loneliness until I got to be with my mate.
Your girl might not come for a while now, but give it some time. Let the love of your friends help you through your darkest times. There might not be much we can give, but our love and support is the least we can give to a wonderful overlord like you. ^_^