E D I T: THIS DONATION FUND WAS NOT STARTED BY ME
ORIGINAL DONATION FUND WAS DELETED DUE TO AN OVERDOSE OF USELESS DRAMA
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19 years and 3 months ago I was put up for adoption by my birth mother. She left me only a photo album with baby pictures of me (ranging from 2-3 months old), pink overalls, and a Minnie and Mickey mouse shirt. I've always known growing up that my mother and father had adopted me. My birth mother was roughly 18/19 years old when I was put up for adoption. From what I'm told, she lived with my birth father, away from home, and shut herself out from the rest of my birth family. They had no clue of my existence until after I was adopted by my family I love now. My birth mother couldn't financially support taking care of me after 5 months of trying her best.

Over the years my curiosity of her, her family, my possible family, and my life before my adoption, has grown intensely. I was always secretly jealous of every single person who knew exactly who there mother or father was. I always secretly hated those that tormented me for being adopted. A few times in my past, people used to use that to make me upset. (side note: I actually got into a fight in middle school because of this.) Throwing it in my face that I had no clue who my birth parents were; What kind of life I could have had. I've never known which countries my blood came from. What diseases I may have growing up. Everything about me and who I am was a complete mystery to me.

A little over a year ago I came across a television show called, The Locator. Every time I watched that show I ended up in tears and was filled with more and more jealousy. Why can't I be allowed to find my family?? I wrote into the show religiously, trying to grab their attention to help me in my search for just about even the tiniest bit of news of anything. Once I gave up on that, I tried desperately to search Facebook for any signs of anyone with the same last name that I was born with. I came across a Facebook Group page called If your last name is Pelchat. I wrote a tiny blurb on there about my dilemma and my search and sat...waiting...for some teeny tiny hint of anything. Months went by and I finally just completely gave up.

Come this past September (2010), I received a questionable email on my facebook from who is in fact the mother of my birth mother. My Nana Tina, came across my message on the Facebook group page, and messaged me curious to know if I really was in fact her grand-daughter. Few messages were exchanged, we asked each other questions of possibilities. She sent me one picture that sealed the deal that I really was her grand-daughter. It was the picture taken right when I was born. It had my birthday, ounces, and pounds. I have the same identical picture in my baby book that my mother made me once she adopted me. No one could possibly have this picture and they do.

Later on, I was still a little skeptical on the whole thing. My mom was incredibly nervous and didn't trust the situation at all. She was incredibly terrified of me getting hurt, like many people do when they venture into this kind of territory. Few weeks later, I started talking to my birth mother's brother, my uncle. He had no doubt that I wasn't his niece. That's when I got an email from my birth mother on AOL. She wanted to know if I really was who everyone was saying I am. I wanted to know too.

I guess this is really where I did start getting hurt. My Uncle had stopped talking along with my birth Mother's mother. Shortly after, it would be in like, 3 week to 4 week periods between emails from my birth mother. This is what started my depression kick. I began to ask myself what was wrong with me and other things. She showed such interest, then dropped, then showed interest, then dropped; it really tugged on my heart strings. From roughly the past two months on, my Uncle and I have made a point to talk quite a bit together, whether it's on the phone, or texting. He is the closest person I have in my birth family.

I had planned to go stay up to see my birth family either before or after Anthrocon, once my spring semester ends. I didn't quite figure out how much I had initially needed to accomplish this, but new I needed a bit, and thought I was set with my new job, taking 20-30 out of my paycheck every week. This was up until my manager seriously cut my hours at work due to over hiring, and me being in school. This really hit me hard - just getting hired, then having hours cut. It didn't quite hit me at first that I couldn't afford to go to until quite recently. And when it hit, it hit hard...I had hoped to receive some financial support from my mom, but, in her words, she supports me mentally, but not financially...which I can totally understand. she has enough money problems. my custom shirt commissions haven't really taken off yet....I honestly...can no longer afford to go.......

and now this is where I start crying while typing this out.

I have waited 20 years....wondering, dreaming, hoping, wishing....of even just the tiniest glimpse of anything....And when I finally get the chance to...it gets ripped away from me....This was the only thing I had been looking foward to.....it kept me going, I was counting down weeks until the end of my semester....

To be honest I don't know what else to say on this subject....I've cried a lot since I realized this and even at work and school....I don't really know what to say...other than...I really am ready to just give up trying to keep goals and dreams....
And...that's all....from me
-Paws-

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E D I T P I E C E
To my mom - though I know she wont read this since she lacks an account for anything this is posted on....
I love you more than anything. You are my true mother and always will be. I am so upset that you are scared of being replaced. I could never replace the one constant in my life who is always willing to drop everything for me. You are always there for me when i need someone to talk to. You hug me and calm me if I'm crying. You're the true best friend in my life and I want you to know you mean everything to me. I will never ever replace you. I wouldn't be here without you...
I love you more than anything forever and always

To - You are the second constant in my life and have been here with me through every single second of this, and since we've been together. I love you so much and you are always by my side no matter what decisions I choose. You are the glue holding me together from insanity. You're my security blanket and you really are always here for me; every hour of the day and night. I love you so much puddin forever and always [/center]