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Otherkin, and putting a painful experience behind me
14 years ago
I think I came into the fandom through the 'back door'. I'm often scolded for not knowing who certain cartoon characters are, or for having never watched certain shows or movies. You see, I'm one of those nutjobs that identifies as otherkin. Or was, I guess.
My story starts back in 1998, when I started first became fascinated in dragons. I had a handful of vivid dreams, and somehow it occurred to be that maybe I really was a dragon in a past life. I found a handful of dragon-oriented sites/chats, but the one that really attracted me was the Draconic message boards, because I was looking for some truly deep soul-searching and not just what I considered frivolous role-playing chat.
One thing I've noticed about myself is that when I'm really interested in something, I can focus on it so narrowly that I shut out everything else. I wasn't interested in talking about games or real-world events, I was 100% focused on past-life regression.
In an effort to discover as much of my story as I could, I relied on other board members on 'read me' and tell me what they saw. What this actually means is that I was believing whatever I heard without question. I was so desperate to construct and live in this fantasy world that I would have let anyone tell me anything.
Somewhere around '01 or so, this actually did start to happen. I was lonely and looking for yet another guide or mentor or help me continue building my world that, at this point, was largely based on baloney fed to me by whoever. Her name was Dyaminda, or Dya for short. For about 4 or 5 years, several times a week I would chat with her via AIM and have her read me like a psychic would, and tell me what she saw. She claimed to be a real-life physical dragon that could disguise herself as a human to blend in and get by. It was a lot of fun for me, and made me feel special, having such a kind person help me with my spirituality for so long. To me she was the equivalent of a priest or pastor that would act as my conduit to my spiritual realm.
In the summer of '04, she told me she was going to fake her death as a human, live as a dragon in her abandoned mine shaft desert cave for a couple of years, and then come back as a child again. And I believed every bit of it. The two screen names she used never came back online, but that's about as much truth as I actually got out of her.
I reluctantly joined the furry fandom that fall after randomly encountering a local fur wandering around campus with a giant fox tail. I had two classes with him that day, and at the end of the second one I mustered up the balls to ask if he was "furry or otherkin?" He responded "both". My mind was blown!
I was originally of the persuasion that furries were just silly people pretending to be animals, and didn't give spirituality and true animal-spirits the respect they deserved. Yeah, I really was that way for a while. After a while, I began to break down that barrier and accept that it really wasn't that big of a deal. In fact, I'm almost completely on the other side of that fence now; to me it doesn't matter if you're super-serious about what you are, or if it's just a facade you put on on the weekends.
In my 6-odd years in furry, I have met a number of other otherkin and such spiritual people. Most of them have similar past-life histories to myself, with the whole living as a dragon and flying around and such. I totally respect that, because I still believe others may have gone through those experiences, and have had the visions and memories that defy logic or reason. If you're one of those folks, I'm happy for you. Seriously. Unfortunately for me, I have been tainted, so most of what I have been told is probably bogus. That doesn't mean I get to ruin everyone else's party- just mine. Even to the creator of Draconic, KaniS (who will probably read this), I have no hard feelings. I think it's cool a site like yours can exist, but it's inevitable that situations like mine are going to happen.
You see, it all came crashing down in December '09. I was having kind of a down day, so I felt like sharing some 'dragon wisdom' that Dya had bestowed upon me years earlier on my LJ. It was kind of so-so advice, but it made me feel good sharing it because it reminded me of the better times when she was around to 'guide' me. Within minutes, somebody responded to my post with a link to Wikipedia. On the page was that exact same 'wisdom', word for word, as copied from a published book.
By that time I had already accepted the fact that my 'spirituality' had to take a back seat to my real life. In the time since Dya disappeared, I went on to graduate college, finish a Master's degree, find a very lucrative job, and buy a house. Despite that, it hurt me very deeply to find out all those years later that it had all been a lie.
I kept that pain inside me for all of 2010, and I think the only person other than Sema that knew was Nemekh when he came over to our house before Anthrocon that year. It hurt me so bad that I had to see a therapist for anxiety. Yesterday I explained all of what you just read to her, and she was very sympathetic to my case. It still hurt me so bad that I was visibly shaking on the couch. Her recommendation was to write a letter to Dya, explaining to her the pain she has caused me, because I still feel like a victim. The more people know about what I went through, the less power it has over me. And who knows, she might even still be lurking around the internet under another alias and might stumble across this.
=====
Dear Dyaminda,
The jig is up. It might have taken me the better part of a decade to figure it out, but it's better late than never. You might have been correct about you living by yourself with a bunch of cats, but everything you told me about being a dragon was complete bullshit. I'm glad I found out when I did that you were a fraud rather than go through the rest of my life believing the things you had told me.
I was a lonely teenager with a predisposition to obsession, and you took advantage of that. I wanted to believe in something, and you fed me the Kool-Aid by the gallon. Maybe after years of having the same conversations over and over you thought I was just role-playing. I would think with any common sense you should have figured out that when I was asking you about communicating with my spirit guides for the thousandth time, that this was a large part of my self-identity and not just some game. Maybe you knew that from the start and just went with it for kicks.
I'm surprised with as much as I pestered you, you didn't get sick of me. I've made lots of friends in the years since you took off, and more than a few times I've heard others complain about those annoying fanboys that try to start up a conversation immediately after they come online. This is exactly what I did to you for a really long time, and you said nothing. I'm surprised you didn't pull your disappearing act sooner. You probably got some sick sense of delight out of preying on my gullibility.
I'm ashamed that I told my friends about you. You had me convinced you were really a dragon, even though I never had enough hard evidence. They thought it was a little strange, and it even sounded weird telling them. That should have been an indication that it probably wasn't true.
All those mystical powers that you claimed I had are also bunk. I bet while you were pretending to transform into a dragon in your living room and freak out your cats, or to go invisible so that you could fly around the city undetected, you were eating a TV dinner and watching reruns of some shitty sitcom. It was just as much nonsense as the time some other wacko in a chat room claimed to be flying around the room after casting a spell. If I could supposedly perform all these magic tricks on you, why didn't they work on me? It must have been the magic of the internet helping me out.
Getting my hopes up about the possibility of physically becoming a dragon was incredibly deceitful. I think the only positive advice you gave me was not to spend all my time actively looking for the key to transforming. I'm thankful that in my real-life life, I was actually building what I considered at the time my 'safety net': a good education that led to a good career. Had I actually given up on my 'human life' to pursue an unattainable goal, that would have been a real shame.
As much as it would have been neat to meet your father Shadowlight and his council of elders, I'm sure you made those up too. I liked how when he came to visit you, he conveniently knew how to use a keyboard, even though he lived completely off the grid, and you even changed the font in the IM window for him to signify he was talking. That was really convincing, right. I had my doubts, but I just kept quiet. And when you were bored with the whole charade, he up and died, just like that.
I think that's about it for calling you out on your lies. I'm going to tell as many people as I can about what you did to me, so that maybe if somebody else is being deceived in the same way, they can take a step back and think their way out of it.
But that doesn't help the fact that this leaves a huge hole in my life- all the stories you told me and all of the time I spent with you means nothing. I could have spent that time on other activities, or other forms of self-improvement. Maybe I could have gotten involved with furry earlier, and started meeting all of the friends I have now back then.
Talking about dragon stuff was a nice mental vacation. I wish I could still take those, but the damage you've caused has made me so self-conscious that I can't enjoy fantasizing for fear that I'll get burned again like I did with you. I want to let you know that rather than completely obliterating you from my memory, you'll just be like a book on a shelf. Whenever I look back on it, I'll just laugh. I'll recall how fun it felt, even though it was all meaningless. Everyone has scars, be it physically or emotionally, and now you're just a healed wound in my mind that makes for a great conversation piece at parties.
Sometimes I fantasize about finding you and calling you out to your face. Somehow I think that hearing you apologize to me for lying to me for so long and come clean will magically fix me. But now I realize I don't need that. I have the power to shut the book on that part of my life. The time I spent wasn't for naught; I actually learned from you how to be skeptical and prevent being taken advantage of again.
Just like book authors have rough drafts of their stories that they scrap, I'm going to set aside what I've built so far and rewrite my 'life story'. I have a couple of main characters and events to work with, so I think I'll just start with those and see where I go. It'll just be a story.
From now on, I think I'll think of myself as a "post-otherkin". I won't completely ignore where I came from with respect to my self-identity or "character", but unlike the traditional defintion of otherkin, I feel that I've moved away from it as a source of self-defintion. Maybe I matured, maybe I outgrew it, or maybe I got carried away and burned. I acknowledge it, but there's really no place for it in my life anymore.
Anyway, enjoy your cats and frozen dinners and shitty TV shows that are as cancelled as your lies, because I know you're still there. I know you didn't mysteriously vanish after selling your personal effects and quitting your job. I know you're still online under another alias and character, and you're probably still lying to kids for fun. And you know what, I don't ever want to hear from you again. If I got this far in life with your crap, I can only imagine how much farther I can go without it.
Goodbye.
=====
I will be taking this letter to the therapist, where I will read it aloud, burn it, and put it all behind me. This wound has been open for too long. Isn't it silly? If anyone feels it necessary to mock or troll me about this (this is the internet after all), I'll have you know that it's all ancient history, and I'll probably laugh at myself with you. Sorry I'm such a buzzkill!
To those of you that actually survived reading this, I'd like to know what you think. Part of the healing process for me is going to be having other people stand up with me against this person. It will take away the power the whole experience has over me. Hopefully the next time I tell somebody this story, I will laugh instead of quiver.
Thanks!
My story starts back in 1998, when I started first became fascinated in dragons. I had a handful of vivid dreams, and somehow it occurred to be that maybe I really was a dragon in a past life. I found a handful of dragon-oriented sites/chats, but the one that really attracted me was the Draconic message boards, because I was looking for some truly deep soul-searching and not just what I considered frivolous role-playing chat.
One thing I've noticed about myself is that when I'm really interested in something, I can focus on it so narrowly that I shut out everything else. I wasn't interested in talking about games or real-world events, I was 100% focused on past-life regression.
In an effort to discover as much of my story as I could, I relied on other board members on 'read me' and tell me what they saw. What this actually means is that I was believing whatever I heard without question. I was so desperate to construct and live in this fantasy world that I would have let anyone tell me anything.
Somewhere around '01 or so, this actually did start to happen. I was lonely and looking for yet another guide or mentor or help me continue building my world that, at this point, was largely based on baloney fed to me by whoever. Her name was Dyaminda, or Dya for short. For about 4 or 5 years, several times a week I would chat with her via AIM and have her read me like a psychic would, and tell me what she saw. She claimed to be a real-life physical dragon that could disguise herself as a human to blend in and get by. It was a lot of fun for me, and made me feel special, having such a kind person help me with my spirituality for so long. To me she was the equivalent of a priest or pastor that would act as my conduit to my spiritual realm.
In the summer of '04, she told me she was going to fake her death as a human, live as a dragon in her abandoned mine shaft desert cave for a couple of years, and then come back as a child again. And I believed every bit of it. The two screen names she used never came back online, but that's about as much truth as I actually got out of her.
I reluctantly joined the furry fandom that fall after randomly encountering a local fur wandering around campus with a giant fox tail. I had two classes with him that day, and at the end of the second one I mustered up the balls to ask if he was "furry or otherkin?" He responded "both". My mind was blown!
I was originally of the persuasion that furries were just silly people pretending to be animals, and didn't give spirituality and true animal-spirits the respect they deserved. Yeah, I really was that way for a while. After a while, I began to break down that barrier and accept that it really wasn't that big of a deal. In fact, I'm almost completely on the other side of that fence now; to me it doesn't matter if you're super-serious about what you are, or if it's just a facade you put on on the weekends.
In my 6-odd years in furry, I have met a number of other otherkin and such spiritual people. Most of them have similar past-life histories to myself, with the whole living as a dragon and flying around and such. I totally respect that, because I still believe others may have gone through those experiences, and have had the visions and memories that defy logic or reason. If you're one of those folks, I'm happy for you. Seriously. Unfortunately for me, I have been tainted, so most of what I have been told is probably bogus. That doesn't mean I get to ruin everyone else's party- just mine. Even to the creator of Draconic, KaniS (who will probably read this), I have no hard feelings. I think it's cool a site like yours can exist, but it's inevitable that situations like mine are going to happen.
You see, it all came crashing down in December '09. I was having kind of a down day, so I felt like sharing some 'dragon wisdom' that Dya had bestowed upon me years earlier on my LJ. It was kind of so-so advice, but it made me feel good sharing it because it reminded me of the better times when she was around to 'guide' me. Within minutes, somebody responded to my post with a link to Wikipedia. On the page was that exact same 'wisdom', word for word, as copied from a published book.
By that time I had already accepted the fact that my 'spirituality' had to take a back seat to my real life. In the time since Dya disappeared, I went on to graduate college, finish a Master's degree, find a very lucrative job, and buy a house. Despite that, it hurt me very deeply to find out all those years later that it had all been a lie.
I kept that pain inside me for all of 2010, and I think the only person other than Sema that knew was Nemekh when he came over to our house before Anthrocon that year. It hurt me so bad that I had to see a therapist for anxiety. Yesterday I explained all of what you just read to her, and she was very sympathetic to my case. It still hurt me so bad that I was visibly shaking on the couch. Her recommendation was to write a letter to Dya, explaining to her the pain she has caused me, because I still feel like a victim. The more people know about what I went through, the less power it has over me. And who knows, she might even still be lurking around the internet under another alias and might stumble across this.
=====
Dear Dyaminda,
The jig is up. It might have taken me the better part of a decade to figure it out, but it's better late than never. You might have been correct about you living by yourself with a bunch of cats, but everything you told me about being a dragon was complete bullshit. I'm glad I found out when I did that you were a fraud rather than go through the rest of my life believing the things you had told me.
I was a lonely teenager with a predisposition to obsession, and you took advantage of that. I wanted to believe in something, and you fed me the Kool-Aid by the gallon. Maybe after years of having the same conversations over and over you thought I was just role-playing. I would think with any common sense you should have figured out that when I was asking you about communicating with my spirit guides for the thousandth time, that this was a large part of my self-identity and not just some game. Maybe you knew that from the start and just went with it for kicks.
I'm surprised with as much as I pestered you, you didn't get sick of me. I've made lots of friends in the years since you took off, and more than a few times I've heard others complain about those annoying fanboys that try to start up a conversation immediately after they come online. This is exactly what I did to you for a really long time, and you said nothing. I'm surprised you didn't pull your disappearing act sooner. You probably got some sick sense of delight out of preying on my gullibility.
I'm ashamed that I told my friends about you. You had me convinced you were really a dragon, even though I never had enough hard evidence. They thought it was a little strange, and it even sounded weird telling them. That should have been an indication that it probably wasn't true.
All those mystical powers that you claimed I had are also bunk. I bet while you were pretending to transform into a dragon in your living room and freak out your cats, or to go invisible so that you could fly around the city undetected, you were eating a TV dinner and watching reruns of some shitty sitcom. It was just as much nonsense as the time some other wacko in a chat room claimed to be flying around the room after casting a spell. If I could supposedly perform all these magic tricks on you, why didn't they work on me? It must have been the magic of the internet helping me out.
Getting my hopes up about the possibility of physically becoming a dragon was incredibly deceitful. I think the only positive advice you gave me was not to spend all my time actively looking for the key to transforming. I'm thankful that in my real-life life, I was actually building what I considered at the time my 'safety net': a good education that led to a good career. Had I actually given up on my 'human life' to pursue an unattainable goal, that would have been a real shame.
As much as it would have been neat to meet your father Shadowlight and his council of elders, I'm sure you made those up too. I liked how when he came to visit you, he conveniently knew how to use a keyboard, even though he lived completely off the grid, and you even changed the font in the IM window for him to signify he was talking. That was really convincing, right. I had my doubts, but I just kept quiet. And when you were bored with the whole charade, he up and died, just like that.
I think that's about it for calling you out on your lies. I'm going to tell as many people as I can about what you did to me, so that maybe if somebody else is being deceived in the same way, they can take a step back and think their way out of it.
But that doesn't help the fact that this leaves a huge hole in my life- all the stories you told me and all of the time I spent with you means nothing. I could have spent that time on other activities, or other forms of self-improvement. Maybe I could have gotten involved with furry earlier, and started meeting all of the friends I have now back then.
Talking about dragon stuff was a nice mental vacation. I wish I could still take those, but the damage you've caused has made me so self-conscious that I can't enjoy fantasizing for fear that I'll get burned again like I did with you. I want to let you know that rather than completely obliterating you from my memory, you'll just be like a book on a shelf. Whenever I look back on it, I'll just laugh. I'll recall how fun it felt, even though it was all meaningless. Everyone has scars, be it physically or emotionally, and now you're just a healed wound in my mind that makes for a great conversation piece at parties.
Sometimes I fantasize about finding you and calling you out to your face. Somehow I think that hearing you apologize to me for lying to me for so long and come clean will magically fix me. But now I realize I don't need that. I have the power to shut the book on that part of my life. The time I spent wasn't for naught; I actually learned from you how to be skeptical and prevent being taken advantage of again.
Just like book authors have rough drafts of their stories that they scrap, I'm going to set aside what I've built so far and rewrite my 'life story'. I have a couple of main characters and events to work with, so I think I'll just start with those and see where I go. It'll just be a story.
From now on, I think I'll think of myself as a "post-otherkin". I won't completely ignore where I came from with respect to my self-identity or "character", but unlike the traditional defintion of otherkin, I feel that I've moved away from it as a source of self-defintion. Maybe I matured, maybe I outgrew it, or maybe I got carried away and burned. I acknowledge it, but there's really no place for it in my life anymore.
Anyway, enjoy your cats and frozen dinners and shitty TV shows that are as cancelled as your lies, because I know you're still there. I know you didn't mysteriously vanish after selling your personal effects and quitting your job. I know you're still online under another alias and character, and you're probably still lying to kids for fun. And you know what, I don't ever want to hear from you again. If I got this far in life with your crap, I can only imagine how much farther I can go without it.
Goodbye.
=====
I will be taking this letter to the therapist, where I will read it aloud, burn it, and put it all behind me. This wound has been open for too long. Isn't it silly? If anyone feels it necessary to mock or troll me about this (this is the internet after all), I'll have you know that it's all ancient history, and I'll probably laugh at myself with you. Sorry I'm such a buzzkill!
To those of you that actually survived reading this, I'd like to know what you think. Part of the healing process for me is going to be having other people stand up with me against this person. It will take away the power the whole experience has over me. Hopefully the next time I tell somebody this story, I will laugh instead of quiver.
Thanks!
best I can really say is I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm all ears if you need someone to talk to for whatever reason. What she did was wrong, very wrong, and it's good you can open up and admit all this, and put the past behind you, as hard as it may seem to do.
I hope that bringing this to your therapist and getting it out of your life will help you. Life can be a giant ball of shit, but its how we deal with our findings that matter. Good for you! Good luck!
You better PRAY you can actually turn into a dragon if we ever meet in person - because I will whoop your ass. How dare you take advantage of an impressionable adolescence. You should be ashamed of yourself because you are a sick, sick individual. However I take comfort in knowing in my heart that you are a piece of trash nobody with no family and no life. You will never be happy with your life if you truly believe what you claim to believe.
No love,
Someone who actually loves and cares about Taren.
[More substantial response from me on LJ, since I read it there first.]
I dont really know what to say - aside from im sorry that happened to you. i had a few friends who really inspired me back in the day who turned out to just be messed up people completely... so i can sympathize with you there even though yours was probably worse x3
Bottom line is i stand with you here :) and if anyone has a problem with you or any of this.. well your not alone here :3 Keep strong dragon your doing the right thing and taking the right steps i would think and handling this better than most would by far *hugs*
Posting this took a lot of guts, and I applaud you. :)
Ok, after reading that, I want to slap this Dya person... hard. But, I also have to say that not all Otherkin think they're whichever critter physically. (the tone of the journal seemed to suggest that this person was trying to claim that) Most of the folk I've met who call themselves Otherkin feel it was a past life thing, some kind of a spiritual aspect, or even just a spirit-guide. If someone is telling you that they are literally a dragon (fox, werewolf, whatever) in physical form typing away on a keyboard, or that they can transform into their respective creature, yeah, they're full of shit, and I'm telling you this as an Otherkin myself. Blecch, I effing hate the seemingly pathological lying some poor, messed up people engage in to impress the impressionable. It drives me to distraction when I am seriously asking questions of myself about this "Otherkin" experience, what reincarnation really is, if it even exists, and if it doesn't, if that's even what this thing is, or why I have such strange "memories" that are entirely unconnected to my living life... *grumbles*
As others have said, this took some guts, hon.
Buuut, I'm get this eerie feeling that you're not only shucking the moniker of Otherkin, but possibly washing your hands of the very idea- and the people it is a strong part of- as well, and that kind of bothers me. It seems to feel to me like you think all Otherkin are just bullshit artists, or gullible, delusional twitterheads living out their fantasies online and in their dreams, and, frankly, I don't think that's the case. We're not all fluffheads who quote crap like DC Conway like it's gospel, or think garbage like what Carlos Castineda wrote is real, or worse, claim it's our personal "dragon wisdom" that they took from us.
Perhaps it is a delusion, perhaps we're all crazy in some form or other, or maybe there's something else going on that has nothing to do with malfunctions of the brain. Whatever it might be- a strong affinity for certain creatures at base, or a full-on delusion of faith (like all religion, in my opinion- I'm an atheist), Kinfolk aren't all necessarily fucked in the head just because they believe certain, well... rather odd things. >^___^<
This stuff isn't logical, there's no way to measure it except as possibly some sort of aberration- at least, as things stand right now. The lack of logic in it does bother me, since I lean more toward science than I do faith. I don't believe in gods, spirits, ghosts, magic, or pretty much any other "paranormal phenomenae", yet I also understand how little we do understand of this world and how it works, so there has to be some room for the unexplainable... at least until we figure out how to measure it. And I still think that some part of me, some essential facet of my "soul", in some fashion, is something like a dragon. I'm very human- I have aches and pains, no super-powers, no wings and I certainly don't shed my skin to transform from one to the other. My genetics... are human. My dreams... those are often something else. But they're just dreams- they're pleasant, they can be fun, they feel like nostalgia, but I know they don't happen in "real life", and I think you'll find, somewhere along the line, that many older Otherkin will likely share some of that opinion. I never heard the word until I was in my late thirties- I had to deal with this strange "dragon" oddity since before there was an Internet- I was 13 or 14- yes, the "impressionable teen" phase- and I had to learn to keep the concept quiet since people had some... trouble accepting what I thought of myself because it was so unconventional.
Please, if you are brushing off the idea of Otherkin because some have lied to you, try not to view all of them as being liars, too?
If this didn't make sense, I ask your forgiveness, I've been fighting a cold (or something) off the last couple of days- hospitals are not the healthiest of places, if you must sit in a waiting-room being exposed to who knows what for eight hours... Ugh.
Hopefully, you won't get any more idiots filling your time with bullshit. Having heard some truly egregious nonsense in my short time as an admin on Draconic with my mate, KAniS, that it has definitely become tiresome to deal with the absolutely ridiculous stuff some people spout.
*hugs*
Yes, you heard right. This person claimed to be able to physically transform into a dragon at will.
No, I'm still cool with the concept of otherkin. I've already taken a number of steps away from it simply due to real life getting in the way. This is more of an addressing of grievances. I have a lot of otherkin friends, and I love to hear their stories of their lives and how they found out. I'm totally open to them; I think jaded is a good word to describe me.
Funny you should mention Carlos Castaneda, because the "dragon wisdom" she gave me was taken from a publication by Don Miguel Ruiz, who was heavily influenced by Carlos Castaneda. Hmmmm
I actually started going back to church for a while. Got lazy with it but still... I mostly went for the atmosphere. Once you get past the fire and brimstone and antiquated traditions and superstitions there are some pretty useful messages out there. There are some very nice and positive people there too. I don't know why I felt the need to write that. I'm totally cool with atheism, since it's all a matter of choice. Maybe it's just that I used to be there and feel a need to retract that whole phase. My philosophy is belief is completely irrelevant as long as you're not a douchebag. And you're DEFINITELY not a douchebag! :)
I believe in spirits and gods (i.e. higher powers in general, who's to say they didn't ever exist?) and a capitalized-g God (an ultimate power and creator). I think reincarnation totally happens, but spirits just use bodies as vehicles for whatever purpose.
I guess whatever "delusion" people subscribe to has its saints and sinners.
I hear you. I've been hit hard with psychotics and psychopaths myself. About the only difference between me an you I think is the time lag. Somehow I never went on more than six months "getting reeled in" before the hook was snapped.
I think writing that letter was highly therapeutic for you. I think if Dya gets it she will read two sentences, go "ah shit" and toss it and block all communication, like it was a bad day. I think you know that too. Dya is just a person getting her jollies for the day at the expense of society and even her own food and sanitation. Just a hunch of mine, but I think I'm right.
You seem to have a spiritual connection to the dragon, don't give it up!! And it sounds like you're still seeking the truth in lots of avenues. I view the Bible as the world's oldest Wikipedia, lots of stories assembles by 3000 years worth of people with good intentions. Also, God seems to me to be the sum of all person's good intentions. Kind of a Taoist view.
One thing I learned from Dave Ramsey, the word "performance based Christianity" Basically, any time someone tells you "God loves you if...." Yeah, if what? And how would you know? That's a person talking, not God. Here's something you can say to those guys on Mill Ave during Halloween holding the signs saying Jesus Loves You: "I know Jesus loves me, what the hell do you want??" That's what my then-mother-in-law said to them :)
not-performance based Christianity is like "okay, I know the Bible is right, but why?" and test and test and test and test. It's not accepting the book on blind faith, it's questioning your understanding of it constantly. It actually gets close to a scientific process. Ramsey is like that, and he, a Presbyterian, sits at a table with an Orthodox Jew and ends up saying "oh yeah I can why you would believe that!" Very open-minded.
So anyway, it seems your form of truth-seeking is close to these ideas, so I wanted to say them. Hope this helps.
"Jaded"- damned good word to describe some of what I feel about humanity in general, at least in how I react to the things we do! Heh.
As for churches, if I were to go to any church, I think it would have to be the Unitarian Universalist folks- they're awesome. They have Pagans, Buddhists, atheists, various Christians, Native American Spirituality-practitioners (several different Tribal traditions) and all kinds of other faiths attending their services. The idea is that you gather with your community, no matter what your personal faith is (or none, in my case) to share a moment of meditation, reflection and personal praise for the universe and whatever may have created it. Sometimes, it's just an excuse to hang out, enjoy each other's "god-within" presence and party. Pretty cool stuff. I'm sure an old Otherkin lizard like me is perfectly welcome!
I'm of the potentially odd opinion that reincarnation may well be a fact, yet I believe in it without the spiritual trappings many put on the concept. I guess I see it as a transference of energy- energy is never destroyed, only changed to something else. And, the energy that makes up a sentient mind strikes me as something that may well be able to go "elsewhere" when it's shell passes on. If simple mental-illness isn't enough to explain the strange memories some people have, then reincarnation seems to work.
Douchebags: awww, thanks. LOL I certainly try not to be a douchebag, though I know I have my moments. *shudders at some of the stupid things she's done in the past*
I'm still Otherkin 'cuz I haven't the foggiest idea of what I'd be otherwise! LOL The memories, the weird urges, the dreams... Who knows? I could just be nuts. I just know that I have a yen for scalies and not humans- never did. I prefer dragons to the point that I actually ended up marrying a fellow Otherkin one! I do like being around people, though- I just don't like the falseness, the trying so hard to "fit-in", the worries over stuff that I simply can't understand, like what star is doing what this week, or getting a loan so they can spend it on some stupid car to impress their neighbours. So much that we do, as people, makes no sense to me, and I cannot understand why they think it's even worth thinking about, let alone angsting over!
I like real stuff, like digging in the soil to plant flowers and food, making my den pretty and welcoming to guests, sharing good meals with folks, hugging my mate, being silly on the Net with distant friends, holding someone when they're in pain, playing with dogs and cats, chirping at the birds to see if they'll chirp back, sighing at the beauty of sunsets, helping neighbours sandbag their property against floods, relishing the movement of muscles when I'm climbing rocks... You know- life. Like Spider Robinson so aptly said in his Callahan books- "shared pain is lessened, shared love grows." >^____^<
*huggles*
I am really glad that over the years since I have first found out who and what I am that its become more accepting of us intermixing with the furry community. I actually separated myself from the otherkin community for a number of years because most of them felt repressed to me and weren't willing to talk about some subjects and others (dispite them claiming to be open minded) would cause you to get flamed. So I joined furry, and I still am a proud member of the furry community, however now that the otherkin community has matured a lot I find myself greatly enjoying both sides again.
I don't know what you think really, but I wouldn't leave the otherkin community behind. I know you're not really as spiritual as you once were, but you have a lot of friends that still talk with you who are active in the otherkin community. If nothing else stay for that?
I've never been through that myself, but I have been pretty gullible in the distant and not-so-distant past, and I have been hurt deeply in other aspects of life. My advice would be this: you need to rebuild spiritually, and the best way that I found to do this was on my own - determining for myself what was best for me spiritually. I consider myself an otherkin, but it was only after years of spiritual searching that this came to light.
Hopefully this doesn't turn you off of being an otherkin, or following your beliefs - please don't leave the community due to the actions of one individual. That sucks that she did that; hopefully your therapist can help you through this.
And that is something you might try. If dragons were important to you, choose them as an Archetype. A conscious choosing for identity for Self does not make it less powerful. So. Maybe create your own dragon, look at it symbolically. Nearly everything on it could be symbolic, from habitat to number of toes on the feet.
I think the important take-away here is not to be angry at someone else for "taking advantage" of you, because really, you were seeking a person like this out in the first place. It's also important not to be angry at yourself, because honestly beyond a little emotional turmoil no harm was done, and being angry at yourself never really solves anything anyways, it's just a good way to get depressed.
For the same reason children believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny and people believe in God you believed you were a Dragon. It was a comfortable fantasy, one of many we construct for ourselves (some more fanciful than others) to make life more enjoyable. It is important to be able to distinguish fact from fantasy, however, when fantasy creeps in and edges out fact it can manifest in a very real and dangerous way.
You're clearly an intelligent individual. It's easier to take solace in being an outsider if you actually feel that you are completely outside the human species even if that is incredibly improbable. You may have been compensating for feelings of loneliness and separateness and this was likely your coping mechanism. "Of course I'm secluded, I was a dragon in a past life, I'm unique and it is impossible to get close to anyone on a real emotional level as a result."
I've never really gone through the crisis you report having gone through, but I do understand loneliness. I understand feeling outside of it. Being a mixed artist/programmer I've had a hard time getting close to people. They either understand one side, or the other, but not both, it's rare to find someone I click with -really-, and I always feel misunderstood. It isn't that I'm even smarter than everyone around me, or more creative, I think it's just a weird mix. If I'm right (and I may not be, I don't know you) this seclusion is probably the root problem.
Again, it isn't anyone's fault, it is the situation you were in at the time. You've come out stronger.
Question everything.
That kind of thing must've been popular in the early 00s.. I remember tons of people IMing me wanting to read me or wanting me to be their mentor or something. Not sure if the community changed or if its just because I'm older or if its just because things like IMs are not as popular but it tapered off over the years.
And the mere fact that you're living your life the way you are is proof that you're much, much stronger. Focus on that, learn how to guard your heart, keep moving forward, and you'll be just fine *hugs*.
I guess what I want to say is not too unique, and it is that you should not let this one bad experience single handedly turn you away from 'draconity' (even though it sounds like that is not really the case). I remember when I first started questioning my draconity all those years ago, and I remember it consuming my thoughts for many months, but in my case I think I burned myself out with too MUCH skepticism, and at least in part because of this somewhat passively giving up on thinking about it. In my case I have regretted letting that happen and living much of the time since 'blindly'. This is why when I see somebody thinking about giving up their "pursuit" of draconity, I want to encourage them to not be too rash in their decision in that direction either.
Anyway, sorry to hear about the anguish this caused you. I will say though that this somehow, somewhat rekindled a more 'pure' desire I used to have for the physical form of a dragon, something that has been a bit more rare for me lately.