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My Insanity, My Torture, My Existence
14 years ago
Fulfillment: It is something that eludes me.
It's not something I actively seek, but it's something I'm sure most people spend their lives in search of. I'm writing this journal as a kind of... I suppose 'obligation' to those of you who wish to partake of my mind and what it produces. A part of me doesn't wish to write this at all as it yet again breaks the spirit of what I intended with joining FA.
All of this was really an experiment, to simply share. I didn't know where it would take me, and what it would mean to me in the end. Ultimately I simply wanted to make people smile, enjoy themselves, whatever; and as such put as much of my own strength into the endeavor to try to keep it as true to that purpose as best I could.
I find to my great disappointment that strength and resolve isn't what I wish it to be. This 'taint' of a broken soul or heart, or what you wish to call it has steadily seeped into what I've tried to do here. In a way I am denying myself the supposed right to be human or to have emotion or feeling. I think if things turned out differently I could probably do this without the emotional drag, and a part of me wishes it was that way so I could do this as carefree as possible.
Maybe I wanted to find the purity of a purpose when I was younger and things seemed much simpler, to do something just for the simple acceptance of a smile; and to do it simply because it was something I enjoyed, because it was something I wanted to do. I think for a time I found that, but as with all things it gets... complicated.
I never saw myself going down this path, but looking back it almost seems that there was no other way to go.
Making people smile is hard.
People are so bitter, so hardened. So many seek to be cynics and suck the joy out of the purest of things, to taint all things innocent. I'm not sure how to pursue happiness, it's something that eludes me. The sense of fulfillment, absent.
Never did I dream I'd effect people the way I do, or even the number of people. That said I never dreamed big, I always existed in my own personal space, my personal world; but whenever I looked up from it, I wanted... I think more than anything was to see others smile, and genuinely be happy.
As I grew older that became harder and harder, making people became harder and harder, more difficult until it became impossible. Eventually I found myself in a place, surrounded by unhappy people, and nothing I could do to reach to change that. People who were set with their bitterness. People who simply didn't care to make the lives of those around them just a little brighter.
I'm still surrounded by that. There's just too much of it, and I have this annoying inability to ignore it all, this darkness, this bitterness.
Right now, I think I'm more... proud of my work than I am of myself. I say this because the stuff I draw here on FA is a representation, or a testament of what I want: Enjoyment. The person behind those things? Ultimately bitter, cynical, hollow, scared, and alone.
A part of me wants to do this art, all the time, to explore, to bring that enjoyment and fulfillment to others. The rest of me is that broken person who struggles to find the will to pick up a pencil and create, that struggles to reach out to others, that tries to find his own personal meaning to it all.
I create things that are far greater than myself, which ultimately means I crush myself. Even though I say I am proud of my work, they are not a source of pride for me. They do not give me confidence, or self worth... I struggle to find the words to what it all does mean... that perhaps I am happy that it is well received for the most part... but I do not draw any sort of strength from that reaction; that I'm trapped being scared of it causing harm and pain instead. I worry I suppose, and probably far more than I should. I worry that I overstep my bounds. I worry that I needlessly drag others with whatever one may call this journal and various others. I worry that in a way I am full of myself to post this, because ultimately I'm dumping my insanity into the laps of others, which of course is a selfish thing to do; yet at the same time I do it as an explanation of my behavior (or at least an attempt) I'm not even sure if I should be even doing this; cause really ultimately this has far more potential to cause more harm than good.
Maybe a part of me is crying out, that maybe this is how things should be: That people should be allowed to and encouraged to air things out; to put themselves out on the table and not to be looked on as utterly insane for doing so. That maybe as social creatures it means the sharing of things big and small. That maybe I wouldn't be ruled by fear and apprehension so much if I knew I was accepted for who I was, for my strengths and many weaknesses.
I think that part of me got woken up more and more as I involved myself more and more with a community, and a ragged sense of belonging creeped in somewhere; a feeling that really is alien to me: A sense of participating, instead of simply observing. I'm not sure if I fear involving myself, or if I fear losing that sense of 'belonging', but this feeling of dread and apprehension is ever present. That exists because I got hurt too many times down the road of life from too many angles, from too many different types of people; I don't trust the world to do anything but rip my heart out in regards to anything I feel passionate about.
So perhaps I'm afraid, very afraid that the world stands to take one of the last few things that I do enjoy. So perhaps I'm afraid that I don't want to involve myself deeper into all of this because the more I do, the more it would hurt if it all fell apart.
I'm not sure if I'll ever be completely comfortable with what I do. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let my guard down and just enjoy myself.
I'm not even sure how to press forward from this point. A good part of me just wants to push forward with just the art, and just focus on that: The end result, the work and just forgo the emotional dramatics. Perhaps that would be for the best ultimately, and in the future that perhaps I should write these things for my own benefit in my solitude and not press the "Go" button after I'm finished.
But today I'm going to press "Go" at least one more time, and apologize for doing so; for that is my madness.
It's not something I actively seek, but it's something I'm sure most people spend their lives in search of. I'm writing this journal as a kind of... I suppose 'obligation' to those of you who wish to partake of my mind and what it produces. A part of me doesn't wish to write this at all as it yet again breaks the spirit of what I intended with joining FA.
All of this was really an experiment, to simply share. I didn't know where it would take me, and what it would mean to me in the end. Ultimately I simply wanted to make people smile, enjoy themselves, whatever; and as such put as much of my own strength into the endeavor to try to keep it as true to that purpose as best I could.
I find to my great disappointment that strength and resolve isn't what I wish it to be. This 'taint' of a broken soul or heart, or what you wish to call it has steadily seeped into what I've tried to do here. In a way I am denying myself the supposed right to be human or to have emotion or feeling. I think if things turned out differently I could probably do this without the emotional drag, and a part of me wishes it was that way so I could do this as carefree as possible.
Maybe I wanted to find the purity of a purpose when I was younger and things seemed much simpler, to do something just for the simple acceptance of a smile; and to do it simply because it was something I enjoyed, because it was something I wanted to do. I think for a time I found that, but as with all things it gets... complicated.
I never saw myself going down this path, but looking back it almost seems that there was no other way to go.
Making people smile is hard.
People are so bitter, so hardened. So many seek to be cynics and suck the joy out of the purest of things, to taint all things innocent. I'm not sure how to pursue happiness, it's something that eludes me. The sense of fulfillment, absent.
Never did I dream I'd effect people the way I do, or even the number of people. That said I never dreamed big, I always existed in my own personal space, my personal world; but whenever I looked up from it, I wanted... I think more than anything was to see others smile, and genuinely be happy.
As I grew older that became harder and harder, making people became harder and harder, more difficult until it became impossible. Eventually I found myself in a place, surrounded by unhappy people, and nothing I could do to reach to change that. People who were set with their bitterness. People who simply didn't care to make the lives of those around them just a little brighter.
I'm still surrounded by that. There's just too much of it, and I have this annoying inability to ignore it all, this darkness, this bitterness.
Right now, I think I'm more... proud of my work than I am of myself. I say this because the stuff I draw here on FA is a representation, or a testament of what I want: Enjoyment. The person behind those things? Ultimately bitter, cynical, hollow, scared, and alone.
A part of me wants to do this art, all the time, to explore, to bring that enjoyment and fulfillment to others. The rest of me is that broken person who struggles to find the will to pick up a pencil and create, that struggles to reach out to others, that tries to find his own personal meaning to it all.
I create things that are far greater than myself, which ultimately means I crush myself. Even though I say I am proud of my work, they are not a source of pride for me. They do not give me confidence, or self worth... I struggle to find the words to what it all does mean... that perhaps I am happy that it is well received for the most part... but I do not draw any sort of strength from that reaction; that I'm trapped being scared of it causing harm and pain instead. I worry I suppose, and probably far more than I should. I worry that I overstep my bounds. I worry that I needlessly drag others with whatever one may call this journal and various others. I worry that in a way I am full of myself to post this, because ultimately I'm dumping my insanity into the laps of others, which of course is a selfish thing to do; yet at the same time I do it as an explanation of my behavior (or at least an attempt) I'm not even sure if I should be even doing this; cause really ultimately this has far more potential to cause more harm than good.
Maybe a part of me is crying out, that maybe this is how things should be: That people should be allowed to and encouraged to air things out; to put themselves out on the table and not to be looked on as utterly insane for doing so. That maybe as social creatures it means the sharing of things big and small. That maybe I wouldn't be ruled by fear and apprehension so much if I knew I was accepted for who I was, for my strengths and many weaknesses.
I think that part of me got woken up more and more as I involved myself more and more with a community, and a ragged sense of belonging creeped in somewhere; a feeling that really is alien to me: A sense of participating, instead of simply observing. I'm not sure if I fear involving myself, or if I fear losing that sense of 'belonging', but this feeling of dread and apprehension is ever present. That exists because I got hurt too many times down the road of life from too many angles, from too many different types of people; I don't trust the world to do anything but rip my heart out in regards to anything I feel passionate about.
So perhaps I'm afraid, very afraid that the world stands to take one of the last few things that I do enjoy. So perhaps I'm afraid that I don't want to involve myself deeper into all of this because the more I do, the more it would hurt if it all fell apart.
I'm not sure if I'll ever be completely comfortable with what I do. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let my guard down and just enjoy myself.
I'm not even sure how to press forward from this point. A good part of me just wants to push forward with just the art, and just focus on that: The end result, the work and just forgo the emotional dramatics. Perhaps that would be for the best ultimately, and in the future that perhaps I should write these things for my own benefit in my solitude and not press the "Go" button after I'm finished.
But today I'm going to press "Go" at least one more time, and apologize for doing so; for that is my madness.
Its not a matter of you dont know how to pursue happiness....I think its just a matter of previous failures that make you fearful to try to obtain it
I dont mean to sound cheesy, but just being able to chat with you makes me happy...though I try to avoid chatting with you too much cause I dont want you to get tired of me <^.^'> .
I say stop worrying....after all, your not the one whom got most of the folks in this fandom into the type of stuff they are into. I was into it since I was four years old....WAY before I met you. You just so happen to put it on paper in an amazing manner. I feel much of it is publish worthy. You obviously have not seen much of the comics currently sold at some comic stores. They have stuff exactly like what you draw.....but mostly Hentai stuff . So your stuff is rated G compared to them .
And yes, people should be able to share their emotions with others...to "air out" as you say. Its not good to keep things bottled up wether it may be anger, sadness, bitterness, confusion, or anything.
And I say continue on going....but know this, there are others going along with yah.....as a friend, companion, fan, or whatever you wish to call them.
The world is full of bitterness, good observation. Not sure about your place, I see it too - but it's not the only thing I see. I also see optimists, joy, enjoyment... fullfillment? Rarely. I now regard it more as an assembly of pieces. Everyone is "multiple personas", has lots of things on his mind, and there is for sure always some present which are dark and gloomy. I once strived for eliminating them, getting rid of ALL things inside myself which are "not perfect". And utterly failed.
Now I'm trying to enjoy (for pessimists turned cynics, "enjoyment" can be surprisingly hard) the things I have, those which go above the average of a dull day-to-day-life, and not wait for the dullness to disappear itself. It works... more or less. It doesn't make my whole existance happy, but I do see happy moments. Sometimes need to actively remind myself to it. First I thought this was cheating, but by learning more about the human mind (psychology, how the brain works, etc) I learned that self-deception is always happening, so why not also in a good way?
It's sad to not enjoy something out of the fear of losing it. But it's really a choice of how many emotions one can handle - no fear, no enjoyment. They're directly coupled. No happiness without sadness, too. I know both sides, well, I'm not too emotional, but sometimes (especially in my time before I found the fandom) I'm extremly emotion-devoided. It's a dreadful existence.... perhaps being actively emotional sad is a price to pay for being happy at other times.
About your "Endium" and "the person behind". Is that really such a huge difference? Isn't Endium one part of you, not a physical one, but nonetheless one aspect of yourself? are you just actively separating the part which does seem successfull and happier from yourself? I went to a psychotherapist not long ago, and one of the things she told me was that we all have a "mental image" of ourselfs - how we see what we are, subconscienously. And try to continue being that way. So even though I, the awake myself, strive to be happy, my subcon thinks I'm a looner, looser, not worth it - and it appears it actively tries to make sure I am! I noticed this after I forced myself to certain activities and notices not doing those was not lazyness on my side, but active sabotage (can't call it any other way) of my subcon!
So perhaps it might be worthwile to identify more with Endium, not separate from him. I for myself opted for total identification - Zefiro and the person behind are one and the same thing, just one aspect of him.
Hope that helps :)
I don't see this as dumping your insanity on others, to me this is simply venting. It's good to get pressure of your chest and breath. It's normal to open yourself up and share your pain with others. Yes, people today are shallow, cynical, predictable and blunt, I'll admit I'm like that, but that's because they can't show trust like you have by posting this. it shows that you are more human, more normal then them. You have friends to turn to, people you trust and show the same trust to you.
I hate being blunt, it's not something I enjoy, but, pull your head out of your ass and smile, rely on the people around you, connect your world to theirs, expand, build and live, that's life.
I want to apologize in advance if I stepped over the line.
i understand how you feel, i too feel that way about my life. i havent drawn in years, worked on a 3d model in at least a year, and i can barely write for half an hour a day.
i do my best to make others smile too, only i do it through my job. i work at a convience store, and i do my best to make people laugh while they are there... but its retail, and you see some of the worst things humanity has to offer...
i just wish there was some way i could help you and make you smile.
Though i may not understand how you are feeling, I can say that venting out, Even if its just to put words to what you feel and never post it is a way to clear the mind. One of the first steps in reaching a goal is not just knowing what that goal is... But what you know you have to face to reach that goal.
There are many ways of venting what one feels, And the best way for that person to do it can only be chosen from within.
We cannot see through our monitors, So we cannot see the reaction of others. I am a fan of your work, I don't say much in real life, And the same goes for me on the net. For me comments need to have something truly meaningful in the words. Even if i really like the image or story, I cannot just comment if there are no words within me to pass on. A great many submissions i see and read bring out a smile or some other reaction, Though few of the feelings i get from them can be put into words at that time.
Everyone has different ways of expressing their enjoyment of a piece of art or literature. Emotions are a big part of what is created, Even if its in writing out a story or drawing a comic that contains the happiness we seek. IF one gives up in creating their art, Then they may loose what happiness it brings to them and they fall deeper into sadness.
I think you feel this heart-ache because you want to. When you were a kid, did you ever keep crying past the point of actual crying?
You seem very accepting of your flaws. You've decided that you're fine with it all. You're content with who you are in a sense, and that's all you need. Embrace your flawed humanity. That's all that any of us have the ability to do.
Comment:
"Making people smile is hard."
People are so bitter, so hardened. So many seek to be cynics and suck the joy out of the purest of things, to taint all things innocent. I'm not sure how to pursue happiness, it's something that eludes me. The sense of fulfillment, absent."
Responce: It is far easier than you think to make people smile. Of course there are people that never smile and are always bitter. But we do not know what they are going through. I don't know what you are going through. But I will give a recommendation. Forget about the people that are bringing you down. If you are helping them or trying to help them but they are slowly bringing your life into chaos and they can't help themselves, then it is time for you to help yourself.
It sounds to me like you need to start things new, with a fresh perspective. Take a vacation away from what you are currently doing and find something new that will refresh your mind and spirit. You can't give up on yourself. Even if it means seeing a phsychiatrist or a counselor. I do, and I know no one would be expecting that.
I am not sure if you know me or don't know me, but I have been a fan of your work for quite some time now. So is
If you truly didn't make people smile, no one would be making comments here and showing their support for you.
Don't forget your friends, or your fans. That is a good source of strength and spirit. But most of all, don't forget about the things that you enjoy doing. Live for yourself and be yourself. You and #1 in your life, and you need to have that will to survive and endure, and rising to the occation will make you happy when you are doing it or have accomplished it.
Oh JP! Dude! I can't wait for you to come over again! Your should bring your friend one day. I think he needs to jump on the trampoline a few time and just free fall letting things go
JK. I had no idea
if need something will be da here for support
You can't live in fear though.... that way lies only more of the same.
C'est la vie
Endium, this might not mean much to you, but you make me smile. Heh... I have been a great fan of you for perhaps the greater part of two years, give or take a few months. I have never dared to talk to you properly before a month or two ago because you were an idol of greatness, something to revere and appreciate.
Sure, it might not mean much, since I am just an invisible voice, so far away, living only among the small chunks of text that I give to you now and then. But yes... Every few days, for the last two years. Perhaps sometimes with a week's wait in between perhaps two at times, when I got busy. But I always came back. To me, you are one of the greatest artists on FA; below Narse, Tojo and those up there. You experiment, you try out new things, and you have a charismatic approach in your art that makes you... Truly splendid to watch.
I always smiled when I watched your art, because it was one of my few, hidden delights that I found myself wanting. Haha, strange as it is, it is true. You say that making people smile is hard... Yes, that is quite true. Most of the time, people seem to wallow in self-pity and anguish, for reasons unknown. People grow up, people meet the hardships of the world, and people collapse under the weight of the burden they meet... And that makes it all the harder to put on your brightest smile and try your hardest to cheer those up; to just make their days even a slightly bit brighter. I know that first hand. But not everyone are like that.
There are those, out there, who really would be honoured to talk to you. There are those that your very presence is enough to make them giddy with delight. If I got to talk to you in person, for example, I'd probably give a fanboy-squeal, haha.... Woah, this message turned out longer than I had expected it to be... I hope the big size is not turning you off and making you less likely to read this, but Ehh... That's life, eh?
And well... To conclude this message of mine. I am happy that you have the bravery to post what you did. There are many fans out there that does not care about people, caring only for the art. Those are the ones that groan at drama, those that groan at people complaining, wishing they could just shut up and go on with art, to please them. Then, there are those that care about you; those that are happy that you manned up enough to actually brave the world and show yourself for what you truly are. It is commendable, and I am glad you chose to do so. Friends are someone that can take on their friends' faults and still smile along with them. If you do not open, then you would never make friends of your fans, and your relationship with your fans would be a fake, shallow one. So in the end... Thank you for telling us about this. I hope at least some of us, your caring fans, can put a smile on your face. I truly hope that.
I'm coming to believe that even the "bad" can still be good. We understand each other better by finding out about each other's struggles, and sometimes we gain insight into ourselves through what we see in someone else. Often, we find out that we're not completely alone in feeling as we do or living through what we experience. Every person's experience is unique, but there are plenty of similar threads.
It's a crap shoot to show even a piece of the pain of existence. Most people, I believe, prefer to drink their cheap light beer and watch their sit coms and evening news, and pretend that everything's fine and that nobody's troubles are really that bad. When one of those people encounter something that contradicts that delusional view of reality, they may fight back, but they're the ones who need to be challenged. I'm glad that you share with us what happens and how you feel, what existence is for you. Hopefully it eases the pain. Seeing what you say is a reassurance for me that, whether or not my impressions of people's apathy and willful ignorance are sane, I am not alone in it. While in some ways it would be nice to simply believe that I'm wrong, and people are better creatures than that, it just won't work for me. Some days I can get away with not thinking about it, but there are plenty of other days when I find myself disgusted. For now, I persist in being as an act of both defiance and hope.