FA+
Shop
I'm still about
14 years ago
█ I'm still struggling with myself, trying to get rid of the things that ultimately paralyze me from drawing and expressing myself (and I mean expression as a whole)
There's always trepidation in me that usually leads to some form of regret for things I say and do. My regrets almost center around causing harm to another in one form or another, and seldom do I regret anything that ends up in harm to myself. It's a sort of "I deserve it" kinda mentality in which I suppose is a common theme with those who have low-self esteem.
I suppose it's something I've accepted for a long time since that's how I had to cope with the whole "bad things happen to good people" bit. I was surrounded by self-important people, and I certainly lacked their conviction and passion for doing what they wanted, and taking what they wanted. That's something that never clicked with me, that for you to get something, you had to want it. You had to really, really want it, and that if you got stepped on by someone else, well you just didn't want it enough, and you let yourself get walked over. For me, I eventually just saw it more of that I'm a burden or simply in the way of others who want to live life more. I couldn't see a place for me in the dog-eat-dog world that's always rushing, I still don't. Even if I did I don't think I'm assertive enough to go for it.
Perhaps I'm going for something here on FA, but I'm not even sure what that is, or if I should be doing it in some other fashion.
█ Something else I suppose, is while I don't mind being judged what does to me is disappointing people. One might ask what the difference is, but for me it's some what of a separation from the opinion of a person who doesn't give a damn, and one who does.
It's easy to criticize people that you don't like or know, and as such I don't really give such opinions much thought or weight, but it's different for those you do like or know. Cause you have some vestment in those people, or they you. Those are the expectations people wish to rise or aspire to, at least they are for me in my case. When it comes to matters of FA, I have a level of expectation of myself, and really I assume you do of me. I'm certainly not going to dismiss it as the over-fantasizing of my brain, because for me it's something that's very real.
Though as such I have a hard time asserting myself as an imperfect person while at the same time trying to present something that is as close to perfect as possible. Perhaps another result of social engineering in where one's flaws are to be hidden away, and one's virtues to be presented and overexposed. I think this is probably taxing for most people, but that's how the game is played anyways. It's all about vanity, and projecting one's perfect image on others.
Suppose being imperfect wouldn't be such a horrible thing if people weren't so unforgiving about people making mistakes, or being different, or being simply human. In any event I'm stuck with this fear of disappointing those who follow what I do, and it's not something I'm able to dismiss with "Oh well, they didn't matter anyways."
█ Still I'm going to try and do this all for myself so I can actually do more art in general. Course this just leads me to a slight wistful wishing of if I had the option of uploading stuff that wouldn't auto pop on my watcher's submission lists, or having folders to sort things out.
Basically I'm trying to say that I should sketch out my ideas more and share the unfinished product as opposed to letting them sit in my head and fade into oblivion. That I should try to accept that I don't have to put out 'awesome' stuff every time I put something up, and that I should allow myself some low-quality stuff just to express the idea in some form.
There's always trepidation in me that usually leads to some form of regret for things I say and do. My regrets almost center around causing harm to another in one form or another, and seldom do I regret anything that ends up in harm to myself. It's a sort of "I deserve it" kinda mentality in which I suppose is a common theme with those who have low-self esteem.
I suppose it's something I've accepted for a long time since that's how I had to cope with the whole "bad things happen to good people" bit. I was surrounded by self-important people, and I certainly lacked their conviction and passion for doing what they wanted, and taking what they wanted. That's something that never clicked with me, that for you to get something, you had to want it. You had to really, really want it, and that if you got stepped on by someone else, well you just didn't want it enough, and you let yourself get walked over. For me, I eventually just saw it more of that I'm a burden or simply in the way of others who want to live life more. I couldn't see a place for me in the dog-eat-dog world that's always rushing, I still don't. Even if I did I don't think I'm assertive enough to go for it.
Perhaps I'm going for something here on FA, but I'm not even sure what that is, or if I should be doing it in some other fashion.
█ Something else I suppose, is while I don't mind being judged what does to me is disappointing people. One might ask what the difference is, but for me it's some what of a separation from the opinion of a person who doesn't give a damn, and one who does.
It's easy to criticize people that you don't like or know, and as such I don't really give such opinions much thought or weight, but it's different for those you do like or know. Cause you have some vestment in those people, or they you. Those are the expectations people wish to rise or aspire to, at least they are for me in my case. When it comes to matters of FA, I have a level of expectation of myself, and really I assume you do of me. I'm certainly not going to dismiss it as the over-fantasizing of my brain, because for me it's something that's very real.
Though as such I have a hard time asserting myself as an imperfect person while at the same time trying to present something that is as close to perfect as possible. Perhaps another result of social engineering in where one's flaws are to be hidden away, and one's virtues to be presented and overexposed. I think this is probably taxing for most people, but that's how the game is played anyways. It's all about vanity, and projecting one's perfect image on others.
Suppose being imperfect wouldn't be such a horrible thing if people weren't so unforgiving about people making mistakes, or being different, or being simply human. In any event I'm stuck with this fear of disappointing those who follow what I do, and it's not something I'm able to dismiss with "Oh well, they didn't matter anyways."
█ Still I'm going to try and do this all for myself so I can actually do more art in general. Course this just leads me to a slight wistful wishing of if I had the option of uploading stuff that wouldn't auto pop on my watcher's submission lists, or having folders to sort things out.
Basically I'm trying to say that I should sketch out my ideas more and share the unfinished product as opposed to letting them sit in my head and fade into oblivion. That I should try to accept that I don't have to put out 'awesome' stuff every time I put something up, and that I should allow myself some low-quality stuff just to express the idea in some form.
Yet nobody puts the group together until I log on almost.. well almost every time I believe.
Thankfully I try not to think about it too much, and mostly just do what seems to be expected of me (and maybe it's not, I honestly don't know..), but it did lead me to some depressing thoughts the other night when that guy was talking and ended up helping us out on Al'Akir the other night.
I think you command respect in that sense cause people know you're capable of the job, even if you don't know what's going to be coming down the road. I know I do with some of the people I run with, but I simply don't have the energy to do it anymore.
Initiative simply comes from a want, and when it comes to leadership, people have to want it more than the other guy; cause there can only ever be one captain of a ship. If no one wants to lead, then eventually someone will fill that role so long as there's a collective goal that requires co-operation. I just think initiative is an inevitability of a situation.
Communication is, though, one of the major traits of a good leader. I recall reading in numerous military novels about good commanders who share their thoughts with their subordinates under the idea that if there's a problem and the goals become less clearly defined, instead of having to ask for a new set of orders, they can adapt on their own to methods and goals that still fit the commander's mindset.
As a military member, and by that definition, let me say that I haven't seen much of any good commanders. >.>
Also maybe your sketches not so refined and look finished like some other artists, but they are scetches. And good concept or idea is always more then look. Seeing finished and painted picture is cool but here is my idea scetch and i don't know weather I would return to it or not but have fun is really nice too.
and at last sorry not following you or faving your art, although I could it do but adding watch is inconvinient method of spaming your message box, especially if I coming to your page every day anyway, and faving images is kinda not handy because there are plenty disappearing art on fa and fa thingy delete one removed image from faves, then move again over pages to delete another is just time sink. And no way just delete all of them. :(