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I shoulda been fucking aborted
14 years ago
Son of a..
Ya I said it..and ya..this is another Rant..whatever...
its come to my attention...I'm the burden..the tag along..waste of time and energy..BLAME child..
I get blamed for everything..EVERYTHING...I could walk in a room and haven't said a word or looked at anyone and be told to CLEAN MY MESS...when I hadn't even set FOOT in said room for more than 2 seconds..
or the fact that I'm the one who gets told to clean up after the dogs, I only have ONE dog Joey, he's always with me and never does much without me aorund, but now I'm cleaning up after my moms dogs and bros dog..and puppies?
the best part about that is, my mom and bro are in the room and watch the pups shit infront of them and then don't move, but as soon as I'm in the room its. ' oh theres poo!' and then stare at ME..'oh theres piddles too!' ...again..I have to do it.
I feel bad for the dogs..all of them..they all camp out in my room..I'm the only one who fucking cares about them..I've loved them unconditionally and they give me love back, sloppy kisses and nibbles and rub upons but they love me.
I feed, water, bathe, clip, brush, style, walk, play, and LOVE them all fucking 8 of them..yes 8! 5 adults and 3 pups...-sigh-...my mom and bro are constantly yelling at me about thier problems and shit..but if I have problems its invalid..my feelings DON'T matter anymore than a bump on a fucking log does.
I hate it when the obvious is in my moms plain sight but yet..I'm the one at fault..20 minutes ago she came up to scream at me about me wearing shoes and to shut up. I was standing there with a cup of tea, barefoot and partway to the stairs to go to my room, I was like I'm not wearing shoes and I'm barely talking!?. meanwhile bro is infront of her in the kitchen with his BOOTS on stirring a pot of noodles, SNORTING his fucking nose and complaining at me about something. and yet..she turns and looks at ME?...
'take off those fucking shoes I'm tired of hearing you go back and forth to the computer, and SHUT UP! its 2am have some fucking respect for those who are sleeping and WORKING!.'
I just stood there..like..W...T...F....
bro smirks as she goes downstairs...I was like...I hate this fucking family.. ihate it so much..
they both have steady jobs, I'm still struggling, between trying to find a doc who will see a transgendered person, and trying to find work, AND taking care of the dogs and house hold chores ( ya no one else fucking bothers to clean or cook anymore ) ...I'm being held back...I wanted to go to College..pft..not gonna happen..I'm trying to plow through commissions in art as well as costumes...and prepare for a con I've been working so hard for...I doubt I'm gonna get to get anything done or have money in time.
but...when I was working and bringing home a paycheck..my mother was...NICER to me..she ONLY wanted HALF my pay..-sigh- I didn't make very much and I only took the job so she'd shut the hell up..but as soo nas the cash flow ended..I was back to being the fucking burden. we used to say our goodnights and share feelings....when I was working.....and now that I'm not..I'm lucky ifI even get a fucking 'I love you' once in a blue moon.
I'm just a fucking slave..always have been..always WILL be..I have nothing to look forward too other than always being disappointed and walked on.
my father and mother used me and bro as an object to fight over..dad kidnapped us ultimately telling us mom abandoned us, in that time bro became super attached to me, we were abused everyday..bruised..beaten and broken. the only thing they didn't do was rape, but step mom molested us..and made comments about our imperfect preteen bodies when were at our most vulnerable, in the shower or getting dressed or on the toilet. she'd grab and poke and fondle..was just..NOT RIGHT..dad never believed us..and he's just as messed up. his idea of 'playing' with his kids is dry humping them over thier bed and making animal noises..wtf? or sitting on them saying he's getting ass fucked...
the day they found out I was trans or even remotly gay, it got worse..I ended up leaving living with afriend then a shelter for close to 5 years..my bro changed...he was too young to come with me and when I saw him again he was cold and distant.we lost touch..I started to have him over at my housing unit and we'd talk and cry and then just..by chance found out mother and now we are here with her. it was FUN up until 2010 ended..fighting all the time and everything..
in a house full of 3 ppl and 8 dogs...I've never felt MORE...ALONE...
if I wasn't such a pussy about death and death related pain, I'd of taken my life long ago...but then what would that solve? oh great another dead body..whatever!..-sigh- I've said this to others before, in hopes to cheer them up and I'm not sure if even I believe it anymore 'Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem' ......at this point..I'm not even sure..its been going on all my fucking life.
and I get PISSED when people tell me to get off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself and DO something about it. when I've JUST explained my fucking lifes story and they STILL wonder why I'm STUCK in this shithole!..NO ONE IS WILLING TO HELP ME I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN I JUST CAN'T!! I NEED A FUCKING MIRACLE!! i can't even Cry anymore! am I that dead!?
therefore...
I should have been aborted the minute she knew she was pregnant, then she could live her fucking life without the burden called, PARENTHOOD...
its come to my attention...I'm the burden..the tag along..waste of time and energy..BLAME child..
I get blamed for everything..EVERYTHING...I could walk in a room and haven't said a word or looked at anyone and be told to CLEAN MY MESS...when I hadn't even set FOOT in said room for more than 2 seconds..
or the fact that I'm the one who gets told to clean up after the dogs, I only have ONE dog Joey, he's always with me and never does much without me aorund, but now I'm cleaning up after my moms dogs and bros dog..and puppies?
the best part about that is, my mom and bro are in the room and watch the pups shit infront of them and then don't move, but as soon as I'm in the room its. ' oh theres poo!' and then stare at ME..'oh theres piddles too!' ...again..I have to do it.
I feel bad for the dogs..all of them..they all camp out in my room..I'm the only one who fucking cares about them..I've loved them unconditionally and they give me love back, sloppy kisses and nibbles and rub upons but they love me.
I feed, water, bathe, clip, brush, style, walk, play, and LOVE them all fucking 8 of them..yes 8! 5 adults and 3 pups...-sigh-...my mom and bro are constantly yelling at me about thier problems and shit..but if I have problems its invalid..my feelings DON'T matter anymore than a bump on a fucking log does.
I hate it when the obvious is in my moms plain sight but yet..I'm the one at fault..20 minutes ago she came up to scream at me about me wearing shoes and to shut up. I was standing there with a cup of tea, barefoot and partway to the stairs to go to my room, I was like I'm not wearing shoes and I'm barely talking!?. meanwhile bro is infront of her in the kitchen with his BOOTS on stirring a pot of noodles, SNORTING his fucking nose and complaining at me about something. and yet..she turns and looks at ME?...
'take off those fucking shoes I'm tired of hearing you go back and forth to the computer, and SHUT UP! its 2am have some fucking respect for those who are sleeping and WORKING!.'
I just stood there..like..W...T...F....
bro smirks as she goes downstairs...I was like...I hate this fucking family.. ihate it so much..
they both have steady jobs, I'm still struggling, between trying to find a doc who will see a transgendered person, and trying to find work, AND taking care of the dogs and house hold chores ( ya no one else fucking bothers to clean or cook anymore ) ...I'm being held back...I wanted to go to College..pft..not gonna happen..I'm trying to plow through commissions in art as well as costumes...and prepare for a con I've been working so hard for...I doubt I'm gonna get to get anything done or have money in time.
but...when I was working and bringing home a paycheck..my mother was...NICER to me..she ONLY wanted HALF my pay..-sigh- I didn't make very much and I only took the job so she'd shut the hell up..but as soo nas the cash flow ended..I was back to being the fucking burden. we used to say our goodnights and share feelings....when I was working.....and now that I'm not..I'm lucky ifI even get a fucking 'I love you' once in a blue moon.
I'm just a fucking slave..always have been..always WILL be..I have nothing to look forward too other than always being disappointed and walked on.
my father and mother used me and bro as an object to fight over..dad kidnapped us ultimately telling us mom abandoned us, in that time bro became super attached to me, we were abused everyday..bruised..beaten and broken. the only thing they didn't do was rape, but step mom molested us..and made comments about our imperfect preteen bodies when were at our most vulnerable, in the shower or getting dressed or on the toilet. she'd grab and poke and fondle..was just..NOT RIGHT..dad never believed us..and he's just as messed up. his idea of 'playing' with his kids is dry humping them over thier bed and making animal noises..wtf? or sitting on them saying he's getting ass fucked...
the day they found out I was trans or even remotly gay, it got worse..I ended up leaving living with afriend then a shelter for close to 5 years..my bro changed...he was too young to come with me and when I saw him again he was cold and distant.we lost touch..I started to have him over at my housing unit and we'd talk and cry and then just..by chance found out mother and now we are here with her. it was FUN up until 2010 ended..fighting all the time and everything..
in a house full of 3 ppl and 8 dogs...I've never felt MORE...ALONE...
if I wasn't such a pussy about death and death related pain, I'd of taken my life long ago...but then what would that solve? oh great another dead body..whatever!..-sigh- I've said this to others before, in hopes to cheer them up and I'm not sure if even I believe it anymore 'Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem' ......at this point..I'm not even sure..its been going on all my fucking life.
and I get PISSED when people tell me to get off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself and DO something about it. when I've JUST explained my fucking lifes story and they STILL wonder why I'm STUCK in this shithole!..NO ONE IS WILLING TO HELP ME I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN I JUST CAN'T!! I NEED A FUCKING MIRACLE!! i can't even Cry anymore! am I that dead!?
therefore...
I should have been aborted the minute she knew she was pregnant, then she could live her fucking life without the burden called, PARENTHOOD...
Crying is a way to help you heal. You release your pain, your hate, your frustrations... I do it alot,... I can't say that I've been in your position. I can not say the things that will supposably help cus sometimes it can't. I won't say what you should do cus sometimes... those words won't help either.
I would say if the puppies are old enough, sell them or give them to people whom love them as much as you do but I do not know if they are close to you like family that you won't give them out.
I am sorry if your having a bad time. I really do wish I can help.
I just wish people would at least look at my art more than just for freebies..I do everything from drawing to fursuits and sculpting..but still nothing but a few nibbles if I'm lucky.
I'am crying its hard to see the keys anymore..and Joey my beloved little dog is at my feet...staring at me with big brown sorry eyes..he's my only comfort...I love him so much...
Its taking me time to do my comissions to and sadly the money won't be coming to my hand. My paypal is messed up and I can't use it until I get a new bank account.
He knows your pain. I have a cat and she knows mine. Whenever I cry, she shows up and sadly.. those claws of hers are painful but I know she only wanted to show comfort... have a claw mark on my neck from her XD.
Put up a journal... Ooooo will edit that into the journal.
Your joking! Porn didn't even get to them O.o WTF!
I'm sorry..
And no, no you shouldn't have been.. Your the greatest person in the whole world, and if they are going to be asses to you when Im there, *growls* I will be pissed.. They are the burdens, and they needs to learn how to get off their lazy asses and not use the damn excuse "Well I got a job" WHO CARES. They are showing they are assholes by doing that,
I've said this ALOT..
I love you Wryan, I love you so much, I cant even describe how much I love you. If I could buy the world for you, I would, I would do anything, I would put my life on the line for you.
When I get there, If things havent changed with them, I will make them change... I can tell you that. I'm going to be on non-stop, clean mode, so you mother cant bitch at you when you need sleep, or when you didnt make the mess... I'm tired of her allways blaming you, and your brother gay-bashing you, Their is nothing wrong with you, not a damn thing!!! And They need to get their heads out of their asses and see the true, wonderful, amazing person that you are.. They need to see it.. I see it, and alot of your friends see it..
I love you Wryan
Love birds make me smile.
I hope you get out of there some day.
And if they question you crying.
Cry anyway, cry it all out... they don't need to know why, just let those emotions flow, let them out even scream in a pillow helps.
I wish I was there to give ya a sisterly hug, everything will be okay in time.
Just be patient Tani, you're a real trooper for making it in life this far, just keep trying.
There is more, it is always the darkest before dawn - when things go bad, there will always be a way out.
You just have to have faith and trust in your heart and spirit to guide you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C68nicab4s
I know it seems dark, and I know how you feel, I've been through being abused and told that I was worthless, and nothing.
I am still struggling; and here is my advice to you - keep one foot forward, keep your head up and facing to the future; you can get through it.
There is a strength in heart and spirit that you have to have gotten through it this long.
Don't give up! Behind every cloud is a silver lining, for every shadow there is the sun.
Another thing, something a very, very wise old woman told me; its something I have held close to my heart since.
Always keep at least a spark of your inner child, take joy in the small things - the feel of the breeze, the blade of grass, the warmth of the sun coming in through the window - the thrill of the peals of thunder. For every bad thing there is something good - Always find that good thing, and take joy in it, let yourself laugh and cry, let your emotions show.
There is joy in life, even in the darkest of times; You've only to let yourself grasp it.
Walk along the path of Life with the wonder, curiosity, fascination of a child; be carefree. Dance in the rain, sing in the shower; laugh with the wind!
I'm not sure if any of this will help, but I am giving you the advice that has helped me through so many hard times - some of which I am still going through even now.
*hugs* Please feel better!
But one day, you just need to hold in there hun.. please
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2360999/
wish there was more i could do to help you tani. I was in a similar situation with my father and step brother.... i know what its like having to clean up dog poo even tho there are other people who sat right there, the one who got yelled at for everything... even if i did stuff i was yelled at time and time again... if i didn't, i got yelled at for doing nothing. i wasn't allowed to go out, hang with friends, sleepovers were a never going to happen, and if a friend ever came over they were judged so much that they hated my parents and wouldn't come back...
I've never been molested or anything.. but i can understand the pain and frustration...
your not alone and if you ever need to just talk message me on skype. i'll do my best to listen because we've both gone through some nasty shit... i know how it feels... i know the pain.
you aren't alone tani, i know turk loves you very much, and i hope you guys get to see each other someday.