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Trouble Focusing: A bit sickly
14 years ago
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• Comic Slot - Endium: Slave Ball - Rogue AI (17% complete)
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█ Still trying to work, but currently difficult; just far too many unwanted distractions. Among them being that today is warmer than I'm comfortable with, and a fly that's buzzing around my room that's probably on the verge of dying (it's pretty much flying blindly into everything in my room, including myself), and the mosquitoes... I despise those bloodsuckers... I've been feeling tired all day, perhaps due to inconsistent sleep; but I have little control over when I wake up (which is always far too early). To top it off I'm probably suffering from hay fever with a runny nose and sneezing. Granted the physical inconveniences I can deal with; they aren't that big in the grand scheme of things in my life and probably won't be till I'm old and grey.
Mentally and Spiritually I feel a bit ill as well. There's no real justice in the world, and me trying to deal with the technicalities and possible ramifications of Pay Pal and me trying to secure some kind of living with my art has only reminded me of how shallow and selfish the world is. That I am not free to try to make a living off what I enjoy without the "screw you" hammer hanging over my head. Yeah there's other services, but they're set up to gouge out a significant portion of what one earns; which means either I absorb that increased cost, or pass it down to other people. It begs the question sometimes of why anyone aspires to be anything when you have so many people out there ready, waiting, and able to drag you down.
Unfortunately I'm not the kind of person who goes "Screw it, I'm going to do it without you" as a large part of my ascribes to the belief that the path people need to take is together; that doing anything on your own is ultimately a pointless endeavor because who cares? Or more over, if people do care they end up resenting you for having to be a jackass to get what you want. That an achievement is more meaningful when it's done together, and that those lesser can be given a hand so they can stand just as tall.
Yet that's the kind of person I need to push to be if I'm to survive in this world ultimately; that I need to exist in a state that is not my own: to step on my own values so I can fret less about them. This culture is sick... so very sick in that such a thing must happen. People can snuff out their virtues and morals for a buck, and do so without flinching or caring and call it "business as usual" and many people accept it that way.
I suppose I'm dissapointed in essentially what happens is if anyone ever cares to take something from me, that in most cases I am not allowed to push back; that instead I must take from other people, or rely on the charity of others. Yet, this is something that goes day in and day out for people; trapped in a system that takes and takes and no one is allowed to push or fight back.
It also doesn't help that I beat myself up on doing commissions; don't get me wrong I have fun with the majority of them, but sometimes they end up being troublesome or problematic for me because of the finer details. I view art as the communication of an idea, and to that effect I think I can do that well most times; but the quality is perhaps what I consider the 'elegance.' I try to make my stuff elegant, even if sometimes lazy. It's not that I fear my watchers opinions, or those of you reading this; I'm comfortable with that. The problem is that I have difficulty in pleasing myself; the only approval I've worked for is my own really. Maybe that's just something that's hardwired into me, I don't know; but most things in my life I do it for myself: that if something is to be done it should be done correctly and to the best of your ability. Problem is the line of my ability of what I can do and what I can't do is blurred.
Though this talk of art and us existing as a 'whole' just brings me to other ugly thoughts I have on the subject of art and elitism. Art is communication at it's heart, the language of the eye; yet there are people out there who only wish to talk in forms of high caliber; this ranges from artists to non-artists and both dishearten me. In fact I actually regret a bit coming across a shout given to an aspiring artist of the sentiment that he should stop drawing and he sucks; yet for me the idea was communicated. Sure it was poorly communicated, yes the person had a long way to go; but that's beside the point. If encouraged it could have grown into something more something better. My regret wasn't dropping a word of encouragement on the page because I did like the idea presented. That person might be a watching me, and might read this journal, and to you I say: "Keep drawing, your ideas are intriguing"
Course this leads me to being reminded of reading about an artist's rant in the past about posting 'good' art, and art that has effort put into it. While to that point I agree on to an extent, the whole of the rant was pretty much a thinly veiled "If your stuff is ugly, don't post it" point out that people should learn their anatomy, colouring, shading, and all the finer technicalities of the art-form that is image creation so his own eyes aren't sullied by the result. Me, I'm a different person, I don't look at art because of how pretty they are; I look at art because I'm intrigued by the message and the idea. My eyes aren't burned out of their eye sockets because of how horribly mal-proportioned or disfigured the subject is; that's just their limitations. It's hard to tell how much time people put into a piece, but the reality is that some people poor hours into an image that comes out far, far from perfect. I don't view being short of perfection as a reason for people to stop posting art, or to put salt into their wounds. (I'm sure most artists get frustrated at their inability to bring forth the image in their head to the page regardless of skill) I suppose my point is that I award points for creativity more than I would for clarity or elegance. An idea is an idea, artists will embrace and express them; it's the ideas I like first. I think few things hurt an artist more than people rejecting their ideas; cause the whole nitpicking of drawing ability most artists do that to themselves enough.
█ There's just too many dark things in this world, and I find myself struggling against it. There's some who simply drown in it, and others who embrace that darkness and joins the side of the world that makes the place less pleasant to live in. I'm just trying to tread the water, but it feels too often that my head is being dunked back in.
How insane is it that I have to stop caring so I can be more productive, so more people can end up enjoying what I do?
There's a conflict going on inside me between the side that wants to do all of this for fun, and the side of me that says do this for money; more money. I don't want what I do to be primarily for money with the fun as becoming secondary, yet I'm being more and more forced to embrace that. It feels like my values are being quartered and sold off simply so I can say to society "Here I can make it on my own, are you happy now? Of course not."
I wish I could subsist on good will alone, because the positive feed back I get from you all reminds me that life is ultimately to be enjoyed; and I truly do enjoy sharing. That I take money to do what I do I feel that goes against the grain of the spirit of why I do it. Yet I have to keep reminding myself over and over "It's okay, this is how the world works. One day the hammer is going to come down on you, might be sooner, might be later; but if you don't embrace the concept of charging money for your art now when it does come down you're going to be stuck doing something you hate probably for the rest of your life; because good will can't pay bills." Ultimately that final sentiment makes me sad, and a little sick.
A lot of my anxiety is stemming from trying to make this whole art thing work out as a living. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if my art is good enough. I don't know if my conscious can live with people paying me enough (on a frequent enough basis) for me to survive from. I don't know if I'm going to be screwed over by Pay Pal. I don't know if I can deal with people's lamentations for me charging too much. I don't know if I should be approaching this differently, or from a more aggressive stance (certainly all this personal lamenting isn't helping) I don't know if this is what I really want as opposed to simply it being the lesser of two evils. There's just too much uncertainty with little reassurance that it will be okay, and very little fun involved.
█ I suppose I feel a little better getting that off my chest one way or another. My apologies for the burden and emotional luggage, but I guess some of you are engaged in my psychological mechanizations outside my fetish stuff. It's unfortunate that this is typically a one way street because I don't have the time, energy, or motivation to follow the story of your own existence; I'm still one person. One person who dedicates a fair amount of time to whatever all this is. One person who is trying to live with himself trying to live with a system that he doesn't agree with.
Anyways going to try and finish up a picture tonight or tomorrow. If I don't get it done by tomorrow I'll probably be really disappointed with myself XP
ENERGY █████
COMMISSION INFO
• Comic Slot - Endium: Slave Ball - Rogue AI (17% complete)
████████████████████
█ Still trying to work, but currently difficult; just far too many unwanted distractions. Among them being that today is warmer than I'm comfortable with, and a fly that's buzzing around my room that's probably on the verge of dying (it's pretty much flying blindly into everything in my room, including myself), and the mosquitoes... I despise those bloodsuckers... I've been feeling tired all day, perhaps due to inconsistent sleep; but I have little control over when I wake up (which is always far too early). To top it off I'm probably suffering from hay fever with a runny nose and sneezing. Granted the physical inconveniences I can deal with; they aren't that big in the grand scheme of things in my life and probably won't be till I'm old and grey.
Mentally and Spiritually I feel a bit ill as well. There's no real justice in the world, and me trying to deal with the technicalities and possible ramifications of Pay Pal and me trying to secure some kind of living with my art has only reminded me of how shallow and selfish the world is. That I am not free to try to make a living off what I enjoy without the "screw you" hammer hanging over my head. Yeah there's other services, but they're set up to gouge out a significant portion of what one earns; which means either I absorb that increased cost, or pass it down to other people. It begs the question sometimes of why anyone aspires to be anything when you have so many people out there ready, waiting, and able to drag you down.
Unfortunately I'm not the kind of person who goes "Screw it, I'm going to do it without you" as a large part of my ascribes to the belief that the path people need to take is together; that doing anything on your own is ultimately a pointless endeavor because who cares? Or more over, if people do care they end up resenting you for having to be a jackass to get what you want. That an achievement is more meaningful when it's done together, and that those lesser can be given a hand so they can stand just as tall.
Yet that's the kind of person I need to push to be if I'm to survive in this world ultimately; that I need to exist in a state that is not my own: to step on my own values so I can fret less about them. This culture is sick... so very sick in that such a thing must happen. People can snuff out their virtues and morals for a buck, and do so without flinching or caring and call it "business as usual" and many people accept it that way.
I suppose I'm dissapointed in essentially what happens is if anyone ever cares to take something from me, that in most cases I am not allowed to push back; that instead I must take from other people, or rely on the charity of others. Yet, this is something that goes day in and day out for people; trapped in a system that takes and takes and no one is allowed to push or fight back.
It also doesn't help that I beat myself up on doing commissions; don't get me wrong I have fun with the majority of them, but sometimes they end up being troublesome or problematic for me because of the finer details. I view art as the communication of an idea, and to that effect I think I can do that well most times; but the quality is perhaps what I consider the 'elegance.' I try to make my stuff elegant, even if sometimes lazy. It's not that I fear my watchers opinions, or those of you reading this; I'm comfortable with that. The problem is that I have difficulty in pleasing myself; the only approval I've worked for is my own really. Maybe that's just something that's hardwired into me, I don't know; but most things in my life I do it for myself: that if something is to be done it should be done correctly and to the best of your ability. Problem is the line of my ability of what I can do and what I can't do is blurred.
Though this talk of art and us existing as a 'whole' just brings me to other ugly thoughts I have on the subject of art and elitism. Art is communication at it's heart, the language of the eye; yet there are people out there who only wish to talk in forms of high caliber; this ranges from artists to non-artists and both dishearten me. In fact I actually regret a bit coming across a shout given to an aspiring artist of the sentiment that he should stop drawing and he sucks; yet for me the idea was communicated. Sure it was poorly communicated, yes the person had a long way to go; but that's beside the point. If encouraged it could have grown into something more something better. My regret wasn't dropping a word of encouragement on the page because I did like the idea presented. That person might be a watching me, and might read this journal, and to you I say: "Keep drawing, your ideas are intriguing"
Course this leads me to being reminded of reading about an artist's rant in the past about posting 'good' art, and art that has effort put into it. While to that point I agree on to an extent, the whole of the rant was pretty much a thinly veiled "If your stuff is ugly, don't post it" point out that people should learn their anatomy, colouring, shading, and all the finer technicalities of the art-form that is image creation so his own eyes aren't sullied by the result. Me, I'm a different person, I don't look at art because of how pretty they are; I look at art because I'm intrigued by the message and the idea. My eyes aren't burned out of their eye sockets because of how horribly mal-proportioned or disfigured the subject is; that's just their limitations. It's hard to tell how much time people put into a piece, but the reality is that some people poor hours into an image that comes out far, far from perfect. I don't view being short of perfection as a reason for people to stop posting art, or to put salt into their wounds. (I'm sure most artists get frustrated at their inability to bring forth the image in their head to the page regardless of skill) I suppose my point is that I award points for creativity more than I would for clarity or elegance. An idea is an idea, artists will embrace and express them; it's the ideas I like first. I think few things hurt an artist more than people rejecting their ideas; cause the whole nitpicking of drawing ability most artists do that to themselves enough.
█ There's just too many dark things in this world, and I find myself struggling against it. There's some who simply drown in it, and others who embrace that darkness and joins the side of the world that makes the place less pleasant to live in. I'm just trying to tread the water, but it feels too often that my head is being dunked back in.
How insane is it that I have to stop caring so I can be more productive, so more people can end up enjoying what I do?
There's a conflict going on inside me between the side that wants to do all of this for fun, and the side of me that says do this for money; more money. I don't want what I do to be primarily for money with the fun as becoming secondary, yet I'm being more and more forced to embrace that. It feels like my values are being quartered and sold off simply so I can say to society "Here I can make it on my own, are you happy now? Of course not."
I wish I could subsist on good will alone, because the positive feed back I get from you all reminds me that life is ultimately to be enjoyed; and I truly do enjoy sharing. That I take money to do what I do I feel that goes against the grain of the spirit of why I do it. Yet I have to keep reminding myself over and over "It's okay, this is how the world works. One day the hammer is going to come down on you, might be sooner, might be later; but if you don't embrace the concept of charging money for your art now when it does come down you're going to be stuck doing something you hate probably for the rest of your life; because good will can't pay bills." Ultimately that final sentiment makes me sad, and a little sick.
A lot of my anxiety is stemming from trying to make this whole art thing work out as a living. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if my art is good enough. I don't know if my conscious can live with people paying me enough (on a frequent enough basis) for me to survive from. I don't know if I'm going to be screwed over by Pay Pal. I don't know if I can deal with people's lamentations for me charging too much. I don't know if I should be approaching this differently, or from a more aggressive stance (certainly all this personal lamenting isn't helping) I don't know if this is what I really want as opposed to simply it being the lesser of two evils. There's just too much uncertainty with little reassurance that it will be okay, and very little fun involved.
█ I suppose I feel a little better getting that off my chest one way or another. My apologies for the burden and emotional luggage, but I guess some of you are engaged in my psychological mechanizations outside my fetish stuff. It's unfortunate that this is typically a one way street because I don't have the time, energy, or motivation to follow the story of your own existence; I'm still one person. One person who dedicates a fair amount of time to whatever all this is. One person who is trying to live with himself trying to live with a system that he doesn't agree with.
Anyways going to try and finish up a picture tonight or tomorrow. If I don't get it done by tomorrow I'll probably be really disappointed with myself XP
But I dont get sick from it/turning it around & making it into mental fuel.
My .02
As for the paypal thing....unfortunately nothing is free. Especially internet related services. It cost money to operate a site to feature images, it costs money for services and costs money for the program which allows you to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Thats the cost of being an online artist. Shoot, it even cost money for if you were even a traditional artist selling art from your garage. Gotta buy those art supplies somewhere
Well....eh your statement to say "no ones allowed to push or fight back"....you mean in general, or just in your country? Im not sure the extremes of your countries policy of less freedoms of speech
I have had the experience of someone saying my art was crap too, that I could never improve........I think that was the result of his bitterness deriving from someone telling him he could never improve and that his art was crap. Some folks try to make themselves seem like they are better than others by placing themselves on the critic pedistool
And no reason to apologize on expressing your emotions or moments of reviewing your life and the lives of others. To me, its a reminder of the common thing most of us deal with.....just living, trying to get by....trying to find our purpose and satisfy our need to improve, excel, experience and that want for adventure.
1) get a can of Dr. Pepper. Pour it in a glass. Microwave that glass for 30-50 seconds, depending on how powerful your microwave is, and how cold the soda is. You should end up with a magical concoction that, for some reason, has physical and spiritual healing powers.
Alright, slightly exaggerated, but I'm serious about doing it. Just a glass of warm (Yet still carbonated) Dr. Pepper can do wonders. At the very least, I can almost promise that it will almost completely halt your hay Fever. It always works for me. IF you don't like Dr. Pepper and wanna try something else, go ahead, I personally have never tested it with something else.
2)
The world we live in is just a joke
cruel irony, mirrors and smoke.
happiness is just a dream
accomplish-able only by plots and schemes.
Yet live there still we all still choose
yet in our minds of our own design
Perception run rampant, our imagination to use
Fat, dumb and happy, like a Domestic Feline
Fantasy is reality, for reality is fantasy
Trials and tribulations of our own life
Pretending leading to true ecstasy
Is worrying about Reality worth the strife?
Uhh... Because I'm always self conscious about my own poetry... Reality sucks. Sometimes the world in your head is the world you should actually live in. Sure, paypal is giving you shit, but if it really comes to it, there will always be another way to keep doing what you love.
Never lose sight of your fantasy, and you will be able to live comfortably in reality.
Reality Sucks :/ But don't let Reality stop you from being happy.
that's what I was going for...
And don't blame yourself, it was an accident. We're furs after all :P
Well, maybe I'll try posting more poetry :3