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18 years ago
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another day, another night of screaming and crying myself to sleep. Its been over a week and I still call out to whatever deity will hear me to let me go back and change the outcome. my bed is cold. my house is silent. im afraid to listen to music, lest it remind me of him singing softly into my hair after ive woken from a nightmare.
I go back to work today, and i know i must reopen my commissions quickly before i run out of disposable income. but every day i must look at that empty bed and remind myself that hes never coming back. That im never going to wake up at 2 in the morning to the exhausted 'Tadima' as he throws his keys on the table and comes to snuggle his freezing ass against my belly. that i can bend over to grab something without the surprise butt humpz. that for the first time in over 4 years, i call out for him and noone answers...no one ever will.
ladies and gentlefur, i beseech thee. never make someone your everything. never take someone in as your world. because all it takes is a moment. a single bad decision in a single split second and your world will be gone forever.
If you have made someone your everything already, love him. love him like you may never see him again. when he gets home, pull him close and kiss him and tell him you missed him while he was gone. spend time with him. listen to him. never leave the house or go to bed mad at him. take the time to solve the issue first so that you can go to bed or work with 'i love you' on your breath. this way if the worst happens, you wont have so much to feel guilty about. there will be less 'what if' s.
but there will always be 'why' s.
for the first time in my life, i wish i could just go to bed and never wake up. i know such things are easily done, but i am too much of a coward to accomplish them myself. so I go about my life without care, wishing some truck would strike me down in the street and end this, knowing that it wont. people unconsciously become excellent drivers around depressed people. its like a disease.
i hate how quiet this house is. and it is a house, no longer a home. but every little sound reminds me of him that much more. so no tv. no radio. no music. i cant.
Ive always disliked this world.
Now I Hate it.
I cant wait till mankind destroys it and i get to watch it burn.
I go back to work today, and i know i must reopen my commissions quickly before i run out of disposable income. but every day i must look at that empty bed and remind myself that hes never coming back. That im never going to wake up at 2 in the morning to the exhausted 'Tadima' as he throws his keys on the table and comes to snuggle his freezing ass against my belly. that i can bend over to grab something without the surprise butt humpz. that for the first time in over 4 years, i call out for him and noone answers...no one ever will.
ladies and gentlefur, i beseech thee. never make someone your everything. never take someone in as your world. because all it takes is a moment. a single bad decision in a single split second and your world will be gone forever.
If you have made someone your everything already, love him. love him like you may never see him again. when he gets home, pull him close and kiss him and tell him you missed him while he was gone. spend time with him. listen to him. never leave the house or go to bed mad at him. take the time to solve the issue first so that you can go to bed or work with 'i love you' on your breath. this way if the worst happens, you wont have so much to feel guilty about. there will be less 'what if' s.
but there will always be 'why' s.
for the first time in my life, i wish i could just go to bed and never wake up. i know such things are easily done, but i am too much of a coward to accomplish them myself. so I go about my life without care, wishing some truck would strike me down in the street and end this, knowing that it wont. people unconsciously become excellent drivers around depressed people. its like a disease.
i hate how quiet this house is. and it is a house, no longer a home. but every little sound reminds me of him that much more. so no tv. no radio. no music. i cant.
Ive always disliked this world.
Now I Hate it.
I cant wait till mankind destroys it and i get to watch it burn.
I can't allow the changes to bring warfare. It's the reason why I need to make those changes.
But I still love and care about you.
I have my own plans. I intend to violate the universe with my mind. For that, I need the rest of the population as mental slave labor. Thus, I need to ensure they're free to pursue intelligence, instead of working in warehouses or fields.
What does THAT mean?
Peace be with you Aemi. It might feel impossible now, but I reakon later on your gonna be alright