Well, I tend to mix a couple quotes... 'Be the best you can be' with 'Be yourself'.

So I'm the best myself I can be. I improve my bad points the best I can and try to be overall a better person.
If I fail?
'Try again. Fail again. Fail better.'
Just love the idea behind that one.

It's all the same thing. I order to be the best you can be, you have to accept that you can only be yourself to do that. In order to be yourself, you have to accept and be happy with yourself for who you are at this moment. Not saying you can't keep working on yourself. That's always gonna be expected. But I feel that only works once you're comfortable with yourself as a whole. Which I'm not.

Nobody really ever "changes" they just put up a facade or obscure the original vision that was "them-self" with some type of fancy looking glass

Nah. People change. It's something that's inevitable. You're not the same person you were when you were 5, 10, 15...why would you be the same person now when you're 30, 45, 60?

Sometimes you change because you want to. Sometimes you do it because you need to. People put up facades all the time too. Like you're not the same person you are around your friends as you are around co-workers as you are around your boss. But usually those are temporary for most people.

Sounds like to me you need a friend to drag you through all sorts of shit you're going to regret. Then you'll look back. And you'll laugh at it, realizing it wasn't so bad after all. Not necessarily changing yourself, but be put through situations that change you bit by bit and you don't even realize it yet.

Heck, I need to do this more myself. LIVE IT UP!

Well part one of that would be this whole internship experience I'm on that I was forced into doing. While I realize the internship itself isn't that bad, it's the time spent alone that bothers me more than anything. Mostly 'cause I just hate being/feeling alone and I don't know what I'm supposed to get out of it yet.

Well that's good and relate-able at least! For alone time, you should try to find things outside to do. Even if it's alone. Reading books at the park or coffee shops. Sitting and drawing out and about. Just taking long walks. I'm very lonesome right now, new state, not knowing anyone else.. Man I wish I could take my own advice, it's just way to hot and humid here to sit at the park reading or drawing. Siiiigh.

I haven't gone outside that much unless I plan on doing something like going to a movie or out to eat or whatever. Otherwise I kinda just sit at this desk which gets...very boring. I should just go outside more even if it's to do what I can do sitting at a desk. At least it's getting out. Sorta...

One lil step at a time!

"be yourself" to me is more a replacement for "don't be nervous" since that tends to be the context of those words more often than not

People should say that instead then. "Be yourself" is a completely different thing than "don't be nervous".

I'm sure you'll manage. It's only for a few months right? and when you feel lonesome, you can talk to ppl online or me or sommin *pokes fingers together* since you sort of live near around I do wherever that is :)

I tend to disagree with you.
"It's not really a great message all the time though. In order for me to be happy with myself I have to accept that I'm this cynical, pessimistic screw-up just waiting to die. And I have to be happy with that."
The way you word that makes a very good point.. BUT, I still disagree;

We all have flaws. Everyone on this earth.. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
Take me, for example.
I'm manipulative. I'm pretty goddamn selfish. Plus, I'm weird as hell.
But you know what?
It's stupid to waste my short life hating myself. I wasted WAY too much of my time feeling worthless before. So I've learned to love myself, as least as much as I can.

If you ask me, "Be yourself" means BOTH of the two things you suggested.
Be happy with who you are, and seriously.. don't care about what other people think.
I've decided that if I want to wear a tutu to school, I am going to go right ahead.
if I want to put a tattoo of a dinosaur on my goddamn face, I'm going to do that, too.
I'm not going to hold back from doing the things I like and WANT to do just because of how other people will react.

and the thing is, the people that truly matter won't care when you just be yourself.
those assholes that judge you? yeah, they don't matter. why should you hold back from being yourself for someone who doesn't truly care about you for WHO YOU ARE?
I've found that ever since I stopped giving a damn about what others think, I've been a LOT happier. I've made friends with people who I get along with a hell of a lot better because they're quite similar to me.. and yet we would have never noticed each other if I had been hiding away under a mask of "normalcy", trying so hard not to be judged.

and about the flaws.
again, we all have them.
and AGAIN, the people that truly matter will see past your flaws and enjoy your positive attributes.
plus, you can always try to improve your flaws.. work on them. I'm a HUUUUGE asshole by nature, and I'm very vocal about my opinions on people.. so as you can imagine, this has resulted in me hurting a lot of feelings. However it's something I've worked on a lot, and I'm not nearly as bad now. It's not about CHANGING who you are, it's about learning when it's appropriate to completely "be yourself", and when it's time to hold back a bit. Especially when you're as big of a bitch as I am. =__=;

but yeah. what I'm trying to say is,
you really should be yourself.
It's solid advice.
I mean sure, not 100% of the time, like I mentioned with the improving your flaws thing.
But most of the time.. yes. be yourself.
If you do, you will meet a lot of like-minded people, and then it won't seem as big of a deal anymore.


god damn that's a long comment =_=; sorry.

I just see myself as a huge flaw though. Like...there's more to change than would stay the same. Sure...interests would possibly stay the same. I wouldn't give up liking certain things 'cause I think it would make me more likable. Then I'd have to give up my friends...that would be stupid. But figuring out how to go from being a cynical, pessimistic, shy, quiet, self-loathing, wallflower sort to being outgoing, outspoken self-tolerating, optimistic person really does require a full on change of myself in its entirety. I figure doing that's the only way I'm every gonna accomplish anything in life and if I can't do that, then I'm pretty much just wasting my time.

And I want to not care how other people will react...but you kind of have to. Especially once you have to break into the "real"/professional world. Showing up at a job with a dinosaur tattoo on your face might be a surefire way of not getting a job even if you had better qualifications than your competition. But then people tell you that you should "be yourself" and you should be fine getting interviews. What I'm sure they mean now is that you should be confident and not nervous. Which is what people should tell you instead of the "be yourself" line. If you could get through all of life without caring what people think, that would be amazing. I just don't think that's a real possibility though. If so, I wanna know how.

Besides...I have no idea who "I" am anyways. Aside from a cynical, pessimistic, self-loathing, wallflower. Because if that's all there is then that's just...really depressing.

RE: the professional world-- the professional world isn't the one you hang out in all the time. Furthermore, if you have to be a fake person, instead of doing what makes you happy, your job will quickly stifle you. YOU'll have a mid-life crisis and end up ultimately going for what makes you happy. Again. :p

I'll tackle everything else soon.

Well not yet. I'm still in the college world. Give it until after this next semester's over with and then I'll be going into the professional world.

I have no idea what makes me happy anymore anyways. Sooo...either way I'll probably end up having some sort of a midlife crisis. *shrug*

It sounds like you're passing "I have no idea what makes me happy anymore" as an excuse.

It's a symptom of a problem you have to fix, not a reason to maintain the status quo, right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEitrZU-nCw

*chirp*

I need to say many things,and I will try to keep them as simple as possible.

However, I doubt I succeeded.
I worked really hard to write this. I hope that it has as much value and inspiration as the effort I put into it.

One:
Your reasons and arguments that defeat/down-talk yourself are the enemy you must fight in the first place.

Consider for a second that you may like puppies.
Imagine that puppies fill your mind from when you wake up and until you sleep.

Now, imagine that somebody you trust and value the opinion of tells you that puppies are disgusting, and anybody who likes them is a terrible person. Imagine that when you ask this person a good possible point on the value of puppies, he comes up with a reason why your point is wrong, and furthermore, stupid. He begins to work himself into your mind so that whenever you think of a good idea, you don't breathe a word for fear that this friend will snap down on you.

And because of that, you still think of puppies, but never tell anyone or act upon it.

Every day you'd walk past a pet store, or a training school, or TVs showing a dog show, sighing and holding this puppy-love in.

And because this person's opinion mattered to you so much, you don't ever act upon what makes you happy.

Now, imagine the person who said that terrible thing was you.
You are your own worst critic. In fact, you may have originally been friendlier to yourself. It's likely many people in your life began creating an 'inner critic' for you-- one who'd take care of their "emotionally beat-down-Sombra" job while they were absent in your life. People who were so fearsome that the last thing you wanted to do was upset them.

So, it's quite possible that all this fear and down-talk you give yourself is something you've adopted out of fear, or even repetition by people you knew.

If you're going to change yourself, you must challenge all of the assumptions you've made about yourself. BELIEVING THEM HAS GOTTEN YOU TO WHERE YOU ARE TODAY-- UNHAPPY.

ARE You truly shy? DO you want to be happy? IS your shyness out of fear? ARE you really a screw up? DO my words make more sense if you start wiggling around in your perceptions? Is there meat to these words?



Being Yourself means you attract people who approve of what you do[/u]

Imagine in the previous example that you gave up this trusted friend, because her (since she's you) words had frightened you into giving up something you loved. Imagine you gave up this friend because she never respected the 'shades of grey' in life by making a vitriolic stereotype about puppy-lovers.

Imagine that you gave up the trusted friend and began embracing your love for puppies.

So you begin working at a dog shelter. You begin supporting donation drives with the local pet stores. You begin talking to pet owners and drive local donations towards the shelter.

[b]In all this, people see your passion for puppies. They see the care that drove you to this in the first place. Those who are moved by this begin to appreciate you and trust you with friendship opportunities.

In all this, people who are irritated by their own prejudices and assumptions get pissed at you. (maybe puppy-haters?). Because you gave up the old 'friend', you realize that trying to garner the favor of these people is fruitless. It's fruitless because they are already reacting to you based on their presumptions of puppies, and not you.

Now, imagine in the above example, the love isn't for puppies-- it's a love for women's rights. Imagine it's possibly even a love for tattoo artistry. All of a sudden, puppies seems racier, and anger/prejudice towards them seems more likely.

But more importantly, imagine the love for puppies is actually a love for yourself, and what you enjoy doing..

Coda:
The only mind/soul around that's willing to believe in the body and mind you inhabit.. is you. If you're lucky, you already have friends and family who care more about you than prejudices.
And, if you continue to believe in yourself and your potential and value, you will find others who agree with it. You'll also find others who will spurn and scorn you-- but these people would not be pleased if you tried to please them, either.
However, the above is a self-regulating system. If you do what makes you happy and are willing to frustrate/let go of the people who hate what you do, you will be kicking the bad people out of your life and finding the good ones.

This applies everywhere, even in the workplace. (The best you can do is hope that coworkers can handle your respect, OR that you hire your company's employees in line with your values.)




Next Steps

No metaphorical story here.

My suggestions for getting ahead of the game is to do the first thing: forgive yourself.

The longer you hold onto these perceptions of yourself, the longer they can remain applicable to define and constrain you.

So, forgive yourself.

Next, Begin taking the above re-assessment in your mind when you talk to yourself, or when you begin reacting the ways you did.
That means that when[/b[ you manage to shake the bars of the cage that contain you (EG: "I'm ugly", "I"m shy", "I"m a failure"), begin shoving harder. Shove harder whenever you talk about yourself.

EG:
"Sorry if I seem a bit awkward. I used to be really shy and awkward, but I'm climbing my way out of it."
"I can make mistakes, but who doesn't? Forgive me, and the next thing I work on will have less mistakes. I'm sad but accepting that I made a mistake."


One final note. People are [b]very, very versatile creatures. We always have tools to help ourselves out.
Create a tool that you can use to help you climb out of this self-deprecating hole.

A bracelet to commemorate your decision?
A bow around your finger?
A daily affirmation?
Wrapping yourself in blankets, then emerging from them to music as if they represented a metaphorical emerging from a cocoon?

Decide a ritual or tool that has some emotional feeling for you, and use it to affirm you've made the decision to forgive and be human.

Okay, so I completely waited too long to answer this but let me see what I can do...

First I do have to say I disagree with your definition of "being yourself". Being yourself means exactly what those words mean. It doesn't mean that you attract people who appreciate what you do. It just means that you will be comfortable in your skin, liking what you like, and doing what you do. But most importantly being comfortable in your skin.

I understand everything you said. I suppose the only thing I can do is just answer those questions for myself...

Everything I do is pretty much a reaction to fear. Being shy is a reaction of a fear of being judged or standing out in a crowd. When I was little I didn't really believe there was any reason that people could hate me. But of course being some naive little kid, I didn't understand how the world really works. And then I learned that people could just hate you for no reason. Or that the slightest thing could make people dislike you. Being quiet and keeping to small groups of like minded people is easier for me to cope with than to put myself out there. But the irony is that I do want to stand out. I just don't know how to and I'm a bit afraid to. I stay the way I do because it's easy and doesn't require me to change so much. Because it's what I know. It's what's comfortable. I don't like it but I just deal with it.

"Forgive yourself" is generic advise that everyone gives. I have no idea how to do it though. Forgiving other people is easy. It's something that always comes naturally to me. I don't hold on to animosity with other people for too long. But with me...I just can't seem to forget or fully forgive myself for whatever my mistakes are. I can accept that I make mistakes. I can't accept that I make so many of them. Or that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

I can't come up with any sort of tool that I could think would be meaningful for me.

I hope to sound as respectful as I can. It's not very cool for me to reply in public. If you'd like me to reply privately, just let me know.

Moving on---

Calling something "Generic advice" is just what got you into this situation. (EG: "Being yourself.") It feels like calling it "Generic advice" is a way to marginalize an important concept. Saying you 'can't, or "Don't understand" is the same preconception that has kept you as-is. Like I said-- the first thing you have to do is challenge those. Furthermore, I dare say that you fail at "being yourself" because your definition sucks. B) <3

While the concept itself may be too deep for you to grasp in a simple one-liner, the desired concept could also be simple. So, it'd be a simple idea that you are expecting a deeper realization from. However, even if it's a saying you hear often, what was originally intended remains meaningful. Maybe look less at the words, and more upon your responsibility to truly understand all possible interpretations.

When it comes to "Forgiving yourself", you already highlight the "simple concept expressed simply" problem. You act as if forgiving yourself was completely different from forgiving a normal person. It's not something difficult to do, it's just saying, "Self, all your debts are nulled." and feeling it.

So, there's the big problem. I suggest you figure out why you can't be forgiven like any other person, with the intent of giving up being harsh on yourself. Maybe you had some big abuse from a parent as a kid, or something similar.. Maybe you need someone to trust who can help you put aside your preconceptions. (Psychiatrist? Hypnotist?)

There is a TED Talk that may light some lightbulbs. I'd explain it more, but her presentation explains it better.

Good luck.

Well I already know I fail at "being myself". XD

I'm sure I know why I can't forgive myself like I can any other person. For the longest time I sorta felt like maybe I was being punished for something or maybe I needed to. Negative things stand out to me more than positive ones. I always remember them more than positive things that happen to me. While I don't quite understand why it is I feel like I've always done something wrong (even when I really haven't). I've gone to a therapist. I just didn't bring myself to really talk about my problems. Maybe going to a hypnotist...I wouldn't mind going to one to try it out.

I had a feeling that TED talk was going to be hers. I've seen that one twice already.

I've sent you a note, because at my reply, there's no way I want to say this in public.

I've changed myself pretty significantly in the last few years, partly under the influence of a friend, mostly because I wanted to. I have become more outgoing, I interact in large gatherings instead of shrinking into a corner by myself, I overcame depression by sheer willpower because drugs weren't working, I quit a second job when I realized it was never going to give me what I wanted out of it which was converting "foot in the door" to "fully in the door" and was sucking too much of my time and energy away, I got a stable boyfriend for keeps, I have lost 85 pounds and counting and I'm teaching myself to draw. Through it I have kept my core personality intact which is as a friendly, cute, intelligent submissive, but all of that is amplified now because I have self confidence and I am outgoing, and so I have found I have more "magnetism" with other people as a result.

All of this started, shy and timid, forcing myself to go to local furmeets. :3

So yeah, I'm ultimately agreeing with you: "Be yourself" is frequently bad advice. I tried being myself and I was unhappy and unhealthy. So I redefined what it meant to be myself, and I'm liking me a lot better. It's doable, it's not even necessarily painful, it just takes time.