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Status, Old Stuff, and "Experts"
14 years ago
HEALTH █████
ENERGY █████ Depression
█ Depressed again. Though it's nothing to be worried about, I've lived with depression for around half of my life, and I've been trapped in the cycle since junior high. My brain has essentially been wired to have the following pattern: Depression for nine months, and relative happiness for three. It's hard to feel happy when one has to spend 75% of one's life dreading getting out bed, and making the long march to a place in where you spend eight hours a day in fear, loneliness, emptiness, and pain. I never really connected with anyone really at school, I only had one good friend in high school. Though once he started going to college we drifted apart as he smoked weed and started hanging around with people more his speed. He put his life together in the end, but the only real connection we had was that we were both social outcasts. His escapism was smoking and weed, I didn't have one. Though that was how it went for six long years that felt like an eternity. So even outside of high school I still experience cycles of deep depression and relative happiness. They are now of varying durations, but I don't think I've ever been able to sustain being happy for more than half a year.
I'm not sure if I'll ever truly ever be able to not feel alone. Yeah I have friends today, more than I've ever had in previous periods of my life; yet my feelings are always my own, and I know that my feelings can be dangerous. They are dangerous because of my ability to express myself that comes across more pointed and harder than most everyone else I've personally encountered. They are dangerous because most times I have a better read on the other person I interact with than they do me. So I always have to restrain myself on some level, especially when I get negative, but I'm not always good at that. I get my moments of weaknesses for whatever reason; main one that I simply get tired.
These kind of feelings I even apply to the stuff I do here on FA, as I basically do readings on the general feeling of those of you who watch my stuff. Which is to say yes I do restrain myself on some of the things I draw. Essentially I have some understanding of why people draw certain things (I've seen a lot of the very off stuff) and my reactions aren't "OMG gross, what is wrong with that artist?" but rather "Not really my thing." I try not to be judgmental, but a lot of people unfortunately are.
I think most people have a good grasp at what another person's reaction is going to be if they do something. The problem is that most people don't give any thought to their own actions. I always try to give some thought to my own actions. Main reason why I said early on in this journal "not to worry" because some people will worry, and that's a kind sentiment for those who do worry; world would be a better place if more people had that reaction as opposed to "Suck it up you pussy" I didn't address the later likely sentiment because if you're watching me, then you'd rather see me happy (unless I ended up putting you off via a previous journal which is entirely possible)
Though all this rambling is part of the reason why I tend to feel alone; because this is the kind of stuff that goes on in my head. That's the amount of thinking I tend to do in most situations, but in the end I feel shafted and alone at times because people don't often display that kind of depth of thought when it relates to me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm 'unpredictable' or if I'm a hard person to read, but in general on emotional and personal levels I just tend to feel isolated.
█ Old stuff that might be of interest to my watchers:
Early version of Endium This isn't the first picture of Endium, but it is one of the earlier ones. The design of the plates that cover his head and spine keep changing, mostly because I never found a design I quite liked till a bit before I joined FA.
My First? Dragon Bondage picture. This *might* be the first time I drew a bondage type scene which was draw in 01. I'm pretty sure it was earlier than my "Graveyard Shift Madness" scribbles which occurred in 03 or 04.
█ Watched a documentary on "Experts" today. Here's the short and sweet of it: Experts are not experts. If you flip a coin you have a better chance of being right than every proclaimed expert out there. That's right, by the sheer act of flipping a coin, you will be more right than an expert.
In fact, the more sure of themselves an expert is, the more wrong they are likely to be. All being an 'expert' is in today's society and culture is this: Usage of the words "Always", "Never", and any other absolute terms.
So beware any expert who proclaims they "know" and are "100% sure" of themselves, they aren't selling you expertise, they are selling you their opinion. Opinions which are wrong more than 50% of the time and can approach to being wrong nearly 100% of the time.
The reason why this is that most experts have next to no actual experience or knowledge of the field they profess to have expertise in. A house inspector may have built zero houses. A nutritionist may know absolutely nothing about human metabolism. Economic experts have no clue how the stock market works. It just goes on and on.
Essentially the true experts in any given field you can name, are the ones who express some level of doubt and uncertainty. Though please do not confuse "experts" with "scientists" Cause the best example I can think of is comparing an "Expert on Climate" with a "Climate Scientist" one is full of bullshit, the other actually has real knowledge. It's like asking a weatherman to explain global warming (it's global warming, screw the global climate change euphemism), as opposed to the climate scientist.
It's just unfortunate that society as a whole has given the act of thinking over to all the 'experts' who get things wrong the majority of time. No wonder everything is such a mess.
ENERGY █████ Depression
█ Depressed again. Though it's nothing to be worried about, I've lived with depression for around half of my life, and I've been trapped in the cycle since junior high. My brain has essentially been wired to have the following pattern: Depression for nine months, and relative happiness for three. It's hard to feel happy when one has to spend 75% of one's life dreading getting out bed, and making the long march to a place in where you spend eight hours a day in fear, loneliness, emptiness, and pain. I never really connected with anyone really at school, I only had one good friend in high school. Though once he started going to college we drifted apart as he smoked weed and started hanging around with people more his speed. He put his life together in the end, but the only real connection we had was that we were both social outcasts. His escapism was smoking and weed, I didn't have one. Though that was how it went for six long years that felt like an eternity. So even outside of high school I still experience cycles of deep depression and relative happiness. They are now of varying durations, but I don't think I've ever been able to sustain being happy for more than half a year.
I'm not sure if I'll ever truly ever be able to not feel alone. Yeah I have friends today, more than I've ever had in previous periods of my life; yet my feelings are always my own, and I know that my feelings can be dangerous. They are dangerous because of my ability to express myself that comes across more pointed and harder than most everyone else I've personally encountered. They are dangerous because most times I have a better read on the other person I interact with than they do me. So I always have to restrain myself on some level, especially when I get negative, but I'm not always good at that. I get my moments of weaknesses for whatever reason; main one that I simply get tired.
These kind of feelings I even apply to the stuff I do here on FA, as I basically do readings on the general feeling of those of you who watch my stuff. Which is to say yes I do restrain myself on some of the things I draw. Essentially I have some understanding of why people draw certain things (I've seen a lot of the very off stuff) and my reactions aren't "OMG gross, what is wrong with that artist?" but rather "Not really my thing." I try not to be judgmental, but a lot of people unfortunately are.
I think most people have a good grasp at what another person's reaction is going to be if they do something. The problem is that most people don't give any thought to their own actions. I always try to give some thought to my own actions. Main reason why I said early on in this journal "not to worry" because some people will worry, and that's a kind sentiment for those who do worry; world would be a better place if more people had that reaction as opposed to "Suck it up you pussy" I didn't address the later likely sentiment because if you're watching me, then you'd rather see me happy (unless I ended up putting you off via a previous journal which is entirely possible)
Though all this rambling is part of the reason why I tend to feel alone; because this is the kind of stuff that goes on in my head. That's the amount of thinking I tend to do in most situations, but in the end I feel shafted and alone at times because people don't often display that kind of depth of thought when it relates to me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm 'unpredictable' or if I'm a hard person to read, but in general on emotional and personal levels I just tend to feel isolated.
█ Old stuff that might be of interest to my watchers:
Early version of Endium This isn't the first picture of Endium, but it is one of the earlier ones. The design of the plates that cover his head and spine keep changing, mostly because I never found a design I quite liked till a bit before I joined FA.
My First? Dragon Bondage picture. This *might* be the first time I drew a bondage type scene which was draw in 01. I'm pretty sure it was earlier than my "Graveyard Shift Madness" scribbles which occurred in 03 or 04.
█ Watched a documentary on "Experts" today. Here's the short and sweet of it: Experts are not experts. If you flip a coin you have a better chance of being right than every proclaimed expert out there. That's right, by the sheer act of flipping a coin, you will be more right than an expert.
In fact, the more sure of themselves an expert is, the more wrong they are likely to be. All being an 'expert' is in today's society and culture is this: Usage of the words "Always", "Never", and any other absolute terms.
So beware any expert who proclaims they "know" and are "100% sure" of themselves, they aren't selling you expertise, they are selling you their opinion. Opinions which are wrong more than 50% of the time and can approach to being wrong nearly 100% of the time.
The reason why this is that most experts have next to no actual experience or knowledge of the field they profess to have expertise in. A house inspector may have built zero houses. A nutritionist may know absolutely nothing about human metabolism. Economic experts have no clue how the stock market works. It just goes on and on.
Essentially the true experts in any given field you can name, are the ones who express some level of doubt and uncertainty. Though please do not confuse "experts" with "scientists" Cause the best example I can think of is comparing an "Expert on Climate" with a "Climate Scientist" one is full of bullshit, the other actually has real knowledge. It's like asking a weatherman to explain global warming (it's global warming, screw the global climate change euphemism), as opposed to the climate scientist.
It's just unfortunate that society as a whole has given the act of thinking over to all the 'experts' who get things wrong the majority of time. No wonder everything is such a mess.
Related: Can you give more examples of the experts you talk about? I can understand any expert that has to do with a form of art, but some can know what they're talking about.
Almost all the expert wine tasters could not say that the cheaper wine was 'worse' than the expensive one when the bottles were switched. Nor could they tell that a red wine was a white wine with food coloring in it. The people who could tell the difference were non-experts. One person who said the cheaper wine tasted better (which was the expensive one switched) even got 'corrected' by the expert sitting next to her.
As far as the experts on artists were concerned, the documentary was having a forger detail how he did amateurish copies of well known artists and museums accepted them as if they were real. He created some 200 forgeries that were all accepted by museums as originals. None of the so-called experts were able to determine that they were fake.
The documentary highlighted that a study done on 'experts' for the past few decades revealed that with all the tens of thousands of predictions that experts had made; the majority of them were wrong; and that a monkey throwing darts would have a better chance of being correct than the experts.
And as for wine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSMs77v2oNk
On the other hand, the people at college who got the most praise, awards and people asking for advice were people who could talk smart, even if it make no sense. It's all about sounding good, rather than sound advice.
There is a saying along the line wisdom is knowing that you dont know anything.
Anyway, the reason for this comment. What you describe sounds exactly like the above average effect. If you've never heard of it before, it's worth reading about. Basicly, dumb people have a tendacy to over estimate how easy stuff is, whereas people who have skill and knowledge tend to under estimate their own skills.
As for experts: Keep in mind that film is by a bunch of self-proclaimed experts on experts, and their way of selling what they have is to paint things as a black-and-white world where everything fits into their thesis... Kind of the very problem that they're complaining about. Real experts exist, and I hire them frequently. You have to learn how to detect someone who knows what they're talking about (I look to see where the limits of their knowledge is, and more importantly, that they're AWARE of their limits and can acknowledge them), versus the charlatans. Anyway, keep your critical thinking skills engaged when thinking about the film.
As far as the experts thing...I always take everything with a grain of salt and like to do my own research on things that others claim they are experts about. Certainly take what they say and keep it for later, but until all doubt can be removed, then as you said it is most certainly not 100% fact.
But you have usssssssss! :D
Enduim, have you been tested for bipolar syndrome? That pattern is just like the effects of bipolarism, depressed for a very long time, typically 9-10 months, happy for a very short time, typically 2 to 3 months.
Anyways, words from the wise that is not me, any sort of patterned mental and physical problems is always a very bad thing and should get checked immediately. I learned that the hard way with antibiotics and a root canal.
Wisdom is knowing not to touch the center rail.
Experience is knowing not to walk down the stairs.
as for the depression, i can agree that it thoroughly is a rough thing to go through especially when it comes to such a very long time. when it comes to be being depressed for me its full on emo cloud around me but i try to push it away since well in my own mind i say " what good is this doing " though really not feeling it since it would make anyone else i know just more depressed. but for me talking to others helps me greatly though i do not bring up anything unless i truely and falling down the rabbit hole alone i ask for bits of help. since no one can truely fully help but at least an out stretched arm and hand will help you pull yourself up better then the back of someones head.
and i admire your tact on situations because well as you state not very often people do and that does rise my happiness bar just a little bit more every day * hugs tightly* Be Well Endium ( random demolition man quote weee)
So if you can flip a coin to answer advanced mathematical problems better than an expert;
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/30270697/sh.....ulation1au.png
I just randomly made this cause I was bored and it helped distract me from my depression. I'll go calculate the answer now and wait a while before I add it in to see if someone else gets it.
As far as what you said about having to watch what you say to individuals as to not hurt them... Well I don't know that I agree with this entirely. I believe in honesty, even if it hard for someone to hear what I have to say i feel that if it something that needs to be said then I think it should be said. I don't believe in sugar coated what I say, but then again I am not the judging kind but if someone ask me my opinion I will give it to them. So with that said I do think that everyone should be treated respectfully so you can give your opinion and express yourself without using demeaning or verbal harsh tones. For instance, in your example about some art that you have seen, It is your opinion to think that something is completely jack up, but it is there right to draw it, and therefore you have a choice to continue to watch that artist, or to stop because you do not like what they draw.
Back to your thoughts of depression... I believe that as long as you are a open person that you will find what you need to be happy even if it takes a long time it will happen. You just have to have faith no matter how depressed you feel. I know this is easyier said than done, I have to remind myself of this often and so to keep my mind off my bad thoughts I spend my time time trying my hardest to help others, and to be a caring person. If your depression is most deeper than that they do have antidepressants but I would use this as a last resort. Many doctor over prescribe these drugs when the majority of people do not need them.
Now to the documentary on experts... I agree with you 100% is it very sad that society puts so much faith in these so called experts. The moment that someone say or thinks that they are an expert on something is the moment the quit learning about the topic, and one should never quit learning. There is always more to learn, or discover.
What saddens me about society is the fact that these so called experts can get away with what they say. That there are so many people who just don't think for themselves but rely on someone else to do the thinking for them. The reason why you can read most people so easily and they can't you, is because you know who you are. YOU think for yourself, and continue to gain knowledge. So many people don't even know who they are, they are so use to letting someone else think for them that they don't even know what or how they really feel. And because they don't know who they are they don't really take the time to really get to know someone else. They already have their prejudgements and stereotypes that someone else told them to think before even talking to people.
Being an open person has been dangerous to my emotional health and stability, because I end up putting a lot of trust in people to do the right thing: To set aside their own needs for one moment and just consider the feelings if the people around then, but they don't. That when push comes to shove, that when a test of character comes around the corner, all I ever see is selfishness, absolutely and completely. That what matters to them is that they are right above all else, take no blame, and it's everyone fault but their own. I'm always at a disadvantage because I admit to my faults, and that simply serves as an excuse to take all the blame.
Have you looked into Seasonal Affective Disorder and tried Lightboxing?
It's pretty much emotional association with every day activities. What comes directly to my mind currently is the story I heard of how gay camps treat gay people: Inducing intense pain or discomfort whenever presented with homosexual situations. The person I watched basically was conditioned to the point in where he would scream if any male touched him, including his own father (his parents disowned him in the end because he remained gay) What I experience is a bit more subtle, as I ended up pretty much conditioned to be depressed. There was very little I looked forward to in life, and changing that pattern of thinking isn't easy.
selfish founder. i was cast away called a schizophreniac with maniacal sadness and all.
now i just backed away from that and learned a lesson to recognize selfish people...
really lost my trust in some of my friends for that. there were 2 people that supported me,
however. i stepped up and went into an on-hold state. and currently thinking of stepping up
for this.
I agree on the art thing. If its something I am obviously not into I just say "thats not my thing" and delete the submission....though if the artists just seems to be drawing it again and again and AGAIN and it seems that it just wont stop, then I might unwatch <^.^'> .
Seems you have come along way with your character design. Looking better than ever....so far!
Endium people change I knew quite a few people that I had no desire to every see after high school. But because I had a Facebook acct to keep in touch with a few close friend that lived in my home town some found me. I was very surprised by some of them that had contacted me and learned that many of them have grown up to be decent people. There are a few that I have often wondered how they have manged to make it in this world considering they are no more educated now than they were back then. But for many of them they are better people now than they were in there adolescent life.