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The changes in my life. I need everyone to read.
14 years ago
PEACE GO WITH YOU!!
Enjoy seeing my suit? More of it at:
scars-windblade
Please go to my gofundme:
https://gofund.me/c2a3e4d6
Start of Journal
scars-windbladeI want to warn everyone first. This journal will offend people. IT will make people angry, and I expect find people unwatching me.
But I want to make it clear that I'm not going to say a single name. Cause I don't want a person to know who I'm saying cause there are a lot.. A LOT of people who are doing what I'm going to say to me. Also I'm going to delete comments, igonre notes, and any page shouts of people going: Are you talking about me. I will not put up with that.
The point of this journal is to help me. Cause I need the help... And the only way to help myself is to make people see what I'm feeling. So please.. READ all of waht I'm going to say.
Lately in life I've been having alot of problems with my mental well being. And so I'm having to watch out for myself. I need to see if people will undertand and listen to me for once.
For nearly 3 years I've been asking for help. Normally journals, and a picture or two. It should say something when someone has a set of pictures made for themselve about migraines. Now the problem I'm having is that for well over a year now I've simply asking for people to help me. I live off donations, and I hardly don't expect anyone to donate. But what I ask for more is journals. And untill Yesterday when I had a massive freak out and sent out a few texts. I Think that scared a few people. They went and posted afew journals.
But I don't think it should take me in bed crying my eyes out from freaking pain to make people post a SIMPLE journal. The reason I'm hitting so hard on this is for a fact that I've been given so many excuses:
Your not worth the time or space on my journals.
I don't want to waste the space on you; Cause I need it for myself more then you
What kind of crap is that? I am only asking for nothing more then maybe 3 minutes of your time goin: Please help this dude out [link to journal].
Now that tells me so much bullshit about the world. I Have as I quoted above 820 watches. And ONly... so far... 3 people have shown me journals. So... 817 people can't be bothered. Thank you for the loving care. All 817 of you.
**** I have nearly over 1000 Journals posted a day. I've given up on journal reading cause of that huge number. Its so much easier if you SHOW me if you've posted something instead of having me hunt it down myself.
I know a few of you have noted me and said your willing... That matters to me, but I need to get this out. Why I'm just saying this.
Now for another part of my life that must change!!!
I keep and continue getting hurt almost every day by a good number of people in my life. A lot of people. Use me. They use me for so many things.
I'm sick of being peoples beatting post. I have nearly 500 people on IMs who I hardly know. Know why I hardly know them Casue there was one time they used me to fix their problem. And never talk to me again.
They come to me, and tell me their problems, and instead of saying thank you, or getting to know me. Leave me there hanging. I honestly should start charging people to help with their own problems. I get bogged down with there problems that I never have the chance to say my own.
Then comes the people who do this to me nearly religously. I see them maybe 3 to 5 times a week, and all tehy do is complain, bitch, and then want me to give them answers. There are many types of these people. The one I have blocked, deleted, and unwatched recently....
Would show up at the end of the night, Dump all there problems on me. Let me try and comofort them, and just goto bed before I could do anything else. No matter how many times I Tried to get to know this person better. They would dissappear before anything felt bettered. So I just couldn't handle it. I was forced to take this action.
I don't want this to happen to me. EVER again. I will help you with your problems. I will do my best to make you feel better... But I need help in return, or some sign of apprecaition.
Then there is another group of people who only use me for one thing: Sex.... All that happens is I try and talk to them or them to me.... And it turns into RP about sex.
I'm a very very sexual person. I won't deny that. But I can't be seen as just a sex object. That is why for almost 2 years now I've only appeared off line. And with me stating this. I will be cleaning out MY entire friends list with the exception of a few people. If you are going ot want to talk to me. Then talk to me. Don't jump my shit expecting me to RP with you with just sex. If you can't understand this. Then please remove me from your IMs. I don't need to be your personal dildo.
If I want to rp. Then ask me if its ok first or ASK! its not that hard I think?
I have to put this out. I really do need all of your help. I can't continue to going on this way if no one will help me besides a few dedicated few.
I know I need money to survive, but I'm only asking for your kindness. If you want to help I'll be greatful, but all I need is a journal...
I'm going to go now, and clear out all of my lists of people on my IM's.
There are very few of you love to death, and will be lost without. I hate having to have you few read, and see my suffering. But with so many saying your there for me... I don't see it. I need to see it... thats all.. So please.... Forgive me for being selfish.
But I want to make it clear that I'm not going to say a single name. Cause I don't want a person to know who I'm saying cause there are a lot.. A LOT of people who are doing what I'm going to say to me. Also I'm going to delete comments, igonre notes, and any page shouts of people going: Are you talking about me. I will not put up with that.
The point of this journal is to help me. Cause I need the help... And the only way to help myself is to make people see what I'm feeling. So please.. READ all of waht I'm going to say.
Before Journal.
Watchers: 820What I need people to read.Lately in life I've been having alot of problems with my mental well being. And so I'm having to watch out for myself. I need to see if people will undertand and listen to me for once.
For nearly 3 years I've been asking for help. Normally journals, and a picture or two. It should say something when someone has a set of pictures made for themselve about migraines. Now the problem I'm having is that for well over a year now I've simply asking for people to help me. I live off donations, and I hardly don't expect anyone to donate. But what I ask for more is journals. And untill Yesterday when I had a massive freak out and sent out a few texts. I Think that scared a few people. They went and posted afew journals.
But I don't think it should take me in bed crying my eyes out from freaking pain to make people post a SIMPLE journal. The reason I'm hitting so hard on this is for a fact that I've been given so many excuses:
Your not worth the time or space on my journals.
I don't want to waste the space on you; Cause I need it for myself more then you
What kind of crap is that? I am only asking for nothing more then maybe 3 minutes of your time goin: Please help this dude out [link to journal].
Now that tells me so much bullshit about the world. I Have as I quoted above 820 watches. And ONly... so far... 3 people have shown me journals. So... 817 people can't be bothered. Thank you for the loving care. All 817 of you.
**** I have nearly over 1000 Journals posted a day. I've given up on journal reading cause of that huge number. Its so much easier if you SHOW me if you've posted something instead of having me hunt it down myself.
I know a few of you have noted me and said your willing... That matters to me, but I need to get this out. Why I'm just saying this.
Now for another part of my life that must change!!!
I keep and continue getting hurt almost every day by a good number of people in my life. A lot of people. Use me. They use me for so many things.
I'm sick of being peoples beatting post. I have nearly 500 people on IMs who I hardly know. Know why I hardly know them Casue there was one time they used me to fix their problem. And never talk to me again.
They come to me, and tell me their problems, and instead of saying thank you, or getting to know me. Leave me there hanging. I honestly should start charging people to help with their own problems. I get bogged down with there problems that I never have the chance to say my own.
Then comes the people who do this to me nearly religously. I see them maybe 3 to 5 times a week, and all tehy do is complain, bitch, and then want me to give them answers. There are many types of these people. The one I have blocked, deleted, and unwatched recently....
Would show up at the end of the night, Dump all there problems on me. Let me try and comofort them, and just goto bed before I could do anything else. No matter how many times I Tried to get to know this person better. They would dissappear before anything felt bettered. So I just couldn't handle it. I was forced to take this action.
I don't want this to happen to me. EVER again. I will help you with your problems. I will do my best to make you feel better... But I need help in return, or some sign of apprecaition.
Then there is another group of people who only use me for one thing: Sex.... All that happens is I try and talk to them or them to me.... And it turns into RP about sex.
I'm a very very sexual person. I won't deny that. But I can't be seen as just a sex object. That is why for almost 2 years now I've only appeared off line. And with me stating this. I will be cleaning out MY entire friends list with the exception of a few people. If you are going ot want to talk to me. Then talk to me. Don't jump my shit expecting me to RP with you with just sex. If you can't understand this. Then please remove me from your IMs. I don't need to be your personal dildo.
If I want to rp. Then ask me if its ok first or ASK! its not that hard I think?
I have to put this out. I really do need all of your help. I can't continue to going on this way if no one will help me besides a few dedicated few.
I know I need money to survive, but I'm only asking for your kindness. If you want to help I'll be greatful, but all I need is a journal...
I'm going to go now, and clear out all of my lists of people on my IM's.
There are very few of you love to death, and will be lost without. I hate having to have you few read, and see my suffering. But with so many saying your there for me... I don't see it. I need to see it... thats all.. So please.... Forgive me for being selfish.
IF YOU READ THIS COMMENT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS!!!!!
Also: Don't just say your here for me.... I need more then just words.
What, exactly, do you need done? I will gladly help you if I can.
Sounds like bs to me..
I know how you are feeling since it has happened to a friend around me well its still going on with her.
Times and hard for a lot but it seems you got it bad.Have you ever just try to tell them no?or leave you alone for once just get your alone time.A lot of stress and stuff on your back can kill you..or damage you badly....
i know nothing i say makes sense or something... I'm not much of a talker when it comes to things like this just wanted to add some tips..
But yes i do read every journal you post it's just i really do not know what to say like now everything i am typing sure is junk but -sigh- times are ruff
yup all those people on your friends list just like me only want to be your friend over something stupid and throw the dumbest stuff at you for no reason.
But i hope you at least get sometime to yourself like in a room away from all no phone around to communicate with others just a day to calm down and relax getting self together..
Yeah I have tried, so many things, and well yesterday was the straw that broke my back. I had to get it out, and hoped that people understand.
But thank you so much. Thank you for saying something at least, and that means things.
Get well work things out and i hope you find peace in your life to smile once again, as you did as a young child .
I don't know you cept from what i could gather, heck i don't know anyone, and you not me. Yes I could help you, post a journal to people that would never know you, the ones that you and I share are just a few. True more people will see you plight, but to be all fair and honest scars, who would help - actually truly help. I know I sound really glum and dark about this matter, mainly because I have been there a few times, not in your manner but others. Yes, passing a word is good, but what is the outcome...idk. Few people are kind and will give, yes I am aware of that. and like wise to your 3/820, I am sure 97% of ppl on my mind could care less about anything other than my art. Like you I have been off ims, for the reason you have and technical reason. I am not, NOT saying that you are nothing in my time - im just had to live the cold hard truth before...very few ~ your 3 out of 820. If i could i would...bet that gets old... but i have no business of going on paypal - call me selfish. I am.
Scars now this, from what little i do know - you seem a good person - i can see that from the people that see you more than what I do, Scars do well and strive - i can post a journal now but it will only be out of pity, and that would not be what you need. I do, do wish you the best and hope you do get though this. . .
Stay close to those that really, truly care for you and send the others to an extra turn on a rack...and I would say i will be on that as well ~ ~ i could use a good back popping.
And I know that feeling. Good back popping may come in handy :P
All I know is this from our brief talking: You are a good person there who just wishes to have some help given in return. Definitely not like some other people I have talked to in the past who you someone and breaks them down till they fell like they are worth nothing at all.
That is all I can really say here to be honest Scars.
The one reason why I didn't before is because my account was down for awhile. But I'm watching you now.
I know I probably don't talk a whole lot but hope things get better soon. Alright.
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2801701/
I'm also sorry that I haven't kept in better contact with you lately, I've been really bogged with schoolwork and commissions. Not only that, but I've started to become intensely suicidal, and I'm really trying to sort myself out. I hope I haven't caused you any grief, and if I have, I am truly, truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart. You have been nothing but kind and sincere to me, and I really appreciate it. I had started working on a birthday picture for you as a surprise, and I'll try to post it soon. You're such a great person, and you really don't deserve to be treated the way you're talking about.
But yeah, not all your fault. I'm away a lot these days myself and it'll only get worse this week.
I guess it's rather fitting that to your outcry against the Apathy of the masses, comes a new voice; one as yet unheard; answering; reaching out.
We do not know each other yet, but I do hope we find a sense of kinship in the near future.
I would gladly be an Ear, and a hand, even a shoulder if you should so need.
I can feel that things are needing to change, And if nothing more... I hope that people will listen.
People at large are too self-important; too absorbed in their own interests to see the good that can come from a little selflessness. And kind-natured souls like us cannot help but try to look to the good we can see in people; and not to give up on them until the bitter end. So, even though we know people use us, dump on us, vent at us, and attempt to discard us at whim; we try to forgive, seeking harmony instead, even to the point of breaking.
As someone who's been stepped on; taken for granted; used; outright lied-to; made into a villain for others' benefit; and suffered that special kind of pain that comes from feeling as though you toil in vain; be assured that I do sympathize greatly. The road of change is long and winding, but begins with the first step; I would like to help on that path.
All you ask is to be taken as who you are and to be treated with respect. That's a simple and human thing but more importantly compassion is something I have realized with this community more then any other I have even been apart of even a Church. Granted not saying its all churches or all places that can be assholes but Furries/Scalies/Otherkin/Hybrids etc. only have one another and our family/friends in real life. We should back each other up when given the opportunity because at some point and time SOMEONE came to your rescue and helped you. Its time to give back and give back when and if you can.
Sorry for the lil aside rant but I'm still in a similar situation and abhor the thought of my own friends or who I thought to be friends, end up just not doing what they can. For those that have, and came through in the pinch for me, they will always have my love, gratitude and thanks.
As for you, I'll do what I can *blushes and wags a lil and gives you a paw* the Name is Azu Gabu and I'll help in some way I can.
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2802900/
Here you go *wiggles*
I know we don't get to talk very often, but know I love you, <3
Here you go, I try to help my fox comrades. Also I'll be watching you from now on.
Buh if you ever need to rant or unload on someone you can also send me a note and i will always get back to you when i have a chance to come onto my laptop, i have a phone with the internet and crap now and i only really use it for Facebook and chatting to close friends as you can probably assume :3 I'mma try to link them up to my art things...
LOL! I've litearlly just scanned my app market for my new HTC to see if can get direct shortcut to DA and FA, FA i cant buh i have for DA i mean you can add me on there if you like and then note me ithink itll be easier and quicker for me to get back to ya if you were to note me :) Its WhiteWolfEm like on here obviously shows on my info on my homepage lol :3
Now it sucks how you feel everybodies using you to help with their prolems and you know what i honestly find it easier to help people with their problems and helps me with my own seens as it stops me freaking out over things going on in my own life which i shouldnt, i'm trying to learn to be less over the top and stuff :3 considering its affecting mine and my fiancee's relstionship >.<
So message me if you ever need someone to talk to i mean as you know i talk to your mate a lot because she wasnt happy and i hope i helped her by showing i was there for her so if you ever need a shoulder you can go for it with me you know i really don't mind id like to be a rock to the both of you when you need me :3
Love to you both :) XxX
IF you CHOOSE to help anyone who comes to you with their problems first and an introduction second, don't be surprised when you don't get the same in return. Everyone's good at complaining, very few are good at listening. Don't expect everyone to be able or willing to listen to your problems. Most of them don't give a shit because they're too busy with their own problems, and half of those left don't know how to listen.
All that said, it sounds like you're already doing this but... 500 IM screennames on your list? If the first conversation you have with them is them bitching to you, and nothing else, not even a thank-you, don't even bother adding them to your list. I need to pare down my IM list across all IMs as well, but I'm only at 195. I talk to maybe 10 daily, if that, and 10% often. That doesn't include repeat SNs on different accounts (it does span alll my SNs). If you only talk to 20 daily, and 30 every few days/weeks/months, put them all in a group and get rid of the rest.
Your time and your care is valuable, not everyone who asks for it deserves it. Also, why do you have to live on donations? What's holding you back from getting a job, or putting donated money towards meds to make you able to work and get a job so you can pay for them yourself? Are you living with someone else or by yourself?
Now for the reason I can't work, and asking for donations, not living on. I live with my mate, and her parents. SO I have a roof, and food, but beyond that nothing. The reason being is that I have migraines that happen from 1 to 4 times awake, and some can last up to 4 days in length. I can't move, or function enough to make it to the bathroom sometimes. LIke I'll lay in bed trying not to scream in pain.. Can't scream body won't function enough too. And wait 4 hours to goto the bathroom for a moment when I can trust my legs. I've been to the dr.s here.. Don't get me started on their stupidity. Tried for disability. Waiting to heard form them for the second time. Government aid has turned me down for all insurance based anything.
I tried waiting a year before coming here, and starting to ask for help. This comes almost maybe a year after I started asking. Thats kind of why I asked and wondered why on one would take time to make a simple journal. I know that money is tight for all. Thats whY I asked for journals, and hoped they would make it to someone who would help abit.. Even its just pocket change.
Ugh, that sucks. :/ I feel like I need to talk to you more about this on IM or somethin. Gonna note you.
Note: Hid my other comment because I replied to the wrong one. >>;
Sorry if that sounded rude. My mind is not co-operative with what I'm trying to say at times.
Take care of yourself my friend and keep that chin up. ~.^
It is obvious you need help.
But, quite frankly, you seem too willing to want to be leaning on other people.
And, for the most part, this seems to be the sort of help you need to provide for your-self.
YOU, YOUR-SELF.
With the side lean of a significant other, if that's available. Meaning for just someone to vent to briefly now and again.
And I don't want to hear that I do not understand.
I have migraines too.
They started two or three years ago after an odd event, it's apparently hereditary, so happy day.
While I don't think I've had one last as long as some of yours, I've had one for three days.
I get how debilitating it is and the like, but come on... really, man up a bit.
At first I thought they were impossible to even stand with, but it's quite possible to do things with them... preferably with a pair or two of sunglasses, even if it is the middle of the night.
I think, however, this being used deal would seem to be something that really needs attention.
Up until last year, I was in the same boat.
Hell, when my dad died I didn't get to say shit to anyone, 'cause they'd come babble to me about it and leave without bothering to ask a damn thing.
Infact, we have this boxflex no one ever uses that is beside my desk space and is referred to as the 'therapy chair', since that's pretty much what it was.
At any rate: My Odd-Ball one day suggested to me how toxic all these relationships were, blah, blah, blah....
So I took that into consideration, left with a mere two friends later [Odd-Ball not included], quite a bit fuckin' happier.
Again though, that's something you have to do for your-self.
But, quite frankly, if you think people posting journals-- anywhere---let alone here, will honestly help you at all-- then you probably have some larger issues you need to tackle.
Just, analyze what you said here, honestly:
'Now the problem I'm having is that for well over a year now I've simply asking for people to help me. I live off donations, and I hardly don't expect anyone to donate. But what I ask for more is journals. And untill Yesterday when I had a massive freak out and sent out a few texts. I Think that scared a few people. They went and posted afew journals.'
Hello!
We've never met and I just stumbles upon your journal and page through a friend of a friend. I just wanted to tell you that you are worth more than time and journals.
I know it can be hard to talk to new people sometimes, but if you're ever on AIM and want to strike up a conversation my s/n is marchingtubageek .
I hope that things get better for you *hugs*
I cannot be certain of how much it will help, but I will spread the word.
Now.... I'm still building up my following and I JUST started doing digital art but I want to help you.
My journal: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2808779/
It's not as much as I'd like to do and I won't be able to actually put anything into action until the 19th of this month because like a dork I left my tablet at home or I'd start right away.
I teared up when I read this journal, I can't stand knowing someone so kind hearted has been having such a rough time of it. But once I get home I will be sure to start sending some help your way.
*hugs you and holds you close* I hope this helps, even if just a little bit.