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Feb 29: Sleep? Depression? What are those things?
13 years ago
BODY █|█|█|█|█
MIND █|█|█|█|█
SOUL █|█|█|█|█
A bit under the weather
█ Mentally mature, emotionally unstable: The story of my life.
For those who keep track of my journals you'll notice I changed my meters, I did this because of how I've been able to look at myself and where I'm at with my life. I'm not sure how many people suffer from "deep" depression, but I suspect that number is in the minority. I understand that people get short bouts of it now and then, and that it's something that can be muddled through and that things get better eventually, but that's not the case for some people.
I don't think it's really possible to explain to someone else that no, eating different doesn't solve it; that no, listening to music doesn't solve it; that no, exercising doesn't solve it; that no, doing something you like doesn't solve it; and that it's not a persistent case of the 'lazies.'
I've been in a pit of darkness for... I'm going to guess around 15 years now, before that I was in a pit of torment for a good 6 before that; so a good two-thirds of my life have been in either a state of limbo or torment. Why am I this way? I'm a good actor, it's stupidly easy to keep to oneself and put on a smile outwardly. No one wants to be around a person who frowns all day, so it's smile and be ignorable and tolerable. Sides, I have no faith in the capabilities of mental healthcare, for the most part they are clueless; prescribing drugs for ever 'mental condition' out there.
In short, the brain is about ruts, or more eloquently: habits. Repeat the actions over and over, the stronger they are reinforced: Duh. The thing is each person is predisposed to do certain things, call it a natural talent or instinct; whatever suits your view of the situation. Mine was creation and construction with a large case of empathy and sensitivity. Funny how the word 'sensitive' has been turned into a negative connotation; oh wait, it isn't funny. Both cases my 'ruts' were formed around the things I innately loved and made me happy. The things I built got wrecked, by everyone and everybody, it hurts. It didn't hurt deeply, but it hurt frequently. The saying "When you don't first succeed try try again" has little meaning to me, because I succeed in creating; but the end result was just seeing my efforts wasted. Empathy and being nice to people? Yeah that one turned out real well too, same result: Getting stepped on.
So as a result I've been avoiding the things I liked to do, that gave me fulfillment, that gave me happiness; but it's more than that, my brain simply stopped... well caring. Doing the things I used to love and enjoy no longer did anything for me. They were just things, a reminder of how I used to feel. If any of you have played Baldur's Gate II, I refer you to the villain Irencius. A man in where he lost everything, who tried desperately to recreate his love and failed. Who tried to cling to the memory of his love, then to the memory of the memory, and then to the memory of the memory of the memory; who was left with nothing but bitterness. Bitterness and the want of vengeance.
I'm bitter, but not vengeful; but some people are. Vengeful not against the people who wronged them directly, but against the existence they have been forced into. There's always a majority of people who seem confused when people go on a warpath that they do so indiscriminately; like even recently in the news in yet another shooting at a "zero tolerance for bullying" school. That they always wonder "Why didn't they just shoot the ones that were making them suffer?" People are clueless, but the answer is simply: "They don't care anymore, about anything." They've been stripped of their humanity, of their love; all of it. Every last shred, gone.
Yet, people will always say "There's a choice", no there isn't. Who would choose to suffer willingly? The 'default' option is to kill off your emotions, or lock them away; do anything you can to make the hurt stop, cause everyone else certainly isn't making an effort to make you stop feeling pain.
█ Still all that is simply a lead up to... now I guess. I've been getting short bouts of... I suppose I'd call it 'wholeness.' The sensation now and then of the actions I do have some meaning to myself. That I can go for a period of time without carrying a sense of sadness or emptiness inside. If you're reading this and one of those people who experience depression for a few days at a time, reverse it; try to think that instead of a few days of depression you get a few days of 'normality' and that's the existence that I personally have dealt with for two decades.
Though that's changing a little bit. I'm essentially picking up the pieces of my life that was destroyed 15 years ago when the world broke me, and I'm finding my "normal" days are about... I'd say 30% of the time now, instead of being maybe around 5%. 15 years ago I had an ambition to be... well a video game designer. It's this year that I ended up realizing a portion of that dream, and the further I push into it the happier I find myself getting.
For the past week I've been working on my Flash game with a kind of motivation that hasn't existed in me since... when I was still a kid. It's a double edged sword for me however because I've had no time to temper that motivation, it leaves my brain overstimulated and too full of thought so I have to keep working because I can't sleep. Even as I write this particular journal I'm running on 3 or 4 hours of sleep, I'm not entirely sure. This is something pretty much new to me, so I haven't been able to manage it very well, I don't have the ability to simply say "I'll sleep now, and work more on it tomorrow" my brain doesn't have an off-switch for this motivation, so I'm a bit more reliant on it running out of gas first.
I mean I've had a similar reaction to some video games, but those tended to have elements of repetition in them that made it simply a question of time, so it was thoughts of problem solving revolved around time management, pretty simple stuff; but with game programming and development it requires problem solving and imagination, things that just keep me up at night if I don't deal with it in the here and now. So yeah, sleeping has become fairly erratic.
█ Still what does it all mean for what I do on FA and those of you who watch me for ... well you know the reasons. I already decided awhile back that game-wise I'll probably make something kink-related as my third gaming project. I imagine I'll be finishing my shooter game (first project) sometime this week. Though I'll likely work on some animations before I get started on my second game project.
█ There was something else that was on my mind... can't seem to remember; probably not that important. So in closing:
My Little Bronie: Fact or Fiction!
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6.....y-little-brony
Though as to myself in regards to it, I still like the show but I have no urges to join the fandom.
MIND █|█|█|█|█
SOUL █|█|█|█|█
A bit under the weather
█ Mentally mature, emotionally unstable: The story of my life.
For those who keep track of my journals you'll notice I changed my meters, I did this because of how I've been able to look at myself and where I'm at with my life. I'm not sure how many people suffer from "deep" depression, but I suspect that number is in the minority. I understand that people get short bouts of it now and then, and that it's something that can be muddled through and that things get better eventually, but that's not the case for some people.
I don't think it's really possible to explain to someone else that no, eating different doesn't solve it; that no, listening to music doesn't solve it; that no, exercising doesn't solve it; that no, doing something you like doesn't solve it; and that it's not a persistent case of the 'lazies.'
I've been in a pit of darkness for... I'm going to guess around 15 years now, before that I was in a pit of torment for a good 6 before that; so a good two-thirds of my life have been in either a state of limbo or torment. Why am I this way? I'm a good actor, it's stupidly easy to keep to oneself and put on a smile outwardly. No one wants to be around a person who frowns all day, so it's smile and be ignorable and tolerable. Sides, I have no faith in the capabilities of mental healthcare, for the most part they are clueless; prescribing drugs for ever 'mental condition' out there.
In short, the brain is about ruts, or more eloquently: habits. Repeat the actions over and over, the stronger they are reinforced: Duh. The thing is each person is predisposed to do certain things, call it a natural talent or instinct; whatever suits your view of the situation. Mine was creation and construction with a large case of empathy and sensitivity. Funny how the word 'sensitive' has been turned into a negative connotation; oh wait, it isn't funny. Both cases my 'ruts' were formed around the things I innately loved and made me happy. The things I built got wrecked, by everyone and everybody, it hurts. It didn't hurt deeply, but it hurt frequently. The saying "When you don't first succeed try try again" has little meaning to me, because I succeed in creating; but the end result was just seeing my efforts wasted. Empathy and being nice to people? Yeah that one turned out real well too, same result: Getting stepped on.
So as a result I've been avoiding the things I liked to do, that gave me fulfillment, that gave me happiness; but it's more than that, my brain simply stopped... well caring. Doing the things I used to love and enjoy no longer did anything for me. They were just things, a reminder of how I used to feel. If any of you have played Baldur's Gate II, I refer you to the villain Irencius. A man in where he lost everything, who tried desperately to recreate his love and failed. Who tried to cling to the memory of his love, then to the memory of the memory, and then to the memory of the memory of the memory; who was left with nothing but bitterness. Bitterness and the want of vengeance.
I'm bitter, but not vengeful; but some people are. Vengeful not against the people who wronged them directly, but against the existence they have been forced into. There's always a majority of people who seem confused when people go on a warpath that they do so indiscriminately; like even recently in the news in yet another shooting at a "zero tolerance for bullying" school. That they always wonder "Why didn't they just shoot the ones that were making them suffer?" People are clueless, but the answer is simply: "They don't care anymore, about anything." They've been stripped of their humanity, of their love; all of it. Every last shred, gone.
Yet, people will always say "There's a choice", no there isn't. Who would choose to suffer willingly? The 'default' option is to kill off your emotions, or lock them away; do anything you can to make the hurt stop, cause everyone else certainly isn't making an effort to make you stop feeling pain.
█ Still all that is simply a lead up to... now I guess. I've been getting short bouts of... I suppose I'd call it 'wholeness.' The sensation now and then of the actions I do have some meaning to myself. That I can go for a period of time without carrying a sense of sadness or emptiness inside. If you're reading this and one of those people who experience depression for a few days at a time, reverse it; try to think that instead of a few days of depression you get a few days of 'normality' and that's the existence that I personally have dealt with for two decades.
Though that's changing a little bit. I'm essentially picking up the pieces of my life that was destroyed 15 years ago when the world broke me, and I'm finding my "normal" days are about... I'd say 30% of the time now, instead of being maybe around 5%. 15 years ago I had an ambition to be... well a video game designer. It's this year that I ended up realizing a portion of that dream, and the further I push into it the happier I find myself getting.
For the past week I've been working on my Flash game with a kind of motivation that hasn't existed in me since... when I was still a kid. It's a double edged sword for me however because I've had no time to temper that motivation, it leaves my brain overstimulated and too full of thought so I have to keep working because I can't sleep. Even as I write this particular journal I'm running on 3 or 4 hours of sleep, I'm not entirely sure. This is something pretty much new to me, so I haven't been able to manage it very well, I don't have the ability to simply say "I'll sleep now, and work more on it tomorrow" my brain doesn't have an off-switch for this motivation, so I'm a bit more reliant on it running out of gas first.
I mean I've had a similar reaction to some video games, but those tended to have elements of repetition in them that made it simply a question of time, so it was thoughts of problem solving revolved around time management, pretty simple stuff; but with game programming and development it requires problem solving and imagination, things that just keep me up at night if I don't deal with it in the here and now. So yeah, sleeping has become fairly erratic.
█ Still what does it all mean for what I do on FA and those of you who watch me for ... well you know the reasons. I already decided awhile back that game-wise I'll probably make something kink-related as my third gaming project. I imagine I'll be finishing my shooter game (first project) sometime this week. Though I'll likely work on some animations before I get started on my second game project.
█ There was something else that was on my mind... can't seem to remember; probably not that important. So in closing:
My Little Bronie: Fact or Fiction!
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6.....y-little-brony
Though as to myself in regards to it, I still like the show but I have no urges to join the fandom.
The video also just made me think of a "Toy Story" what-if. Also makes me think if the whole MLP thing hit a few years earlier if the Toy Story series would end up making a nod to that phenomenon.
So really the three things I'd be doing every day (if I was following it more strictly) would be to take care of my body to stay healthy/strong, learn something to expand the mind, and to reflect upon who I am; but one of the key things would be to keep everything balanced; not to focus on one area at the expense of everything else. I suspect the end result would generally be about the same even though the approach is different, there isn't exactly a guide book for spirituality.
Still a a fair bit of darkness in my life to be sure, but at least the blinds are open letting some light in.
It sounds to me that right now there a force within yourself that is driving you to work on this project. You mind and heart is filled with feelings of joy and true moments of happiness. I say don't question why it is that you are doing it but yet embrace everyone of those moments. Your body will sleep when it needs to... It will let you know as for now just do what you feel you need to do.
I think I have a pretty good feeling with what you mean with this bit - that has pretty much been life for the better part of my so called teenage-life (8 years to be excact, which is just only about of what you have been through I know) so I have a rasp of what your point is here
I know that this is probably and most likely pretty much useless and unimportant, but you are not all alone with these things; talking to others might be a way to let sme of the weight of your wings, thats what's really help me to see glimts of light outside the black pit :) but then again, it's probably just me being emotional, and as things are then you have allready talked with someone about this :)
And I know that all of this may just seem like someones ramblings, and I apologize for that. I know that this might be usefull to you at all, but my heart still bide me to try and help out in any way if I possibly can :)
In any case, I really hope that you will keep on getting better and to improve as time goes. It might take more time, but I am sure that things will continue to brighten up in the future :3
And until then I will say the sme as Shine, just keep on going mate, we know you can do this ^^
The brain is not a black box. It is a delicate chemical machine, and it responds to chemical stimuli. The problem is finding out what, when and how.
Psychotherapy is also effective, particularly for 'mild to moderate' cases.
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Huggs druggs * huggs you tightly and squeeks*