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Love and Attraction
13 years ago
A world that loves it's irony...
I had two people ask me what my thoughts on open relationships were yesterday, so instead of repeating myself over and over, I figured I could just post a journal here. So, a fair warning that these are opinions!
First off, any relationship is all about communication. Forget the type we're talking about, if you don't have open and honest communication with your partner, it's destined to be a failure. Whether it's about things you like or don't like, or whether or not you want to fool around with other people from time to time, talking to your partner about whatever the problem may be is the only, and I do mean only way to find a solution.
As far as open, poly, and other "alternative" relationships go, there's ample argument that monoamory is no more "natural" for our species than any other form of relationship. If you find yourself being a person who enjoys monoamory, by all means pursue it. This is by no means an indictment of monoamory, it most definitely works for some people.
I am, as far as I know, not one of those people.
The problem our society has fallen into is that we equate love and sex as interconnected actions and feelings. If you really love someone, you'll have sex with them, and if you have sex with someone you're in love with them. While it's not to say this isn't true, it is not the golden, end-all be-all rule. It's also not exactly kosher to say that if you have sex with someone, you don't also love them, whether or not you're in a relationship with them. Sex is a carnal, animal connection. It may be dirty, kinky, sometimes plain wrong, but it is a connection. Whether that connection is used for pleasure or ill will is not up to my opinion, but to the people using it.
There is a fundamental difference between being in love with someone and wanting to have sex with someone, and that is a fact people shy away from. It's complex, it adds levels of intimacy to everything and some people are just plain scared of that. Others try to use ancient texts or rules (and not just the Bible, guys, not just religious groups--don't be that way) to tell us that sex is wrong, or that sex is sacred. Sex is sacred, it is a pathway to a higher power, be it just chemicals going crazy in your brain or a god or goddess, whatever your flavour.
I think love and lust are complex and wonderful things, and they intermingle all the time. But when you start making them inseparable, you alienate other groups. If sex and love were so intertwined, asexual people would never find love, and nymphos (in the most loving sense) would never find love. That's utter bullshit and we all know it.
The sexual revolution isn't quite done with us, and by once again putting rules on the way we love and fornicate, we shackle ourselves to old ideals that don't fit into everyone's worldview.
The idea of being in an honest, open relationship, where there have been discussions on play partners, times it's okay versus not okay, and how one goes about doing what they do, that sort of relationship is exciting to me. Maybe you have a fetish your partner isn't into--the idea that you compromise your own sexual happiness is silly. You also do not get to neglect the person you pledged loving allegiance to.
The name of the game is open forum communication and moderation, much like with anything else. Don't deny someone their own sexual happiness because you think the way they wish to live is wrong. There are horrible, broken monoamorous relationships just as often as there are horrible, broken polyamorous or open relationships. But in the end, everyone deserves the connection.
Lu out.
--
P.S.: If you want to read just an amazing book on the modern human sexuality, I suggest the book "Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships" by Christopher Ryan. Fascinating read, found it through one of my other favourite progressive sexual thinkers, Dan Savage. Link below.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stra.....796&sr=8-1
First off, any relationship is all about communication. Forget the type we're talking about, if you don't have open and honest communication with your partner, it's destined to be a failure. Whether it's about things you like or don't like, or whether or not you want to fool around with other people from time to time, talking to your partner about whatever the problem may be is the only, and I do mean only way to find a solution.
As far as open, poly, and other "alternative" relationships go, there's ample argument that monoamory is no more "natural" for our species than any other form of relationship. If you find yourself being a person who enjoys monoamory, by all means pursue it. This is by no means an indictment of monoamory, it most definitely works for some people.
I am, as far as I know, not one of those people.
The problem our society has fallen into is that we equate love and sex as interconnected actions and feelings. If you really love someone, you'll have sex with them, and if you have sex with someone you're in love with them. While it's not to say this isn't true, it is not the golden, end-all be-all rule. It's also not exactly kosher to say that if you have sex with someone, you don't also love them, whether or not you're in a relationship with them. Sex is a carnal, animal connection. It may be dirty, kinky, sometimes plain wrong, but it is a connection. Whether that connection is used for pleasure or ill will is not up to my opinion, but to the people using it.
There is a fundamental difference between being in love with someone and wanting to have sex with someone, and that is a fact people shy away from. It's complex, it adds levels of intimacy to everything and some people are just plain scared of that. Others try to use ancient texts or rules (and not just the Bible, guys, not just religious groups--don't be that way) to tell us that sex is wrong, or that sex is sacred. Sex is sacred, it is a pathway to a higher power, be it just chemicals going crazy in your brain or a god or goddess, whatever your flavour.
I think love and lust are complex and wonderful things, and they intermingle all the time. But when you start making them inseparable, you alienate other groups. If sex and love were so intertwined, asexual people would never find love, and nymphos (in the most loving sense) would never find love. That's utter bullshit and we all know it.
The sexual revolution isn't quite done with us, and by once again putting rules on the way we love and fornicate, we shackle ourselves to old ideals that don't fit into everyone's worldview.
The idea of being in an honest, open relationship, where there have been discussions on play partners, times it's okay versus not okay, and how one goes about doing what they do, that sort of relationship is exciting to me. Maybe you have a fetish your partner isn't into--the idea that you compromise your own sexual happiness is silly. You also do not get to neglect the person you pledged loving allegiance to.
The name of the game is open forum communication and moderation, much like with anything else. Don't deny someone their own sexual happiness because you think the way they wish to live is wrong. There are horrible, broken monoamorous relationships just as often as there are horrible, broken polyamorous or open relationships. But in the end, everyone deserves the connection.
Lu out.
--
P.S.: If you want to read just an amazing book on the modern human sexuality, I suggest the book "Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships" by Christopher Ryan. Fascinating read, found it through one of my other favourite progressive sexual thinkers, Dan Savage. Link below.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stra.....796&sr=8-1
Relationships are a very individual thing with a very heavy social component. What works for individuals isn't necessarily what works for society all the time, and society can be right and wrong.
I do find the idea of polyamorous relationships, where it's actual love spread around a group of more than three people, to be terrifying. I think that's because I have big problems expressing my emotions to other people, so the idea of having to navigate more than just one other person to be daunting. :)
Well put though, these tend to be my thoughts on the subject too.