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Apr 11: The Dark Places of My Mind
13 years ago
|█████|BODY
|█████|MIND
|█████|SOUL
Hard to sleep, maybe a bit sick.
Current Project |██████████|
█ I suppose I had what I consider nightmares all night last night. Hard for me to remember any of the details, but they all had the same theme of personal suffering. I'm always on a precipice to despair, mostly because my emotional stability is usually surrounded by it on all sides. My dreams took me to places that I had mostly forgotten about, places in where I wasn't ever really happy. Unlike most of my dreams, these places actually exist in reality; mixing in memory with my dream state.
I'm not sure what to say of what I saw, but I was mostly reminded of why I am the way I am. In my dreams this night I felt like a person screaming out as loud as he can, but all those within my sight before me cannot hear me. I hear my own screams, but no one hears anything. They are deaf to me, and I cannot think of any more adept metaphor to my life. I suffer in plain sight of pretty much everyone I know. My screams are loud in my own head, but nothing reaches other people.
I suppose it's a sort of epiphany I got through my dreams, a deeper understanding of who I am as a person. It's not pleasant, but it is who I am. It not a new metaphor, as it's one I've encountered in the past before, but it's only today that it really has a deeper meaning to me now.
It's one of the biggest paradoxes of depression, as depression is considered "Silent Suffering" but really... it's probably furthest from the truth, because the suffering is loud, overwhelming; like a thousand voices screaming in my head, but I have no voice of my own to scream. I shouldn't scream. I'm not allowed to scream. It's dangerous to scream. It hurts to scream.
█ It was a dream though. I've mostly moved from that, and my visit to that unpleasant past was brief. Though it served a reminder of who I am because it's part of me, and why I probably will always struggle to connect with others: Even if I'm not suffering, my voice doesn't ever seem to reach anyone else. I can live with that, after what it seems a lifetime of hurting, I'm content with just not being in constant agony. I'm just not sure if I'm capable of more.
All I know is the lock I placed on the darkest part of my essence got a little loose, and it happens at my own peril. It's not something I'm remotely ready to confront, and I don't think I ever will.
|█████|MIND
|█████|SOUL
Hard to sleep, maybe a bit sick.
Current Project |██████████|
█ I suppose I had what I consider nightmares all night last night. Hard for me to remember any of the details, but they all had the same theme of personal suffering. I'm always on a precipice to despair, mostly because my emotional stability is usually surrounded by it on all sides. My dreams took me to places that I had mostly forgotten about, places in where I wasn't ever really happy. Unlike most of my dreams, these places actually exist in reality; mixing in memory with my dream state.
I'm not sure what to say of what I saw, but I was mostly reminded of why I am the way I am. In my dreams this night I felt like a person screaming out as loud as he can, but all those within my sight before me cannot hear me. I hear my own screams, but no one hears anything. They are deaf to me, and I cannot think of any more adept metaphor to my life. I suffer in plain sight of pretty much everyone I know. My screams are loud in my own head, but nothing reaches other people.
I suppose it's a sort of epiphany I got through my dreams, a deeper understanding of who I am as a person. It's not pleasant, but it is who I am. It not a new metaphor, as it's one I've encountered in the past before, but it's only today that it really has a deeper meaning to me now.
It's one of the biggest paradoxes of depression, as depression is considered "Silent Suffering" but really... it's probably furthest from the truth, because the suffering is loud, overwhelming; like a thousand voices screaming in my head, but I have no voice of my own to scream. I shouldn't scream. I'm not allowed to scream. It's dangerous to scream. It hurts to scream.
█ It was a dream though. I've mostly moved from that, and my visit to that unpleasant past was brief. Though it served a reminder of who I am because it's part of me, and why I probably will always struggle to connect with others: Even if I'm not suffering, my voice doesn't ever seem to reach anyone else. I can live with that, after what it seems a lifetime of hurting, I'm content with just not being in constant agony. I'm just not sure if I'm capable of more.
All I know is the lock I placed on the darkest part of my essence got a little loose, and it happens at my own peril. It's not something I'm remotely ready to confront, and I don't think I ever will.
I guess it can be applied to real life because possibly you think no one understands you? No matter how hard you try, you just can't find the appropriate words and even if one could, it's not enough as most of it is an overwhelming sensation of wild emotions being bottled up.
But know this!
If you can withstand that amount of sadness, despair and such and you're still standing. Be proud that you took head on that fear and know that you are still standing. Many people decide to brush away that stuff rather than really know what it can do.
I have my own little dark mind as well...I've faced it many times and it isn't nice.
Be safe!
I like what lies in the darkest corners of us.
I like to think dreams always has an underlining understanding to them. Something that cannot be seen, it must be explored. For your example:
Perhaps it's not the fear of reaching out to others. If you had no voice of your own, could it be your trying to reach yourself? Maybe the nightmare is trying to tell you, you cannot connect with others until you have a strong voice of your own. Or perhaps it is you cannot connect with others because you are trying to hard. When a person whispers, the people listening has to try harder to listen, more of an effort to understand. It is easier to hear a whisper than a yell.
It's like the teeth dream= Dreaming that your teeth are falling out represents a fear of financial dispair to not be able to take care of ones self.
The silent screaming usually means a feeling that your world is getting smaller, opportunities are passing you by.
I vaguely know of the things you experienced when you were young (at least of the things you told me), but *shrugs*, the only thing you can really do is reflect, and move on. I myself have had my share of unpleasant memories: Sexual Harrassment from a homosexual (cousin) when I was about 9, multiple deaths in my family including one that has made me constantly fighting depression (my mother), the fact that I let things beyond my control (the world, politics) get in the way of my well-being to live on day by day. Sometimes you just have to say (excuse my language) "fuck it....if I want it, I'll get it.....If I can't forget it, I will deal with it....If I don't like it, I will let people know and let them know I will do all in my power(and right mind) to change it". Life can be cruel....but it also gives you knowledge and personal experience....it's just a matter of how you deal with it. Are you gonna be the performer, or are you gonna be the audience? Because there is a difference to be that one out of a hundred. It all depends on when you decide to take the stage.
I'm sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear, but it's very hard to get better without confronting our fears and our repressed feelings. While I'm no professional and my advice shouldn't be considered a substitute for that of someone who is, I firmly believe in what I'm telling you, or I wouldn't be saying it. Nor would I if I didn't think you could recover.
But if you're not ready to face it, that's okay. The important thing, I think, is to do it at your own pace. Just bear it in mind.
Ultimately, you've learned something about yourself, and whether you like what you see or not, that's a good thing.
I hope you don't get meltdown like I do, they can be stressful and embarrassing.
I may be random talking on your journal like this, but you shouhld not have to go through this alone.
I may not be a friend, but I can understand what you mean.
If you need a place to scream, go to my notes, or an IM.
No one deserves to go through that, and I do want to help when those around me get sad.