FA+
Shop
Personal Reflections of the Past
13 years ago
Some of the material contains some disturbing content as well as language.
Its been some time since i last posted anything in my journals. Let alone posted any poems or artwork on my profile. During the past couple of weeks, Ive been doing a lot of reflecting and looking back at past events through my life. This is probably going to be one of the longest journals that i have written since my time within FA so please bare with me.
When i was first starting up Elementary School, They had put me in a Special Ed class. For what reason i do not remember since this was a long time ago. so after about 3 months they had me take some tests to see how i was on my IQ. I scored a lot higher on my IQ and they had told me after that i was going to be able to attend regular classes just like everybody else. I was actually excited to actually attend classes with the others students. The word had gotten out and it spread like wildfire in my school. I was happy that i would be learning new things, the students however, were not happy about it. Not one bit. I wish that word had never gotten out, because for the next 5 years there, it was going to be hell for me.
2 days after i took the IQ test, they had put me in a regular class. I honestly don’t know why it took so long, I’m guessing it was paperwork or something. The minute i walked into 1st grade class,The teacher welcomed me and told me to have a seat. Half of the class gave me this look, and it wasn’t a good one either. It took me at least 2 minutes to realize that i was on their shit list. I was not welcomed there by most of the class. One student came up to me and straight up told me, “Go back to the retard class you idiot. You won’t understand a thing in our class.” It sounds silly now but at that time, that really stuck in my head. Some of the comments that students would say to me when the teacher wasn’t listening were:
You are stupid
Why are you so fat?
The teachers hate you and want you to fail
Ogre (this annoyed the living hell out of me)
Gonna fast forward to 5th grade since the previous years were a blur to me. Not much really changed. It took a while for everyone to accept me, though the bullying didn’t stop. It became a lot harder for me to understand the homework assignments and i felt like i was stupid for not understanding it, Other students were having no problem doing the assignments, so why was i struggling so much with it? One day when the family and i were at the house just sitting down, I asked them a question about class work and they helped me out with it. Then i asked them the question that no parent ever wants to hear. “Why am i so different from everybody else?” My parents instantly went from talkative to dead silence. I could tell from the look in their eyes that they didn’t know how to respond to the question. Then my mom ended up telling me right then and there that i had autism. I didn’t understand it at first but after a brief explanation, i knew now why i had such a hard time with class work.
6th Grade wasn’t too bad, The name calling and all the other crap stopped for a good while. actually it stayed that way for the whole year which was a surprise since it felt good not having to be picked on. I got through 6th Grade easily and prepared myself for the 7th grade. (A.K.A. Junior High) I thought that everything would go well during Junior High School. What i was not expecting is that for the next 2 years, I would be going though some changes, and for the worst. I thought that the worst was over with. I had no idea how wrong i would be.
I had assumed that 7th grade would fly by fast for me since i had gotten through the other grades pretty well. I mean after all it was just one class right? I found out the hard way when i went to a presentation that instead of one class, i would have 6 classes that i would have to take. The second i heard that, i began to freak out a little since i was used to going to only one classroom. After the tour of the school, i pretty much got the stuff that i needed and left to get ready for Junior High. What i noticed with the school is that it looked like a prison for school kids. They had gates that were as tall as some of the buildings. I guess they didn’t want students ditching class.
On the 1st day of Junior High, I really did not know what to expect. As soon as i got in the school, it was completely overcrowded with students. im not sure how many students were there exactly. I get to the first class and to my surprise, its not crowded at all. think there were only 19 students in that class. I take my seat and get ready for what i needed to learn. 5 minutes later, a student comes up to me and takes a good look at me and says, “You’re the retarded kid from elementary school, aren’t you?” The second i heard that, i’m panicking in my mind like “Oh shit”. I get through first period and head for my second class, hoping that it would be better. A friend of mine had called me and i stopped really quick to see how he was doing. I could tell something was wrong by the look on his face. I remember him saying “Dude you are in some deep shit right now.” At first i thought he was joking and i asked him, “What do you mean?” He tells me, “The word is out man, Everybody knows who you are. They know about you being in Special Ed during elementary school.” Immediately i started to stress out, and i mean big time. It was bad enough that i was picked on about that during elementary school, but now that the word was out and it had spread quickly, I was scared as hell. All i could hope for is that nobody would pick on me because of it. For the rest of the school day, i was picked on. I had been bullied before but i had never had it to an extreme level where i couldn’t focus on anything else. As soon as i came home, my mom saw that i looked really out of it and said, “Is everything ok honey?” At that moment, i had wanted to tell her what was going on, what had really happened during the day. Instead i lied to her and said, “Yeah im fine, just a really long day at school is all.” I knew she had worried about me during elementary school, but at the same time i didn’t want her to worry about me during Junior High. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her how i felt. I did my assignments and went to sleep as soon as i was done.
For the next two years that i was there, It was a nightmare. I was constantly picked on by other kids because of my past, and of course my weight as well. Then it went from name calling to beatings. The thing is though that it would be during class when the teacher wasn’t looking. I was punched in the back, and on the head as well. It hurt like hell every time. My grades took a turn for the worst as well, I went from an A to B, to C,s D,s and F,s. I found it so hard to concentrate on my work because i was being picked on from left to right. Everyday it took a toll on my mentality and it became to the point on where i couldn’t recognize who i was. i would just take the abuse, but i never told anyone on how i felt. My heart was like a sponge, It would absorb all the harassment and the hurt, but it just wouldn’t end. I was so afraid of crying because i knew that if i let go, i wouldn’t stop crying. Most of my friends that i had during the years wanted nothing to do with me, mostly because they had no idea that i was in special ed in the past. They unfriended me because of that one flaw that i had. They did not want to be seen with a special ed kid. The pain got so bad that i started to contemplate suicide. I came up with different ways on how to do it:
Overdose on pills
Slitting my throat with a knife
Drowning
Run into oncoming traffic
Hanging myself
Poisoning
Pouring gasoline on myself and light myself on fire
Stab myself and try to rip out a vital organ
Im glad i never attempted to do any of that. I passed Junior High, and i mean barely passed. I was glad that i was done with Junior High, however this would carry on through High School.
High School wasn’t any better. It was pretty much drama, doing the normal six classes, and such. The bullying was going on still but it wasn’t to the extreme like in Junior High. it had actually calmed down since they were too busy focusing on other things, and im so glad that they were distracted. Through the 4 years that i was there, things got better and better. I graduated High School and i feel so accomplished, because i proved that i could make it though school. As soon as graduation was over, my parents found me and we were so happy. I remember looking at my dad and i told him. “I did it dad, i made it” I don't think i ever saw my father get so emotional. It was a relief for me and my family. I had made it, though things were hell at the beginning, I managed to survive.
This is what i remember during those years. 3 days after graduation, a couple of the people that had picked on me had came by my house and they wanted to talk to me. They wanted to apologize for everything that they had done, every beating, every word that was hurtful, pretty much everything. I forgave them, right then and there. With that they left and i felt a huge weight off my back lifted.
Im not asking anybody to feel sorry for me, I just want people to be aware of what i went through, because i know there are others that are going through similar situations like i went though. I send this as a message for anybody that is going through hell right now. Not just with school, but their disabilities as well. That no matter what people tell you or say you can’t do it, that anything is possible if you give it all you got. I am a survivor. This is my story
- Librios
Its been some time since i last posted anything in my journals. Let alone posted any poems or artwork on my profile. During the past couple of weeks, Ive been doing a lot of reflecting and looking back at past events through my life. This is probably going to be one of the longest journals that i have written since my time within FA so please bare with me.
When i was first starting up Elementary School, They had put me in a Special Ed class. For what reason i do not remember since this was a long time ago. so after about 3 months they had me take some tests to see how i was on my IQ. I scored a lot higher on my IQ and they had told me after that i was going to be able to attend regular classes just like everybody else. I was actually excited to actually attend classes with the others students. The word had gotten out and it spread like wildfire in my school. I was happy that i would be learning new things, the students however, were not happy about it. Not one bit. I wish that word had never gotten out, because for the next 5 years there, it was going to be hell for me.
2 days after i took the IQ test, they had put me in a regular class. I honestly don’t know why it took so long, I’m guessing it was paperwork or something. The minute i walked into 1st grade class,The teacher welcomed me and told me to have a seat. Half of the class gave me this look, and it wasn’t a good one either. It took me at least 2 minutes to realize that i was on their shit list. I was not welcomed there by most of the class. One student came up to me and straight up told me, “Go back to the retard class you idiot. You won’t understand a thing in our class.” It sounds silly now but at that time, that really stuck in my head. Some of the comments that students would say to me when the teacher wasn’t listening were:
You are stupid
Why are you so fat?
The teachers hate you and want you to fail
Ogre (this annoyed the living hell out of me)
Gonna fast forward to 5th grade since the previous years were a blur to me. Not much really changed. It took a while for everyone to accept me, though the bullying didn’t stop. It became a lot harder for me to understand the homework assignments and i felt like i was stupid for not understanding it, Other students were having no problem doing the assignments, so why was i struggling so much with it? One day when the family and i were at the house just sitting down, I asked them a question about class work and they helped me out with it. Then i asked them the question that no parent ever wants to hear. “Why am i so different from everybody else?” My parents instantly went from talkative to dead silence. I could tell from the look in their eyes that they didn’t know how to respond to the question. Then my mom ended up telling me right then and there that i had autism. I didn’t understand it at first but after a brief explanation, i knew now why i had such a hard time with class work.
6th Grade wasn’t too bad, The name calling and all the other crap stopped for a good while. actually it stayed that way for the whole year which was a surprise since it felt good not having to be picked on. I got through 6th Grade easily and prepared myself for the 7th grade. (A.K.A. Junior High) I thought that everything would go well during Junior High School. What i was not expecting is that for the next 2 years, I would be going though some changes, and for the worst. I thought that the worst was over with. I had no idea how wrong i would be.
I had assumed that 7th grade would fly by fast for me since i had gotten through the other grades pretty well. I mean after all it was just one class right? I found out the hard way when i went to a presentation that instead of one class, i would have 6 classes that i would have to take. The second i heard that, i began to freak out a little since i was used to going to only one classroom. After the tour of the school, i pretty much got the stuff that i needed and left to get ready for Junior High. What i noticed with the school is that it looked like a prison for school kids. They had gates that were as tall as some of the buildings. I guess they didn’t want students ditching class.
On the 1st day of Junior High, I really did not know what to expect. As soon as i got in the school, it was completely overcrowded with students. im not sure how many students were there exactly. I get to the first class and to my surprise, its not crowded at all. think there were only 19 students in that class. I take my seat and get ready for what i needed to learn. 5 minutes later, a student comes up to me and takes a good look at me and says, “You’re the retarded kid from elementary school, aren’t you?” The second i heard that, i’m panicking in my mind like “Oh shit”. I get through first period and head for my second class, hoping that it would be better. A friend of mine had called me and i stopped really quick to see how he was doing. I could tell something was wrong by the look on his face. I remember him saying “Dude you are in some deep shit right now.” At first i thought he was joking and i asked him, “What do you mean?” He tells me, “The word is out man, Everybody knows who you are. They know about you being in Special Ed during elementary school.” Immediately i started to stress out, and i mean big time. It was bad enough that i was picked on about that during elementary school, but now that the word was out and it had spread quickly, I was scared as hell. All i could hope for is that nobody would pick on me because of it. For the rest of the school day, i was picked on. I had been bullied before but i had never had it to an extreme level where i couldn’t focus on anything else. As soon as i came home, my mom saw that i looked really out of it and said, “Is everything ok honey?” At that moment, i had wanted to tell her what was going on, what had really happened during the day. Instead i lied to her and said, “Yeah im fine, just a really long day at school is all.” I knew she had worried about me during elementary school, but at the same time i didn’t want her to worry about me during Junior High. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her how i felt. I did my assignments and went to sleep as soon as i was done.
For the next two years that i was there, It was a nightmare. I was constantly picked on by other kids because of my past, and of course my weight as well. Then it went from name calling to beatings. The thing is though that it would be during class when the teacher wasn’t looking. I was punched in the back, and on the head as well. It hurt like hell every time. My grades took a turn for the worst as well, I went from an A to B, to C,s D,s and F,s. I found it so hard to concentrate on my work because i was being picked on from left to right. Everyday it took a toll on my mentality and it became to the point on where i couldn’t recognize who i was. i would just take the abuse, but i never told anyone on how i felt. My heart was like a sponge, It would absorb all the harassment and the hurt, but it just wouldn’t end. I was so afraid of crying because i knew that if i let go, i wouldn’t stop crying. Most of my friends that i had during the years wanted nothing to do with me, mostly because they had no idea that i was in special ed in the past. They unfriended me because of that one flaw that i had. They did not want to be seen with a special ed kid. The pain got so bad that i started to contemplate suicide. I came up with different ways on how to do it:
Overdose on pills
Slitting my throat with a knife
Drowning
Run into oncoming traffic
Hanging myself
Poisoning
Pouring gasoline on myself and light myself on fire
Stab myself and try to rip out a vital organ
Im glad i never attempted to do any of that. I passed Junior High, and i mean barely passed. I was glad that i was done with Junior High, however this would carry on through High School.
High School wasn’t any better. It was pretty much drama, doing the normal six classes, and such. The bullying was going on still but it wasn’t to the extreme like in Junior High. it had actually calmed down since they were too busy focusing on other things, and im so glad that they were distracted. Through the 4 years that i was there, things got better and better. I graduated High School and i feel so accomplished, because i proved that i could make it though school. As soon as graduation was over, my parents found me and we were so happy. I remember looking at my dad and i told him. “I did it dad, i made it” I don't think i ever saw my father get so emotional. It was a relief for me and my family. I had made it, though things were hell at the beginning, I managed to survive.
This is what i remember during those years. 3 days after graduation, a couple of the people that had picked on me had came by my house and they wanted to talk to me. They wanted to apologize for everything that they had done, every beating, every word that was hurtful, pretty much everything. I forgave them, right then and there. With that they left and i felt a huge weight off my back lifted.
Im not asking anybody to feel sorry for me, I just want people to be aware of what i went through, because i know there are others that are going through similar situations like i went though. I send this as a message for anybody that is going through hell right now. Not just with school, but their disabilities as well. That no matter what people tell you or say you can’t do it, that anything is possible if you give it all you got. I am a survivor. This is my story
- Librios
You should consider yourself to be a strong person, for have gone through a hell like that and actually are still here tell about it
That's one valuable thing about going through suffering.
There are people who aren't cruel to autistics just for that fact though. My boyfriend has Aspergers.
I have a similar background, only that I was on the contrary I always had very high grades and a high IQ but I can recall from a medioctre child psychologist having detected autism on me(which is proven fake by then and now), and I gained hatred because of being myself...aparently the other kids didn't like the fact I didn't swear and instead I had knowledge of complex words (for my age)(and used the right way wind up being more hurtful than bad language) and the fact I got along much better with adults or kids much older than with those of my own age.
The only time I've suffered bullying in a serious way was because I allowed it as I didn't find the right way to handle it stupidly thinking I wouldn't be helped anymore by the authority, and I have been victim of a vexation (i.e. the worst beating you can imagine)... with all that I was close to become a serial killer...but promptly I got psychological help...though a recent experience on my last class made me more sociopathic and misanthrope than ever. My grades dropped dramatically on high school, I'm belated two years and I hate humans more than ever.
Repression is bad, m'kay? I haven't been myself fully because I've severelly repressed those aspects of myself my parents strongly tagged as bad. But letting them be kinda feels good.
I can be blunt, emotionless and even sadistic; but stay by my side hun, there things are pretty nice instead.
You are a very strong person, I give you that. :)
Life is full of twists and turns but sometimes we just have to keep going. Its gotten alot better and it will for you too
you have proofen the world and everybody that you are a strong person. Your mind and your soul had withstand all this terror against you. I salute you, buddy.
I just stopped by in your profile, and read carefully this journal entry. It is very breathtaking, my heart is still beating fast. I truly can imagine, how you was punished by the "freaks" from school. I feel for you: Punishment really sucks.
Autism isn't bad at all - mostly these persons do know much more about the world, then the "normal" people do. It hurts my heart to hear in the news, that people, which are becoming parents and see within a genetic test that their baby maybe has got autism - they abort it. As I heard this, I was like asking myself: WHAT? What stupid ignorant idiots of society they were. Who has the right to decide that only "normal" people may have a live and all "unusual" has to be killed? Come on.. We had this shit 70 years ago from a stupid bastard named Hitler - and even if times may have changed - people are still trying to "kill all 'unnormal'" :-/
What is normal and what is 'unnormal' ? I really have a heart for ALL people. No matter of skin color, origin, language, intelligence or whatever else.. It's a matter of behaviour, kindness and helping each other, that is really making the difference. We all ARE one. Definitively. I hope some day we all join hands and help each other - even if this may sound like a fantasy story at this moment..
Thank you for opening your heart and telling us your story.
Feel yourself several times hugged by a young nice Fox from Germany.
Cheers,
Vulpe
Wish you the best!