FA+
Shop
Please Don't Touch Me <Personal, Long>
13 years ago
Journal Headfluff
The following will be displayed at the top of your journal
The following will be displayed at the top of your journal
I've narrowed down my issue and I pretty much know exactly why I hate being touched. I've been trying to write this journal for a few weeks now and I keep deleting it. So, this is going to be incredibly rough, it may be out of order, but I am going to post this journal, regardless.
It comes down to more than just one thing. Which I suspected, but hated pushing. I spoke with someone that was going through school to become a psychiatrist and they graduated, but are awaiting something so that they can open their own practice (I forget what it was, but it's not important). The helped me out because they felt it would help them out a lot as well. We didn't do the typical, lay on the couch and tell me your problems, thing. It was more of; texting, IM'ing, e-mails, calling, Skyping, and anything else we had to contact each other. We did this for a few reasons, mostly to help enhance contact methods to see what works the best (for help with their practice). Anyway, more crap that wasn't important. Moving on!
In 8th grade, my grandfather died. I went to a new school and was getting really good grades, for the first time in my life. I actually enjoyed going to school and had a perfect attendance there. I loved it. After my grandfather died, I felt hollow. I suppose that's natural, most people feel that way after losing someone that they really care for. I loved my grandfather and I still think very highly of him. My mom says he was a drunk, but I can't picture him that way. I just try my best to remember everything he taught me. I eventually got over his death, although that hollow feeling never really passed. I got my puppy Honey about that time and she helped me cope with my grandfathers passing. I directed all my love to her.
High school sucked, but my senior year, I started opening up and talking to people. It was my last year of school, and I loved it. I even met a girl, without even trying! Her name was Sheena, but I called her Starr. She liked the name, and I preferred it. I knew that there was something with Sheena. She had a crush on, but I was too stupid to realize it. A guy in my class walked up and asked if we were a couple. I told him no (while she was laying on me), I had never asked her out and I had never had a girlfriend before, so I didn't know. She sat up and things changed after that.
Once again, I turned to my puppy for comfort. She never failed to make me feel better. I gave her all the love I couldn't give to anyone else. Believe it or not, love is a toxic drug. That's why you have to give it away. If you have too much love, it just sits inside and festers. Nothing good can come from that. But, you have to give your love away to someone else. After someone has gotten a taste for your love, they want more. And you have to keep giving your love, to get love back.
A few years later, my friend Zach died. His mother killed herself, pretty much in front of him. She was also a drug addict. He loved spending time with her, but the only way he could is if he did drugs with her. That was their "together" time. After she died, he tried to clean himself up. He was almost clean, all he had left to kick was the heroine. I made him a promise once, that I would always be there for him. The last night of his life, we were talking on Xbox Live. He had a bad day at work and just wanted to talk to me. I told him I didn't feel like talking because I was tired and wanted to go to bed. Before we stopped talking, he shot up with heroine and told me he was going to sleep too.
I made him a promise and didn't keep it. I loved him like the brother I never had. And at that point in my life, it is quite possible that I loved him more than that. I'll never know how far my love for him went. I blame myself for his death. I've heard it a thousand times and if you tell it to me again, I will not be happy with you. Everyone tells me it's not my fault. Tell me all you want, I blame myself and I'll never stop.
I was hurting. Honey helped me through it. Again and again and again, Honey was always there for me and she never ceased to love me back and always made me feel better. Which is why when she died, I felt suicidal. I've never told anyone that before and it hurts to mention it here. As I sit here typing this, tears are running down my face. I miss my puppy.
After Zach died, I no longer wanted to be touched, by anyone. I would shrug when people touched me, I would give hugs reluctantly, I just overall, wanted nothing to do with human contact. When Honey died though, I went into full retraction. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. Regardless of whether or not they cared about me. I've had people try to help me, but I didn't want help. I made a promise and I failed to keep it. I wanted to be secluded. I started lurking a lot more in the fandom and sought my happiness online.
For a while, it helped. I decided to try going to a convention and thought I would have fun. That worked out a LOT. But it opened up the can of worms that I had been kicking aside. A fursuiter put their hand on my head and patted me. I didn't think much of it until shortly after. Why didn't I freak out? I was confused, but I let it go. It was a fluke, it wouldn't happen again.
But it did. Another fursuiter came too close to my personal space and I couldn't escape. They touched me, and I felt...
Nothing.
Which screwed with me. Big time, screwed with me. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Why didn't I freak out? What was different? I've droned on about it for a long time.
When I moved down to Georgia, my two room mates decided that they were going to try to "help" me as well. Well, they thought it was funny that I laughed uncontrollably and my face turned purple after they molested the hell out of me the first time. Any time after that, I tried my best to control the laughing. But it didn't really seem to help much.
At FWA, I wanted to try hugging some fursuiters and see what happened. I didn't hug any, but when BigTig gave me a hug and I had my picture taken, I felt something that felt foreign and yet familiar to me at the same time. After discussing this with my friend, they told me to try being more social at FCN. Try to hug people, and if not, at least hug some fursuiters. Well, I tried my best and after being pretty unsuccessful, I decided to give up. Which was actually MUCH more productive than trying.
BuckTownTiger (in suit) gave me a hug after his show. Sigdog (in suit) gave me a hug as well. Fayroe (not in suit) tried to give me a hug and I freaked. There were a few more fursuiters that gave me some hugs and Fayroe tried again (twice) and got nowhere (although he seemed satisfied with air hugs). After relaying this information to my friend, we delved in deep and hit rock bottom. They struck a nerve and while it hurt like hell, it also helped a lot.
All of this stuff has contributed and lead up to here. Basically, hugging a fursuiter reminds me of Honey. But what caused this problem to begin with?
I got close to a few people, and whenever I got close to someone, they died (with the exception of Sheena). It seems really simple and I wish I could explain it in greater detail, but that is pretty much it. I have been trying to avoid getting close to people because I don't want to hurt them. It was never about trying to avoid being hurt myself, granted that played a part, it was about trying to protect everyone else. The thought of someone touching me means that they want to form an emotional bond with me. If they do, I am going to be too stupid to see where it goes. If they touch me, I might make a promise that I can't keep. I can't hurt you if you don't touch me.
If people can't touch me, they can't be hurt. It sounds so stupid when you say it out loud. But that's it. I've tried to fight it, I tried to deny it, I tried to come up with excuses. My friend is going to make one HELL of a psychiatrist. They explained everything to me. I wish I could remember how they did it, so I could make it sound less stupid. But, that's it.
Well, with Anthrocon coming up, I have set a goal for myself. I want to hug as many fursuiters as I can. Hopefully, I will be so comfortable with where I've come, that I can hug regular people. I want fast results, but I was told to take it slow. If someone close to me can't hug me, don't hug any strangers.
I am not looking forward to pressing the "Create / Update" button for this journal. I want to bury this deep in the depths of my Recycle Bin. But my friend has threatened to cause me physical harm if I do not post something. They recommended Live Journal so that I could set it to private and show them later. But I really feel that by posting it publicly, and getting feedback from my watchers and friends, I can make more progress. By the way, we did touch base on a few more things and while they might be of some slight importance, these are the main issues that I wanted to share (and can remember).
The fact that I really want to get a fursuit apparently also meant something as well (my friend seemed rather interested in that information, but tried to hide it). So, I have contacted Scribblefox and Firestormsix and I am going to go with one of them. I know that Scribblefox is always open for commissions (and Firestormsix is currently closed), but based on how each of them talked to me, I am leaning more towards one than the other. I don't want to say which one (because something could change my decision), but let's just say I am really big on communication and the more they communicate with me, the easier my decision will be.
I think that just about covers everything though. If not, I'll update so I don't get my ass beat.
It comes down to more than just one thing. Which I suspected, but hated pushing. I spoke with someone that was going through school to become a psychiatrist and they graduated, but are awaiting something so that they can open their own practice (I forget what it was, but it's not important). The helped me out because they felt it would help them out a lot as well. We didn't do the typical, lay on the couch and tell me your problems, thing. It was more of; texting, IM'ing, e-mails, calling, Skyping, and anything else we had to contact each other. We did this for a few reasons, mostly to help enhance contact methods to see what works the best (for help with their practice). Anyway, more crap that wasn't important. Moving on!
In 8th grade, my grandfather died. I went to a new school and was getting really good grades, for the first time in my life. I actually enjoyed going to school and had a perfect attendance there. I loved it. After my grandfather died, I felt hollow. I suppose that's natural, most people feel that way after losing someone that they really care for. I loved my grandfather and I still think very highly of him. My mom says he was a drunk, but I can't picture him that way. I just try my best to remember everything he taught me. I eventually got over his death, although that hollow feeling never really passed. I got my puppy Honey about that time and she helped me cope with my grandfathers passing. I directed all my love to her.
High school sucked, but my senior year, I started opening up and talking to people. It was my last year of school, and I loved it. I even met a girl, without even trying! Her name was Sheena, but I called her Starr. She liked the name, and I preferred it. I knew that there was something with Sheena. She had a crush on, but I was too stupid to realize it. A guy in my class walked up and asked if we were a couple. I told him no (while she was laying on me), I had never asked her out and I had never had a girlfriend before, so I didn't know. She sat up and things changed after that.
Once again, I turned to my puppy for comfort. She never failed to make me feel better. I gave her all the love I couldn't give to anyone else. Believe it or not, love is a toxic drug. That's why you have to give it away. If you have too much love, it just sits inside and festers. Nothing good can come from that. But, you have to give your love away to someone else. After someone has gotten a taste for your love, they want more. And you have to keep giving your love, to get love back.
A few years later, my friend Zach died. His mother killed herself, pretty much in front of him. She was also a drug addict. He loved spending time with her, but the only way he could is if he did drugs with her. That was their "together" time. After she died, he tried to clean himself up. He was almost clean, all he had left to kick was the heroine. I made him a promise once, that I would always be there for him. The last night of his life, we were talking on Xbox Live. He had a bad day at work and just wanted to talk to me. I told him I didn't feel like talking because I was tired and wanted to go to bed. Before we stopped talking, he shot up with heroine and told me he was going to sleep too.
I made him a promise and didn't keep it. I loved him like the brother I never had. And at that point in my life, it is quite possible that I loved him more than that. I'll never know how far my love for him went. I blame myself for his death. I've heard it a thousand times and if you tell it to me again, I will not be happy with you. Everyone tells me it's not my fault. Tell me all you want, I blame myself and I'll never stop.
I was hurting. Honey helped me through it. Again and again and again, Honey was always there for me and she never ceased to love me back and always made me feel better. Which is why when she died, I felt suicidal. I've never told anyone that before and it hurts to mention it here. As I sit here typing this, tears are running down my face. I miss my puppy.
After Zach died, I no longer wanted to be touched, by anyone. I would shrug when people touched me, I would give hugs reluctantly, I just overall, wanted nothing to do with human contact. When Honey died though, I went into full retraction. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. Regardless of whether or not they cared about me. I've had people try to help me, but I didn't want help. I made a promise and I failed to keep it. I wanted to be secluded. I started lurking a lot more in the fandom and sought my happiness online.
For a while, it helped. I decided to try going to a convention and thought I would have fun. That worked out a LOT. But it opened up the can of worms that I had been kicking aside. A fursuiter put their hand on my head and patted me. I didn't think much of it until shortly after. Why didn't I freak out? I was confused, but I let it go. It was a fluke, it wouldn't happen again.
But it did. Another fursuiter came too close to my personal space and I couldn't escape. They touched me, and I felt...
Nothing.
Which screwed with me. Big time, screwed with me. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Why didn't I freak out? What was different? I've droned on about it for a long time.
When I moved down to Georgia, my two room mates decided that they were going to try to "help" me as well. Well, they thought it was funny that I laughed uncontrollably and my face turned purple after they molested the hell out of me the first time. Any time after that, I tried my best to control the laughing. But it didn't really seem to help much.
At FWA, I wanted to try hugging some fursuiters and see what happened. I didn't hug any, but when BigTig gave me a hug and I had my picture taken, I felt something that felt foreign and yet familiar to me at the same time. After discussing this with my friend, they told me to try being more social at FCN. Try to hug people, and if not, at least hug some fursuiters. Well, I tried my best and after being pretty unsuccessful, I decided to give up. Which was actually MUCH more productive than trying.
BuckTownTiger (in suit) gave me a hug after his show. Sigdog (in suit) gave me a hug as well. Fayroe (not in suit) tried to give me a hug and I freaked. There were a few more fursuiters that gave me some hugs and Fayroe tried again (twice) and got nowhere (although he seemed satisfied with air hugs). After relaying this information to my friend, we delved in deep and hit rock bottom. They struck a nerve and while it hurt like hell, it also helped a lot.
All of this stuff has contributed and lead up to here. Basically, hugging a fursuiter reminds me of Honey. But what caused this problem to begin with?
I got close to a few people, and whenever I got close to someone, they died (with the exception of Sheena). It seems really simple and I wish I could explain it in greater detail, but that is pretty much it. I have been trying to avoid getting close to people because I don't want to hurt them. It was never about trying to avoid being hurt myself, granted that played a part, it was about trying to protect everyone else. The thought of someone touching me means that they want to form an emotional bond with me. If they do, I am going to be too stupid to see where it goes. If they touch me, I might make a promise that I can't keep. I can't hurt you if you don't touch me.
If people can't touch me, they can't be hurt. It sounds so stupid when you say it out loud. But that's it. I've tried to fight it, I tried to deny it, I tried to come up with excuses. My friend is going to make one HELL of a psychiatrist. They explained everything to me. I wish I could remember how they did it, so I could make it sound less stupid. But, that's it.
Well, with Anthrocon coming up, I have set a goal for myself. I want to hug as many fursuiters as I can. Hopefully, I will be so comfortable with where I've come, that I can hug regular people. I want fast results, but I was told to take it slow. If someone close to me can't hug me, don't hug any strangers.
I am not looking forward to pressing the "Create / Update" button for this journal. I want to bury this deep in the depths of my Recycle Bin. But my friend has threatened to cause me physical harm if I do not post something. They recommended Live Journal so that I could set it to private and show them later. But I really feel that by posting it publicly, and getting feedback from my watchers and friends, I can make more progress. By the way, we did touch base on a few more things and while they might be of some slight importance, these are the main issues that I wanted to share (and can remember).
The fact that I really want to get a fursuit apparently also meant something as well (my friend seemed rather interested in that information, but tried to hide it). So, I have contacted Scribblefox and Firestormsix and I am going to go with one of them. I know that Scribblefox is always open for commissions (and Firestormsix is currently closed), but based on how each of them talked to me, I am leaning more towards one than the other. I don't want to say which one (because something could change my decision), but let's just say I am really big on communication and the more they communicate with me, the easier my decision will be.
I think that just about covers everything though. If not, I'll update so I don't get my ass beat.
I've felt this exact way for so long in my past to the point of suicidal thoughts because I couldn't give my luv to anyone, it festered inside me so deep and dark. Sad to say that feeling is still lingering deep inside me like a deep scar.
Everything you say here I can relate to an understand completely my friend, my wolf buddy. I hope you figure this out soon so I can hug you ^x^
Hopefully, you'll be able to get passed this in time. Best of luck to you.
I was surprised to see that you finally started attending, and even more surprised to see that you wanted a fursuit, considering the amount of social interaction it tends to invite. Losing a pet is always hard, especially when they've been your crutch for so long, they're family. I hope that one day you can open your heart to a new fuzzy buddy, and maybe a few human ones too.