I've finally found a solution to a lot of things...found the answer to a lot of my problems, and it was something I thought I was already doing...but I was truly, truly wrong. And it was that misunderstanding that made me fearful of so much...so truly much.

I'm shaking as I write this...because of everything going through my mind right now...the amount of emotions I'm feeling are amazing, terrifying, and anomalous...I've finally learned the reason for why people care about me. Why so many people care...and it's not something I can logically process. It's something I have to truly feel with my heart.

I thought I felt with my heart...but I was just thinking I felt whatever the emotion was. I was lying to myself, without even realizing it. I didn't know it was possible...I truly am shocked that I didn't see it before. And so many people tried to help me see it before...So many of my friends, that truly wanted to help, truly wanted to get me to share with them my thoughts, my feelings...but I was so blinded by trying to help them, that pain blinded me. They were warning me...they were telling me to share things with them, because if I didn't, then I would've lost my mind, and my thoughts.

AND I DID...I grew fearful..I lost myself...I lost my playful self...I was consumed by so much pain, it tormented me. I was gasping for breath, just to think of why I was even cared about, thinking it all just brought pain to me. Yet I still wanted to help...but I just didn't know WHY it was ME that was CARED about!

WHY ME? WHY ME? I always asked that damn question...that question that haunted me for so long, that I despised, that I wanted to destroy! I wanted to take it and destroy it...It taunted me, it mocked me, teased me, prodded me, and stabbed me in the heart, time and time again. It infuriated me...and caused me my most suffering...because I didn't understand it at all...I just didn't..and I never could..because I didn't let anyone near my heart...I couldn't let them see or feel what I felt...it was too much...I didn't want to cause pain..I didn't want them to bear the same burden I did.

But...this was wrong...I WAS WRONG...I was an idiot...for ever thinking this! Friends are for love, I said. Friends tell friends everything, I said...AND YET, I WAS A FOOL! I WAS THE BIGGEST IDIOT OF THEM ALL, BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO MYSELF! I was so naive...And the funny, twisted part is...I thought I was showing love, by ignoring their wants and needs to help me back!

To those wondering, I'm not crying...I'm laughing at my own idiocy! I'm actually laughing at myself! No, not in a negative way...it's helping me release this pain and tension! I'm putting passion into this because I actually feel joy! I feel love! Things I thought I felt before, when I didn't actually feel them! They were sham emotions...the only thing real was the pain, and that's only because I didn't know how to let love counter it! I didn't know how to let kindness in...I couldn't accept it! Couldn't let others be more kind to me...it was always me...and in spite of how selfless I was being...I WAS SO FUCKING SELFISH! I HAD TO BE THE KIND ONE, THE CARING ONE! I HAD TO SHOW MORE LOVE...AND WHAT FOR? ATTENTION? MORE LOVE? MORE KINDNESS? NOPE! SIMPLY BECAUSE IT JUST HAD TO BE ME!

I can't believe how full of myself I was, without even seeing it! I thought kindness was love...but the way I carried it out...was selfish...because I let myself take the pain...and I never really opened up...and it's why I stayed away from so many friends for the last two years, possibly more...I let myself bear the pain...I was selfish with pain. Who does that!? It's like I was a masochist!

But now...I see love...I actually see love...not sham love...pure, unfiltered...raw, love...the kind that needs no words...that needs nothing more than me to focus on the one I care about...and to feel their love pour into me...that's what I feel now...I don't need more than that...It doesn't matter if I'm even in a relationship anymore...I could be single for the rest of my life, and as long as I had my friends, I'd be perfectly happy!

So, to those that don't understand...just know, that I'm probably going to try to talk more openly...I used to fear so much...I still kinda fear things, but at least now I can tell my friends about it. The ones that truly understand will be the ones that stay with me. And that's all that matters...and as long as they'll bear with me, in my times of joy and times of sorrow...I think I'll be fine!

If you read this, thank you so very much...And I hope you don't think I'm mad or anything, I'm actually happy right now! A little afraid of what may happen with this, but happy! Because, I'm vulnerable here...but in order to truly have friends, I have to be able to be vulnerable in front of them.