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Thor and the Magic Virgin (snow white and the huntsman)
13 years ago
So I went to see Snow White and the Huntsman, and let me just say it's BAAAAAAAAD.
If you're thinking of seeing it, don't waste your money. Go see the Avengers again, or something.
The visuals are the only thing that come close to saving this movie, and they're just not up to the task.
What's wrong with this movie, you ask?
What's NOT wrong with this movie? Where do I start?
I guess it could try to pass it off as fairy tale whimsy, but nothing anyone does in this movie makes any sense. Yes, I will be getting into spoilers here. But it's snow white. You know what happens.
So the evil queen takes over snow white's kingdom in the first five minutes of the film, after snow's father finds the queen shackled in a supply cart of an army made of stone guys. Why do stone guys even have a supply cart? Do they eat? They just seem like mindless rock suits of armour. Anyway, upon seeing the queen, he immediately falls in love with her and marries her literally the next day. So he's either under her spell, or he's the worlds biggest asshole, for asking a woman he's just freed from bondage and god knows what else to make major life decisions with none of the requisite information, with such a heavy power inequity going on between them. So he might be a huge douche, but I guess I'll go with magic. No one else in the kingdom, including snow, find this odd in the slightest though, so maybe it's just how he rolls.
On their wedding night the Queen stabs Snow's dad, killing him. She then kills the three whole guards they have watching the castle gate, and lets in an entire army that are apparently so sneaky that no one on the walls saw them coming, even though the castle is surrounded by a wide open beach, and they were all wearing black. At this point it strikes me that it would have been much easier to just send a few guys in during the day, through the main gate, who could just wait for nightfall and accomplish the exact same goal without needing to waste a perfectly good magic stone guy army, or rely on the king to be a horny, gullible douche. But whatever, that all works out fine apparently, and the army gets in, led by the Queen's brother, who has the worlds stupidest haircut. Seriously. Bowl-cuts look dignified by comparison. He has worse hair than Captain Planet, or Seymour from Final Fantasy. I didn't think that was a thing you could do.
So they kill basically everyone in the castle, except Snow white..... EXCEPT SNOW WHITE! Why? No reason. Seriously, there isn't one. The Queen's immortal. She doesn't need an heir or anything. Everyone knows she straight up murdered the king, so it's not like she's keeping Snow around as a cover, or to retain some semblance of legitimacy. She just locks her in a cell and leaves her there for about ten years. She's wearing something that looks like it used to be nice, too, and wouldn't have fit her when she was eight. So I guess they were playing dress up at some point. I don't know why else you'd have someone make your perpetual prisoner nice clothes for them to horribly ruin every year or so.
Anyway, a magic magpie lands in her window, prompting her to go to said window and stick her hand out of it as said magpie flies away. Presumably she was trying to catch and eat it, I guess. Apparently she's never looked out her only window before though, cause she notices an eight inch rusty nail that looks like a railroad spike jutting out of the wall, and has absolutely no trouble pulling it free, to use as a weapon. I guess neither curiosity nor boredom led her to actually examine the tiny room she's been locked in for ten years.
A bunch of expository bullshit happens, where the queen sucks the soul out of some ginger girl (which you'd think would backfire or something, wouldn't you? like quenching your thirst by eating sand) and the magic mirror tells her that eating Snow's heart would be a really rad idea. Ofcourse she only sends her brother to fetch Snow, and upon seeing his haircut, she mindlessly attacks him with a railroad spike and flees the castle. Yup. She pretty much just goes. Runs out into the courtyard and into the nearest sewer and she's out. Could have done it years ago when they came to fit her for a new dress. So she takes off into the dark forest and is immediately incapacitated by magic mushrooms. The Queen, therefore, recruits the only man who can survive the dark forest to go and get her.
We're introduced to the Huntsman as a completely unlikable incompetent drunken thief who gets his ass kicked in a bar fight. He doesn't really have an arch. He falls in love with snow white because she's the magic virgin, ofcourse, but so does absolutely everyone else in the movie, so I can't really call it an arch.
Why do I keep calling Snow White the magic virgin? Because her only fucking character trait is being "the one". Apparently she's so virginal and pretty and innocent that nature itself bows to her whims. Old wounds heal in her presence. Anyone who meets her suddenly believes in a cause and will follow her into death, even if what she's saying makes no fucking sense. Monsters will actually just stop fighting and bugger off, just because she's there.
She's not all that nice. She's not really smart. She's certainly not inspiring in anything she does. She's not even really all that pretty, for being "the fairest of them all" unless you're really into buck teeth, glazed eyes, and lifeless flat expressions. Even if you DID find her pretty you'd have to get over the fact that she's completely insane, and willing to sacrifice absolutely anyone's life to fulfil her weakly motivated goal of killing the Queen. That's right. She's insane. She runs headlong into mortal danger, not only without a plan, but without any actual intention of defending herself. Luckily trolls seem to be susceptible to lifeless stares. She walks about muttering to herself about nothing in particular before screaming "IRON MELTS!" at a bewildered group of onlookers. I think the speech that followed was supposed to be A) related to that in some way and B) inspirational. But it mostly just sounded weak, crazy, and like she needed to spend a while lying down after coming back from the dead. Oh yeah, that happens immediately after the curse on her is lifted. Absolutely no one questions why she's just come back to life. They just listen to her ramblings and agree to assault a well defended castle with a witch in it.
The witch, or Queen, by the way, is the only character less sane than Snow. By a LOT. I guess they needed to make her seem sane by comparison or something. But dear god, that woman is chewing up scenery like a caffeinated beaver. That dungeons and dragons movie with Jeremy Irons didn't have acting this bad! She just occasionally starts screaming about how evil she is. Seriously. They write in a weak back story for her like they're trying to make her sympathetic or something, and then do absolutely everything they can to undermine it. There's that theory that bad guys are supposed to think they're good guys. Well the Queen's concession to this is pouring gallons of used milk over the heads of poor people. She actually watches this happen and starts talking in all seriousness about how generous she is.
What do I mean by used milk? Will this happens just as she's taking a bath. In milk. Yes, she fills a small swimming pool at the top of her castle with milk, and takes a bath in it. They mention that her mere presence has cause nature to wither and die throughout the whole kingdom, like Scar, in the Lion King, so I'm not actually sure how she has enough cows to do this. I'm not really sure why she thinks she needs skin treatment, either, considering she uses magic soul sucking powers to keep herself eternally young. Bit redundant. Apparently after she's done with it, the bath drains into pipes which run all the way down the castle and spew out the mouths of gargoyles, into the courtyard. I have no idea why you'd choose this as the place in drains unless you were actively trying to dump it over the heads of homeless people. And if you WERE trying to feed them your used bath milk, couldn't you put something out to catch it? a tub, or even a barrel or something? could you at least give the beggars cups? They just stand around catching it with their faces. And anything they miss goes onto the ground. Are these pipes a recent instillation, or did the last king also dump his bath water on the peasants? I know it has to go somewhere, but you're surrounded by beach and ocean. there are better places.
Did you know there are dwarves in this movie? I didn't. I wondered of course, but they weren't in any of the trailers. But there are dwarves, and you'll recognize most of them. Ian McShane as the lead dwarf! For real! they contribute basically nothing though. I think they're supposed to be comic relief, but nothing funny happens in this movie. And if it did, Kristen Stewart might have a stroke trying to act like she'd just heard a joke.
Why does a huntsman exclusively use axes? What does he hunt? Trees? Shouldn't he have a bow? Shouldn't he have something that would be in any way practical to hunt things with? Okay, so he's the only one who knows the dark forest well enough to survive it. But WHY does he? Why would he ever go in there? There's nothing to hunt. Honestly, there's nothing alive but mushrooms that spew hallucinogenic spores in your face if you go near them. Does he hunt trolls? they're made of wood and rock. I don't think you can eat them. And they don't bug anyone. they live in the forest.
Speaking of the forest, where the fuck IS it?? They SAY it's between the Queen's castle and Prince Charming's castle. Okay, but if that's the case, how did the old half blind fuck that told the prince about snow white make it through? Immediately after he does the prince decides to go save her and everyone starts shooting down the idea because it's impossible to make it through the forest. They're standing literally right next to a guy who JUST came from where the prince is trying to get. instead the prince says he'll find men that know how to get through it to take him. Who does he find? He finds hideous hair, and his posse. But wait, they can't get through the forest! They hired the Huntsmen to take them through, and he abandoned them five feet in, and half of them died. What's worse is, where the fuck did Charming even MEET their posse? They're on opposite sides of the forest, and neither of them can get through. He joined their group to get through a forest that they were already on the other side of, and then he started journeying through it, back towards where he'd come from. Seriously, he's going towards where he already was, straight through the only obstacle stopping him from getting where he's going. And once he gets back to his own castle they immediately decide to go to war with the Queen and then they're at her door with an army. How did the army get through the forest? Okay, so they had the huntsman with them, but his whole method of traveling through it is being careful not to go near any magic mushrooms. How did a hundred guys on horses get through a forest you can barely walk through and avoid the mushrooms? I guess it wasn't a big deal in the first place...
Anyway, the battle is really lame. The castle falls pretty damn easily, for all the fuss they've been making about it. Their only real challenge comes from magic beastie things that the queen makes out of the ten years worth of chewed scenery she had lying around. The queen stands in a fire, burns, and screams at people. Then Snow stabs her and the whole thing basically ends. She gives Luke and Han their medals. We're pretty sure she's gonna end up with Han, but the film never really commits to it. Honestly though, there isn't enough emotional weight to any of it to make you give damn. Also the ginger that the queen sucked the soul out of is apparently fine again. I guess soul sucking the soulless did backfire after all.
I'm sure there's more I could gripe about but this is too long as it is, and the point is, it's shit. Don't see it. BYE! :D
If you're thinking of seeing it, don't waste your money. Go see the Avengers again, or something.
The visuals are the only thing that come close to saving this movie, and they're just not up to the task.
What's wrong with this movie, you ask?
What's NOT wrong with this movie? Where do I start?
I guess it could try to pass it off as fairy tale whimsy, but nothing anyone does in this movie makes any sense. Yes, I will be getting into spoilers here. But it's snow white. You know what happens.
So the evil queen takes over snow white's kingdom in the first five minutes of the film, after snow's father finds the queen shackled in a supply cart of an army made of stone guys. Why do stone guys even have a supply cart? Do they eat? They just seem like mindless rock suits of armour. Anyway, upon seeing the queen, he immediately falls in love with her and marries her literally the next day. So he's either under her spell, or he's the worlds biggest asshole, for asking a woman he's just freed from bondage and god knows what else to make major life decisions with none of the requisite information, with such a heavy power inequity going on between them. So he might be a huge douche, but I guess I'll go with magic. No one else in the kingdom, including snow, find this odd in the slightest though, so maybe it's just how he rolls.
On their wedding night the Queen stabs Snow's dad, killing him. She then kills the three whole guards they have watching the castle gate, and lets in an entire army that are apparently so sneaky that no one on the walls saw them coming, even though the castle is surrounded by a wide open beach, and they were all wearing black. At this point it strikes me that it would have been much easier to just send a few guys in during the day, through the main gate, who could just wait for nightfall and accomplish the exact same goal without needing to waste a perfectly good magic stone guy army, or rely on the king to be a horny, gullible douche. But whatever, that all works out fine apparently, and the army gets in, led by the Queen's brother, who has the worlds stupidest haircut. Seriously. Bowl-cuts look dignified by comparison. He has worse hair than Captain Planet, or Seymour from Final Fantasy. I didn't think that was a thing you could do.
So they kill basically everyone in the castle, except Snow white..... EXCEPT SNOW WHITE! Why? No reason. Seriously, there isn't one. The Queen's immortal. She doesn't need an heir or anything. Everyone knows she straight up murdered the king, so it's not like she's keeping Snow around as a cover, or to retain some semblance of legitimacy. She just locks her in a cell and leaves her there for about ten years. She's wearing something that looks like it used to be nice, too, and wouldn't have fit her when she was eight. So I guess they were playing dress up at some point. I don't know why else you'd have someone make your perpetual prisoner nice clothes for them to horribly ruin every year or so.
Anyway, a magic magpie lands in her window, prompting her to go to said window and stick her hand out of it as said magpie flies away. Presumably she was trying to catch and eat it, I guess. Apparently she's never looked out her only window before though, cause she notices an eight inch rusty nail that looks like a railroad spike jutting out of the wall, and has absolutely no trouble pulling it free, to use as a weapon. I guess neither curiosity nor boredom led her to actually examine the tiny room she's been locked in for ten years.
A bunch of expository bullshit happens, where the queen sucks the soul out of some ginger girl (which you'd think would backfire or something, wouldn't you? like quenching your thirst by eating sand) and the magic mirror tells her that eating Snow's heart would be a really rad idea. Ofcourse she only sends her brother to fetch Snow, and upon seeing his haircut, she mindlessly attacks him with a railroad spike and flees the castle. Yup. She pretty much just goes. Runs out into the courtyard and into the nearest sewer and she's out. Could have done it years ago when they came to fit her for a new dress. So she takes off into the dark forest and is immediately incapacitated by magic mushrooms. The Queen, therefore, recruits the only man who can survive the dark forest to go and get her.
We're introduced to the Huntsman as a completely unlikable incompetent drunken thief who gets his ass kicked in a bar fight. He doesn't really have an arch. He falls in love with snow white because she's the magic virgin, ofcourse, but so does absolutely everyone else in the movie, so I can't really call it an arch.
Why do I keep calling Snow White the magic virgin? Because her only fucking character trait is being "the one". Apparently she's so virginal and pretty and innocent that nature itself bows to her whims. Old wounds heal in her presence. Anyone who meets her suddenly believes in a cause and will follow her into death, even if what she's saying makes no fucking sense. Monsters will actually just stop fighting and bugger off, just because she's there.
She's not all that nice. She's not really smart. She's certainly not inspiring in anything she does. She's not even really all that pretty, for being "the fairest of them all" unless you're really into buck teeth, glazed eyes, and lifeless flat expressions. Even if you DID find her pretty you'd have to get over the fact that she's completely insane, and willing to sacrifice absolutely anyone's life to fulfil her weakly motivated goal of killing the Queen. That's right. She's insane. She runs headlong into mortal danger, not only without a plan, but without any actual intention of defending herself. Luckily trolls seem to be susceptible to lifeless stares. She walks about muttering to herself about nothing in particular before screaming "IRON MELTS!" at a bewildered group of onlookers. I think the speech that followed was supposed to be A) related to that in some way and B) inspirational. But it mostly just sounded weak, crazy, and like she needed to spend a while lying down after coming back from the dead. Oh yeah, that happens immediately after the curse on her is lifted. Absolutely no one questions why she's just come back to life. They just listen to her ramblings and agree to assault a well defended castle with a witch in it.
The witch, or Queen, by the way, is the only character less sane than Snow. By a LOT. I guess they needed to make her seem sane by comparison or something. But dear god, that woman is chewing up scenery like a caffeinated beaver. That dungeons and dragons movie with Jeremy Irons didn't have acting this bad! She just occasionally starts screaming about how evil she is. Seriously. They write in a weak back story for her like they're trying to make her sympathetic or something, and then do absolutely everything they can to undermine it. There's that theory that bad guys are supposed to think they're good guys. Well the Queen's concession to this is pouring gallons of used milk over the heads of poor people. She actually watches this happen and starts talking in all seriousness about how generous she is.
What do I mean by used milk? Will this happens just as she's taking a bath. In milk. Yes, she fills a small swimming pool at the top of her castle with milk, and takes a bath in it. They mention that her mere presence has cause nature to wither and die throughout the whole kingdom, like Scar, in the Lion King, so I'm not actually sure how she has enough cows to do this. I'm not really sure why she thinks she needs skin treatment, either, considering she uses magic soul sucking powers to keep herself eternally young. Bit redundant. Apparently after she's done with it, the bath drains into pipes which run all the way down the castle and spew out the mouths of gargoyles, into the courtyard. I have no idea why you'd choose this as the place in drains unless you were actively trying to dump it over the heads of homeless people. And if you WERE trying to feed them your used bath milk, couldn't you put something out to catch it? a tub, or even a barrel or something? could you at least give the beggars cups? They just stand around catching it with their faces. And anything they miss goes onto the ground. Are these pipes a recent instillation, or did the last king also dump his bath water on the peasants? I know it has to go somewhere, but you're surrounded by beach and ocean. there are better places.
Did you know there are dwarves in this movie? I didn't. I wondered of course, but they weren't in any of the trailers. But there are dwarves, and you'll recognize most of them. Ian McShane as the lead dwarf! For real! they contribute basically nothing though. I think they're supposed to be comic relief, but nothing funny happens in this movie. And if it did, Kristen Stewart might have a stroke trying to act like she'd just heard a joke.
Why does a huntsman exclusively use axes? What does he hunt? Trees? Shouldn't he have a bow? Shouldn't he have something that would be in any way practical to hunt things with? Okay, so he's the only one who knows the dark forest well enough to survive it. But WHY does he? Why would he ever go in there? There's nothing to hunt. Honestly, there's nothing alive but mushrooms that spew hallucinogenic spores in your face if you go near them. Does he hunt trolls? they're made of wood and rock. I don't think you can eat them. And they don't bug anyone. they live in the forest.
Speaking of the forest, where the fuck IS it?? They SAY it's between the Queen's castle and Prince Charming's castle. Okay, but if that's the case, how did the old half blind fuck that told the prince about snow white make it through? Immediately after he does the prince decides to go save her and everyone starts shooting down the idea because it's impossible to make it through the forest. They're standing literally right next to a guy who JUST came from where the prince is trying to get. instead the prince says he'll find men that know how to get through it to take him. Who does he find? He finds hideous hair, and his posse. But wait, they can't get through the forest! They hired the Huntsmen to take them through, and he abandoned them five feet in, and half of them died. What's worse is, where the fuck did Charming even MEET their posse? They're on opposite sides of the forest, and neither of them can get through. He joined their group to get through a forest that they were already on the other side of, and then he started journeying through it, back towards where he'd come from. Seriously, he's going towards where he already was, straight through the only obstacle stopping him from getting where he's going. And once he gets back to his own castle they immediately decide to go to war with the Queen and then they're at her door with an army. How did the army get through the forest? Okay, so they had the huntsman with them, but his whole method of traveling through it is being careful not to go near any magic mushrooms. How did a hundred guys on horses get through a forest you can barely walk through and avoid the mushrooms? I guess it wasn't a big deal in the first place...
Anyway, the battle is really lame. The castle falls pretty damn easily, for all the fuss they've been making about it. Their only real challenge comes from magic beastie things that the queen makes out of the ten years worth of chewed scenery she had lying around. The queen stands in a fire, burns, and screams at people. Then Snow stabs her and the whole thing basically ends. She gives Luke and Han their medals. We're pretty sure she's gonna end up with Han, but the film never really commits to it. Honestly though, there isn't enough emotional weight to any of it to make you give damn. Also the ginger that the queen sucked the soul out of is apparently fine again. I guess soul sucking the soulless did backfire after all.
I'm sure there's more I could gripe about but this is too long as it is, and the point is, it's shit. Don't see it. BYE! :D
How could you possibly think it wouldn't be terrible?!?! XD
It's YOU, mirror. It's YOU. What the christ are you, anyway?"
I'm with Brindle, though: I don't know how this movie was greenlit -- I foresee Razzies galore. Oh, and perpetually mouth-breathing, high-as-a-kite, constantly-constipated-expression-on-her-face Kristen Stewart is more beautiful than Charlize Theron? In what freakin' world!? Lily Collins was a fantastically better Snow White (and Mirror, Mirror was a better movie). For a flick that took itself so seriously, you'd think that the studio would have hired a screenwriter who didn't come off as having all the writing ability of a 7th grader with wish-fulfillment.
The only saving grace was that Charlize Theron looks amazing in every scene and never once phoned in her scenes. Her costume and set design was also something else.
If you see this, do so with the desire to see a bad movie you can laugh about for days.
I absolutely loved at the end how she was sitting there all srs face and she started to smile and I was like "OMG ARE WE GONNA SEE HER SHOW EMOTION AS THE GRAND FINALE OF THE MOVIE?!?!?!" and then it cut right there before she could break full on smile. I laughed so so hard.
Yeeeeeeah.... I've heard nothing but shitty things about this movie other then it's shit or it's just okay. My philosophy is, if it has any of the 3 main cast members of Twilight, (Edward, Jacob, or Bella) it's destined to be a steaming pile of shit. I don't know what Hollywood fucktard thought that Bella was superstar material... but she reeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy needs to stop being in movies. But hey Ian McShane? Ya don't say. I bet he stole the show for what little he was in it.
I really like what you said about the buck teeth, glazed eyes, and lifeless flat expression. The FAIREST of them all? Really? I haven't even seen the queen, but I can guarantee she's a perfect 10 compared to zombie whore... sadly thats an insult to zombies because they have more personality.
I really enjoyed reading this journal though. I love reading about horrible things! Thank you for seeing this piece of shit for me!
Welp, one of them is in a David Cronenberg movie that's coming this year and I don't know what to say about that,
I was drug to it because my sister wanted to see it... thankfully my dad paid that day, though it would have been better to not give money to that aberration.
One more thing that bugged me about Plothole Forest was that the first time they went through it, it took almost no time at all. Then later, it takes them the rest of the entire movie to get back through the damn thing. It was so boring, I couldn't even stand it anymore! The forest was barely interesting to begin with, we didn't need to spend a fucking hour in it on the way back!
I did enjoy watching all the tiny children the parents brought to the theater while they squirmed in uncomfortable confusion at the hallucinogenic demons and such in the beginnings. Parents always seem to think fairy tales = kid's movies.
Lets see how it goes. :P
SO a descendent of Moe from The Three Stooges?