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Aug 03: My Happiness is a House of Cards
13 years ago
|█████|BODY
|█████|MIND
|█████|SOUL
I resonate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VvB_UmmIzk&;
█ A couple of weeks ago my body got sick, and I suppose a few days ago it's my soul that got sick.
It's hard to give such things substance or context, and I have the meters in my journal as a way to try and make how I am something more... tangible.
My default mood is depression, I simply have too many painful and horrible memories for it to be anything else. My heart simply has too many scars, and scars are a reminder of what has happened. It's not a constant reminder, but any time I reflect upon myself I see them. I see them much like how when I look over my own body I'll see a scar here or there reminding me of what caused it. You're never really aware of either unless you're looking for it.
It is because of this that whenever I end up looking upon myself I start to spiral back down to depression, because my confidence and self-worth is a house of cards: It's carefully and delicately assembled over a pit of broken glass, nails, and burning coals.
I suppose a house of cards is an adept metaphor because most things I've assembled through my life have been crushed or destroyed in one way or another. Any sane person would ask the question of "Why do you create, when it's just going to be destroyed and cause you suffering and grief?" and answer with "That is stupid." My answer every time has been and still is "Because I love to." Though even though it's something I love, it's hard to ignore the pain, the hurt, the suffering, the agony. I can't stop creating, because it's the only thing about me I have left that's worth anything; it is the only thing people can judge about me that I have any real care about. It's the only thing left I ache or cry about, or find joy in.
The core of the problem is that my heart is far too heavy, and can easily crush whatever semblance of happiness I manage to cobble for myself, and I've never been able to find away to build in a way in which can manage the burden of my past. Personally I don't want to be petty, I don't want small things to be able to topple me; but I can't change how I feel, I can't change my past, I can't erase my scars. I want to rise about it, but it's hard, when what you stand upon is so fragile.
Having friends does help, I'm not alone as I once was, but having friends doesn't help too much with the problem of self-confidence, worth, and esteem. Some of you might be baffled at such a notion considering what I have created here on FA, but that's simply how it is for me; that despite all the things I've created, the attention I've gotten, the enjoyment provided for others; it doesn't do much for the heart. I think it's simply this: that I'm sharing my heart, my mind, who I am with others; but it doesn't really go the other way around. I suppose such is the reason why celebrities spiral down into paths of self destruction, because they're surrounded by the ravenous masses that want more more more, and think that the attention and money they give is what sustains them; but I think that's a rather hollow and shallow way to look at it.
Such reasons is also why I write journals, because I need some kind of outlet for who I am; and not for simply what I create and present. I wish I could change many things about myself; but who doesn't save for the most self-absorbed of individuals? I wish I could be happier, and I do find it in bits and pieces. It'll have to do, and it's probably enough.
█ I'm trying to do some personal art, and I'll probably resume doing commissions again when I do.
|█████|MIND
|█████|SOUL
I resonate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VvB_UmmIzk&;
█ A couple of weeks ago my body got sick, and I suppose a few days ago it's my soul that got sick.
It's hard to give such things substance or context, and I have the meters in my journal as a way to try and make how I am something more... tangible.
My default mood is depression, I simply have too many painful and horrible memories for it to be anything else. My heart simply has too many scars, and scars are a reminder of what has happened. It's not a constant reminder, but any time I reflect upon myself I see them. I see them much like how when I look over my own body I'll see a scar here or there reminding me of what caused it. You're never really aware of either unless you're looking for it.
It is because of this that whenever I end up looking upon myself I start to spiral back down to depression, because my confidence and self-worth is a house of cards: It's carefully and delicately assembled over a pit of broken glass, nails, and burning coals.
I suppose a house of cards is an adept metaphor because most things I've assembled through my life have been crushed or destroyed in one way or another. Any sane person would ask the question of "Why do you create, when it's just going to be destroyed and cause you suffering and grief?" and answer with "That is stupid." My answer every time has been and still is "Because I love to." Though even though it's something I love, it's hard to ignore the pain, the hurt, the suffering, the agony. I can't stop creating, because it's the only thing about me I have left that's worth anything; it is the only thing people can judge about me that I have any real care about. It's the only thing left I ache or cry about, or find joy in.
The core of the problem is that my heart is far too heavy, and can easily crush whatever semblance of happiness I manage to cobble for myself, and I've never been able to find away to build in a way in which can manage the burden of my past. Personally I don't want to be petty, I don't want small things to be able to topple me; but I can't change how I feel, I can't change my past, I can't erase my scars. I want to rise about it, but it's hard, when what you stand upon is so fragile.
Having friends does help, I'm not alone as I once was, but having friends doesn't help too much with the problem of self-confidence, worth, and esteem. Some of you might be baffled at such a notion considering what I have created here on FA, but that's simply how it is for me; that despite all the things I've created, the attention I've gotten, the enjoyment provided for others; it doesn't do much for the heart. I think it's simply this: that I'm sharing my heart, my mind, who I am with others; but it doesn't really go the other way around. I suppose such is the reason why celebrities spiral down into paths of self destruction, because they're surrounded by the ravenous masses that want more more more, and think that the attention and money they give is what sustains them; but I think that's a rather hollow and shallow way to look at it.
Such reasons is also why I write journals, because I need some kind of outlet for who I am; and not for simply what I create and present. I wish I could change many things about myself; but who doesn't save for the most self-absorbed of individuals? I wish I could be happier, and I do find it in bits and pieces. It'll have to do, and it's probably enough.
█ I'm trying to do some personal art, and I'll probably resume doing commissions again when I do.
without the present there is no future.
And Birthday wishes going out to your welbeing later this month ^^
Don't throw your life away with thinking things are hopeless.
The only advice I can give is what you already stated, except a bit more then that. You get different kinds of friends, there are friends you can talk to and share stuff with and then there are friends that you know, no matter what, they will be there for you. The later is the friends you need when you start spiraling into depression. They wont stop it from happening, but the knowledge that there is someone, that if worst comes to worst, will be there for you, that insures that the depression doesn't last long. It is hard to explain and even though someone might experience this quick turn around a few times, the link is almost never made to close friends. Well, unless they are gone ^^'
Well, there is my 2 cents, might be useless or useful, but it is just some information I gathered through careful observation... Good luck to you though and I hope you can find a solution...
I can only hope that one day soon you find away to keep yourself strong, no one deserves to feel as you do, or have anything about them crushed by depression.
I won't say more, last time I offered similar sympathies to someone on here I was rudely shot down and made to feel like road kill.
I am afraid that I cannot offer much, apart from an ear to listen and a wing to rest on whenever it might be needed :)
Wish I could offer more
Best wishes and hopes, Endium. Find some happiness and feel better soon.
Friends will help you in any way they possibly can, but only if you let them in to do so. But if you think they can't help, then help yourself. When you look back upon the scars on your heart, remember what put them there and what mended them. Do not forget what made the scar, but don't remember that and that alone. Always be sure to remember what helped those wounds heal, whether it was good friends, a joyful pastime or simply the peaceful silence of time's gentle flow. It is these scars and our means of coping with them that mold us into who we are who we become. Our rememberance of these scars' creation gives us strength to get back on our feet when we fall and our rememberance of what helped them heal gives us the confidence to move forward with a bounce in our step, knowing that what helped us stand up after we fell before wil help us again if we fall once more. No problem is shallow, on matter how small it is. If it stands in the way of your mind's path to contentment, it is well worth worrying about. If you feel that time alone can't dispel depression's soot, then start scrubbing the soot away as best you can. Don't stop scrubbing until you see your golden heart's warm luster. If you hit a hard spot and need help, ask for it. If those you ask help from truly care for you, then you should not worry about being a burden to them with your predeciment. What you've gone through is terrible, but we are all blessed with the ability to overcome such things, even more so when we come together and offer assistance in many different ways. Reflect more on times in your life that brought you joy than one times that harbored only misery. And also remember that friends are the most wonderous and blessed of assets in this world. You're lucky to have so many wonderful friends who care about you in this world, but they can help you in so many more ways simply if you give them the utilities to do so. I hope the soot upon your heart can be dispelled very soon. ='u'=
I'm sorry if this doesn't help you. I'm also sorry if what I've said here insults you, in any way. I just wanted to offer some assistance.
The more you personally reveal about yourself, the more I find that we're more alike. And proabably first and foremost, despite that stubbornness and laziness you admit, you need to talk to someone who understand the path you're on. They may be marred by different things, and neither you nor I could understand completely what the other has experienced, since we're very different individuals.
But we know the pain, and the anguish, and having everything you construct stolen out from underneath you, given a quick blast, and having to start again, piece by piece. It never gets easier, but like you said, when you have something you love (or someone), that you honestly do to your soul, you either keep at it, or let a part of yourself die. And quitting, least for me, is never an option.
I'm going to note you soon with means of contacting me (outside of a silly facebook account). I'll leave it to you if you'll want to talk. Can't force you to, despite that you might need it. But I'm here if you need an older goat to talk to who still walks what you're on now.
But I do know that externalizing it, rather than continually internalizing it, can do wonders for your mind and your soul. I read your journals, I take them in, and while I may not always comment, it's largely because I don't know what to say. I think you're donig the right things, in looking into yourself and being honest with yourself, and being honest with us on topics you feel comfortable expressing. Most importantly though, you're being honest with yourself, that you know and acknowledge your faults. While you may not yet know how to overcome them, I hope you know that they can be overcome, and so long as you believe that, those feelings will never drag you all the way down, despite how hard they seem to try.
I hope one day you can find peace and be honestly content. Until that day, be honest and true to yourself, and you will never fall.
I from my own perspective don't understand my own depression, I wish there was an understanding of why I am, and every time I think I understand why.. I realise I don't. I don't know your past, but I can empathise about the feeling, and at the ease happieness can be taken, whilst clambering up to that point is at times so hard, or why you may just appear at the summit. I say cheat when building your house of cards, reinforce it by bending the sides, glue the peices together, and having others to help doesn't go astray to help build.
Your art makes others happy, myself inclusive, only talking for myself, I wouldn't want another to feel that I'm sucking the life out of them with the desire to take.
I don't know you, but thank you for the insight. As with many others, I'd happily talk/write, I can relate my own experiences. I wish you the best.
Your really being, for lack of a better term, incredibly Emo with this. Even if your trying to air out your feeling, the more you tell yourself (and the people around you) that your not confident, talented, or worth anything, then the less of those things you will generally become. I'm not saying that horrible things haven't happened to you, I don't know you so I can't make such assumptions. But the worse you outlook on your life is, the harder it is for you to have a better future. And that dirty little truth about being human; if you want it to get better, slowly over time it will. And no amount of time viewing yourself as non human is going to change that (regrettably).
Unlike most people, I can't feel sorry for you. Your talented, well informed, and in every conversations I've seen you partake in, you've had intelligent or insightful opinions. Despite this, you can't seem to see your own self worth, and considering one reason i love your streams is so i can learn from your art, that just pisses me off. I can't give you any pity because your worth more than pity and I just cant fathom why you would need this journal. The only conclusion I can draw form this is your still young, still over worrying about your place in the world, and still questioning what your not and unable to see both what your are and what you could be. You can hate me all you want, but this is my opinion; people being massacred in Syria need pity. People starving in third world countries need pity. But Olympic athletes and Endium do not need pity.
Aside, high profile people usually fall into a downward spiral because of over reliance on drug use. They fall into drugs simply because their life style requires a much faster abnegation than most people need to, making quick fix substances or other forms of instant gratification their best out (i.e. hookers, clubs, etc). Many superstars don't get a weekend off, and although some of that really is due to constant nagging from their fans causing them to never have any time to be themselves, most of it really just what comes with a high octane life. If your really feeling that pressured to work, just remember you are not supposed to be involved in art for the benefit of others, its meant to be for yourself. If you need a break, then take a break. Because if your art isn't a form of self expression, then it losses all substance and meaning and you really have suddenly sunk into that once A actor that is now on the C list and everyone cringes when they hear that they got another role.
I really think you should go into doing some personal artwork....like paintings, still-life, expressionate artwork. Do something that you can look at, reflect on, and appreciate the time you took into making it.
I know how that feels,have not felt it agian recently but in the past yes.
if there is anything you i can do for you please tell me. i really do want to know. *hugs you very tightly* endium i care about you. please be safe and take care of yourself.
that about all i can really say but there is much much i want to say just cant find the right words to form to say them sadly enough.
I say this as someone who is also having doubts and struggles, wondering why I do what I do and why I keep creating when no one really seems to care. I understand what you're saying, at least in general. I can't really offer any advice, my situation isn't the exact same as yours, and I'm a different person then you are. All I can say is to keep moving forward. Things may get worse, or they may get better. Maybe both. If you need someone to talk to, there's many people around here who would gladly volunteer, myself included. You've done some great things here and the fact that, in spite of everything that may have happened to you, you're still here means you've got something a lot of people don't. Perseverance. Just keep building and sooner or later you'll figure things out.
I know in the end these are just bits and bytes in a computer, words on a screen, but hopefully they help, even just a bit.
You're a great person.
I don't even know you but from lurking and seeing your responses to folks and being one of your watchers for a few years I know this.
Ya got a heart a gold, kid.