In 2007, one of the individuals I was taking care of was a bull calf. He was less than two weeks old when he first came to my pastures, together with his mother and a few other individuals.

In the beginning he was the most shy of them all, and it took a long time for me to earn his trust. His half-sister of the same age as he, was much less shy, and she frequently would explore or examine things in a reckless manner, while he was always very cautious about the same things.

But once I eventually did earn his trust, I was overwhelmed by how fond he became of me. If I was laying down in the pastures to rest, or to sleep, he would come over to me, lay down as close to me as possible and snuggle up. Sometimes, he would lay down on his side and rest his head upon my chest, keeping his nose up against my chin, and sometimes even falling asleep like that.

After having been drinking milk from his mother, and his mother wanted to groom and lick him, he would instead run up to me, because my grooming was more gentle and less harsh than the way she did it. I have to say that she was one of the roughest licking cows I have ever met, so I do understand why he would prefer my grooming, but... it was still another thing that felt very charming to me, that he'd prefer my touch over the touch of his mother.

When he was exploring different parts of the pasture, or new and slightly scaring things, he would be much more brave if I was by his side. My presence beside him would encourage him, and make him feel safe. If other humans came by, he would be scared of them, unless I was there beside him, and if something ever scared him, he would run up to me.

I guess I don't need to say that it was impossible for me to not feel incredibly touched and honoured that this sweet and sensitive bull calf would choose me as his protector to such a level. Of course, sleeping beside him, being with him while he was grazing and exploring, grooming him and in turn being licked by him, I did form a bond closer to him than I have formed with any other living being, whether human or non-human. He felt like my little brother.

I guess it helps that I am identifying myself as a bovine as well. I always enjoy to spend as much time as possible together with the herds I am taking care of, as my goal is to be integrated into the herd and seen by them as just another herd-member, albeit the herd-member to bring them food, water, and to seeing that they are well and healthy. Unfortunately, also the herd-member that has to disappear away from the herd to go to work on a lot of days.

But it is always very special when you become something more than just a herd member, when you become chosen as the one herd member to spend time with, when you become chosen to become someone's first choice for being a companion.


In hindsight, I was such an idiot, not to realize that I would miss him beyond belief when he was to be taken away. I am only taking care of other people's cattle, and when winter comes the cattle goes away, and I will never see those individuals again.

Of course, every year, there will be individuals that I miss more than the others. But, of course, with the bull calf of 2007, the blow would be much harder than that.

If I had known then, what I know now, I would have arranged something. I would have tried everything in my might to somehow buy him, and try to pay for someone to keep him during winters, and I could keep him during summers etc. Of course, there were many difficulties about this. I knew in 2007, that I would eventually have to sell my farm, which I just did a few months ago.

But... what on earth are practical difficulties compared to losing such a close companion, and compared to betraying the trust of someone who has trusted you to always be there for him. Well, I wasn't there for him when he needed me, and this is something that has caused me tremendous amount of guilt.

And this is different than just letting a dog go to different owners or so... Me not arranging to buy the bull calf, meant certain death for him. And given how sensitive he was, and how terrified he was of new and different situations, I know that when he would have to be reloaded into lorries and shipped off to a slaughterhouse, the experience would be nothing but utter torture and complete panic and pain for him.

So, in short, by not being there for my bull calf when he needed me most, meant that I was betraying the trust of the one individual who trusted me the most. The one individual who had purely chosen me to be his closest friend.

I cannot think of a worse crime than letting your best friend down when he needs you the most. Of not saving your best friend from cruel, needless death.

During 2009, I was on sickleave from work due to stress-related symptoms, which of course were a mix of many different things, but one of the greatest reasons for me feeling depressed and ill during the last five years, were sorrow, grief, guilt and shame over letting my bull calf down.

It is only now, that I have finally, eventually come to terms that it does not matter how much guilt or shame I feel. What is done is done. I should have done differently. But feeling guilt and grief won't make things right again. Of course this is an easy thing to say, but it is a different thing to truly feel it. And now, for the first time... I can finally say it and mean it.

Before, I felt that if I stop grieving, it would mean that I am diminishing the error I have done, and that I am diminishing how truly wonderful the bull calf was, and how much he meant to me.

But, there is truly no point in me continuing to grieve and hate myself for this. The bull calf was still the most wonderful individual I have ever met. Nothing can diminish how truly wonderful he was.

I have made a promise to myself, that I will eventually get my own farm, and I will eventually be able to care for bovines, and provide them with long, good, healthy, happy lives, without them having to be part of any kind of production.

It won't bring the bull calf back, and it won't erase the suffering I caused him. But I will not make the same mistake again.

I have not posted any pictures of the bull calf here before, not before writing this journal. Because... I cannot bear to post a picture of him with the simple description of "this is a bull calf". He is so much more than that. And... I have not been healed from my grief and guilt until now, so the thought of spilling all the pain out again in text have been unbearable.

It has taken 5 years to heal from the pain and guilt. I could not have done it without the help of some of my great friends, which have all been supportive and caring of me during my time of guilt. There is especially one great friend of mine, who has been actively helping me through these years, and I am endlessly thankful to him.

Oh, and to make a long journal even longer, I should add; my fursona is a blend of me and this very special bull calf. I just never knew what to pick, how I should look. I know how I feel inside, and I feel like a bovine in a human body. But how would I know how I look? What species of bovine? What breed of bovine?

I could have been Wisent, I could have been Charolais, Limousin or Angus... I just could not choose. Until it hit me.

I know it is a cliche... but... the bull calf is forever a part of me. He exists in my memory, he exists in my heart. And he will always be there. Thus he is a part of me... and... thus... my fursona should be a blend of me (the human my body unfortunately is), and the bovine inside of me. The most tangible bovine inside of me, is of course... the bull calf, and thus, my fursona's appearance is a blend between him and me.