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Oct 15: Crossroad
13 years ago
If you are reading this, then I assume that you're among those who like to know about 'stuff' outside of art that shows up on FA; which is a good thing because that's all I can offer at this point.
What's the crossroad I'm at? I suppose I'm not sure if my time at FA is done or not. I've been here a little while (or a long while depending on one's perception of time) and for the most part I've done what I originally set out to do. Course my original intent was to simply share my thoughts/ideas/art to sort of fill a kind of niche of content that was on the rare side (still is, but one artist wasn't going to change that) I've more or less expressed all the ideas I've wanted to, and in a sense my cupth runs dry. This by itself isn't really a problem, I probably could keep repeating, improving, adding slight twists to what I've done in the past for a long time to come.
I suppose the problem creeps in due to my emotional instability. This isn't to say I'm crazy crazy, my logical mind prevents that; however the problem is more central to my artistic drive and ability which is rather powerfully linked to my emotional state. That unfortunately gets tested, strained, and broken far more often than I've revealed. I still do or did this kind of stuff primarily for fun and personal enjoyment, but there are just things that creep in that takes the fun away. The main thing is the disappointment of others in whatever form it may come, and this creeps in all sorts of ways. Of course this is a larger problem of "You can't please everyone" but I do my best to find what works best because that's just how it works for me.
To elaborate on this, at a very young age a space was carved out of who I was that was to be filled with disappointment, sorrow, and emptiness. It's not something I wanted, it's simply the end result when something you cherish and love deeply (whatever it may be) is ripped from you. It's happened to me perhaps just under a dozen times throughout my life, I certainly don't want to think about each event to give them a number right now. Though that isn't the point, the point is that the last few negative thing that happens to me will sit in that place in my mind for a long time; and it will eat around the edges of my conscious thought. Sometimes I can catch myself slipping to that thought and stop it, other times I can't. Such things makes my life on a whole more unpleasant, and perhaps is the main reason why I keep to myself, why I keep my emotions and heart locked away. Though I'm still a person, and I open up a little now and then; but that just opens me up to more emotional stress and trauma.
Which of course brings me to why this is a crossroads, because if that was all that I considered I'd of course would have said my farewells and goodbyes. It's of course not. I do enjoy the flip side of the equation of having the occasional company of like minded folk. It's nice to know that my madness is not isolated, and that what I consider to be fun and interesting can be enjoyed and shared. It's just harder for that kind of thing to reach me because of my life's journey, been hurt far too many times to ever drop down all my defenses; but life keeps showing me why I need to keep at least some up at all times. Though to be fair, my time on FA has been one of the periods of my life in where I could have my guard down for the most part for longer than any other part of my time on Earth. Another way to put it I guess, is that it's hard to stop being a warrior when all you've done is fought all your life.
I'm trying to come to grips of what I've done here on FA, and where I want to go with it; the answer is kinda fuzzy. Even going 'nowhere' with it might be okay with me. I'm not a strong person, and for the most part I'm 'alone.' These things might fly in the face of everyone else perceptions of who I am, and what I outta be experiencing, but reality is a personal thing. It's why people give up on life despite having friends and family, because their love wasn't enough to reinforce them from the pain they were experiencing.
I've mentioned on past occasions that it's 5% of who I am on a whole that is essentially who Endium is and that which makes the stuff you see here on FA 'function' but that part of me is currently spent, idle, and or gone. I wouldn't go as far as to say that means all that I do is a farce or a lie (not that anyone would) but the internet is a place of projections; where you do things and act out in ways you probably wouldn't in the 'real.'
Perhaps an underlying problem when I think about it, is that I've let my personal suffering bleed out into the 5% of me who has never suffered before, and because of that I've had to stop on several occasions to really prevent it from getting 'worse'
At any rate, such are the thoughts I've been wrestling with for the past while, and I'll see if I have it in me to continue my journey through here. Though in either case I wouldn't worry about my gallery here, I have no intention of removing it. If you're to worry should panic over thoughts about every FA server and it's backups spontaneously combusting.
What's the crossroad I'm at? I suppose I'm not sure if my time at FA is done or not. I've been here a little while (or a long while depending on one's perception of time) and for the most part I've done what I originally set out to do. Course my original intent was to simply share my thoughts/ideas/art to sort of fill a kind of niche of content that was on the rare side (still is, but one artist wasn't going to change that) I've more or less expressed all the ideas I've wanted to, and in a sense my cupth runs dry. This by itself isn't really a problem, I probably could keep repeating, improving, adding slight twists to what I've done in the past for a long time to come.
I suppose the problem creeps in due to my emotional instability. This isn't to say I'm crazy crazy, my logical mind prevents that; however the problem is more central to my artistic drive and ability which is rather powerfully linked to my emotional state. That unfortunately gets tested, strained, and broken far more often than I've revealed. I still do or did this kind of stuff primarily for fun and personal enjoyment, but there are just things that creep in that takes the fun away. The main thing is the disappointment of others in whatever form it may come, and this creeps in all sorts of ways. Of course this is a larger problem of "You can't please everyone" but I do my best to find what works best because that's just how it works for me.
To elaborate on this, at a very young age a space was carved out of who I was that was to be filled with disappointment, sorrow, and emptiness. It's not something I wanted, it's simply the end result when something you cherish and love deeply (whatever it may be) is ripped from you. It's happened to me perhaps just under a dozen times throughout my life, I certainly don't want to think about each event to give them a number right now. Though that isn't the point, the point is that the last few negative thing that happens to me will sit in that place in my mind for a long time; and it will eat around the edges of my conscious thought. Sometimes I can catch myself slipping to that thought and stop it, other times I can't. Such things makes my life on a whole more unpleasant, and perhaps is the main reason why I keep to myself, why I keep my emotions and heart locked away. Though I'm still a person, and I open up a little now and then; but that just opens me up to more emotional stress and trauma.
Which of course brings me to why this is a crossroads, because if that was all that I considered I'd of course would have said my farewells and goodbyes. It's of course not. I do enjoy the flip side of the equation of having the occasional company of like minded folk. It's nice to know that my madness is not isolated, and that what I consider to be fun and interesting can be enjoyed and shared. It's just harder for that kind of thing to reach me because of my life's journey, been hurt far too many times to ever drop down all my defenses; but life keeps showing me why I need to keep at least some up at all times. Though to be fair, my time on FA has been one of the periods of my life in where I could have my guard down for the most part for longer than any other part of my time on Earth. Another way to put it I guess, is that it's hard to stop being a warrior when all you've done is fought all your life.
I'm trying to come to grips of what I've done here on FA, and where I want to go with it; the answer is kinda fuzzy. Even going 'nowhere' with it might be okay with me. I'm not a strong person, and for the most part I'm 'alone.' These things might fly in the face of everyone else perceptions of who I am, and what I outta be experiencing, but reality is a personal thing. It's why people give up on life despite having friends and family, because their love wasn't enough to reinforce them from the pain they were experiencing.
I've mentioned on past occasions that it's 5% of who I am on a whole that is essentially who Endium is and that which makes the stuff you see here on FA 'function' but that part of me is currently spent, idle, and or gone. I wouldn't go as far as to say that means all that I do is a farce or a lie (not that anyone would) but the internet is a place of projections; where you do things and act out in ways you probably wouldn't in the 'real.'
Perhaps an underlying problem when I think about it, is that I've let my personal suffering bleed out into the 5% of me who has never suffered before, and because of that I've had to stop on several occasions to really prevent it from getting 'worse'
At any rate, such are the thoughts I've been wrestling with for the past while, and I'll see if I have it in me to continue my journey through here. Though in either case I wouldn't worry about my gallery here, I have no intention of removing it. If you're to worry should panic over thoughts about every FA server and it's backups spontaneously combusting.
and if you ever need someone to talk to i'm always willing to listen and help in whatever ways i can manage so feel free to send me a note or something
But even aside from that, from what little we have talked in streams or notes...it's been fun and certainly wouldn't mind chatting more. :)
Checking your shouts (didn't realise you were absent for that long. I almost expect it, but attribute it to art-block or real-life busy-ness) it looks like you've got social contacts that function even while you're away from FA.
That's good. I'm not one of them, probably won't be (I don't trust the internet to such a degree that my FA is totally isolated from everything else online) but you've got at least one long-time FA friend as far as I can tell, and a whole clique of bondage-prone dragons.
See, mostly this makes me hate people who complain about free content, graciously donated by others for all to see, a little bit more.
Personally, I hope the good is enough to outweigh the bad for you. It might not be. It's horrible to think that it wouldn't be based on the ass-hats who just bitch and complain because they saw something they didn't want to see and they can hide behind their anonymity.
Your art of slave-balls, slubbers (well, slubber-ish things), latex-drones... a lot of things that being on FA has awakened my deep-seated like of. Your "bag of holding" bondage ideas (something I didn't even think of and immediately loved) are what I remember most about you.
You uploaded a few story pieces. You described things wonderfully, and artistically you did squirming scalies in latex in a way that was always enjoyable.
You are at a crossroads. I hope the brighter path is that you stay here. But it's your choice. At least it's not a bridge that you need to burn (either before or after you cross it). FA will still be here either way. You can always come back.
...unless you forget your password I guess. That'd suck.
I know i am one of the really easy customers to please (possibly the easiest, unless it came to referebce sheets), but I have heard similar sentiments before. I can understand that you love to draw art and please people, and that a simple fear of failure or disappointmen can dampen that boon entirely.
I know this is more than you probably wished to share, but thank you for doing so :) ever since i read sone if your previous journals when i first started watching you, i've worried about you.
But as much sympathy as people may offer, I can tell that right now you're not looking for much. So I offer advice instead:
Go with your gut.
Think it over and go with what you feel is right. Whether that may entail creating an entirely new alias and drawing art in there or leaving this website entirely. You know that you have the support of all of your fans, and given what you've written, I would say your job here is done. You've created something original and so niche that other artists are liking these ideas or getting requests for them. Your illustrations and explanationa are more than enough basis for anyone to go and build from here.
You can easily stay, but if you wanted to be free from constraints and flex your creativity, you may need to draw art from at least a little of the other 95% of you. And personally, I'd still watch and follow you if all of a sudden you started drawing nothing but rainbows, dandylions and fluffy kittens.
Do what makes you happy, and do what you feel is right.
The D-Rings and other things... Hell, I know I'd sponsor someone to use your 'research notes' to continue it. The real niche is that very few people use flash to draw with, thinking that they can get by with sketches and Photoshop.
Your work is a lot more alive than anything else in the community, and that's what counts.
if you do decide to leave, i hope you find your niche like so many others have done before.
we will miss you, endium. and you too, erinsis.
I don't think there's a whole lot I can say here, but I just wanted you to know that you're awesome. You're art is fantastic, and I think it has a lot of emotional/psychological depth to it. Your journals have always been sincere and illuminating too; one of my best friends has had pretty rough life with more than his fair share of dissapointment and pain. Having helped him through most of it for years, I can fully appreciate what it's like not to feel like you belong, wherever that might be.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope things work out well for you.
Take care, Endium.
I sure enjoyed the art and your dragons are nice to the eyes. ^'===='^
I can understand some of what you say. I've been struggling for a few years now with issues of my own. In the past few months, it's gotten much worse. I can't find it in myself to write anymore, it's lost it's fun. I've gotten to the point in the last month where I considered some very permanent actions. It was only thanks to a few individuals who continue to offer their support that I'm still around.
I could write paragraphs of sympathy, but I know that when I was having troubles in my life, I didn't want sympathy. So I'll leave some advice that a friend gave me that helped me out. It'll sound corny and old-fashioned, but whatever.
Trust your instincts, your gut feeling. Go with what feels right, whatever it might be. Just don't give up.
I can't offer anything else but that. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn't. Either way, whatever you do, I wish you the best.
Just remember that there is somewhere you are always welcome.
Obviously from a selfish point of view I'd like to see you stay and continue, but more than that I'd like to see you do what's best for you. Whether you stay or not, I'll be glad to have enjoyed your art and have occasionally been a part of it during your time here.
I also wish you the best in your continued efforts to combat your demons and live a fulfilling life. My optimism may, as always, be annoying, but while life may be difficult I have every confidence that things will continue to improve for you.
About making a journal like this in the first place: at the end of the day, the best place to look for advice will be your self. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, as long as your alive you can keep working for a better tomorrow and figuring out what does and doesn't work for you is the only way to find that out. Do the things out of your control suck? Hell yeah, but focusing on it won't make it better. Does the sanguine nature of the people around you totally frustrating? Sure is, but you can change that, nature is a bitch at the best of times. What makes you happy/proud/livid... anything that makes you feel alive, those are the only things really worth focusing your energy on. If your not finding that lately, then you might be walking down the wrong road. But that's whats funny, we use terms like crossroads in an absolute sense. But heck, if you start do go down one path and don't like it, you don't have to stick with it. And hell, on the road of life you can't even retrace your steps. But you can make a new crossroad, any time you want. Nice that its not set in stone.
If the people don't remember you fondly for whom you are, those people aren't worth your time. That being said, there will always be people who will remember you, even if you never know it. This is true for everyone so don't think you have to be something your not to get what you want out of life.
And one last note (and please don't take this the wrong way): Don't be afraid to want to talk to a shrink. Simply put, airing your feeling out like this, especially while not airing out why you feel like this, really wont cut it. If you have very serious emotional issues, a tried professional will have no trouble helping you get through them (and I'm pretty sure no one here is one such individual.) While it sucks to have to pay to talk to someone, it really does help. It sounds like you've got some long term wounds and while time will lesson all those burdens, a few sessions will greatly speed up that process and get you ready to move on with your life. Just sayin.
P.S. I am going to miss shadow. Thanks for making so many marks in our life.
As for how people act on the internet, I don't believe that people usually really act like themselves online or offline, but that a mixture of the two can allow you to glean the true personality behind it. I talk very formally and at a notable extent online, but offline I say short, brief statements, avoiding involvement in other people's issues. I usually try to use fancy words to put them off guard so they'll leave me alone, too. Online, I think very analytically, wanting to know everything so I can pick it apart and figure out how it works, and the urge is so strong it is sometimes difficult to know whether I like someone as a friend or as a specimen, and the issue leaks into real life, although my period of interest is usually a bit shorter.
From the two states you can gather I am quite curious, wanting to learn more, but that I shy away from unfamiliarity. I will gladly pursue a channel of interest, but I may be leery about investigating an unrelated field. From details I haven't mentioned, and those I have, I like fixing things, especially people, wanting to help someone through emotional troubles and emerge better than before, or at least better than they would have on their own. Of course, just meeting me online, you might think me pompous or aloof, or in person timid or moody, but neither can be a determining factor alone.
Like what others post before me and myself thinks of all the amount of stress you have, we all hope you can overcome it all and as soon everything is going alright again, we will soon see you once again and resume your normal duties on FA because you got a lot of fans that really like your art, flashes, everything, your like a FA original, Personally, this is my heart talking, I really hoe you get better *Hugs*.
Everything will be ok Endium, I'm here for you :)
And I just wanted to thank you for letting me participate in that massive group pic again, although I've changed my sona since then, I am still so happy that you let me in. I was so happy back then when I first saw it, just wanted to let you know.
The sheer amount of high-quality artwork you have produced for the community is simply staggering. I have no idea how you were able to keep that up for as long as you did. Hopefully you were able to keep it fun the entire time, and not simply out of unrealistic expectations or for fear of disappointing us. Let one thing be clear: you owe us nothing. You have already been more than generous with your time and sharing your wonderful talent with us.
Thanks so much for making us happy with your artwork when you may not have always been happy yourself. This is just but one example of your selflessness. Perhaps it is time for a break; a nice, long break. This will allow you time to clear your head and decide what you really want. I'm talking about a break where you don't even come back here at all for an indeterminable amount of time.
If during this break, you feel that you are not missing this place at all, then your answer is easy. If you start to feel a sort of "homesickness" in a way, then it was a good test for you to do to prove to yourself that this is a place where you feel you belong. Those of us that you would consider friends here would probably not judge you either way for your decision, but I'm sure selfishly we would all wish for you to stay. In the end, you have to do what is right for you.
I'm glad that you have decided not to destroy any of the fantastic artwork you have produced for us here as you go down your new path. I'm still catching up from a so-called hiatus of my own from years back (due to RL busy-ness), and I have not even properly checked out your full gallery yet. I appreciate you leaving it up so I can one-day peruse it.
I hope you can find a way to happiness in this lifetime Endium. I'm sure a lot of us have dealt with our own emotional/mental problems from time-to-time; perhaps not as bad as yours, but maybe some of us can help you, or offer a shoulder to lean on when you need it. Just never feel like you are alone at any time.
I wish you all the best! Let us know if you need anything! Good luck! ^.=.^
but whatever you need im always around, just send a note or something
As I said before, you cannot keep dwelling in the past, as you will find it will prevent you from making progress in the future. All you can do is reflect, and move on. I too have suffered great dissapointments: Sexual assault from one of my cousins, death of my mother and several relatives within a short time frame, dissapointment with my appearance and insecurity, and bearing the pain of the world (so to speak). Though I have learned to harness that feeling of anger and dissapointment to help me do something. My dad once gave me advice that I often say to myself from time to time "okay, good....you're angry. Now do something about it". Don't keep wallowing in that dark place, as it will get you nowhere, and provide you with nothing unless you learn from it and use it to your advantage. You have no idea what you are capable of...and you are capable of so much more. Do not limit yourself to FA.
You have my support Endium! Whatever you decide, its for the better. Get well mate and keep on living!
I'm not sure if you believe in any of this stuff like meditation and crystal therapy, past lives or spirits. But I want to help you and that's the kind of stuff I know more about. The best thing I can tell you is to go where your heart leads you, and do what you truly believe will help you become whole again. :3 And don't worry about making the wrong choice. If you made the decision yourself, from within, it's the right one.
Going back to the "alone" factor, I kinda feel the same way in my personal life, but honestly, I wouldn't change that if given the option. Perhaps part of the reason I got involved with FurAffinity, SoFurry, etc. was due to that. I remember nights I would browse the internet, and names like Guardian Hawk, Endium, Fortuna, SabreDragon and TheLonelyDragon would show up. The only one I've really gotten to know is Sabre and I can tell we've got several things in common. I'd have to say, even applying to the ones I don't know, they feel like my second family in a certain way. Hell, if I may accredit them, they helped form the thing I am currently - a psychotic outcast with some 'odd' interests and very few friends who understand. Not meant as an offense in any way; I love what I am, and wouldn't change it for the world.
Well, that's about all I can offer. Aside from just being thankful that you're yourself and not something someone else wants you to be. You're not alone - We're here for you. Consider it a distant family. Everyone here is with you, Endium!
~Diablodon - Someone who understands~
if not beening on FA really is helping you then by all means do what you must to stay off it. i only wish i could have gotten to know you better before as they say "shit hits the fan". maybe one day i can be one of those people to help you and hug you and pick you up and carry you upwards. because belive me when i say this. i am a warrior as well. i might not have the same problems you do but life hasnt been very kind too me either that about all i want to say what has happen too me. i guess the point is of all this is i wrote was to say that i do miss you but i want you to feel better again before comeing back. the fact i miss this joural is because my health has been acting up and all i been doing lately is laying down and resting. anyway endium or whatever you want to be called. just know that i am here for you. i might not know you well but that is the point. i wish you know you more.
i hope you get a chance to read this at the very least.
your friend kiru (aka icedrake20)