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UGH! Chaos and Drama (or Keep yer Llamas at home plz?!)
13 years ago
So, let me tell you where I've been this past month plus.
The land of insanity. No seriously. My family is twisted and broken in so many ways. There are a few gems here and there, but no amount of kiddie-whine compares to the most royal screwed-up-ness of my family.
First, my personal relationship has tanked. I'm of the mind that it is done, he just won't openly admit to it or just say "we are done". He is also the type to say "well neither will you", to put it on my shoulders so HE doesn't look like the bad guy. Seriously. As we have kids together he's "trying" to be "big" about things. I don't think he's realized how badly things are broken here. But he will once I can get my hands on a lawyer.
I do NOT appreciate my basic emotional needs being ignored just because he doesn't have the time for me, or sees me as some kind of burden. I'm sorry if it requires me to WORK to be told "I love you" - that just doesn't swing in my book.
Secondly, my gram was being neglected by her son (my uncle) who is also a drug addict. Someone out of my family had to move in. No one else was "conveniently available." Just me and my broken relationship.... go figure. So now it's my 1 yr old, my gram, who is physically disabled enough that she is almost to the state of a physical 1 yr old (needs - like feeding her meals, washing her dishes, thank goodness medicare covers an at home nurse so she can be bathed - I'm afraid of hurting her).
My uncle WAS here, however he went on some kind of twisted drugged out trip, regressed to a point in his past where his family was being threatened (yes with death - from some drug lord who used to live in town), pulled a knife, and DEMANDED (with the "or else" clause spoken in his eyes - anyone with parents or facing an abuser KNOWS that look - it's unmistakable) that I call 911 "if you love my parents as much as I do". So goodness only knows, in his regressed overlay state of mind, WHO hw thought I was.
My son (6) and daughter (1) were with me watching tv at the time. So I grabbed the phone, called 911 like he yelled at me to, then bundled them up into the front room, and closed the door as a barrier, thanking the powers that be that he only had a chef's knife and NOT a gun. THEN I called 911 AGAIN and fully explained the scenario.
Suffice to say, he's in jail as he leaped from the house, knife in hand and at the ready. He nearly got shot.
I am still dealing with the emotional, physical, mental, and moronic repercussions of this. I OWE a good friend of mine money (I was supposed to have moved in with her and her family back in October. And now they are getting evicted - yes because I couldn't get them rent money).... UGH..
When it rains it pours.
Of course I'm an artistic NOBODY, and rarely has my pleas for help been heard. When they have - not enough of an interest. My art just doesn't compare to some of my (previous) peers as ,ost of my time has been devoted to my family and not my art. Urgh.
I'm so sick of it. It takes so much time and effort - and I have no one to help me be the artist I can be..... Nor the parent support I need from my kids' father. He thinks bringing in the money is all he needs to do. If I "need" him to do anything else (like ya know BE a parent) I have to ASK HIM FOR HELP. Every. Single. Time.
I needed my kids' father to be a father, and not go hide in his room and socialize online (ignoring me and the kids).
Add to that, he was put in charge of finances (I got tired of his stupid guilt tripping, and it backfired on me - he tried to turn me into a wage slave). - well he got his own account, and left my old one to rot. ONE OF HIS BILLS hit my account, tripped into the negatives (more the once) he never took care of his debt, and my account (two of three) were forced closed. My savings account will be next... and you know what banks do then? They freaking BLACKLIST YOU and it becomes almost impossible to get a new account open. Does he gets this? Nope, as it's never happened to him, and what comes out of my mouth, in his opinion, is bullshit and conjecture - not experience, not knowledge, not wisdom from learning from both my and others' mistakes - nope. He treats me like I don't know what I'm talking about - but doesn't bother asking, either, to verify it.
*sighs* ah but that's an entire, totally different tangent....
I need right now is to foot my friends something like 1k to help them move at the least (and pay what I socially/physically/financially owe then).
Fiverr has helped me with some pocket change (which gets invested back into making my gigs better - like buying stock images, and equipment, etc). But it doesn't generate fast enough. I wish I had a downloadable document or something I could share with people who'd buy it for five bucks or something... *sighs*
I do make headers, banners ads, and the like - but no one from my other networks are biting. Why? Most art artist's of their own and do their own adverts. I also do not have time to devote to a lot of things - and as it is I OWE posts to the d20 community and ART to other art swaps.
>.<
Hopefully things get settled here soon. I can't keep going like this. I'm close to burn out, and my normal outlet (art) is mostly cut off from me. So much so I'm a wee bit (ok a LOT) overly happy when I get a Fiverr Gig in that is graphics related! dear lord! Like xmas excited!
*sighs*
Some days I ponder if it's worth it to just be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and just not give a poop. The only thing right now that keeps me going is knowing I can't let my kid's dad have the kids to his own devices. I can't.
I mean seriously - the 13yr old in my little family now gone bust (his biological kid), just had her foundation ripped away from her (me) and went suicidal. Thank the powers that be I instilled in her the acceptance to go to the counselors at her school. Lord. She might be dead now. He father just doesn't understand (and is offended that he's not her foundation... and wonders what I did to her). *rolls eyes* He is offended... OFFENDED?!
ACK.. no I won't start that tangent. Enough is enough drama Llama! GO AWAY! For the love of all that is sacred, Give Me SOME PEACE!
The land of insanity. No seriously. My family is twisted and broken in so many ways. There are a few gems here and there, but no amount of kiddie-whine compares to the most royal screwed-up-ness of my family.
First, my personal relationship has tanked. I'm of the mind that it is done, he just won't openly admit to it or just say "we are done". He is also the type to say "well neither will you", to put it on my shoulders so HE doesn't look like the bad guy. Seriously. As we have kids together he's "trying" to be "big" about things. I don't think he's realized how badly things are broken here. But he will once I can get my hands on a lawyer.
I do NOT appreciate my basic emotional needs being ignored just because he doesn't have the time for me, or sees me as some kind of burden. I'm sorry if it requires me to WORK to be told "I love you" - that just doesn't swing in my book.
Secondly, my gram was being neglected by her son (my uncle) who is also a drug addict. Someone out of my family had to move in. No one else was "conveniently available." Just me and my broken relationship.... go figure. So now it's my 1 yr old, my gram, who is physically disabled enough that she is almost to the state of a physical 1 yr old (needs - like feeding her meals, washing her dishes, thank goodness medicare covers an at home nurse so she can be bathed - I'm afraid of hurting her).
My uncle WAS here, however he went on some kind of twisted drugged out trip, regressed to a point in his past where his family was being threatened (yes with death - from some drug lord who used to live in town), pulled a knife, and DEMANDED (with the "or else" clause spoken in his eyes - anyone with parents or facing an abuser KNOWS that look - it's unmistakable) that I call 911 "if you love my parents as much as I do". So goodness only knows, in his regressed overlay state of mind, WHO hw thought I was.
My son (6) and daughter (1) were with me watching tv at the time. So I grabbed the phone, called 911 like he yelled at me to, then bundled them up into the front room, and closed the door as a barrier, thanking the powers that be that he only had a chef's knife and NOT a gun. THEN I called 911 AGAIN and fully explained the scenario.
Suffice to say, he's in jail as he leaped from the house, knife in hand and at the ready. He nearly got shot.
I am still dealing with the emotional, physical, mental, and moronic repercussions of this. I OWE a good friend of mine money (I was supposed to have moved in with her and her family back in October. And now they are getting evicted - yes because I couldn't get them rent money).... UGH..
When it rains it pours.
Of course I'm an artistic NOBODY, and rarely has my pleas for help been heard. When they have - not enough of an interest. My art just doesn't compare to some of my (previous) peers as ,ost of my time has been devoted to my family and not my art. Urgh.
I'm so sick of it. It takes so much time and effort - and I have no one to help me be the artist I can be..... Nor the parent support I need from my kids' father. He thinks bringing in the money is all he needs to do. If I "need" him to do anything else (like ya know BE a parent) I have to ASK HIM FOR HELP. Every. Single. Time.
I needed my kids' father to be a father, and not go hide in his room and socialize online (ignoring me and the kids).
Add to that, he was put in charge of finances (I got tired of his stupid guilt tripping, and it backfired on me - he tried to turn me into a wage slave). - well he got his own account, and left my old one to rot. ONE OF HIS BILLS hit my account, tripped into the negatives (more the once) he never took care of his debt, and my account (two of three) were forced closed. My savings account will be next... and you know what banks do then? They freaking BLACKLIST YOU and it becomes almost impossible to get a new account open. Does he gets this? Nope, as it's never happened to him, and what comes out of my mouth, in his opinion, is bullshit and conjecture - not experience, not knowledge, not wisdom from learning from both my and others' mistakes - nope. He treats me like I don't know what I'm talking about - but doesn't bother asking, either, to verify it.
*sighs* ah but that's an entire, totally different tangent....
I need right now is to foot my friends something like 1k to help them move at the least (and pay what I socially/physically/financially owe then).
Fiverr has helped me with some pocket change (which gets invested back into making my gigs better - like buying stock images, and equipment, etc). But it doesn't generate fast enough. I wish I had a downloadable document or something I could share with people who'd buy it for five bucks or something... *sighs*
I do make headers, banners ads, and the like - but no one from my other networks are biting. Why? Most art artist's of their own and do their own adverts. I also do not have time to devote to a lot of things - and as it is I OWE posts to the d20 community and ART to other art swaps.
>.<
Hopefully things get settled here soon. I can't keep going like this. I'm close to burn out, and my normal outlet (art) is mostly cut off from me. So much so I'm a wee bit (ok a LOT) overly happy when I get a Fiverr Gig in that is graphics related! dear lord! Like xmas excited!
*sighs*
Some days I ponder if it's worth it to just be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and just not give a poop. The only thing right now that keeps me going is knowing I can't let my kid's dad have the kids to his own devices. I can't.
I mean seriously - the 13yr old in my little family now gone bust (his biological kid), just had her foundation ripped away from her (me) and went suicidal. Thank the powers that be I instilled in her the acceptance to go to the counselors at her school. Lord. She might be dead now. He father just doesn't understand (and is offended that he's not her foundation... and wonders what I did to her). *rolls eyes* He is offended... OFFENDED?!
ACK.. no I won't start that tangent. Enough is enough drama Llama! GO AWAY! For the love of all that is sacred, Give Me SOME PEACE!
If I can create something people want, can easily download after buying it, and requires no more effort after the initial set up, I'd be able to set that up on my website.
Or let folks know about my Fiverr Gigs (for things like ad banner creation, FB timeline header graphics, transcription services, etc).
Thanks though for the sympathies. :) It is appreciated.
I'll I can do is offer my sympathies. I'm sorry.
*sighs*
I do appreciate the sympathies, thank you. Now if you have a digital body bag handy, we can get this llamma off my lawn. ;) *chuckles*
Also, maybe - If you can, as I mentioned above, just spread around the word for some of the other services I offer. At least it's something else, and doesn't cost much aside from time. ^.^
I have to wonder sometimes why I was put into such a twisted life. I just try to live and let live for the most part. This kind of "stupid" that ends up in my lap - well some of it yes, I did it to myself. Other of it is due to who I'm related to and the fact I WILL stand up to protect myself. Gah.