You know, there's times I think of suicide and death and stuff. You might never know if you met me briefly. I seem like a cheery person, and in the face of my friends, I am. But when I'm alone, I'm just as depressed as the rest of America and the fucked up regions beyond our borders, beyond the streets our homeless call their homes, beyond the walls of our homes. It happens when you contemplate your life too much and you don't have anyone to talk to in person. Friends distract you from your own thoughts. I love them for it. I will never be sad around my friends.

However, when it comes to my own personal ideals of when I die, I'm reminded of when I was born. I was born with my parents. It was not my choice to be born. Does a baby really have choice to be pulled from the warmth and protection of its mother's womb? Not in my opinion, no. But then we grow and mature as all humans should and do. We grow up with this great and powerful philosophical idea of choice...and how we have it. It's ours and work to express, achieve, and protect it. We can choose to do with our lives what we please. But we do not choose to die. We can choose to postpone death, to control it and bring it closer, but it takes a lot of guts and courage to face it on your own.

When I die, I hope that it will be from age; the frailness of my body too weak to continue the massive quantity of cellular processes that hold me and my thoughts together. I can accept death. I do want to postpone it for as long as I can, like most civilians, with a lifelong practice in healthy habits, preventative care, and calming meditative efforts for my mental well-being. But if technology and medical science cannot bring humanity closer to the achievement of immortality after the Singularity occurs (trust, it will occur), then I will die just like every human before me.

It all comes back to what we learn as we grow: choice. How will I choose to die? I wish to die the way I came into this world. Not alone, but with individuals who cared to keep me in this world with them. I want to die at the side of someone I know and love by my choice. I don't know how many people, and I don't care. I just know that my life would not have been fulfilled to my wishes had there not been someone to say I love you as lose the ability to speak and to look into a person's eyes silently communicating that I loved them from the moment I met them.

This is my way of current thinking. It helps to postpone suicidal thoughts, a danger to my mental health for sure. I hope that posting this journal to be seen helps in some way. I know I'm not alone in this thinking. My views may change, but I hope the reasons surrounding this thought process from choice to death are not so altered by the future stresses life brings to us.

But hey, for now, I should just be happy I'm alive and have friends. So simple a concept. So hard to achieve. You could say it was easy if you already are happy, but then you should already know, happiness is a shared fundamental emotion brought on by biochemical processes in specific, and numerous measurable neurological pathways in response to external stimuli and internal memories reinforced by external stimuli. You can't be stupid and not realize how important social interaction was in the face of the evolution of sentience. DON'T BE A STUPID HOE. I LOVE YOU, NICKI! <3

End rant by Casmer.