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Out of Control
12 years ago
⭐️ be rootin, be tootin, and by god be shootin ⭐️ This is a waah woe is me rant. I just need to write. I'm sorry. I'm not asking for anything from you so if you don't want to hear me bitch, go away now.
I can't do this.
I can't do this at all.
I can't balance tests and books and essays and quizzes.
I can't manage projects and smiles and bank accounts and sleep.
I can't handle groceries and responsibilities when laden with trials the shape of adulthood.
I'm not a weak person. I've handled far more than most I've known. I've handled it with the ability to move on. My back is not weak when it comes to shouldering troubles.
But I can't do it all. I have limits. On its own I could handle every single thing, but all folded together like an origami noose, I feel my lungs grow tight.
You say that I'm not trying. You throw words like 'slacker' and 'procrastinator' at my ears and I can't help but crumple.
You don't see the depression that ties my ankles down. You don't see the anxiety that squeezes my neck until I can't speak or breathe. You don't see the world I knew slowly turning grey or the people I love being ripped away.
You took my trust away from me and dangled it like a lure that I bit so helplessly. I've been dragged through the wringer on my trust. I've held bright eyes open while being ripped from my world, pinned to the deck and skewered by truth.
You took my friend and left a monster.
Then you saw fit to call me monster, brat, unappreciative, selfish cunt.
You took my home and made it a warzone. You drove me away with your claws.
I found a new home. I found a new reprieve.
But
The scars that healed still twinge with memories. Your silver tongue twisted inside of me until all that was left was a grey weight.
I walked with nothing but lead for the longest time.
You took my angel from me. You gave her suffering of a slow and sickening path before making my hand issue her death. You left me only memories of telling her that it would all be over soon. You left my hands the memory of comforting her.
You left my palms memories they don't want to keep.
And now you pull my family apart like the last bits of thread in a tapestry being pulled until they snap. What threads were left of control in my life, of support and protection, are now being unraveled.
You can't do this.
You can't treat me like the child sitting down and hearing how the divorce was not my fault.
You can't act like I won't remember your addictions the first time.
You can't believe that I won't learn from the past.
Can you?
Can you honestly pin me with this? Under the thousand and ten reasons I already sleep uneasy, you decide to remove my family and send me into the world with a grey outlook?
When I work as hard as I do to keep my bank account from mummifying, to keep my social life on an iron lung until I fix my 'attitude' enough to be something more worthy than a fairweather friend.
But then pin me with words like disappointment and say I'm not even trying.
I dare you.
I motherfucking dare you to say I'm not trying.
Because when it appears a more friendly path to let fate decide for you when crossing the street
and when a vacation in a hospital bed becomes a less stressful option
but you still bite back bile for the sake of what remains,
don't fucking tell me I'm not trying.
I can't do this.
I can't do this at all.
I can't balance tests and books and essays and quizzes.
I can't manage projects and smiles and bank accounts and sleep.
I can't handle groceries and responsibilities when laden with trials the shape of adulthood.
I'm not a weak person. I've handled far more than most I've known. I've handled it with the ability to move on. My back is not weak when it comes to shouldering troubles.
But I can't do it all. I have limits. On its own I could handle every single thing, but all folded together like an origami noose, I feel my lungs grow tight.
You say that I'm not trying. You throw words like 'slacker' and 'procrastinator' at my ears and I can't help but crumple.
You don't see the depression that ties my ankles down. You don't see the anxiety that squeezes my neck until I can't speak or breathe. You don't see the world I knew slowly turning grey or the people I love being ripped away.
You took my trust away from me and dangled it like a lure that I bit so helplessly. I've been dragged through the wringer on my trust. I've held bright eyes open while being ripped from my world, pinned to the deck and skewered by truth.
You took my friend and left a monster.
Then you saw fit to call me monster, brat, unappreciative, selfish cunt.
You took my home and made it a warzone. You drove me away with your claws.
I found a new home. I found a new reprieve.
But
The scars that healed still twinge with memories. Your silver tongue twisted inside of me until all that was left was a grey weight.
I walked with nothing but lead for the longest time.
You took my angel from me. You gave her suffering of a slow and sickening path before making my hand issue her death. You left me only memories of telling her that it would all be over soon. You left my hands the memory of comforting her.
You left my palms memories they don't want to keep.
And now you pull my family apart like the last bits of thread in a tapestry being pulled until they snap. What threads were left of control in my life, of support and protection, are now being unraveled.
You can't do this.
You can't treat me like the child sitting down and hearing how the divorce was not my fault.
You can't act like I won't remember your addictions the first time.
You can't believe that I won't learn from the past.
Can you?
Can you honestly pin me with this? Under the thousand and ten reasons I already sleep uneasy, you decide to remove my family and send me into the world with a grey outlook?
When I work as hard as I do to keep my bank account from mummifying, to keep my social life on an iron lung until I fix my 'attitude' enough to be something more worthy than a fairweather friend.
But then pin me with words like disappointment and say I'm not even trying.
I dare you.
I motherfucking dare you to say I'm not trying.
Because when it appears a more friendly path to let fate decide for you when crossing the street
and when a vacation in a hospital bed becomes a less stressful option
but you still bite back bile for the sake of what remains,
don't fucking tell me I'm not trying.
Each of my chins are as well.
I'm terribly sorry for what happened.
I definitely know how you feel about being called a slacker and a procrastinator. It sucks, for really. At the beginning of the semester I saw that I wasn't getting anywhere good. So I told myself that I was going to do better for everyone else's sake. Boy did that turn out well. I don't work well under stress. On anything really. I can't concentrate, I can't stay motivated, I'm always exhausted and confused, and people who keep picking at me for not doing an assignment or coming to class late just make me feel like I wanna grab them by the neck and bang their heads on their desk. It sucks to keep frustration in 24/7. What's worse, I can never seem to get away from it. If it's not one thing, it's always another. I hate it.
Not even my own venting helped even the slightest. I'm still very frustrated and I just need less shit on my plate.
TL;DR
All I'm saying, really, is you're not alone on this.
I wish I could be of help. If you think I can, I'll be in touch.
You work so hard, Sal. Harder than most I know. You are stronger than most of the people I know put together, and it's so frustrating to see people like you pulled and stretched to their limits. All I ever want to do when I see you're upset is just be there for you and do whatever is in my power to make you feel better. I just...hate seeing people I adore and admire and want to be like being suffocated by the shit life throws at them.
I know I can't do much, I know that. All I can do is say I'm here if by some off chance you need someone who's been through his own hell and back to listen to you. If there is anything I can ever do to help, don't hesitate to ask. i wont judge, I won't offer an opinion unless asked, I won't even say a word if it isn't necessary--I'll just listen, if that's what you may need.
I will not dare bullshit you when I say you are the most strongest person I know and I have faith that life cannot keep you down. I know it may hurt you and sting you and give you shit you're not prepared for, but I know that at one point, thing will work out in the best way they possibly can.
Whatever happens, I know you'll be the same amazing person I look up to, no matter what.
-hugs tight-
If it has taught me anything, it's that the people who most often accuse us of not trying hard enough, are simply too ignorant and stupid, to see what's right in front of them. They have their own, way too narrow view of what constitutes success, and they then try to beat a square peg, into a round hole, because to them, everyone must fit in that hole. Their worldview is so small, that to consider anything else, is completely beyond their comprehension.
For one thing, Salkitten, you are one of the best damned artists, I've ever had the privilege of watching. And I never say that lightly. Your skills are so good, you make me look like I'm drawing in crayon. You take my simple talent for putting my emotions into my drawings, and push them to heights I can only dream of. And I will defend you, to anyone who dares claim otherwise.
*Stands by your side, his katana at the ready* If it's a fight you bastards want, then by God, I'm gonna give you one.
I understand you are busy at times and such. You are welcome to chat with me on IMs. You can add me on skype at floh.iristhrae or msn at flohiristhrae if you want to chat. I am usually up late but I can be sparratic. I'd like to open my hand to chat and get to know you more.