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Better Living Through Pornography (Contemplative Ramblings)
12 years ago
I'm a pretty secretive guy. You may have noticed from the way I did things like deliberately use American spellings in my stories despite British spellings being what I'm used to, solely so as to make it less clear where I'm from and so who I am. Anyway, I tend to play my cards close to my chest. Which is why it's such a surprise to me to find myself making good friends and hanging out with folks based around a mutual interest in fetish pornography.
It's just not something I do, you know? I've never been the type to sit around and watch a porn with friends. That actually seems rather horrific to me, just a recipe for a ton of awkward stares and nervous coughs while you all try to pretend there's not something you'd rather be doing than making stilted small talk with each other. And yet, I guess what surprises me most isn't that I want to say to other folks who like the stuff that I like "well done, you should do that more", but also that I find myself actually really wanting to have a conversation about the details of the TF fetish - which is particularly impressive considering that for the longest time I hated using the word 'fetish', because it seemed so dirty and out there. But now I want to talk about it in detail; dirty and out there or not? I should add, because I realise this is coming across like this - it's not that I'm wanting to say things like "oh wow nice ladyparts I put my man parts in there and then move them around in the way that is mutually satisfying oh and hey we're seahorses now", but just, talking about things in general as being an interesting topic.
I can - and do - lay the blame for a lot of this wanting to talk squarely at the feet of this podcast, which was pretty much just an exercise in sitting down for an hour and a half or so and going "oh. Oh! So... turns out this is exactly the conversation I want to have. Huh. I... I was unaware."
Fast forward a few months, to where I'm now inexplicably friends with the people behind that podcast (or at least, so sayeth Twitter) and doing things like organising deliberate fetish porn streams with another talented artist, as well as planning a trip in a few months to actually go to a big furry convention.
It's like; I remember having all these little lines originally. Okay, so, I found this weird thing that seemed to appeal to me but I wouldn't go out of my way for it, then I would but I wouldn't make an account anywhere, then I would but I wouldn't pay for access to anything (thank you mamabliss for breaking through that one some years ago), then I would but I'd just lurk rather than interact - and so on and so forth; always drawing a line in the sand in front of me and saying "well, okay, you've done that, but you'll be okay as long as you don't do this." And it's a surprisingly powerful realisation at the end of so many steps to go "actually - how is any of this bad? I'm talking with some cool folks, and there's all these boners where there were no boners before [/simpsons reference]. That seems pretty good, right?"
Every now and then I catch myself feeling weird as I'm saying something in particular - it still feels super awkward to say stuff anywhere near as intense as I write without worry in my stories; so if I'm talking to someone about an idea I have for something that's good I'll almost certainly say things like "and she's uh... having a good time with herself I guess" instead of "and she's masturbating and it's awesomeboners". But, I guess the other realisation was that - for me being secretive is all about not giving up too much of your deep dark secrets that the other person might gain knowledge of you that you can't take back, and then judge you for it. But, the friends I'm making here are starting at that level. When a person starts out by knowing your deepest, most private secrets and can answer them with a shrug and "yeah, me too. Boners, eh?", well, that does rather take the sting out of the confession.
So yeah. Turns out I fetishboners to TF. I mean, that's old news even in terms of me admitting it here, but still, it's something that I'm getting used to acknowledging as a discussion point. So, uh, I guess the tl;dr version is... thanks? Thanks for being cool everyone. Good work on that folks! And so, boners, I guess?
It's just not something I do, you know? I've never been the type to sit around and watch a porn with friends. That actually seems rather horrific to me, just a recipe for a ton of awkward stares and nervous coughs while you all try to pretend there's not something you'd rather be doing than making stilted small talk with each other. And yet, I guess what surprises me most isn't that I want to say to other folks who like the stuff that I like "well done, you should do that more", but also that I find myself actually really wanting to have a conversation about the details of the TF fetish - which is particularly impressive considering that for the longest time I hated using the word 'fetish', because it seemed so dirty and out there. But now I want to talk about it in detail; dirty and out there or not? I should add, because I realise this is coming across like this - it's not that I'm wanting to say things like "oh wow nice ladyparts I put my man parts in there and then move them around in the way that is mutually satisfying oh and hey we're seahorses now", but just, talking about things in general as being an interesting topic.
I can - and do - lay the blame for a lot of this wanting to talk squarely at the feet of this podcast, which was pretty much just an exercise in sitting down for an hour and a half or so and going "oh. Oh! So... turns out this is exactly the conversation I want to have. Huh. I... I was unaware."
Fast forward a few months, to where I'm now inexplicably friends with the people behind that podcast (or at least, so sayeth Twitter) and doing things like organising deliberate fetish porn streams with another talented artist, as well as planning a trip in a few months to actually go to a big furry convention.
It's like; I remember having all these little lines originally. Okay, so, I found this weird thing that seemed to appeal to me but I wouldn't go out of my way for it, then I would but I wouldn't make an account anywhere, then I would but I wouldn't pay for access to anything (thank you mamabliss for breaking through that one some years ago), then I would but I'd just lurk rather than interact - and so on and so forth; always drawing a line in the sand in front of me and saying "well, okay, you've done that, but you'll be okay as long as you don't do this." And it's a surprisingly powerful realisation at the end of so many steps to go "actually - how is any of this bad? I'm talking with some cool folks, and there's all these boners where there were no boners before [/simpsons reference]. That seems pretty good, right?"
Every now and then I catch myself feeling weird as I'm saying something in particular - it still feels super awkward to say stuff anywhere near as intense as I write without worry in my stories; so if I'm talking to someone about an idea I have for something that's good I'll almost certainly say things like "and she's uh... having a good time with herself I guess" instead of "and she's masturbating and it's awesomeboners". But, I guess the other realisation was that - for me being secretive is all about not giving up too much of your deep dark secrets that the other person might gain knowledge of you that you can't take back, and then judge you for it. But, the friends I'm making here are starting at that level. When a person starts out by knowing your deepest, most private secrets and can answer them with a shrug and "yeah, me too. Boners, eh?", well, that does rather take the sting out of the confession.
So yeah. Turns out I fetishboners to TF. I mean, that's old news even in terms of me admitting it here, but still, it's something that I'm getting used to acknowledging as a discussion point. So, uh, I guess the tl;dr version is... thanks? Thanks for being cool everyone. Good work on that folks! And so, boners, I guess?
Someone skype me in to the hotel party. :)
Funny how shame tends to compartmentalize things we like, at the cost of enjoyment and how much seeing you arent alone makes you feel less shamed.
For me I want furry and tf being a part of my life but due to being attached and in love with a partner who has rather extreme views on furries I still lay shameful and hiding this whole part of my life.
I am slowly dissecting the fetish aspect from my interests so I can present it in a way that emotionally overcomes the derision I am sure I will face. But its progress. Perhaps some day I will bump into you at a con.
I think this is a really good way to encapsulate some feelings about how liberating, but simultaneously terrifying it is to open up to people about things that are rife with shame, like mutual kinks.
A friend of mine on this site reminds me from time to time how I used to say I was just a fan of anthro art, scorning any insinuation of being furry. You know, those weirdoes from Shawn Keller comics and the Something Awful front page. VCL server logs disagreed.
It actually took a friend with furry interests being open about them with me to nudge me into being anything but totally ashamed of mine. And it was a long, long time before I got specific about admitting transformation was definitely "a thing". I owe a lot to the people who trusted me enough to let me trust them.
While these days, I'm still very much compartmentalized in certain respects, I'm glad to be close friends with a handful of people who just happen to also be furry. And while I'd still be ashamed to get called out on it, there's a definite relief in knowing there are some people who know what kind of weird stuff you like and still have your back.
And it's cool to know other people have gone through the same. :)
I guess what surprised me is the fact that once I heard that podcast and really realised that talking about this was essentially something I could do, then doing so with folks here became a lot less scary practically instantly. I mean, like I said, we're all starting out in the same boat in terms of liking this stuff, so there's nothing really to loose.
That said, I've just now realised that I don't actually talk with this with folks much. I guess I've got sort of a core group that I want to talk about this with, and then outside that I'm not really soliciting contacts. Which, well, I guess that makes sense; having the folks you trust and know are cool rather than just wanting to talk to everybody everybody about this TF stuff.
Anyway! Thanks for saying so. I think you're literally the only commenter I've remembered to thank, so... there's that, I guess.
That is a shame to hear about your partner with that. I've mentioned before that I have told folks, exclusively being folks I'm interested in in some romantic/sexual way (whether or not that actually pans out), and while I've never had anyone say "oh man, me too!", I've also never had worse than "huh, fair enough. Not for me, but good for you for liking something though"
I would hope that a loving partner can cope with anything like this without deriding it. I suppose if they don't think it's serious or a big deal they might, but I'd hope that if they realised it was a significant Thing then they'd be respectful about it, even if it's not something they're into (which, basically, is the response I tended to get). Still, I can't say that disarming the topic as you are attempting to sounds like a bad idea.
And yes, fingers crossed. I'm not sure how many cons I'll be going to, for simple logisitical reasons if nothing else, but still.
Otherwise - ugh, sorry if I'm coming across all "I see a problem, let me attempt to solve it!" but; I'm thinking I might write a blog or... something about my trip to this con, and the idea would be to write it so it could be read and understood by someone who had no idea what furries and everything where (meaning, written for a general audience). It would also ideally be humorous, insightful and allow people to sort of humanise it all and see what it's like, while still coming from a perspective of someone who is almost as clueless and scared/bewildered by everything as they are. That's the hope, anyway!
Assuming that all pans out like so, do you think you could credibly say you found that (probably Tumblr) from something non-outing for you, and potentially... expose her to all of this through that in a way that hopefully lets her see there's more to it than just being some weirdo wrapped in fake fur? Like, the idea would be that you could laugh at the central character, wonder what the hell he's doing and why he's doing these things, but it would still be a case of being like, on his side, overall? Laugh at him sure, but root for him still? Or at least understand him?
That's the idea, at least. It's not certain in any way, but does that seem like it could be a useful way to sort of inoculate her to the subject of "well, it is pretty damn weird, for sure, but here's a real person going through that and see how that works?"
I could explain that better I'm sure, but hopefully you get the gist. I'm not just proposing I write a blog about all this just to help you out - I was planning on doing it anyway - but maybe it could help, potentially?
I adore werewolves and while I dont tell her directly why I am obsessed she does seem to notice the obsession itself and doesn't tease me about it.
If I can connect my furry and tf interests in a logical way then I think I will have less issues.
Also, this rulebook I am publishing will allow me to share my RPs with her in the long run, which is good because the fact that I was using a fetish mud as the platform for something I was enjoying that had zero to do with sexual interests for me put me into a deathspiral of depression. I severed it properly now and can gradually bring it into normalcy.
I mean the two of us gamed a lot together over the years. She even played Werewolf: the Apocalypse while I DMed.
Your suggestion of a blog certainly wouldn't hurt. I do want to go to a con some day and meet my artist friends.
Argh on the deathspiral of depression though - good on you for pulling up out of that. Hopefully your new one can indeed provide an outlet for that that isn't so, uh, ungood?
This is also the first time I have ever heard the word "awesomeboners" used in a sentence. That phrase should be used more often, in my opinion.
As for the rest, yep, that does pretty much sum it up!
That said, having gathered some TF nuts on skype has been a good experience; it's always fun to talk about TF stuff and get new ideas for stories that way. :)
Honestly, I think the likelihood of anyone from real life finding out about this place and connecting the dots is essentially non-existant. And even if they did, then you could pretty much counter with that they were here too, and then vow mutual silence or mutual destruction. Unless you left your computer/phone on with this all up around someone else, in which case I guess it's more your own fault. So, don't do that, I guess. It's advice I need to heed myself now that I've finally got a smart phone actually capable of checking this site with.
Also congrats on the smartphone. I assume android?
I am 95% of the time online on my phone or tablet these days.
One thing I will say though is that you appear to have fursuits of your own, and presently that's my current line in the sand. Time will tell, I guess.
I don't think I'd ever go to a con, mostly cuz I don't con even about stuff I'm "open" with. But I definitely find myself in a similar place, and it was nice to read about someone who's taken a similar journey!
That's how I imagine it anyway. That said, I'm glad I've got a hotel room lined up so I can retreat there if necessary in case things get too overwhelming. Honestly though, I legitimately don't expect that to happen. Folks seem pretty cool, and I can't see them talking about exactly what I want to talk about putting me off.
Plus man, the experience. I am almost certainly going to write about it. I've no idea what the venue or target for it will be, but gotta write that stuff man. It'll be a hell of a story. I have to emphasise though that it will be carefully ambiguiated if it's for anywhere outside of just like, a personal diary, and even then buy-in would be required for anyone I actually talk about directly that's not me. I'd iron out the details later, but I very much expect I'll be attending with a notebook and pen behind my ear.
I don't see myself as a furry in the same sense but I still more recently made a 'fursona' to give it a try, for a multitude of reasons.
Though I too feel like that if at this point someone came to me in real life to talk about it I'd be like "Yeah sure, whatever." Not like I'd ever go out of my way to initiate something like that though.
But opening up a bit was fun, because I find people's various kinks really interesting and it's fun to talk about them.
Always worried about annoying people though so I dont pester.
Crystala I certainly sympathise with you there about never wanting to be annoying, but Taki is a cool dude so you should be fine!
(PS I hope you are okay with being called a cool dude Taki and saying it's fine)
(ahh being worried about not being annoying never stops ahhh)
Opening up was certainly fun! I still haven't gotten to the point of sitting down with folks and talking about stuff directly, but I guess, hey, that's what AC is for.
But theres a fine line that I haven't figured out between what I find disturbing and feeling like rape versus what I find erotic.
That said, I will add in here, that chances are no matter what you like, there are other folks here who like the same. That is one thing I've learned. If you feel bad about getting a buzz from something that seems like it should be abhorrant, well, you're not alone in liking that, whatever it is. And from there you can sort of realise that it's just some thing; sure it's a kink or a fetish, but people have those and that's okay. It's not wrong, and you're certainly not alone in it.
Maybe its cause I don't do porn, or maybe its because I am a bad writer, but either way its frustrating and makes me feel rather worthless sometimes.
Maybe I need to write a TF porn + horror to get people to finally read something I do, since a majority of my work is horror at least then they would be exposed to it.
That said, I don't know that forcing yourself to do porn is a good idea. I know it kinda sucks not to get pageviews (believe me, I do), but I don't know how much value there is in trying to pander to a crowd by doing something you don't particularly want to do. If nothing else, porn you're forcing yourself to write doesn't seem like it would be likely to be good porn, which could also be an issue.
However, maybe there might be some value in trying to sit down and write something that you think would be hot? Like, don't put it anywhere, at least don't plan on it - just sit down and go "okay, if I was wanting to read something that would press absolutely all the right buttons for me, and not worrying about how it would come across to other people, how it would be interpreted and what it would mean - what would that be like? What is the story that I would want to see that would be so good that I could sit back and simply go 'that. That right there is sex. Yes yes.'?" I think - perhaps, from my extremely armchair analysis - that could potentially be a worthwhile exercise? Then once you have that set out, you can think about it and see what that all means, but try not do second-guess yourself as you go. If it's hot, it's hot. And if it's something for you, it's okay that that's the case.
Anyway. Let me expose myself and share some stories I find erotic.
http://doc.tf-media.net/browse/view......php?story=251
Hellhound by Jerrymander - Its probably the single most erotic story I have ever read and it triggers so many things in me. Its got an ambiguous horror ending, an emotional test between two lovers, mental and physical changes, mental conflict with instincts...
http://www.sofurry.com/view/347670
Anawyn has a couple stories I find erotic but this one draws me more than any. The character is interesting and confused and has a mental shift partially forced on them and encouraged. Its got male emasculation in a sense which I have found I occasionally like and it has vore which weirdly enough I never like but do in this story.
Anawyn has this weird wyvern/dragon story with vore I also like but its a more monstrous change, but lacks the character development of this one.
In the same way this is another monstrous change http://www.sofurry.com/view/499032
Not enough /story/ for me to really find erotic but it does hit a few buttons.
http://www.sofurry.com/view/6897
This is poorly written compared to the others but by contrast has more character development. The story goes well outside my realm of interests but features that common monstrous TF element.
The Wyvern's Stone can share is probably the last of the examples of monster TFs I like, its better written than the last two but shown from a different viewpoint than the one that triggers my eroticism, a girl in the story is forcefully turned into a male wyvern.
But its hardly just the monsterous aspects either because there are entirely consentual stories or stories where someone is changed and just has to cope that I like.
http://www.sofurry.com/view/449096
I love the character development in this.
I apparently find cow tfs on their own erotic cause theres not much character dev or mental shifts but I like this (and like some elements of your home movies stories)
Sometimes I feel terrible because I like stories where I am watching a male changed (unlike the monstrous tfs where its me experiencing the change in the fantasy)
http://www.sofurry.com/view/408710
http://www.sofurry.com/view/156691
And even Taki's story which also squicks me because its on the verge of rape.
http://www.sofurry.com/view/60104
Theres a story that MWE wrote thats no longer up that I need to find a way to share that really hits many aspects much like the hellhound story except its not monstrous but has the same elements of a relationship where a husband gives up his gender and humanity to share in his wife's desires.
Or https://www.sofurry.com/view/482636
Which the ending made me cry and I skimmed the erotic portion as it did little for me.
Not all of this I linked I actually really like, there are only a few I really like and respect. Others its smaller elements that I just used to share as they press at least one or two buttons regardless of quality.
I sort of demand quality prose in my erotica so it eliminates a fair chunk of what I linked.
But now that I have exposed my weird ass fetishes and such you can proceed to be as baffled by it as me.
I almost forgot this excellent series which is more romance than erotica. I like it a lot though.
http://www.sofurry.com/view/60380
Another softer one I like
And http://www.sofurry.com/view/299341
Probably my favorite story taki has written.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this exactly, but I think the gist is - even with this extreme example, I see where you're coming from? I can see the appeal, even if it doesn't necessarily appeal to me? And merely the fact that this exists means you're certainly not alone in liking it too.
Maybe you might read some others at some point? There are only a few others that are as dark and I think I labelled most of them.
Being a girl into erotic TF in itself probably alters my interests more than most, plus my background in horror and werewolves as an introduction to TF.
(And the whole latex and love doll thing you all seem to love actually creeps me out quite a bit so I suppose my enjoyment of horrific TFs has something comparably weird.)
I do indeed intend to read through the others! I've flicked through a few of them - I read that Serpent Spirit story when you first linked it, I believe, and others I've actually seen around before like that Infestation one (the college girls on holiday one, that is). In general, the impression that I got is that, unsurprisingly, we like different things. Some of the examples you linked do work for me, but I tend to have different demands then you - from the way I'm coming at it, people having a bad time just makes me feel bad, because it's not- I don't see myself as enjoyably on the receiving end, if you get me? Or, likewise, from the other point of view - well, let's just say I'm somewhat rubbish at trying to be- hm. This is a relatively public journal. I'm not so good at making people feel bad even if doing so makes them feel good; if you can crack my incredibly subtle code. I'm just not one for that, which has been to my chagrin in the past.
That said, I can completely understand how sextoyishness creeps you the hell out. To be fair I've seen some versions of it that do the same for me - the sort of "trapped in a latex suit and mindblanked involuntarily ones", but to me it's always voluntary, temporary and/or reversable.
Hm. It occurs to me that I think by this point we're basically justifying our fetishes at each other. In a way, the point of this journal is to basically say that that's not necessary. Here, in the wonders of the internet, it's okay to like what you like. Other people like it to, and if some specific other people don't, that's cool also. I get where you're coming from, but the specifics aren't for me, and likewise, you get where I'm coming from, but there isn't going to be a latexification story that's good enough to have you go "oh, okay, yeah, I'm into this now too". It is how it is, and it's okay to like stuff that you can't explain to people well enough to get them to like it too.
But there are other stories that are more positive and less dark and I can't figure out why I like them or what connection there is to the rest.
So mostly it wasn't sharing to justify, nor do I judge your interests. It was sort of hoping someone else might see more into it than I can.
But at this point it's become a chorus. Transformation is not just something I describe as "a kink" or "just a fetish", it is in fact my sexuality. And that's a swirl of internal confusion to say that, but I know it's true.
And as fun as it is to say boners for everything, I also think we toss that word in there when we really want to say something a bit more serious, but it has stronger implications.
Test Chamber was a watershed moment, and suddenly a critical mass of people realize that TF isn't JUST something that exists on websites, but actual real people have these feelings too, and we're all dealing with it in our own ways. We're real people, reaching out.
I wish I could be at all the cons now and help facilitate TF panels and such, but at the bare minimum lets do it up again next year for FE. Everyone's coming out of the TF closet, the ball's rollin'!
This year at Furnal Equinox was the first time I've ever met more than one other in person.
For me, that's so important to say: that TF is my sexuality.
But I'm still trying to sort out further how that plays in to my life and what I should do about it, now that I'm at this point. :)
I outlined the whole evolution of that within my Journals section here on FA, if ever bored.
Hm. This probably could be thought and set out better, but essentially, for me, not all sex or porn is TF, even though pretty much all TF is at least to some degree porn. That's just me though!
I covered what I wanted to say about sexuality elsewhere, but I wanted to address the "boners" thing. Honestly, I use that word because I've found it a palatable way to say "I find this arousing", precisely because with how "boners!" has become such a joke, it feels like it's acceptable to say. I can't bring myself to say to someone "that thing you made was so hot that it made me want to do... things, and then I did so thank you for that" (witness how I trailed off even there), because honestly that seems a little offensive if the other person doesn't want to hear about it. And I assume folks don't! But, at least amongst the group of friends I hang with here, "boners" is sort of a lighthearted shorthand that acknowledges the sexuality of it, without getting too awkward. It says "I appreciate this sexually, so thanks for that, but I'm not saying that in such a way that makes you feel like I'm hitting on you, or going into detail that would make you feel uncomfortable." And so yeah. Hence why I use "boners" a lot, because honestly it's about the only phrase I can bring myself to use that expresses things like that.
But! What I want to ask is - does using that word bug you? Does it seem exclusionary? Does it feel crass? I hope it doesn't seem loaded to ask that after I just spent a paragraph explaining how I need it to express myself, but if it's uncomfortable then I'll deal (if nothing else, the phrase "goo central station" has also been trialled, which seems a little more non-biased, so that could work just as well). At the very least, I can certainly learn not to throw it around when talking to you.
So nope, doesn't bug me at all! And feel free to use it around me, because those other conversations ARE happening. :)
I am more serious and the humor rarely 'works' for me, but neither does it or the language you use offend me. Eroticism for me is something I barely understand and am incredibly insecure about, so its hard to just laugh it off.
But then I don't have friends to share and laugh about it with either.
Truly it's a wonderful feeling not to have to lie to absolutely everyone about what you go home to enjoy.
However I very much doubt that had I not been contacted first that I would have ever reached out. Even after exploration of multiple different ways to phrase the response I still cannot seem to divine a pleasant outcome to the conversation of "Who, me? I like to write about cartoon characters in my spare time. How about yourself?"
Even describing my nocturnal activity in the vaguest of terms has not happened nor will for the foreseeable future as I am still terrified of my involvement on FA somehow reaching back to my daytime social network.
(sorry for the meme-ish response, but I'm not sure what else to say other than "yep, I hear that!")
That said, from amongst people you trust, well, I've certainly not encountered an outright bad response to sharing. Never an outright good one either, but still no worse than "oh, well! Good for you then". That said, I've limited my tellings exclusively to folks I've been both interested and somewhat involved with, so that may well put a thumb on the scales. Just telling random friends is not something I expect I'd ever do either.
Yeah that's pretty much the point I'm at now myself. My close friends already have a lot of "dirt" on me and though it wouldn't really surprise them to know I'm into TF as a sexuality, I'm still kind of uncomfortable with them knowing I'm a furry...even though I guess they already know. My non-fur friend I took to AC last year apparently told pretty much everyone about it...because he had an awesome time and didn't think I would mind. I was surprised when he told me that everyone's reactions were very positive, so that's cool.
Still, I'm not going to tell them about TF anytime soon, if ever. It's not like they need to know anyway.
Anyway, that's how I think of it. I still can't imagine telling regular friends, but at the same time if they knew one it seems as bad as the other, TF is just more specific but that can be a good thing.