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May 31: My Fish Isn't Missing: It's Dead
12 years ago
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█ My apologies for not being around. Some people might get the title of this journal which is taken from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.c.....-part-two.html
Though before I get to that particular fun topic, my actual physical health:
I'm still sick. After being on two different types of prescribed antibiotics my tonsils still remain infected. I'm going to be getting an x-ray and blood testing at some point to try and pinpoint exactly what's happening. I don't actually feel sick mind you, physically anyways, it's just that I have a persistent annoying cough for well like three months now. Will see if there's an actual remedy, aside from removing my tonsils; I think I want to avoid that.
█ Anyways, back to the fish. If you went through the link I'll explain the main difference between my experience and what was put there: I'm a better actor. Most people don't have the slightest inkling that I have depression, and really this is true for a lot of depressed people. The reason that is probably because of people who continue to try and 'find' the 'missing fish.' It's easier for a depressed person to go looking for the missing fish when they know that the fish are actually dead. That it's easier to go "Hey I found the fish, thanks for the help" then be happy and smiling, than to continue to explain that the fish aren't missing, they're dead. There's a large disconnect in the level of understanding of what is reality for the person with depression and it takes a large amount of effort to explain the situation, and depressed people don't want to spend that much effort because it's simply frustrating.
Frustration is a common theme for depression, at least my depression. The lack of motivation, the inability to express or communicate the experience in a way that other people can comprehend. The guilt associated with people spending so much effort in 'finding your lost fish' when the problem is that the fish are dead. It's here a person who has no understanding of the metaphor goes 'why don't you get new fish?' which is pretty much saying 'why don't you get new emotions?' So yeah, frustrating.
I know people have spent time and effort in trying to 'find my fish' and I do end up feeling bad because I wasn't able to cheer up. It's a kind of a vicious feedback loop of depression, and I feel the need to apologize to these people for being unable to help.
█ Something else that I've somewhat realized recently is that being depressed is to be displaced from other people's sense of reality. "Normal" people, or I assume they are, seem unnaturally optimistic from my perspective; and perhaps at the same time naive. Ignorance is bliss and all that. The people in FA did give me some kind of sense of belonging and normalcy, but outside of the community it's still something that is displaced from other people's sense of reality. Or in other words it's not exactly something that's socially embraced with open arms on a whole. That in the eyes of society on a whole no matter where I decide to be I am an outcast. Now I tell myself that I don't think that's something that's particular important, but I think that might simply be a lie I'm telling myself. It might be this kind of reasoning is why some artists simply vanish without a trace, it seems to work out logically because they made a choice to want to be accepted as the larger part of society on a whole. I can see how that might be more stabilizing and more meaningful to a person on a whole, cause I have those thoughts myself now and then. As for myself I'm quite stuck in the middle of both sides of this fence. I think in a different world were sexuality was something that was more openly embraced I might be a more sane and actually happy, but that's not the world we live in. It's a subject that's often suppressed and oppressed, so as a reflection of that reality I often feel the exact same way.
Another semi-revelation I had was that while I found a place where I could be comfortable here on FA, it was at the same time not. I really only have myself to blame for this though. To elaborate I think I would be a lot happier with myself if I wasn't an artist, and I was simply one of white noise of the community on a whole, because then a sense of belonging would be the only thing I would have to deal with. Course the problem is that I'm an artist, and that invites scrutiny, criticism, and judgement in general that other people don't have to deal with. I kinda think I deal with those things fairly well, but emotionally I don't think I'm well equipped to deal with such things for all that long. This isn't to mention the feeling of expectations that I try to live up to, and the possible disappointments that I end up being the cause of. I accept that I can't make everyone happy, doesn't make it any easier of a reality to live with.
█ I'm not particular sure what I'm going to be doing moving forward. There are many things I want to do, but at the same time don't. I think my life is like being a racecar which doesn't understand the concept of gas. If I knew what the fuel for my inspiration and motivation was I'd purse it to the ends of the earth, but it's just something that just appears for me; seemingly without purpose or meaning. When it comes I can put together things that amaze myself, that when I look back at later I go "I did that? How did I do that?" as if someone else had put that together, and maybe someone else did. Schizophrenia. I think that someone else was maybe who I used to be, that person who was full of life and energy who constantly goes into hiding because whenever he's out at the wrong time indescribable pain and emptiness is inflicted.
I had the thought earlier that if I was to ever write a book on my depression and other observations on life I'd probably call it "In the Company of Emptiness"
█ I also have my gallery mirrored on https://www.weasyl.com/profile/endium mostly
inaki's doing because there was no way I was going to upload everything myself manually.
|█████|MIND
|█████|SOUL
█ My apologies for not being around. Some people might get the title of this journal which is taken from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.c.....-part-two.html
Though before I get to that particular fun topic, my actual physical health:
I'm still sick. After being on two different types of prescribed antibiotics my tonsils still remain infected. I'm going to be getting an x-ray and blood testing at some point to try and pinpoint exactly what's happening. I don't actually feel sick mind you, physically anyways, it's just that I have a persistent annoying cough for well like three months now. Will see if there's an actual remedy, aside from removing my tonsils; I think I want to avoid that.
█ Anyways, back to the fish. If you went through the link I'll explain the main difference between my experience and what was put there: I'm a better actor. Most people don't have the slightest inkling that I have depression, and really this is true for a lot of depressed people. The reason that is probably because of people who continue to try and 'find' the 'missing fish.' It's easier for a depressed person to go looking for the missing fish when they know that the fish are actually dead. That it's easier to go "Hey I found the fish, thanks for the help" then be happy and smiling, than to continue to explain that the fish aren't missing, they're dead. There's a large disconnect in the level of understanding of what is reality for the person with depression and it takes a large amount of effort to explain the situation, and depressed people don't want to spend that much effort because it's simply frustrating.
Frustration is a common theme for depression, at least my depression. The lack of motivation, the inability to express or communicate the experience in a way that other people can comprehend. The guilt associated with people spending so much effort in 'finding your lost fish' when the problem is that the fish are dead. It's here a person who has no understanding of the metaphor goes 'why don't you get new fish?' which is pretty much saying 'why don't you get new emotions?' So yeah, frustrating.
I know people have spent time and effort in trying to 'find my fish' and I do end up feeling bad because I wasn't able to cheer up. It's a kind of a vicious feedback loop of depression, and I feel the need to apologize to these people for being unable to help.
█ Something else that I've somewhat realized recently is that being depressed is to be displaced from other people's sense of reality. "Normal" people, or I assume they are, seem unnaturally optimistic from my perspective; and perhaps at the same time naive. Ignorance is bliss and all that. The people in FA did give me some kind of sense of belonging and normalcy, but outside of the community it's still something that is displaced from other people's sense of reality. Or in other words it's not exactly something that's socially embraced with open arms on a whole. That in the eyes of society on a whole no matter where I decide to be I am an outcast. Now I tell myself that I don't think that's something that's particular important, but I think that might simply be a lie I'm telling myself. It might be this kind of reasoning is why some artists simply vanish without a trace, it seems to work out logically because they made a choice to want to be accepted as the larger part of society on a whole. I can see how that might be more stabilizing and more meaningful to a person on a whole, cause I have those thoughts myself now and then. As for myself I'm quite stuck in the middle of both sides of this fence. I think in a different world were sexuality was something that was more openly embraced I might be a more sane and actually happy, but that's not the world we live in. It's a subject that's often suppressed and oppressed, so as a reflection of that reality I often feel the exact same way.
Another semi-revelation I had was that while I found a place where I could be comfortable here on FA, it was at the same time not. I really only have myself to blame for this though. To elaborate I think I would be a lot happier with myself if I wasn't an artist, and I was simply one of white noise of the community on a whole, because then a sense of belonging would be the only thing I would have to deal with. Course the problem is that I'm an artist, and that invites scrutiny, criticism, and judgement in general that other people don't have to deal with. I kinda think I deal with those things fairly well, but emotionally I don't think I'm well equipped to deal with such things for all that long. This isn't to mention the feeling of expectations that I try to live up to, and the possible disappointments that I end up being the cause of. I accept that I can't make everyone happy, doesn't make it any easier of a reality to live with.
█ I'm not particular sure what I'm going to be doing moving forward. There are many things I want to do, but at the same time don't. I think my life is like being a racecar which doesn't understand the concept of gas. If I knew what the fuel for my inspiration and motivation was I'd purse it to the ends of the earth, but it's just something that just appears for me; seemingly without purpose or meaning. When it comes I can put together things that amaze myself, that when I look back at later I go "I did that? How did I do that?" as if someone else had put that together, and maybe someone else did. Schizophrenia. I think that someone else was maybe who I used to be, that person who was full of life and energy who constantly goes into hiding because whenever he's out at the wrong time indescribable pain and emptiness is inflicted.
I had the thought earlier that if I was to ever write a book on my depression and other observations on life I'd probably call it "In the Company of Emptiness"
█ I also have my gallery mirrored on https://www.weasyl.com/profile/endium mostly
inaki's doing because there was no way I was going to upload everything myself manually.
For some even depression is a choice. In most cases we make ourselves feel the way we do, be it subconsciously or consciously.
I kind of see depression as a really bad habit, one that's darned hard to get out of. For me personally I expression it in waves. I have periods where it's gone from the world and periods where I wonder where am I going with it all.
It does help to have someone there for you to share the burdens.
But I know what you mean with that feeling of never belonging anywhere. I've never felt part of any kind of social group. Even within my own family who I love and cherish there is still a part of me that feels outside to them. In the end it might all just be a thing you have to live with. After all there are far worse things to live with. Modern society in some instances has it so easy compared to those who live in constant struggle for their survival.
I often wonder what it would be like to be at that edge and make a split second decision to save your own life. Would that be enough to juice the body back? It would be I know, but only for so long. Since we forget, and the lessons are lost over time. And the cycle begins a new.
Depression is not an illness, it's a mental state of mind. Which can't be cured by a wonder drug, it'll come back eventually. The thing is finding new ways to deal with it. Exploring the world, finding new hobbies, new goals. Perhaps the lack of mental stimulation as a whole is what creates depression, the lack of inspiration, regardless of what it may be.
Also I'd go for removing your tonsils, they are after all an evolutionary defect, much like wisdom teeth. They no longer serve a purpose for our species.
I'd also argue that depression is indeed an illness, because it shares a lot of traits and effects with what we currently call these days PTSD. For me personally your advice really just falls under the "Where did you lose your fish" metaphor, mostly because you say in one sentence "There's no one definition" and then in the next you then go ahead define it as a "choice and a habit."
When was the last time you tried an attitude transplant that stuck?
What I stated were merely a slew of statements and potential interpretations of it. It all comes down to what you want to believe, as it does with anything really.
Sorry if I offended you, that was not my intention.
But you have to learn these things yourself. No one else can 'cure' you.
Hope you find your corn, and me too.
If you need a break from being an awe-inspiring and much adored artist, then you need to do what you feel is right and if your watchers can't understand that then so be it.
Yes, your streams are missed but we also know that you are a human being, not a machine...I, like many others, are just glad to hear from you.
Just rest and recover, but do 'check-in' from time to time, won't you?
To the topic of depression, while I haven't experienced the level you are at...I do understand of how it can reduce or nuke your desire to continue anything.
I think it would be pretty safe to say that most, if not all, of your watchers have at some point been under the gloom cloud of depression in some shape or form.
Though the levels and feelings of this condition vary from person to person...at its core it equals one thing...it makes us feel without hope, without drive to do what we love/like to do and that we are alone.
Just don't forget that we're here for you, not just for the wonderful art that you create.
As for the depression stuff, it comes and goes in cycles. Just the lows tend to last longer than the highs
-Huggles the dragon with a firm hold.- If only you could get physical hugs, this would probably be more effective.
Also, I thought you didn't want to make another gallery ^^;
My own personal perspective on normalcy varies though: on a whole, I find humanity to be fairly pessimistic, not believing the best in other (the whole "don't talk to strangers"). A test sample of this is to walk down the street of any busy city during rush hour. Maybe, out of the hundreds of people you pass, only two or three will be smiling. A lot of people hide depression, or unhappiness, more than what want to admit it.
I found I was in a similar position to you about a year ago, and perhaps my advice may be of assistance. You may have more trouble with this, being a fairly recognized artist, but I decided to get out and meet people. Even as a fairly introverted individual, I found that having people in the real life to talk to, and (eventually) gain their trust and trust them in return was one of the biggest steps to actually start enjoying life. From what I understand, there is an okay sized furry community there, and I don't exactly know how active you are in it. But if you aren't, then perhaps it's something to give a try to. The world is a difficult place, and as strange as the concept may seem, what effects you and your emotional status is largely your own choice. It's not as easy as "finding a new fish" unfortunately, because to come to this point of self-control where you can let things not bother you so much and look passed them requires a complete mental overhaul- but it is possible. The completely optimistic outlook perhaps is not the right one (as looking through the world with entirely rose-colour glasses is perhaps as unhealthy as seeing it through darkness), but I've found as I've grown that it is possible to strike a balance between positive and critical. What works for you may not be the same as what worked for me, but perhaps this will give you some food for thought.
Also, I wouldn't necessarily call it schizophrenia... We all change as we grow. And as long as we've changed the people who we are now are different from what we were in our passed, with the core staying the same. Most of us can look back on years, months, before and say "wow, I can't believe I was that back then" or some variation on it.
As usual when talking about mental illness, the feeling is familiar, but I've never had it to that extreme. Never more than a short trip down that road and then I bounce back. There doesn't even need to be a Piece of Corn, I could be staring at a blank wall at the moment of rebound.
I see the problem now. My Fish has never died. It's been sick, it's been Lost gasping and flopping, but always it found its way back into the water, even if by pure luck. How can I understand the problem of a Dead Fish if I've never seen it? Everyone knows what it's like to Lose a Fish, so when you say it's Dead, it's all we know. We've been to the Border of the Wasteland, looked over it, and turned back - but we've never walked in that Land.
This gives me a new idea, but it's probably flawed in a new way.
Can you make a go of it with a Dead Fish Skeleton? No emotion, all logic, like a Vulcan? do what makes logical sense in the absence of feelings?
Anyway, sleep, water, green tea, ginger, some sun exposure, take a walk outside a few times a week, hanging with people you care are the only things I can recommend from my experience to keep a healthy life style. ^'===='^
Take care, my friend.
The best advice I can really give is to try to reaffirm your own identity. Remind yourself of who you are. Meditate if you know how - learn if you don't. Cast out negative thought, cast out naive optimism, cast out everything and start over from scratch.
I've been where you are. In fact, I think I've been there a while. It's a terrible place. I really hope you feel better.
Hope you can find something in life that makes you happy.
If it makes any difference, you bring us happiness by your work and we're very grateful to have an artist like you.
I also feel that, despite a good professional/business relationship, we don't know each other all that well; we haven't really had the opportunity to break through our respective walls. So if there's a level of disconnect there, well, it's not necessarily optimism versus pessimism, just people who haven't really connected yet.
But that's us. As far as you go, I understand what you mean about being made to feel guilty when others can't cheer you up. In trying to do so, they put an unspoken obligation on you; they want their effort to bear fruit, and dealing with preserving their feelings on top of feeling bad doesn't really help matters. At the same time, it's in their nature to try, and the show of support can be welcome - just not always well-timed, and sometimes too insistent.
It weighs on me, also, that there'll always be a part of me that isn't acceptable to society on the whole. I can keep it hidden inside myself and function well in society, but it still comes down to keeping secrets or risking alienation, and that does make it hard to really, truly connect with people. As much as I unapologetically enjoy the things that I do, I do sometimes envy people who don't really have to feel that weight of secrecy and potential ostracism. I mean, it' not like I've done anything wrong. I just enjoy what I enjoy.
Of course, that others don't feel that way is a pretty big assumption to make - probably everyone has something about them that they have difficulty showing to the outside world. But I often wonder about, for example, if I were to run for some political position - would someone just dig out all my secrets and fetishes and destroy me with them, even though I probably have a higher standard of ethics than many politicians out there? Just being gay is enough to cause scandal, let alone having a thing for furries in bondage.
So, uh, I'm talking about me here, but I'm doing so to relate to what you're saying. And I guess I want to show that, to greater or lesser degrees, a lot of us have similar issues, and have to struggle with things that should be simple. And I don't in any way mean to belittle your depression or imply that it's "just normal anxiety" or the like, but maybe expressing this will help you to feel less alone?
As far as having to deal with the expectations of others, as an artist... well, it's a lot easier said than done, but I would, as always, encourage you to just do your own thing. Do what makes you want, as you always have, and the appreciation of those who are lucky enough to witness it will follow - as it always has.
Their mantra was "Action precedes motivation"
I'm currently off all my antidepressants and in a committed relationship and optimism exists again for the first time in almost 10 years.
If you need someone to listen or vent to, I have copious amounts of free time, a Skype, cell phone, various IM clients, and a sleep schedule accommodating 17 time zones >.>
I don't know if there is a solution for you, me, or anyone else suffering from depression. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. All I do know is that I'm not alone in these feelings, and neither are you.
Feel better. We care about you and miss seeing you here. *hug*
But with the tonsil thing, if I had a persistent cough and had to take antibiotics for it, I'd probably want them taken out already by then. Hope you have good enough luck that you don't have to though.
As far as having your tonsils out, avoid it if you can; recovery is like having strep throat for three straight weeks. Ugh, it's awful. But if you have to do it, it usually DOES work.
Good luck in your recovery(ies), on all fronts.
One thing I learned after I started watching opera and learned to enjoy things again (Opera is wonderful; it drags your emotions out of your body and leaves you a dazed, wonderful shell, kinda like religion tries to. So that period when I had no emotions and you couldn't pay me to give a fuck, this stuff was fanning whatever emotional embers I had)...
Well, I learned that the human mind is made to feel dissatisfied. First world problems, third world success. We complain about how slow video game mods are, even though it's countless miracles that we can actually play games that react to our touch and move actual characters around to tell stories. I complain about my animation, neglecting to marvel at the fact that I have the technology at my disposal to make drawings move and emote. That food is moldy in the fridge, at least it wasn't eaten by rats; and all the technology that exists to make it more appetizing and longer-lasting.
I have no internet at home, so i am often alone more than not, and I often keep myself separate from others, due to being alone. I haven't cried due to fear. I often don't cry because, I know that we are all hiding usually, or are fighting our own trench wars all alone. Many may know this saying, but i think, no set of words would match right now. He who stands with me shall be my brother.
Good advise, if antibiotics don't work, use time as the medicine. Most bacteria is beginning to get used to the medicines. I'm not a doctor, but I think you either have that or a virus. That's all, and get well soon