the problem i think, is that there has been a far too long "tradition" in western culture of blaming women for the trouble men get them and themselves into. and you know, if it was all in the past and the world were as enlightened as we sometimes like to thing it has become, you know, like maybe in another hundred years or so, then it might be easier to laugh at.

yah, its one of those things like swastikas and the 'n' word. both of which might have had innocent meanings long before they ever had bad ones, but the memory, there's still people living like me, who remember in their own lifetime, times when they were symbols for very horrible things.

First of all: Thanks a lot for the review and for listening.

So you are suggesting to cut out phrases like "deal with it" and "suck it up" or even furtherly putting the mommy more into the victim role?

Okay, the 'n' word is very bad. How about the 'j' word? How offensive is that one? Or mommy-cow?

Or I might even put in lines like "But you will tough it ... out!" or like "We need more mommies now, oh-oh we need more mommies... like you"...

I'm gonna be really honest. First off, it's just not that funny. At all. Second, the lyrics are really uncomfortable and very demeaning towards moms/women. The fact is, it comes off as kinda mean spirited.

The main problem, I think, is the voice and the delivery. You don't really have the kind of voice and personality to make something like this work. Crude/mean humor doesn't seem to be your thing or suit you.

Please don't get discouraged, by the way. I understand you weren't intending for it to come off the way it did, at least to me. You're really good at writing lyrics and at the whole parody thing, have a great voice and musicianship. Hopefully you'll get more feedback on this.

I'm not discouraged, but rather very thankful for your honesty. If I want to make this work, it of crucial importance!. I mean I guess I really have someting here. Something that even might be worth to make a funny video and upload on Youtube. It would be a pity if I screw this chance up by using some bad inflections or bad jokes. I just realized that this is gonna need some more work in several ways.

And I totally agree with you, that the lyrics came out much too harsh. Too much emphasis on the downsides and the blaming. The song should be enjoyable and suitable for everyone. Especially with such a topic that addresses so many people throughout the whole world.

About the voice: maybe you (or even I) underestimate the versatility of my own voice. I sung in a very well-behave manner. I think I can pull off some more whimsical vocals, similar like I did in the last 2 verses ... or even more. And if that doesn't work either, i can try to use a pitch-shifter like MaxGoof does in some of his songs. Or even find another vocalist who is more suitable for parodies. But honestly, i'd prefer to sing it myself.

Thank you also for the kind words. This is actually not the only parody, I'm working on ATM. So stay tuned. I'd be more than happy to get more of you honest feedback! That' one of the main reasons why I'm uploading here on FA. Even if my stuff is hardly furty-associated.
Ir as a wise man once said: applause is by no means the bread of the artist. It's CRITIQUE! :3

By delivery I guess I should clarify/be more specific. I mean to say it isn't..saucy...enough? There needs to be some snark, a little more passion to it. It's delivered in a very matter of fact tone when it's very snarky.

That's if you were sticking with the original lyrics. I guess it just seems like you weren't in the right frame of mind to write the appropriate lyrics. I kinda get what you were after here. You just need a subtle shift. When I write my parodies, I tend to write them spur of the moment. Usually they're written when I'm in a specific mood..maybe try rewriting when you feel like you're in the right mood for it?

It's really hard to give songwriting advice. I'm no songwriter (I fuck around more than anything) so all this might be me talking out of my tailhole for all I know. I just know what works for me, but my parodies are very specific and few folks outside of the forums I post them on would get my humor. For instance, a parody of Dire Straits 'Industrial Disease' called 'We trust that you'll release' that I posted on the Runic Games forum when they were a few months out from releasing Torchlight II.

I think it fit, and was pretty good If I do say so myself, but the lyrics were very specific and mentioned people only a regular forum goer would know. I'm not saying follow my example. At the same time, I hope maybe that explains what I mean by capturing the right mood. It was a bit of a light hearted snark aimed at the complainers who wanted a release date that would really only be 'gotten' by the folks who had been around long enough to notice the ten thousand release date threads that had already been posted.

Our chat here seems to go out of hand. I think we should continue this on Skype or so. :)

Someone will always be offended. I do not consider offensive because it's true! Sometimes REALLY happen that way. (Sometimes, but happens).

But as has been said, your voice did not suit this style of music.

Considering that I hear things like "Dying Fetus" (Kill your mother, rape your dog)

Thanks for the review! I agree, but I think I've also realized something important from what you said: I'm telling the truth. I've listened to alot of parodies now, especially from Weird Al Yankovic, and I think telling the truth is not enough. I've to take the truth and exxagerate it by 100% (... so that 100% and 100% equals 200%, right? :D Well, fuck the maths!)

And for my voice... yea, I'll work on that. :/