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Hit a slump =(
12 years ago
Hey all, Not too sure if many people read this thing, but I'm gonna keep ticketty tackin' at this keyboard until everything's said that I want to have said. Not really one to make lengthy journals either because I like to keep things short and simple, mainly because I know that not too many people like to read too much but also because I never have too much to say. Introverts are like that, ya know. So, this is more of a personal entry than anything else. A vent if you will.
First and foremost, I want to get rid of this self inflicted drama off of my chest. It's been bothering me for the past couple of weeks to the point where I get headaches and it becomes insanely difficult to concentrate on anything else. I'm gonna start by EXAGGERATING that I am an ISFJ according to the Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator. What does this entail? One of the reasons I'm in this emotional slump, actually. I can't stop giving. It's in my nature to. I can never say no to anyone that asks me a favor, and when I do, I have a painful itch that I can never sate. It sits on my conscience until I cave. Basically, on a day-to-day basis, I'm taken advantage of. Oftentimes, I want to have never existed in the eyes of many so that I could live out the rest of my days as a hermit or a nomad. Not even joking, I want to up and leave right now and forget all of my responsibilities. I have virtually no debt, no kids, I have a ridiculously high paying job, I'm in very good shape and my credit's flawless. I could fall off the face of the earth and no one in the system would even bat an eye. But there's that little itch is holding me back. I don't have a daughter, I have a God-daughter for whom I and my sibling watch over. I don't live with my parents, my parents and I live mutually where I carry a considerable amount of the weight. I don't work an hour away from my home because I want to, I work an hour away from home because I feel it's my obligation to provide. It's my obligation because my grandparents, both on their death beds, told me to take care of my family. I feel the need to oblige. Anything that I do out of greed will be seen as just that. I feel like Sabin when he's holding up that building in Tzen. I feel like the keystone. If I leave, everything will crumble and I'll have that on my conscious for the rest of my life. I don't want that. But at the same time, I don't want the responsibility that I've committed myself to. It's a tether that I made myself and I can't break from it. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. For fuck's sake.
Which brings me to my second notion, and that's a relationship. This is an extremely touchy subject for me but I can't leave this journal until I drop this onto the public crowd. Whether anyone's read this far or not, I don't care. I just want this thing off my chest. I'm single, and until recently, I was looking. But, I've come to realize that looking for a potential partner on the internet is not only impractical, but it's heartbreaking. There are certain criteria that need to be filled, some of them proximity related; Age, Location etc, but most of them personal preferences. It's tough to find an artistic bubbly extrovert in great physical condition attracted to the opposite sex AND within reasonable driving distance, but it doesn't help that I live in the middle of the woods, it doesn't help that just about everyone on the internet is introverted and it's a bummer that a great deal of women on here are attracted to other women. Don't get me wrong, I support any kind of love in any form, but it's just... a bummer for me.
I've been told time and time again, that I'm kind, that I'm patient, that I'm a great guy. But where has that gotten me? I dropped potential careers to care for someone else's folly, I've sacrificed time and money to care for people I don't even know, I was put in the psyche ward because I wanted to keep a dying relationship kindled. I've had so many boots shoved up my ass when I couldn't provide anymore that it's really starting to burn. I give until I'm wrung dry and where am I now? Yep. An AAS in Digital Animation working a job as a heavy machine operator in a freezer twelve hours a day raising a five year old from infancy, giving every last dime that I earn to a thankless dead-beat and slowly losing friend after friend because I deactivated my facebook out of envy for their progression in life while I slosh around in everyone's waste, digging deeper and deeper into my pockets for the satisfaction of giving. I'm terribly sick of it and getting sick from it. Steel can bend so much, rubber can stretch so far... I'm at my wit's end.
But, to the friends that I have, my world would be absolutely nothing without you. You actually give to me. When I deny, you insist and there's nothing that I appreciate more than that. You give me meaning, you give me something to look forward to. And I love you all for that.
About commissions. I'm gonna be closing them for a while. I'll leave them open for friends that I know personally and even then, will treat them as gifts or requests. I've had commissioners in the past that have been incredibly generous. I thank you to no end. This has nothing to do with you all, but in the state that I'm in, I can't concentrate.
To Vier and Christie personally, I won't be finishing that series anytime soon and I apologize with every ounce of sincerity in me. I just can't do it right now.
If you decided to skip to the bottom of this journal, or read the whole thing and don't really care, have a box of puppies. =) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93xNiQAXtMA
It's the least I can do.
First and foremost, I want to get rid of this self inflicted drama off of my chest. It's been bothering me for the past couple of weeks to the point where I get headaches and it becomes insanely difficult to concentrate on anything else. I'm gonna start by EXAGGERATING that I am an ISFJ according to the Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator. What does this entail? One of the reasons I'm in this emotional slump, actually. I can't stop giving. It's in my nature to. I can never say no to anyone that asks me a favor, and when I do, I have a painful itch that I can never sate. It sits on my conscience until I cave. Basically, on a day-to-day basis, I'm taken advantage of. Oftentimes, I want to have never existed in the eyes of many so that I could live out the rest of my days as a hermit or a nomad. Not even joking, I want to up and leave right now and forget all of my responsibilities. I have virtually no debt, no kids, I have a ridiculously high paying job, I'm in very good shape and my credit's flawless. I could fall off the face of the earth and no one in the system would even bat an eye. But there's that little itch is holding me back. I don't have a daughter, I have a God-daughter for whom I and my sibling watch over. I don't live with my parents, my parents and I live mutually where I carry a considerable amount of the weight. I don't work an hour away from my home because I want to, I work an hour away from home because I feel it's my obligation to provide. It's my obligation because my grandparents, both on their death beds, told me to take care of my family. I feel the need to oblige. Anything that I do out of greed will be seen as just that. I feel like Sabin when he's holding up that building in Tzen. I feel like the keystone. If I leave, everything will crumble and I'll have that on my conscious for the rest of my life. I don't want that. But at the same time, I don't want the responsibility that I've committed myself to. It's a tether that I made myself and I can't break from it. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. For fuck's sake.
Which brings me to my second notion, and that's a relationship. This is an extremely touchy subject for me but I can't leave this journal until I drop this onto the public crowd. Whether anyone's read this far or not, I don't care. I just want this thing off my chest. I'm single, and until recently, I was looking. But, I've come to realize that looking for a potential partner on the internet is not only impractical, but it's heartbreaking. There are certain criteria that need to be filled, some of them proximity related; Age, Location etc, but most of them personal preferences. It's tough to find an artistic bubbly extrovert in great physical condition attracted to the opposite sex AND within reasonable driving distance, but it doesn't help that I live in the middle of the woods, it doesn't help that just about everyone on the internet is introverted and it's a bummer that a great deal of women on here are attracted to other women. Don't get me wrong, I support any kind of love in any form, but it's just... a bummer for me.
I've been told time and time again, that I'm kind, that I'm patient, that I'm a great guy. But where has that gotten me? I dropped potential careers to care for someone else's folly, I've sacrificed time and money to care for people I don't even know, I was put in the psyche ward because I wanted to keep a dying relationship kindled. I've had so many boots shoved up my ass when I couldn't provide anymore that it's really starting to burn. I give until I'm wrung dry and where am I now? Yep. An AAS in Digital Animation working a job as a heavy machine operator in a freezer twelve hours a day raising a five year old from infancy, giving every last dime that I earn to a thankless dead-beat and slowly losing friend after friend because I deactivated my facebook out of envy for their progression in life while I slosh around in everyone's waste, digging deeper and deeper into my pockets for the satisfaction of giving. I'm terribly sick of it and getting sick from it. Steel can bend so much, rubber can stretch so far... I'm at my wit's end.
But, to the friends that I have, my world would be absolutely nothing without you. You actually give to me. When I deny, you insist and there's nothing that I appreciate more than that. You give me meaning, you give me something to look forward to. And I love you all for that.
About commissions. I'm gonna be closing them for a while. I'll leave them open for friends that I know personally and even then, will treat them as gifts or requests. I've had commissioners in the past that have been incredibly generous. I thank you to no end. This has nothing to do with you all, but in the state that I'm in, I can't concentrate.
To Vier and Christie personally, I won't be finishing that series anytime soon and I apologize with every ounce of sincerity in me. I just can't do it right now.
If you decided to skip to the bottom of this journal, or read the whole thing and don't really care, have a box of puppies. =) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93xNiQAXtMA
It's the least I can do.
And I must say that I wish I could help, but I really cannot. You see, I'm a family person, I put family first before anything else. And this is what I'll say to you, your friends? The ones you feel they wronged you, delete them from your life and never look back, your family however? This is another subject entirely, friends can be found or re-found, family, not so much.
I can't say much more or given any other advice, those things...advices, are dangerous so I'll just say that if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, you can talk to me.
And family is a strong factor, but at the same time, they're insanely difficult to boot if they've wronged you. Friends you can pick and chooses and keep the best of 'em. The thing is, though, not anyone oppressing me, but me unable to say ' "no". Its a trait that always gets me burned in the end because everyone knows that I'll always accept and fulfill the duties they bestow on me.
If it happens now, in a month or two years from now on, that I cannot say, I can only tell that you'll have to decide, and then thisis a choice you are going to have to take, the only thing I can tell to you is that I hope you'll pick the choice that makes you most happy in the end.
But I do think you need to live YOUR life , how to go about that im not sure. Its possible that you will be the only provider for that godchild , which in case is your tether. But what I notices is when you move out of home ,, people tend to take responsibility out of necessity , aka whoever the true parents are.
Take whatever decision you feel is right , which will help others the most while putting purpose into your life.
And don't ditch your dreams , you'll go insane if you do.
Anywho, thanks for the advice man. Thing is, tthough, I do know what I want and that's full liberation. Hermitude my be a bit extreme, but that was more of an exaggeration. My issue is having my cake and eating it, too. In other words, I don't know how to fulfill my ambitions while keeping the peace. I've often considered getting an apartment nearby, and honestly, I think that's Be a huge step in the right direction. I've just gotta take care of the rest of my debt, which isn't much, actually. However, that'll keep my expenses in check, which, basically, means that I'll have cut off everyone's life support.
Also, if I pull myself from the equation there will be two biological parents there, but effectively, one parent and one liability. If the liability one day stepped into an interdimentional portal and was torn to ribbons by some crazy race of cheese graters, I wouldn't feel so bad about leaving. It would be one significantly less weight on my conscious.
And, doing what I felt was right was what got me into this whole messy pile. So I suppose that what I've been doing was wrong in my own regard XP
Anywho, thanks for slippin me your two cents. Gotta head off to work now, thought. Workin the night shift in freezer! OORAH! =P
I hope you feel better soon. You're a great friend and it is sad to see you upset like this.
Don't worry about the commission. It can wait, you are more important <3
luuuffs
A kid I work with is in a similar boat and we made plans to move to Pennsylvania once our job closes for the winter. Since neither of us have anything (relationship, family, solid job...) were dropping everything and leaving, hoping for a fresh start in Pa. You'll find what your looking for soon enough, and know that its almost impossible to care for others if you don't take care of yourself first.
If you want, your more than welcome to join me in my move to Pa, the plan is to find a place and start anew without going to far from home. Plans are still in the works so an extra person is more than welcome!
... and yea
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YuLwJPhvYA
Anywho, thanks for puttin' your two cents in the matter. It's good to hear from others, especially those who've seen similar hardships.
Also, pretty pretty angler fish.