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Been going in circles for a long time now.
12 years ago
·●🐾━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━🐾●· Feeling extremely anxious....stressed....unsure what to do....so many thoughts....complications....what if's....
If I carry on any longer will I just drive myself insane? Or everyone else insane?
Will I just....fall off the radar...never to be seen or heard from again.
Would anyone so much as remember if I was here or not here?
What about at home in the real world...what would be the consequences of my actions if I took them...would it ruin it for many just as it has before....but sparing me from a life without answers?
I'd be too scared to not know but I'm so afraid of what I already know....and how I know....and why I know....or that I am probably just doomed to live out the same thing over and over...everybody else doing their own thing and me in my little world not getting any better and only worse...
Maybe if I went to bed now and never woke up wouldn't that be a good thing? Then I couldn't know....no worries of what is and what isn't ....who will curse it and who I'd leave behind.
Pft it's not something I can just say without thought first...my condition won't allow that of course- full of stigma and offence to those who hear it's name, that or ridicule- I'm just like the others they'd say- oh of course without having lived it themselves or listened to those who claim to know what they secretly don't. I've lived with it for over 20 years of awareness and the longer it's been the more I loth it....the more I wish I didn't have it...the more the bad outweighs the good-
It stops me being creatively forward- not being able to fulfil what I desire in any form of media....drawing, music, anything. The fear and anxiety of never reaching that mental goal pushing me back to a shivering and lonely start. I want to. I WANT TO! But fuck my brain won't allow it. It won't turn out how I want it of course! I don't have to skills to...and never will get the confidence or drive to push those skills and better them...
I won't get better...it's impossible....this feeling of failure is drilling into my mind forever now and no amount of begging...advice from others....anything thrown at me will chance.
I'm a failure and that'll never change. It's written in my brain, and the brains of those who've suffered at the hands of mine.
I'm sorry everyone... I..I don't want to do this anymore...
If I carry on any longer will I just drive myself insane? Or everyone else insane?
Will I just....fall off the radar...never to be seen or heard from again.
Would anyone so much as remember if I was here or not here?
What about at home in the real world...what would be the consequences of my actions if I took them...would it ruin it for many just as it has before....but sparing me from a life without answers?
I'd be too scared to not know but I'm so afraid of what I already know....and how I know....and why I know....or that I am probably just doomed to live out the same thing over and over...everybody else doing their own thing and me in my little world not getting any better and only worse...
Maybe if I went to bed now and never woke up wouldn't that be a good thing? Then I couldn't know....no worries of what is and what isn't ....who will curse it and who I'd leave behind.
Pft it's not something I can just say without thought first...my condition won't allow that of course- full of stigma and offence to those who hear it's name, that or ridicule- I'm just like the others they'd say- oh of course without having lived it themselves or listened to those who claim to know what they secretly don't. I've lived with it for over 20 years of awareness and the longer it's been the more I loth it....the more I wish I didn't have it...the more the bad outweighs the good-
It stops me being creatively forward- not being able to fulfil what I desire in any form of media....drawing, music, anything. The fear and anxiety of never reaching that mental goal pushing me back to a shivering and lonely start. I want to. I WANT TO! But fuck my brain won't allow it. It won't turn out how I want it of course! I don't have to skills to...and never will get the confidence or drive to push those skills and better them...
I won't get better...it's impossible....this feeling of failure is drilling into my mind forever now and no amount of begging...advice from others....anything thrown at me will chance.
I'm a failure and that'll never change. It's written in my brain, and the brains of those who've suffered at the hands of mine.
I'm sorry everyone... I..I don't want to do this anymore...
I care about you...
Come on skype and chat with your friends, you will feel better.