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Good Mother of God(s)...These Feelings...What are they?
17 years ago
Yes the name is absurdly long, but it does present itself as how I am feeling right now. So, heres the plot of this journal:
Very recently I have become confused about feelings I am having towards some people. Alot of them...well, their controversial to other things happening in life. Its a moment in life where I want to go outside, on the balcony of the two floor house I am living in now and yell at the top of my lungs WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! Day in and Day out I have delt with people, and kept so silent about it all, and most know me that way about being quiet and collected half the time. Well, this entire blog will be how im feeling as of late...just like the concern of my love life, this will concern my feelings.
Just recently, VERY recently, I have contacted someone very close to my heart. Someone I cannot have. Someone who is taken. Someone who is happy with who they are with. I cannot get in the way of that. But...Ever since I had lost them...I will give out a open admittance that I always secretly wished that something would happen to where I could be there for them again...That may be sick to wish someone break up with someone else. Perhaps its more normal than im giving it credit for, actually. Its called jealousy. I haven't experienced it often in this sense. But heres the full of it. Im torn between choices and emotions. What do I do, really, when there have been things said, things offered, things in the way things of ALL SORTS collaborating to stop what I or anyone else seeks or truely wants.
So now I ask myself: Do I really...Should I really...Can I really...In a sequence of repeating notions followed by a answer for each that differs each cycle. Right now, really how I truly feel possibly is alone. Alone in this world, with friends by my side, without love, living at home in the middle of no where, my only outlet being this computer with minor ties to the outside world. That must be what I am feeling really is loneliness, being here without a mate, being here without love, maybe. But I already bitched and whined about that enough. Maybe im just sick the lack of opportunities there are around where I live to find a mate. She doesnt have to be a fur, but a bonus that would be. Im not saying im sick of online responses, or that im no longer in love with people I know thusly...but...its finally hit me to the point that I want something...tangible. Someone to hold at night, be with during the day, spend my INCREASINGLY free time with. These feelings are a mix of then anger of what I then lack of.
Anger is coming from the lack of opportunities there are at getting a job. I have collective 3 years experience in multiple fields of work, and yet I call, apply, and cannot get hired. Why is this...Someone fully explain to me the incredible idioticy that there is behind the lack of employment for someone with experience and knowledge. What the fuck, I am saying to this, do I have to do? Thats a lie if I HAVE to have a collage degree to just find work. Thats a lie if I cannot get a job without being some kind of sick sex whore (the thought DID cross my mind at a few points in time in the past), but what is to say, I would still have a job if it wasnt for a certain Ex of my own who got me kicked out of his house and decided to treat me like shit on the way out, and didnt even have the heart or gull to stand up to his parents when I was feeling miserable...That is a story for another day...since it will explain to alot and anger some.
I feel less and less happiness as time goes on...I dont know what it is...I have a hobby, and that is playing video games...TCG's, MMO's, cleaning thanks to mild OCD, and writing...I find that I do not lose happiness in my writing, but I feel that I cannot find the correct inspiration...Anyone who has seen my recent works would agree (Reminder to self: post poetry). I just cannot seemingly be HONESTLY happy. I do not understand why THAT is either...I more than deserve happiness as I have wished on those who know me, so why...why am I feeling so...unhappy? Why does it feel each day I wake up, despite it being a routine of what I do, I seem to be less and less in the mood to do anything of the day...This is not laziness, but of something that may as well be depression, which is another feeling I have long forgotten how to feel. What is there for me that needs to be done for me to properly know what happiness is again? Do I need to work? Do I need love? Do I need money? Do I need encouragement? Do I need friends? Do I need such things in life that we lose so easily in moments to lifetimes?
I only have this to say: I am not suicidal, as many would know my opinion on the matter. Suicide is a idiots way out. Killing yourself brings only sadness to others, not your own happiness. Emo-Cutting is only trying to null pain with pain...that does not work either, not that I have tried, but known all too many who did/do. Ive been shot, stabbed, hit, fought, attacked, I have so many scars that I keep hidden, that no one would really see...And all these scars are not just physical either. Not one being I know alive today does not have emotional senses of betrayal, hurt, that doesnt simply ever go away. Im going to end this journal with a unique paragraph of feeling, and description:
My name is Stephen Harry Fischer III, otherwise known as Remy Kennith Lee. I am 6'1", with dirty-blonde hair, ocean blue eyes, a well endowed lower region, weigh 185, and I am a fur. I am a nine tailed fox, and I plan on living for another 1900 years, either mythically, or literally. I have loved so many, lost just the same, and in the end I say this to all who took the time to read this:
Know not what I do
What ive done
Who I am
Why i'm here
And I will be a shadow
Dark like the night
Blending in with ebony silence
Not expressing myself to the world
Find out what I do
What Ive done
Who I am
Why I'm here
You will know gentle purity
Full of emotion
Full of life
Full of happiness
Accept me for what I do
What Ive done
Who I am
Why I'm here
There will be peace within
Joy and romance inherit
Life will be acceptable
Love will course throughout
Know of what I do
What Ive done
Who I am
Why I'm Here
You will know my Name
You will know my Existance
You will know my Love
And above all else
You will have your life changed forever.
Very recently I have become confused about feelings I am having towards some people. Alot of them...well, their controversial to other things happening in life. Its a moment in life where I want to go outside, on the balcony of the two floor house I am living in now and yell at the top of my lungs WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! Day in and Day out I have delt with people, and kept so silent about it all, and most know me that way about being quiet and collected half the time. Well, this entire blog will be how im feeling as of late...just like the concern of my love life, this will concern my feelings.
Just recently, VERY recently, I have contacted someone very close to my heart. Someone I cannot have. Someone who is taken. Someone who is happy with who they are with. I cannot get in the way of that. But...Ever since I had lost them...I will give out a open admittance that I always secretly wished that something would happen to where I could be there for them again...That may be sick to wish someone break up with someone else. Perhaps its more normal than im giving it credit for, actually. Its called jealousy. I haven't experienced it often in this sense. But heres the full of it. Im torn between choices and emotions. What do I do, really, when there have been things said, things offered, things in the way things of ALL SORTS collaborating to stop what I or anyone else seeks or truely wants.
So now I ask myself: Do I really...Should I really...Can I really...In a sequence of repeating notions followed by a answer for each that differs each cycle. Right now, really how I truly feel possibly is alone. Alone in this world, with friends by my side, without love, living at home in the middle of no where, my only outlet being this computer with minor ties to the outside world. That must be what I am feeling really is loneliness, being here without a mate, being here without love, maybe. But I already bitched and whined about that enough. Maybe im just sick the lack of opportunities there are around where I live to find a mate. She doesnt have to be a fur, but a bonus that would be. Im not saying im sick of online responses, or that im no longer in love with people I know thusly...but...its finally hit me to the point that I want something...tangible. Someone to hold at night, be with during the day, spend my INCREASINGLY free time with. These feelings are a mix of then anger of what I then lack of.
Anger is coming from the lack of opportunities there are at getting a job. I have collective 3 years experience in multiple fields of work, and yet I call, apply, and cannot get hired. Why is this...Someone fully explain to me the incredible idioticy that there is behind the lack of employment for someone with experience and knowledge. What the fuck, I am saying to this, do I have to do? Thats a lie if I HAVE to have a collage degree to just find work. Thats a lie if I cannot get a job without being some kind of sick sex whore (the thought DID cross my mind at a few points in time in the past), but what is to say, I would still have a job if it wasnt for a certain Ex of my own who got me kicked out of his house and decided to treat me like shit on the way out, and didnt even have the heart or gull to stand up to his parents when I was feeling miserable...That is a story for another day...since it will explain to alot and anger some.
I feel less and less happiness as time goes on...I dont know what it is...I have a hobby, and that is playing video games...TCG's, MMO's, cleaning thanks to mild OCD, and writing...I find that I do not lose happiness in my writing, but I feel that I cannot find the correct inspiration...Anyone who has seen my recent works would agree (Reminder to self: post poetry). I just cannot seemingly be HONESTLY happy. I do not understand why THAT is either...I more than deserve happiness as I have wished on those who know me, so why...why am I feeling so...unhappy? Why does it feel each day I wake up, despite it being a routine of what I do, I seem to be less and less in the mood to do anything of the day...This is not laziness, but of something that may as well be depression, which is another feeling I have long forgotten how to feel. What is there for me that needs to be done for me to properly know what happiness is again? Do I need to work? Do I need love? Do I need money? Do I need encouragement? Do I need friends? Do I need such things in life that we lose so easily in moments to lifetimes?
I only have this to say: I am not suicidal, as many would know my opinion on the matter. Suicide is a idiots way out. Killing yourself brings only sadness to others, not your own happiness. Emo-Cutting is only trying to null pain with pain...that does not work either, not that I have tried, but known all too many who did/do. Ive been shot, stabbed, hit, fought, attacked, I have so many scars that I keep hidden, that no one would really see...And all these scars are not just physical either. Not one being I know alive today does not have emotional senses of betrayal, hurt, that doesnt simply ever go away. Im going to end this journal with a unique paragraph of feeling, and description:
My name is Stephen Harry Fischer III, otherwise known as Remy Kennith Lee. I am 6'1", with dirty-blonde hair, ocean blue eyes, a well endowed lower region, weigh 185, and I am a fur. I am a nine tailed fox, and I plan on living for another 1900 years, either mythically, or literally. I have loved so many, lost just the same, and in the end I say this to all who took the time to read this:
Know not what I do
What ive done
Who I am
Why i'm here
And I will be a shadow
Dark like the night
Blending in with ebony silence
Not expressing myself to the world
Find out what I do
What Ive done
Who I am
Why I'm here
You will know gentle purity
Full of emotion
Full of life
Full of happiness
Accept me for what I do
What Ive done
Who I am
Why I'm here
There will be peace within
Joy and romance inherit
Life will be acceptable
Love will course throughout
Know of what I do
What Ive done
Who I am
Why I'm Here
You will know my Name
You will know my Existance
You will know my Love
And above all else
You will have your life changed forever.
Let me know if there's anything you need, and don't hesistate to ask.
I cannot explain why you're not able to get a job, or why you're having all this bad luck. But by reading this, I get the impression that your unhappy feeling is caused by bottled up emotions. And might also be the main trigger for your confusion. Fueled by unable to get a job, the inactive love life, and all the other stuff you mentioned. Of course I have no doubt you knew this much already.
Because honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with you physically. I think you're unhappy because you have mental issues that need to be cleared before you do anything else. I think you do have the answers, but just not able to acknowledge them yet. This is very common with people who suppressed emotions/events in the past.
Normally, I wouldn't recommend a psychologist to someone, but in this case I think one might be able to help you find the answers to the many ''why''s that haunt you.
Once again, not much help, but I hope it did help some.
Take care.
I must say *laughing softly* "Mental Issues" Never occurred to me in the past. When I read that I considered maybe you thought I was crazy or the like. But some of the "Why"s I ask are able to be answered by someone, somewhere. I just know it and I feel that asking the right people may as well bring out the answers I seek. True enough I do bottle up my emotions, because I find no reason to really express them. Maybe thats coming back to bite me in the nine-tailed ass.
Thanks for your words, and it helps to know someone else pays attention to what I do for a change.
Hehe, well, that came out a bit wrong. Of course I didn't meant to imply that you were crazy or something. I just have the bad habit to call every little mental disability from depression to schizophrenia a mental issue. ^^; In your case I just meant depression and maybe some minor others.
And, no problem by the way, when someone has a problem that he/she deals with on daily bases, then an minor hour of my time is nothing. Same goes here.
Take care. ;7