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Cold Turkey
12 years ago
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Some of you saw this coming and a lot of you haven’t, nonetheless the time has come. Things haven't been the same since Germany, I feel different.. Almost like something new has awoken inside me, finally giving me the initiative to make some drastic changes.
For the past year I’ve been debating my place in the fandom, wondering if I still served a purpose or if I had anything left to gain. I suppose most people would say those things don’t matter, stick with what makes you happy. The problem is I don’t think I’ve been happy, just tricking myself to believe that I am. I’m just fatigued by the repetition the fandom brings such as, cons, booze, sex etc. The irony here is that I continue to allow myself to be exposed to these things even going across an ocean just to see the same things I’ve been accustomed to in a different language. I don’t even know why I do it, maybe it’s an excuse to leave work behind for a while or maybe its because its all I really know. For the past 8 years the furry fandom has been a top priority in my life, to the point its all I ever spend my money and time on. I don’t think that’s healthy, the fact that I actually took time out this year to spend time with my coworkers outside of work absolutely floors me, being that I’ve been there for 5 years. My only legit non furry friend is in the army and he’s already married with a big house and everything. Being a year older than him, I would be a crazy not to be a little jealous. I’m not doing anything important with my life, I cant even change jobs because going to a con every month or two puts a roadblock in that plan. Things need to change and pretending I’m perfectly content with where my future is heading is no longer cutting it. The reoccurring greymuzzle nightmare I’ve been having further solidifies that fact.
The true reason why I feel so bummed is simple, I’m lonely. I don’t feel like I ask for much but maybe things would be different if I had a hand to hold, someone to share things with at the end of the day, a purpose to keep someone happy and safe in this crazy world of ours. Instead I’ve been met with husky handshakes, dick nuzzles, bedroom invites and internet talk that means absolute shit to me. I get it, I’m supposed to be this fantasy that people have when they see my character, that’s who I’m supposed to be 24/7 right? And I’ll admit in my moments of weakness I can become that fantasy because I’m pretty fucking good at it but as a wise friend once said, “just because you gain pleasure from something, doesn’t necessarily mean you like it.” And he’s totally right, this murry purry shit is dumb, in the sense that its like no one wants a relationship anymore and if they do, its an open one. People just want attention, no matter how long or from who, its a revolving door of maybe somedays and fuck buddies. Its all I see now a days and I can’t do it anymore, its too depressing. The honor of feeling special is now a rarity, replaced with a competition to see how fast it takes to get someones clothes off. Ironically yiff is how I found the fandom in the first place, but when you grow older you realize how precious time is and learn to value the important things in life. All I want is to be in a relationship with a girl despite how I may act sometimes because hey, its easy to flirt and sometimes its fun. I’m not perfect and I try to do the right thing but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t find what I’m looking for and keeping faith may be why I felt like I overstayed my welcome. I’ve come close a few times but nothing ever works and over time, that can make you angry... But instead of going down that path, I’d rather just give up hope. I’m tired.. of being someone that’s trying to appeal to everyone by keeping the party going but in reality, the party ended for me a long time ago. I joined the fandom cause I didn’t fit in anywhere else, 8 years later I feel a sense of deja vu.
From this day forward I’ll be going cold turkey from all things furry related. That means no more meets, cons, fursuiting, or anything that would involve people wearing a badge of some sort. I’ll be available on FA for a few more days to answer questions but after that, radio silence with notes being disabled. I’m sorry but this is the only way I see fit in order to find the answers I seek and for the nightmares to stop. My friends will remain my friends, but I’m completely aware that some of you will stop talking to me due to my decision and I accept that. This isn’t going to be easy but I know its for the best. As you know my fursuit is now retired, I figured why wait for it to grow old and decay when I can go out on top knowing that I’ve done everything I wanted to do with it and so much more. The kind words I’ve received have been very well cherished and much appreciated, I thank you all for the love that you’ve shown. To the NY Furs, I hope you guys become active again, I know its my fault why the group has been so idle and for that I apologize, and that apology extends to anyone who was expecting a future event from me. The fandom will always be special to me, we critique and criticize things because we want to see them get better. Underneath all that smut lies a heart, that unites people and sparks creativity. I hope people can still see that from time to time, as well as understand my reasoning for leaving. I’d rather take a risk by stepping out of my comfort zone for a chance at true happiness over devolving into a shell of my former self. I may return briefly to do a New Year’s journal cause I love doing those. Until then, farewell and good luck everyone, and may the power protect you.
-Edwin
For the past year I’ve been debating my place in the fandom, wondering if I still served a purpose or if I had anything left to gain. I suppose most people would say those things don’t matter, stick with what makes you happy. The problem is I don’t think I’ve been happy, just tricking myself to believe that I am. I’m just fatigued by the repetition the fandom brings such as, cons, booze, sex etc. The irony here is that I continue to allow myself to be exposed to these things even going across an ocean just to see the same things I’ve been accustomed to in a different language. I don’t even know why I do it, maybe it’s an excuse to leave work behind for a while or maybe its because its all I really know. For the past 8 years the furry fandom has been a top priority in my life, to the point its all I ever spend my money and time on. I don’t think that’s healthy, the fact that I actually took time out this year to spend time with my coworkers outside of work absolutely floors me, being that I’ve been there for 5 years. My only legit non furry friend is in the army and he’s already married with a big house and everything. Being a year older than him, I would be a crazy not to be a little jealous. I’m not doing anything important with my life, I cant even change jobs because going to a con every month or two puts a roadblock in that plan. Things need to change and pretending I’m perfectly content with where my future is heading is no longer cutting it. The reoccurring greymuzzle nightmare I’ve been having further solidifies that fact.
The true reason why I feel so bummed is simple, I’m lonely. I don’t feel like I ask for much but maybe things would be different if I had a hand to hold, someone to share things with at the end of the day, a purpose to keep someone happy and safe in this crazy world of ours. Instead I’ve been met with husky handshakes, dick nuzzles, bedroom invites and internet talk that means absolute shit to me. I get it, I’m supposed to be this fantasy that people have when they see my character, that’s who I’m supposed to be 24/7 right? And I’ll admit in my moments of weakness I can become that fantasy because I’m pretty fucking good at it but as a wise friend once said, “just because you gain pleasure from something, doesn’t necessarily mean you like it.” And he’s totally right, this murry purry shit is dumb, in the sense that its like no one wants a relationship anymore and if they do, its an open one. People just want attention, no matter how long or from who, its a revolving door of maybe somedays and fuck buddies. Its all I see now a days and I can’t do it anymore, its too depressing. The honor of feeling special is now a rarity, replaced with a competition to see how fast it takes to get someones clothes off. Ironically yiff is how I found the fandom in the first place, but when you grow older you realize how precious time is and learn to value the important things in life. All I want is to be in a relationship with a girl despite how I may act sometimes because hey, its easy to flirt and sometimes its fun. I’m not perfect and I try to do the right thing but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t find what I’m looking for and keeping faith may be why I felt like I overstayed my welcome. I’ve come close a few times but nothing ever works and over time, that can make you angry... But instead of going down that path, I’d rather just give up hope. I’m tired.. of being someone that’s trying to appeal to everyone by keeping the party going but in reality, the party ended for me a long time ago. I joined the fandom cause I didn’t fit in anywhere else, 8 years later I feel a sense of deja vu.
From this day forward I’ll be going cold turkey from all things furry related. That means no more meets, cons, fursuiting, or anything that would involve people wearing a badge of some sort. I’ll be available on FA for a few more days to answer questions but after that, radio silence with notes being disabled. I’m sorry but this is the only way I see fit in order to find the answers I seek and for the nightmares to stop. My friends will remain my friends, but I’m completely aware that some of you will stop talking to me due to my decision and I accept that. This isn’t going to be easy but I know its for the best. As you know my fursuit is now retired, I figured why wait for it to grow old and decay when I can go out on top knowing that I’ve done everything I wanted to do with it and so much more. The kind words I’ve received have been very well cherished and much appreciated, I thank you all for the love that you’ve shown. To the NY Furs, I hope you guys become active again, I know its my fault why the group has been so idle and for that I apologize, and that apology extends to anyone who was expecting a future event from me. The fandom will always be special to me, we critique and criticize things because we want to see them get better. Underneath all that smut lies a heart, that unites people and sparks creativity. I hope people can still see that from time to time, as well as understand my reasoning for leaving. I’d rather take a risk by stepping out of my comfort zone for a chance at true happiness over devolving into a shell of my former self. I may return briefly to do a New Year’s journal cause I love doing those. Until then, farewell and good luck everyone, and may the power protect you.
-Edwin
I wish you luck in the future and I hope for the best.
Deep down inside me, I actually and truthfully resented you out of sheer jealousy on my part. Your ability to make friends with virtually everyone around you, people easily gravitating to your lively energetic and optimistic personality, all those positive traits you have that I lacked made you the source of my envy. I especially resented you during Anthrocon 2011 for being the 'life of the party' so to speak such as nearly all the NY Furs taking part in your Power Rangers performance except me and being surrounded by so many friends, it was to the point where I couldn't even look at you without getting angry. I also found getting to know you as a person was extremely pointless as I couldn't hold your attention for five seconds without you losing interest, even though I told myself and others I will only go to furry gatherings if you were having a party as I pretty much can no longer stand the anxiety of being around hyper sexual people. It's easy to put on a false mask and be a different persona than it is to be who you really are without deception.
This whole time I thought of you as Mr. Popular-who-thinks-he's-everyone's-pal as well as my ideal self who wasn't emotionally and socially detached, but reading this changed my perspective of you. It seems we have some things in common after all such as wanting to belong somewhere and not feel loneliness.
Perhaps if we run into each other someday, I wouldn't mind starting over and actually get to know you as a person, not this furry persona shit. In a twisted way, despite admitting my resentment and jealousy, you did help me be a somewhat more better person like everyone else did when I started going to fur meets from December 2009 August 2013. That, without a doubt, I can say with absolute certainty, even if I may not look like it at times, and I'm glad to have met you, Frisky. :)
For what it's worth, despite holding all this negativity toward you because of jealousy, I always have and never lost my unwavering respect toward you because you have powerful optimism and you were the only person aside from Big Z that I wanted to see this whole year, and I did each time you had a party and tried to contribute whenever possible.
You are my first furry friend after all since I began this journey of ultimately proving to myself that I can make friends again despite what I've been through before I met you and everyone else. I hope we do meet again once we both find what we are looking for, and hopefully by then, I will have my superhero novel in print with the rap we collaborated on included. Once a ranger/hero, always a ranger/hero. :)
To me, furry is like the Gremlins from the eponymous films. Don't feed it too much (and probably best not to feed it after midnight) or else it will become an uncontrollable monster.
You cannot let furry consume you. You have to do other things with your life outside of the fandom. You cannot let your main defining characteristic as a human being be furry.
As for me, I just became active in this fandom less than a year ago. Only recently do I have ears and a tail. One of the things I dream of buying once I leave my parents' house is a partial fursuit. And I want to strive toward that goal, not just for the partial but also because it represents having lots of disposable income, and that I have a good job.
I've had my own problem, spending far too much on commission art. I've spent hundreds of dollars in the last few months. I plan to stop that as soon as all of my pending commissions are finished, at least until the end of the year. I might get a cheap Christmas commission if available (always wanted to see my Ashy in sexy Santa lingerie) but that would be it.
You absolutely cannot let furry run your life. You have to keep it tame. Do something else that doesn't have to do with furry. Go to a bar, a poetry reading, a concert, any place to meet people. Get out of your comfort zone. Hope that people are tolerant of the furry fandom (which I think they're more likely than not, at least in socially liberal areas) but don't make it your ONLY hobby. Or probably even your primary hobby.
And I can say, with all honesty, that I follow this advice much less than I probably should. But I know I got to do it.
I would like to try to get to know you behind the fursona.
unless you're done with that of course.
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5147160/
We never did get to hang out as much as I had hoped, but the times we did were certainly fun! Good luck with your future and remember that furry always welcomes folks back with open arms if they ever return. Well almost always. Except if your name is DiveFox or something like that.
At the same time, those thoughts of the future is scaring. Furry is a deep hobby / interest that can't be put on a resume or in some cases (like mine) can't be even revealed on the employment line. Not to say that what you have learned here can't be used in the real world, but I think you realizing that the party won't last forever. And to be honest, furry shouldn't be the main focus of anyone's life. As much as the furry fandom helped open up and taught many things (from the social aspects to performances and arts), there is soooooo much out there in the world that's looking for and worthy of your attention and dedication. Although you're older than me, you're still quite young and still have plenty of time to find the success and happiness you're looking for, so don't worry I'm sure you'll find it.
However, I will say that I don't think going Cold Turkey is the best course of action as the transition might be rather stunning. The fandom and friends you made in the past 8 years, I'm sure, can help you re-adjust to the different lifestyle you're looking for. I personally feel that there could be room for both your furry life and your next chapter (for a little while at the least). But I do remember us discussing about this very topic briefly a few months back, so I believe you were prepared to flip the switch for a while now. And that's ok, you understand your position more than anyone else.
It surely will be different without your meets and seeing your familiar face on the con-floor. But you did a lot for us (NY Furs and friends) and accomplished alot that many furs can't say they did. That experience will always be with you and may help you out in ways you won't expect.
I do regret not getting to hang out with you more and getting to know you better. I do thank you for opening your doors and sharing some small yet rememberable moments. Maybe one day we can chat or hang out once again as normal peers. I live only 10 minutes away from you, so anything is possible! Good luck Ed, I know you have plenty of potential and opportunity ahead of you. Take it and make it a win!
Best of luck with the future, wherever it takes you.
At the same time I'm happy for you to be able to make this change because I think it sounds well thought out. I have tried to put my career before the furry fandom because I think it will offer me the most satisfaction in the long term. There are a lot of things that make a life deeply satisfying, real friends, love, family, God, good work, and though the particular details are unique from person to person, if short term fun gets in the way of those things it's not a sustainable path to happiness.
I hope that you don't leave with a bad taste in your mouth. Of course the finish was a little less electric than the start, but as Woger said, even though you can't write it on your resume the great things you've done in the fandom will be with you for the rest of your life. I'll be waiting with open arms if you ever want to snoop me out, but I can't tell you where to find me. I always think it's best to go with the flow.
Furry is a fun part of my life but it definitely is not a big one. I even get a little ticked when people say it is. I have older furry friends who have a lot of money and established lives and they still do the fandom, so you CAN do both but after a full immersion, I can understand leaving it all. Even though I love fursuits, even I think I'll put the hobby to rest eventually, especially with adulthood coming a little closer to me than I anticipated. Just know frisky, I am here and I still care about you so much and think you're super cool guy. Also if you ever need any help with getting on your feet with some things I would definitely help you out. I hope you find a special girl one day and you should be proud of being so real with yourself and making this move. I'll be busy till Christmas break as you know but I'll definitely find myself around NYC when the time comes and you better be there. Cause I think it's about time I get to know the real Edwin.
I am honestly just here because I love to draw and this fandom has really kept my art skills up. I made a fursuit head and never felt the need to wear it really. I've been struggling for the longest time trying to understand what exactly was in it for people.
The couple cons I went to were fun only because of the group of folks I went with, the actual, furry part of the con actually freaked me out quite a bit. Like, the dudes with SPH telling me why their suit had to wear pants and me being grossed out that they were hanging around kids in those suits, or the two that literally got nasty on the dance floor, I can totally understand some of your plight.
I am thankful for you and Jole, if it weren't for you guys I wouldn't have met the awesome people that I know now. I hope we can still hang out and have a good time whether or not you sign in here or not and I hope we can still talk on messenger.
I just don't see how people can have open relationships, all I see it as is an excuse to have orgys and do whatever they want with anyone.
Hope you find a nice girl to start a relationship with mate and hey who knows, you'll probally make time to fit the fandom in around your timeline and personal life stuff in the future.
I don't blame you for leaving. The superficial popularity will never fill that void where only something real can, and I'm glad you've got the self-awareness to admit that. I truly hope you find happiness and a meaningful connection to someone special. You're a sweet guy, and you deserve happiness.
Be well, Frisky. And I hope this isn't the last I myself will see of you.
It's led me to make decisions I regret making and while my advisor once told me that I am not alone because I have myself and myself is one of the best people I can be with, it doesn't mt really help when you just really need that physical connection, those moments where you just feel safe and respected and loved to keep you going. I certainly hope that you find this person whoever it may be and that you don't have to feel lonely anymore because you are a sweet guy with a great personality and you like to look ahead. At the very least someone would certainly be in for quite a fun time with someone like you and I think the risk is worth it. I am always here if you want to talk or anything and I wish you the best a Frisky
Wish I could relate to your point of view. I'm gonna be blunt. The idea of people-from-work becoming my whole social life makes me want to puke. The idea of landing myself in a relationship with the type of person that would not be able to "handle" furry also makes me sick. I understand that furry life is an irrational fantasy and just leads to a lot of pain and wanting without much satisfaction, but I'm still choosing to keep it dammit. It makes life a hell of a lot better than it was before I found this community. I guess I can't really understand your existential dread of what might happen if you stay, when I'm more concerned with just staying alive day by day.
Dunno what else to say, other than that the way your journal is worded really comes across as a gigantic middle finger to the entire fandom, myself included.
It's about the people.
I've met some amazing people through this fandom, and made a number of dear friends, and even if I were to "leave" the fandom, I can't imagine breaking off contact with everyone.
I totally understand your frustrations with the fandom- a lot of the stuff that goes on is frankly embarrassing. But, I honestly think quitting cold turkey may be just a bit extreme.
Nevertheless, I wish you the very best, and I hope you find the answers you're looking for. Just know that you'll be missed, and if you decide to return, you'll be welcome.
Take care!
*hugs* dawlin, as long as you are happy, that is all that matters. self discovery is a part of happyness <3
i hope more than anything that you find what you are looking for. ill txt u from time to time, i have a fone that works (finally lol)
much luv dawlin!
I'll admit, I had to skim the graymuzzle nightmare because of how scary and close to home it was, but I got the message at least. I understand every bit of what you're feeling and you shouldn't be berated for this either. Honestly, I really didn't see this coming, but I've haven't been so active so how can I? It sucks that you're feeling this way, though hearing this... well all of this... is actually refreshing. I've always seen ya as more than just a group founder and party thrower, I've seen you as a really great and generous person. Heck, both you, Dream and Jamie seemed more umm Down to Earth apart from the rest of the furries here.
I haven't got that much further than just part of the background mostly because me being inadequate, but with every appearance I make I feel like I keep screwing something up and owe you for it. Not sure what it is though I'm always distracted with life shenanigans to make a note of it.
Anywho, just remember that you're worth more than you think. I really appreciate everything you've done for us and will cherish all the memories for decades to come. Wherever ya go from here I hope things go so well for you, take care man.
You have a lot to offer to someone.
I hope you find that person to spend life with.
Lastly, Thank you for dancing with me...
Take care.
-SunRise
But i appreciate you saying all this. i'm glad you did. i'm happy you're moving to fix and improve your life, and i really hope that things go well for you in the future, wherever you end up.
i know this is odd, coming from a complete stranger, but... thankyou for sharing.
Hopefully the kindness shown to our fellow mortal won't end at the edge of the furry fandom. People should be decent and friendly no matter what they do in their free time.
Maybe if we ever talk again, we could start over as new friends.
I also really did like you for more than the fact you were Frisky.
I will save your email to one day message you!