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Now my thoughts on Rape (Warning: Raw)
11 years ago
I am a woman.
I have been sexually molested/accosted in a rough, forceful or otherwise wholly unpleasant manner on no less than three separate occasions. Once by a "friend", twice at a social gathering. I know all too well the feelings that go with it at the time...like wanting more than anything to be somewhere else, or someone else, rather than stuck in that moment...and it's a long fucking moment. It's like the end of a school day, watching the clock tick down those last few minutes, times a thousand percent.
There's also the damning feeling that comes after it, like some part of me actually felt it was a compliment, no matter how much I hated it. This is something you'll almost never hear anyone talk about, but it happens a lot. That's the worst part of it, and what makes it so hard for many people to discuss. That's why it often leads to a feeling of shame, moreso than any embarrassment or anger over the event itself. The body is certainly capable of having desires independent of the brain, and there are parts of the brain that don't always agree...but none of this should ever be used as a justification for rape. I think that's the even bigger fear. "Well, some part of you liked it, so that makes it okay".
It's like being denied a bathroom so long you pissed yourself. Yeah, your body might appreciate the bladder relief, but you didn't. You're embarrassed, ashamed, and worst of all you have to go home with wet pants...and it's cold outside.
Yes, I do entertain various noncon and even quasi-rape fantasies. In fact, they actually helped me come to terms with certain feelings, in a way I could only describe as cathartic. However, it's no different to me than playing a really violent video game. Sure, I've killed a million digital pedestrians, but that doesn't indicate any desire to do it in real life. It's an outlet, just like anything else.
Why am I okay with talking about this so plainly? Because that's who I am. No fucks given. I came to terms with myself and the world around me a long time ago, and I'm the stronger for it.
As far as terminology goes, I personally hate the terms "rape victim" and "rape survivor". "Victim" implies weakness or helplessness, while "survivor" should be reserved for situations where one's life was in danger. They sound too much like a plea for attention. My preferred terms are "rape target" for someone who was going to be raped but nothing happened, and "rape hostage" for someone who actually was raped.
Now, when it comes to the discussion I've been hearing a hundred times lately about "Is dismissing the recent topic as 'more drama' the same as saying rape is okay?" Well...NO. It's not the same at all. I mean seriously people. Someone gets labelled as "they might be a rapist", but noone really knows for certain, and when people say they don't want to deal with what amounts to rumors and journal floods, suddenly they're approving rape? WTF? That just makes it feel like more of a "you should feel bad" pity party. Just because someone isn't practically shitting themselves with concern doesn't mean they support the thing you hate.
That's the other reason I never talk about this shit...I GOT OVER IT. Life happens, get a helmet. And I swear to fuck, if anyone tries to tell me I'm "just in denial about how much it actually traumatized me", I will pop your fucking head open like a Pez dispenser and piss down your neck.
Addendum: Just to be clear, I have my own doubts about FA's staff and recent appointments, but it's not going to make me leave FA, and it is NOT nor EVER WILL BE an acceptable reason to outright attack people simply because they didn't want to get involved or don't care.
I have been sexually molested/accosted in a rough, forceful or otherwise wholly unpleasant manner on no less than three separate occasions. Once by a "friend", twice at a social gathering. I know all too well the feelings that go with it at the time...like wanting more than anything to be somewhere else, or someone else, rather than stuck in that moment...and it's a long fucking moment. It's like the end of a school day, watching the clock tick down those last few minutes, times a thousand percent.
There's also the damning feeling that comes after it, like some part of me actually felt it was a compliment, no matter how much I hated it. This is something you'll almost never hear anyone talk about, but it happens a lot. That's the worst part of it, and what makes it so hard for many people to discuss. That's why it often leads to a feeling of shame, moreso than any embarrassment or anger over the event itself. The body is certainly capable of having desires independent of the brain, and there are parts of the brain that don't always agree...but none of this should ever be used as a justification for rape. I think that's the even bigger fear. "Well, some part of you liked it, so that makes it okay".
It's like being denied a bathroom so long you pissed yourself. Yeah, your body might appreciate the bladder relief, but you didn't. You're embarrassed, ashamed, and worst of all you have to go home with wet pants...and it's cold outside.
Yes, I do entertain various noncon and even quasi-rape fantasies. In fact, they actually helped me come to terms with certain feelings, in a way I could only describe as cathartic. However, it's no different to me than playing a really violent video game. Sure, I've killed a million digital pedestrians, but that doesn't indicate any desire to do it in real life. It's an outlet, just like anything else.
Why am I okay with talking about this so plainly? Because that's who I am. No fucks given. I came to terms with myself and the world around me a long time ago, and I'm the stronger for it.
As far as terminology goes, I personally hate the terms "rape victim" and "rape survivor". "Victim" implies weakness or helplessness, while "survivor" should be reserved for situations where one's life was in danger. They sound too much like a plea for attention. My preferred terms are "rape target" for someone who was going to be raped but nothing happened, and "rape hostage" for someone who actually was raped.
Now, when it comes to the discussion I've been hearing a hundred times lately about "Is dismissing the recent topic as 'more drama' the same as saying rape is okay?" Well...NO. It's not the same at all. I mean seriously people. Someone gets labelled as "they might be a rapist", but noone really knows for certain, and when people say they don't want to deal with what amounts to rumors and journal floods, suddenly they're approving rape? WTF? That just makes it feel like more of a "you should feel bad" pity party. Just because someone isn't practically shitting themselves with concern doesn't mean they support the thing you hate.
That's the other reason I never talk about this shit...I GOT OVER IT. Life happens, get a helmet. And I swear to fuck, if anyone tries to tell me I'm "just in denial about how much it actually traumatized me", I will pop your fucking head open like a Pez dispenser and piss down your neck.
Addendum: Just to be clear, I have my own doubts about FA's staff and recent appointments, but it's not going to make me leave FA, and it is NOT nor EVER WILL BE an acceptable reason to outright attack people simply because they didn't want to get involved or don't care.
Rape Porn, even fantasy or simulated is now a felony level offense in England and is treated like owning Child Porn
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-new.....me-new-2073954
you might have gotten over your own molestation as you call it, but that's you. others, like my friend, aren't able to very well, if at all
i do agree that being neutral in the argument that's been raging, is by no means rape apology...just means you don't wanna be involved
When it happens, you have two choices...deal with it in a way that makes you face some bad things about the world and yourself, but helps you become stronger...or dwell on being a victim, because it lets you get sympathy and avoid facing anything that went on in your head then or later. I feel for your friend, I think it's clear how much I do, but that's how it is.
she didn't act the way she did because she wanted sympathy, she couldn't help her feelings
Family not as much, ironically. Family is too likely to be consoling rather than encouraging.
Thank you, by the way.
for the comment about people mobbing someone for not wanting to deal with the drama. When did not belonging to side A mean you automatically were a member of side B? Life is WAY more complicated than two sides. Sometimes there can be dozens, especially on a real issue that is controversial and has some depth to it.
I'll stop babbling now, honest! :p
Honestly, I feel worse about being attacked in the street by folks with knives, but my ex girlfriend had such a hard time with her own rape experience that she could hardly be touched by surprise without a panic attack... i know it effects folks differently, some folks get traumatized by stuff.... But rape is only one dramatic thing, i know more people scared of dogs because of being bitten by one, and we don't go around shooting all dogs that might be dangerous because some people are worried about dog bites.
As I said in my own journal. If this WAS even a serious claim, two years ago, then it's been dealt with in one way or another and folks should move the hell on. Attacking someone, NOW, because of a claim they have disputed and been found innocent of is pretty cold... and seems to be motivated by just not wanting some dude people don't like to have a job... despite it being a job that, a month ago, everyone was screaming until blue in the face about needing to be made a priority, no matter the cost.
I certainly have noncon and rape fantasies. They help me deal with some things...and try to empathize with others, as much as I know I can never truly understand unless I've been through it. But it doesn't mean I want it. It doesn't mean people who do have these sorts of fantasies want it, or are in denial about how traumatized they are. It doesn't make them sick, or twisted, or in need of help. It's not wrong.
I have friends who were raped. I dated a girl who went through more than one horrible experience of this kind; it was hard listening to her tell me about it, since my empathy can get me feeling really negative things, but her trusting me enough to tell me meant more than I can say. I didn't see her differently for it. She wasn't a victim to me. She wasn't weak because of it, and she wasn't suddenly worthless either. It was something that happened to her, that I kept in mind at appropriate times, and that made me want to make her feel strong, safe, secure, and valued. I failed in some ways, succeeded in others, but I never thought less of her in any way because of it. People who have been through rape should not be victimized or made to feel like it was their fault in some way, even third-degree and remotely. It doesn't help them deal with the experience.
Similarly, people who are accused of rape should not be demonized. Yes, people who commit rape are detestable and deserve at minimum double the pain they've inflicted on others, at least in my eyes. But accusation is not proof of guilt. Just as a lack of support for mob mentality and dropping everything to worry and focus on what happened is not someone condoning the activity, as you put it. Zaush was never charged, let alone convicted. We have this tendency in the U.S. to demonize accused rapists that should not be there - innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around. I wish more people thought that way, about many things, but especially about this.
I am still rather new to FA I guess so I really can't be a judge as to what is going on in other people's lives (especially site staff), nor would I want to be.
Also I liked your reasoning behind the terms of rape victim and rape survivor. I never really thought about it before but it does really bring unnecessary sensationalism to said crimes.
Anyways, I couldn't have said it better myself and again great post. Thank you for taking the time to write it!