...and yet still far more to go.

For those of you who don't know, I have been plagued with health problems for years, okay... really my whole life. Most recently, and when I say recently, I mean from about 2009, I dealt with chronic vertigo. That lasted every single day, every minute of every hour for 3 years straight. I struggled through therapy, which didn't help at all. I had tests to make me even more dizzy to figure out why I was having vertigo. It was incredibly stressful. I had other underlying issues as well such as a vitamin D deficiency, anxiety, issues with potassium and tachycardia ( though I've dealt with tachycardia and potassium issues since 2003-ish ). I can't really say any more because honestly, I don't remember most of those years. My memories seem to be missing for that period of time. They finally managed to find a combination of meds that seemed to fix my vertigo issues. When that day came, I felt really relieved. I honestly thought it was over. But... that didn't last very long.

Forewarning, this part may be a bit TMI.

I've always had issues using the bathroom. I usually would have to go very often and when I did, it was usually unpleasant. Of course, at the time, I didn't know any better. It's what I have dealt with my entire life. Having to make sudden runs to the bathroom for seemingly no logical reason was a regular thing. One day about a year ago or so, I went to the bathroom and when I went to clean up, there was blood. Lots of blood. It was almost enough to just say fuck it, I'm going to the ER. At that point, I was really scared. I thought I was either bleeding internally or developed colon cancer. Those were the only two things that I knew could cause so much bleeding down there. The next day, I went in to see my regular doctor. He was concerned when I showed him a picture of what happened and referred me to a specialist. They told me I needed to get a colonoscopy done. Let me tell you... they are NOT fun, especially the prep for them. While they were doing the procedure, they found some strange issues in my large intestine and saw that my small intestine was swollen. They took a biopsy of several parts of my colon and found some sort of ulcer on my large intestine near my rectum, IE it was what was causing so much bleeding. The test came back a few days later and revealed that I may have Crohn's Disease. For those of you who don't know, Crohn's Disease is an auto-immune disease. It is when my immune system attacks my intestinal tract because of certain foods I eat or drink. Finally, everything was starting to make sense. It would make sense why I felt crappy so much, why I constantly was low on vitamins and minerals. My system wasn't absorbing the nutrients I need like a normal person's body would. They decided they wanted to try and get me on something called Remicade. It's supposed to fix the issue with my digestive tract. The problem was, each infusion session costs about $4,000. There was no way in hell I could afford that, so I had to wait. While having to wait, I developed something called a peri-rectal abscess. Basically, the white blood cells that were attacking my intestines, and probably the ulcer that was on my large intestine, were collecting under my skin around my rectum. It had caused that area to become incredibly inflamed and hardened. It had gotten so large, that it was spreading out around my rectum. It spread to the right side and above it headed toward my crotch area. I was referred to a surgical specialist that deals with rectal surgeries. At that point I was in extreme pain all the time. I could no longer sit properly it hurt so badly. I got in to the office and the doctor took a look at it. Needless to say, it didn't last very long. He told me to go to the hospital immediately. I was to be in to surgery in an hour. I remember laying in the bed, in some pain, but mostly drugged up with hydromorphine. That was to be my first major surgery. In order to fix my problem, they needed to make a 4 inch long incision over the abscess and stick something called a seton through my rectal muscle into the abscess to allow it to drain after the incision has healed up.When the nurse came in to talk to me about my issue, she told me that aside from child birth, having a rectal abscess is one of the most painful things you can have. I can safely agree with her x.x I had to start pain medications after I had the surgery. They started me on Oxycodone. They wanted me to start the remicade ASAP, but I kept telling them I couldn't afford it. One doctor would stop my pain medication, so I would go to the next. And because my Crohn's disease was an ongoing issue and because of where the surgery took place on my body, it was being affected by the effects of Crohn's disease and not healing very fast. That has been prolonging my pain since then. It's been hell having to try and rely on pain medication to feel normal and function like I am supposed to. Not to mention the fact that there have been many many restless nights. I've managed to get some health care ( will go more into this below ) and start my remicade treatments. But I still have to be careful. Remicade lowers my chance of fighting off infections, so if I get sick...I could get really sick.

Throughout all of this, I have had some pretty damn low lows. There have been several times I have wondered what it would be like to not be here. I have thought "what if?" But I would NEVER actually do anything. The way I think of it is this: It sucks now, it will probably suck later; but there ARE lots of good times and lots of good people in this world. There is so much I have not experienced yet that I wish to know before I die. So as much as things suck right now, they will get better at some point. It's had a drastic effect on my mood. It's a difficult thing to try and push through, but I am a stubborn ass. The only way I will go is fighting.

I would like to appologize to a few people, mainly commissioners. I feel really bad that I haven't gotten some stuff I owe, 3 pictures really, done and sent off. I've been financially trashed, have been jobless for over 6 months ( Although, I am currently working a contract position ), and stressed out. I know I need to start working on art again, and I am trying to get back into the swing of things. It's been a really big balancing act that I just haven't known now to deal with. The funny thing is I think I know how it a cancer patient feels mentally. For me, it's kind of like... my body is broken and I am fighting it. But with Crohn's, it will never go away. Ever. Only treatments can help me.

I'd like to thank my loving mister wuffy  aerak for being by my side for so long and through all the crap I have put him through. We give each other a lot of crap. Like... a LOT of crap :P but in my family, that was how we showed someone we liked, loved, or appreciated them haha. He's one of the kindest, most loving, and caring people I know and I don't know what I would do without him.

Throughout all of this, money has been a HUGE issue. My previous job ran out of work for me to do and had to let my contract finish off and not renew it, so I was out of work for several months. This piled on top of taxes and medical fees have left my bank account and my $73,000 in school loans fester. I have luckily been hired back on as of last week, however, because I am a contractor, I have to submit an invoice and this company uses something called a "Net 30" system. Basically that means that I have to wait 30 days from the day I submit my invoice to receive my paycheck. And because I am not an employee, if they don't have work for me to do, I make no money. I don't normally do this, but I kind of have to. Until I get my paycheck, I have a negative balance in my bank account. I've been relying on loans from my wuffy to keep me going, and he can't just keep doing that. If you would like to help me out, I would GREATLY appreciate the help. I have created a patreon account under my other art alias which can be found here: http://www.patreon.com/fuzzball If you would like to send me a donation, you can use my website. And for helping me out right now, if you donate $50 or more, I will put you on a special contributor's page on my list. Anyone on said list will be able to recieve a lifetime 10% discount on any service I provide ( can be applied once to the total amount of your single invoice every time you make a purchase on a service ). This can be artwork, website design, and more. You can see the list of services I offer and their availability here: http://fuzzball.ceruleanhost.com/services/ ANYONE who donates anything, no matter how small will make the base contributor's list to show appreciation for helping me out when I really need it. This offer will end when I get my first paycheck, so in about 30 days from now. Please do not mention FA in the description, just put your FA name so I know who you are and whether you would like me to put you on my thank you's page ( make sure to let me know what name you'd like me to list as well. )

With any luck, I should be getting things re-aligned with my health an life. I have started doodling again, so we'll see how things go art-wise. I want to be creating art on a regular basis and finish off things I owe to the 3 very patient commissioners I currently have. If I get myself to draw regularly and post like I should be, then I will consider opening for art commissions again.

Thanks,
Alkora