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Misogyny and the Furry Fandom
11 years ago
General
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and trying to sync up our con schedules. I asked if she'd be selling her art at a certain convention we've met up at in the past. "I'm not going to that one anymore," she said.
Curious, I asked why. She said there are a couple guys at that convention who make her uncomfortable, who follow her around and won't leave her alone, who on at least one occasion followed her back to her room. "Why didn't you report that to staff?" I asked, horrified.
"They were staff," she said.
If you recognize yourself in this story, congratulations. You've successfully discouraged an artist from coming to your convention. If your immediate reaction to this is "she over-reacted" or "I'm sure they didn't mean any harm, they were just trying to get to know her," then you need to re-think your mindset. It is not a woman's job to divine whether your clumsy, harassing behavior means harm or not. It is your job to understand social cues, to err on the side of caution, and if a woman is not expressing interest, or has explicitly told you to go away, then go the fuck away and leave her alone. I don't care if you think you're in love and she's the only person you can imagine yourself being with. I don't care if she let you hug her once. If you can't act like a reasonable fucking human being around her, then get lost. Reasonable human beings, FYI, are not characters from romantic comedies or sitcoms who persist charmingly in the face of rejection after rejection. Reasonable human beings regard other human beings as people with feelings, not a receptacle for your affection or an audience to show how awesome you are. Reasonable human beings don't stand around someone who is clearly ignoring them for hours on end, or try to touch them when they've made it clear that the touching is not welcome. Reasonable human beings don't follow people back to their hotel rooms without being invited (in what, the hope that "hey, if I'm just standing out in the hall maybe she'll invite me in!"?).
If your reaction to the above story is, "that's an isolated incident," then sit down.
I know (secondhand) of a woman who reported harrassment to a furry convention staffer, only to be told that she was the problem.
I know women who have left furry convention parties because the same guy or guys kept brushing up against them or contriving to be near them.
I know women who have had furries stand at their dealer table for hours, or even come around it uninvited, invading their personal space without asking (or with a cursory "do you mind if I come around?" as they are in the act of doing so).
I also know of one case where harassment was reported to a furry con and handled appropriately, so score at least one for the cons.
The above are just the stories I have heard casually from knowing a good number of women who attend furry conventions. And the part that is almost as bad as all these things happening is that the women involved often don't feel comfortable enough to do anything about it, especially if they're younger artists or new to the fandom.
"I don't want to make waves."
"I don't want to be labeled as 'one of those bitches who complains.'"
"It's easier just to leave."
*
If you look at the code of conduct on many furry convention websites, you'll find something close to this (this one is taken from the RainFurrest site specifically):
Harassment and Assault
Harassment is defined as any behavior that intentionally annoys or alarms another person. This includes making any unwanted physical contact, following someone around a public area without a legitimate reason, or threatening to physically attack someone. Please remember that if you approach someone and they tell you "no" or to leave them alone, your business with them is done. If you do not leave them alone as they have requested, your actions may be grounds for a complaint of harassment. If you feel that you are being harassed, or you have been assaulted, please report the matter immediately to event security.
Kudos to the cons for including this. It's a great first step. But I'd like to see convention staff (not just event security--some conventions do do this) also educated in how to deal with a harassment report. I'd like to see dealer room staff specifically asked to keep an eye on tables and offer to help in situations that look awkward--like if the same guy has been hovering over an artist for hours. Artists/dealers are perfectly free to say "No, no, it's cool," and maybe you'd make your dealer room a place where they feel a little bit safer.
Most of all, though, I'd like to see furries be aware of how we treat each other, and specifically the women in our fandom, so that nobody ever has to report anything under these policies. Guys, I know that sometimes dealing with other people in a big convention setting feels as complicated as rocket science. I know it sucks when there's someone you just want to hang out with because they're cool and you can't figure out how to be one of the friends they're always spending time with, especially when it's a woman you're attracted to. I know that a lot of furries are isolated in their non-convention lives, that we are in general very worried about our social skills, that sometimes you can't tell whether you're causing a problem. I think many furries who are guilty of harassing behavior don't intend it to be harassing (but I'm an optimist). None of this changes the fact that that behavior makes other people feel uncomfortable and even threatened. Maybe, you say, it's not your fault. You didn't ask to be part of a society that views men's actions toward women in a threatening light. Well, neither did the women ask to be part of a society where they have to view men--all men--as potential threats(*). We're all living together and we have to deal with it, and dealing with it means understanding these baseline realities and showing consideration for each other.
(*) Read some of the #YesAllWomen posts going around on Twitter this week--yes, that was partly the inspiration for this post--and the blog posts they link to. One of the ones that affected me most was a guy talking about a class he'd taken on sexual assault where the instructor asked the men, "What do you do on a daily basis to keep yourself safe from sexual assault?" After nobody answered, he said, "Okay, women, what do YOU do on a daily basis to keep yourself safe from sexual assault?" The answers filled his blackboard.
So what can we do? Well, first off, be aware of your actions and those of others. Being gay (as I suspect many of my readers are) is not an automatic pass; one of the situations I mentioned above involves a definitely gay man who nonetheless was the harasser. Probably unintentionally, but as I said above, it is your job to be aware of how your actions affect others (and not just women, of course). But also, if you hear about harassment going on, call it out. If you see what looks like an uncomfortable situation, don't be afraid to step in and see if everything's okay (how to do this is a whole other post, but if this is an artist in the dealer room, you can at least break up a situation by asking about the merch on the table and pulling the artist out of whatever other conversation is going on).
If your friends include women in the fandom, ask them what you can do to help. Some of them might not want your help. Some might ask you just to keep an eye out for them. Some might point out specific people that they have a problem with. I guarantee you that none of them will be upset at you for asking to help.
If you are part of a convention staff, make sure everyone knows what to do if harassment is reported, and take harassment claims seriously.
If someone has the courage to tell you that you're making them uncomfortable, stop what you're doing, apologize, and go away. Don't get mad at THEM for telling you. (And don't follow them around the convention insisting that they accept your apology--this is also harassment, cf. ReaderCon 2012.)
And talk to people about it. A lot of this harassment continues because nobody wants to speak up. We're all part of the same fandom, men and women, and we want our fandom and our conventions to be places where everyone can have a good time and feel safe. We do not want them to be places people avoid because they're afraid of what might happen there.
Curious, I asked why. She said there are a couple guys at that convention who make her uncomfortable, who follow her around and won't leave her alone, who on at least one occasion followed her back to her room. "Why didn't you report that to staff?" I asked, horrified.
"They were staff," she said.
If you recognize yourself in this story, congratulations. You've successfully discouraged an artist from coming to your convention. If your immediate reaction to this is "she over-reacted" or "I'm sure they didn't mean any harm, they were just trying to get to know her," then you need to re-think your mindset. It is not a woman's job to divine whether your clumsy, harassing behavior means harm or not. It is your job to understand social cues, to err on the side of caution, and if a woman is not expressing interest, or has explicitly told you to go away, then go the fuck away and leave her alone. I don't care if you think you're in love and she's the only person you can imagine yourself being with. I don't care if she let you hug her once. If you can't act like a reasonable fucking human being around her, then get lost. Reasonable human beings, FYI, are not characters from romantic comedies or sitcoms who persist charmingly in the face of rejection after rejection. Reasonable human beings regard other human beings as people with feelings, not a receptacle for your affection or an audience to show how awesome you are. Reasonable human beings don't stand around someone who is clearly ignoring them for hours on end, or try to touch them when they've made it clear that the touching is not welcome. Reasonable human beings don't follow people back to their hotel rooms without being invited (in what, the hope that "hey, if I'm just standing out in the hall maybe she'll invite me in!"?).
If your reaction to the above story is, "that's an isolated incident," then sit down.
I know (secondhand) of a woman who reported harrassment to a furry convention staffer, only to be told that she was the problem.
I know women who have left furry convention parties because the same guy or guys kept brushing up against them or contriving to be near them.
I know women who have had furries stand at their dealer table for hours, or even come around it uninvited, invading their personal space without asking (or with a cursory "do you mind if I come around?" as they are in the act of doing so).
I also know of one case where harassment was reported to a furry con and handled appropriately, so score at least one for the cons.
The above are just the stories I have heard casually from knowing a good number of women who attend furry conventions. And the part that is almost as bad as all these things happening is that the women involved often don't feel comfortable enough to do anything about it, especially if they're younger artists or new to the fandom.
"I don't want to make waves."
"I don't want to be labeled as 'one of those bitches who complains.'"
"It's easier just to leave."
*
If you look at the code of conduct on many furry convention websites, you'll find something close to this (this one is taken from the RainFurrest site specifically):
Harassment and Assault
Harassment is defined as any behavior that intentionally annoys or alarms another person. This includes making any unwanted physical contact, following someone around a public area without a legitimate reason, or threatening to physically attack someone. Please remember that if you approach someone and they tell you "no" or to leave them alone, your business with them is done. If you do not leave them alone as they have requested, your actions may be grounds for a complaint of harassment. If you feel that you are being harassed, or you have been assaulted, please report the matter immediately to event security.
Kudos to the cons for including this. It's a great first step. But I'd like to see convention staff (not just event security--some conventions do do this) also educated in how to deal with a harassment report. I'd like to see dealer room staff specifically asked to keep an eye on tables and offer to help in situations that look awkward--like if the same guy has been hovering over an artist for hours. Artists/dealers are perfectly free to say "No, no, it's cool," and maybe you'd make your dealer room a place where they feel a little bit safer.
Most of all, though, I'd like to see furries be aware of how we treat each other, and specifically the women in our fandom, so that nobody ever has to report anything under these policies. Guys, I know that sometimes dealing with other people in a big convention setting feels as complicated as rocket science. I know it sucks when there's someone you just want to hang out with because they're cool and you can't figure out how to be one of the friends they're always spending time with, especially when it's a woman you're attracted to. I know that a lot of furries are isolated in their non-convention lives, that we are in general very worried about our social skills, that sometimes you can't tell whether you're causing a problem. I think many furries who are guilty of harassing behavior don't intend it to be harassing (but I'm an optimist). None of this changes the fact that that behavior makes other people feel uncomfortable and even threatened. Maybe, you say, it's not your fault. You didn't ask to be part of a society that views men's actions toward women in a threatening light. Well, neither did the women ask to be part of a society where they have to view men--all men--as potential threats(*). We're all living together and we have to deal with it, and dealing with it means understanding these baseline realities and showing consideration for each other.
(*) Read some of the #YesAllWomen posts going around on Twitter this week--yes, that was partly the inspiration for this post--and the blog posts they link to. One of the ones that affected me most was a guy talking about a class he'd taken on sexual assault where the instructor asked the men, "What do you do on a daily basis to keep yourself safe from sexual assault?" After nobody answered, he said, "Okay, women, what do YOU do on a daily basis to keep yourself safe from sexual assault?" The answers filled his blackboard.
So what can we do? Well, first off, be aware of your actions and those of others. Being gay (as I suspect many of my readers are) is not an automatic pass; one of the situations I mentioned above involves a definitely gay man who nonetheless was the harasser. Probably unintentionally, but as I said above, it is your job to be aware of how your actions affect others (and not just women, of course). But also, if you hear about harassment going on, call it out. If you see what looks like an uncomfortable situation, don't be afraid to step in and see if everything's okay (how to do this is a whole other post, but if this is an artist in the dealer room, you can at least break up a situation by asking about the merch on the table and pulling the artist out of whatever other conversation is going on).
If your friends include women in the fandom, ask them what you can do to help. Some of them might not want your help. Some might ask you just to keep an eye out for them. Some might point out specific people that they have a problem with. I guarantee you that none of them will be upset at you for asking to help.
If you are part of a convention staff, make sure everyone knows what to do if harassment is reported, and take harassment claims seriously.
If someone has the courage to tell you that you're making them uncomfortable, stop what you're doing, apologize, and go away. Don't get mad at THEM for telling you. (And don't follow them around the convention insisting that they accept your apology--this is also harassment, cf. ReaderCon 2012.)
And talk to people about it. A lot of this harassment continues because nobody wants to speak up. We're all part of the same fandom, men and women, and we want our fandom and our conventions to be places where everyone can have a good time and feel safe. We do not want them to be places people avoid because they're afraid of what might happen there.
even THE BATHROOM...
i played his boyfriend and scared the guy away... TWICE
Seriously.
Seriously, this crap(being in denial and believing this stuff never happens at cons) needs to stop.
People need to behave or else don't show up and stay home.
It was a terrible experience but the con did their job even though I didn't help but I go back to that con every year and have always been happy with the staff.
I used to be shocked when hearing things like this happening but now it's become so common. It's sad and I just can't understand how some people don't know that what they're doing is socially unacceptable. Do they not realize what they're doing? Do they not care?
I must admit, I didn't think Misogyny was a big deal, but now I'm seeing and hearing about it everywhere. Makes me feel shitty to have dismissed it so quickly in the past.
I hope this does not becoming a growing trend within the fandom, and that the recent push for respect that has been sweeping social media reaches those who are guilty of such actions and makes them think again before they try that sort of stuff again. Ignorance is no longer an excuse. There are no excuses.
Ugh.
I just hope there's not an overreaction in the opposite direction. Like with XBLA, harassment was a serious problem, and apparently on the XB One's XBLA, they dealt with it swiftly, but they also ended up flagging people just for using profanity.
Though the furry fandom has historically been ESPECIALLY male-centric, even compared to other geek fandoms. I think women are still seen as somewhat alien, and that the idea of a female furry still seems odd.
I haven't seen anyone complain about "fake furry girls" yet though, but I'm sure it will happen.
However, it is not the fandom's job to educate people in propper social etiquette. Con-goers should be old enough to understand that.
Your example clearly shows that those fundamental rules need to be enforced and no excuses gives to misbehavior... especially when con-staff is involved.
There are times where, yeah, I had to be blunt after things didn't sink in, and times where I was losing patience cuz somebody just wasn't getting it even when trying to on their end. and there were times where it all went to hell or never even had a chance for negotiations. But if I can turn an adversary into a potential ally, I'm more for that than just throwing the proverbial uppercut, yanno? There's a time to fight, but I feel like it's after diplomacy if there's the option. You should always at least try.
Daresay, I'd even personally would stop it in its tracks on the spot, calmly, with reason while being stern. If somebody makes you feel uncomfortable, it's in your right to make sure that they understand that. If they don't respect that, then you escalate it til they do.
While it is misogynistic in nature, I see it as a general social flaw. The more it's unchecked, the more it'll happen unchecked. It's your call, but confronting somebody either directly or their superiors/coworkers would be the thing to do imo.
Otherwise... let's have a beer or somethin' this year at RF! :p
(There's a whole post on the difference between men and women in social situations that my italicized example up there just barely touches on. Also, that said, I have heard of guys being harassed by other guys, like someone they just met putting a hand down their pants, which is also SO NOT OK.)
The basic idea is that a woman often doesn't know *for certain* whether a man can be trusted or not--even a man she thinks she knows--so, she has to err on the side of caution and take any "flags" seriously.
The "mixed results" piece is that some guys take this VERY personally, and don't seem to grok that as good and nice as their *intentions* might be, women aren't psychics. So, if a woman seems nervous, standoffish, or suspicious, it *isn't personal,* and getting huffy or sniffy will only give her additional reasons to be worried.
People also need to realize that men and women have different standards, boundaries, and implicit rules when it comes to interaction, period, so what's considered appropriately assertive when in the company of men will often be seen as rude, threatening, pushy, or creepy through a female lens.
misogynist asshole So yeah thanks. This can be hard to see
K Fox
This has been getting worse and worse over the last twenty years or so. This is not a new thing but it does need to be addressed and resolved. Apparently self-respect has been forgotten or never learned. And that is disturbing.
Thank you for an excellent post.
We as a community really need to do a better job of policing our own community's behavior and not allowing this shit to stand. Assholes like those "staffers" need to be dealt with and held accountable for their actions. We ban people from forums who break the rules, why not ban them IRL, too?
...furthermore, if it's a serious issue (sexual harassment and/or assault), then law enforcement needs to be involved. Police are one of many reasons why we pay taxes, so let's help them to do their job.
Before transitioning, when I was in a bad mood, it was just a bad mood. After starting my transition, when I was in a bad mood, people would swear up and down that it was the estrogen supplements doing it (despite the fact that I'm actually more emotionally stable now than I ever was pre-HRT).
People are much friendlier when they have to decide between risking their lives or have to openly apologise for their misbehavior.
If someone choose to do neither, he was soon known as a coward and a cad and out of th epolite society as no one wanted to have to do anything with him.
I see it all the time online. Internet Anonymity is a nice thing for scumbags.
hmmmm I also remember the first time I went to that con a guy I had met in the gaming room followed me around the rest of the con where ever I went, he was nice (though a bit smelly could tell he had not showered >.>) but when my phone battery was low he offered to go out to his car with him (was around 1am I think) I could tell he was interested in me so I was like NOPE he seems nice but not going to risk it! So I told him no thank you id just wait for my ride they know where i'm waiting though he did try to convince me to go out there with him but yeah was not going to go out in the middle of the night with I guy I just met to his car. >.>
I hope they have more self defense panels and ect at this con, seems like they need it >.>
I'm a VERY friendly and physically-warm individual.... but this kind of shit isn't okay.
K Fox (cons are where you get to relax with like minded people...at least for me. It's soooooo enjoyable...)
That is patently wrong. I am a part of the problem by accepting it as inevitable.
A great many furries are socially inept. That goes for artists, fans and whatever division you find yourself in. Given a permissive, welcoming environment it is hard for some folks to remember that boundaries do exist, even if you "know" someone. For artists, people feel they know us through our work ESPECIALLY if we draw our personal characters in steamy circumstances. This, and the reactions there of, are a big reason why I never draw my personal character anymore for public view. It is really hard to explain to someone why a sexxypic does not imply that you are sexxy minded towards the general public. To survive, you tend to develop a thicker hide, and more distance. Sometimes people just leave the fandom altogether because it's just too meh to continue.
No one sees a nice sportscar and expects to have a ride. People should be no different.
I agree that part of the problem is socially inept/awkward furries, and guys with few or no female friends who just don't realize that their "friendly" manner comes off as creepy and threatening. And it's hard to say that to someone. You don't want to be the one to tell a guy, "Hey, that's making me feel uncomfortable," because odds are you'll either make him even MORE insecure or angry at you. Hell, I've had people make me feel uncomfortable (though never to the extent of the above situations) and I couldn't tell them that. Especially if your business is the fandom, you don't want to alienate anyone or get a reputation for being unapproachable or mean. That's one reason I suggested people walking around the dealer's room more frequently, although I know that's not ideal and other suggestions are also welcome.
I don't feel I can outright tell them to stop either. It just seems easier to try and diffuse their overbearing attempts politely and if that doesn't work, I just grit my teeth and hope my husband comes back soon to steer them away. My husband is my best defense at cons. Although he has been harassed once too, he at least can tell them to stop with more force. As someone representing a business I just don't feel I have the same power because as you put it, "you don't want to alienate anyone or get a reputation for being unapproachable or mean." So if I was to give a suggestion, it would be to ask a friend or someone else close to you that you trust to run interference and watch out for you. Before the con discuss with them what constitutes as harassment to you, when is it appropriate for them to step in, and what they should do to effectively deflect the unwanted attention away from you. This has worked well for me and my husband. It's great because the person (usually) gets the message that our conversation is done, my husband is very friendly and has a knack for guiding them away, and when they come back (which they usually do) he's ready to do it again before they get too comfortable. Everyone involved saves face, and more often than not the person who was doing the harassing looses interest OR (and here is the best part!) it finally clicks in their head that maybe what they are doing is unwanted.
Thank you for this journal post! I hope that spreading awareness will make the job of running interference unnecessary because people will have gained a better understanding of how to socialize at cons (and everywhere else really!) :)
Anywho. I know that the Cons up here in Canada kinda band together about harassment issues. A guy was being particularly disgusting to a particular (asexual, I might add) girl at one con, and was immediately given a very strong encouragement to not show up at any other cons ... and if he did, he was on a very tight leash to get kicked out if there were any reports of issues. Perhaps your friend would be more comfortable attending some of those (assuming it's not an issue for passport reasons)?
I would love to see the harassementand and the assaults be reported more then 50% of the time, but I'd also love to see it happen way less.
A couple of years ago at one of the conventions I attended, despite my being an older straight male I became the target of the kind of harassment described. A younger male somehow set his sights on me, followed me around for a while, and at one point grabbed my butt. I managed to escape in the crowd but for about half a day I was shaken enough by that incident to have trouble enjoying the con. Since then I've found myself asking, is this what women have to deal with from guys all the time?
But another perspective arises from my memories, going back about 35 years to when I was in college. Dorm buddies around me seemed to have little difficulty scoring points with the girls while I've become the proverbial "nice guy" that all the girls seem to like having as a friend and think I'd make a good boyfriend for someone else. It was a pattern I'd already been living with since high school. Even now I'm a nerdy, socially inept guy but I was a lot worse then. So here I was, trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, why all the other guys are getting the girls while I'm being passed over, and I get advice from various sources, including some of these same guys. Be more confident. Don't be afraid to approach the girl who attracts your interest. Let her know you're interested in her. Be persistent. And now, thinking back, I can recall a couple of incidents where my efforts to apply that kind of thinking resulted in my being the guilty party in the sort of behavior being discussed here. While I eventually got the hint that the girl wasn't interested, it didn't occur to me at the time that anything I did made her feel uncomfortable or threatened. Looking back now it probably did. At least I'm pretty sure I was nowhere near as bad as some of the worse incidents I've read about.
There are a lot of guys who went through the same struggle I did, and in all the advice about how to do better with women, little or nothing was said about what might make them feel uncomfortable or threatened. In my defense I was getting those messages elsewhere in different contexts and it helped keep me from doing a lot worse - I didn't want to be the guy who did the things most girls hated about guys. If I were to give my younger self advice, two bits come to mind. First, to make a good impression on a girl, it's very important that she feel comfortable around you. Second, pay attention to any signals that she's not interested. The sooner you realize it and move on, the better. I wasn't picking up on those signals, or didn't want to believe them, and went further than I should have in my efforts to "be confident, be persistent". Now I wish I could apologize to those girls.
For FR we are sitting down and having a major meeting about how harassment will be handled. We seem to be agreeing that just yanking someone's registration for the weekend isn't enough. We want to give the person being harassed or assaulted the option to press charges if they feel like it is serious enough, because I have personally watched other con's staff refuse to give out even a name so the victims can protect themselves in the future. I know this is primarily a "women's issue" but I know there have been problems for men in the past too, and I want to make sure that everyone who comes to our con is happy and safe regardless of their identity and orientation.
I am in the Navy and one thing we get trained on constantly is bystander intervention. Bystander intervention is seeing a problem and interrupting the situation. Kyell mentioned this above when he advised us to ask an artist about merchandise if we see potencial harassment. If it's not an artist walk up and make a conversation(compliment badge, tail, other stuff, and ask where they got it).
Stepping in can be intimidating, and it is hard in some situations, but think of it this way; if you stop a persons harassment you made the victim's experience significantly better, stopped a situation that has a chance to escalate, and increased the chance of the person returning to the con.
There's so much to be said on this topic, and kyell said it well. At the end of the day, if a person refuses to recognize their harassment please step in and do something. It'll make the fandom even better than what it is, and may make you some new friends.
V/R
Bonomec
Navy Hound
I think the more people emphasize that it's okay to interrupt (politely) if you think a situation is going on, the more people might have the courage to do it.
That part about them following her to her hotel room? Yeah, that's police-worthy right there. There's no mistaking that was straight up harassment/stalking...and that fact that it was staff??
I'd love to know which convention this was so I can never go to it again (if I've even gone in the past)!
And, at least with me, if you talk to me like I'm just another human being and not a walking vagina and tits, you'll hold my attention. (If you can hold an intelligent conversation, you'll get my undivided attention. )
I really, REALLY hate that this has to be a thing in what is usually a very accepting fandom, but it's unfortunately a fact of life.
This applies to everyone, not just males. I had a female get rather pissy with me when I wouldn't give her a hug. She smelled like she hadn't showered since long before the con even started. I really didn't want to get within hugging range of that. And when she wouldn't take no for an answer, I ended up fleeing the dealer's den to get away from her and her stank. What's worse? She was on security. I did report her, and since she'd done similar things to a number of people, she ended up kicked off security and out of the con. But geez, that was uncomfortable. -_-
For the love of all things shiny and sharp, muster up the courage to talk to us! Females aren't aliens. We're people. And like most people, we don't like being treated like things. We want companionship (male, female, or otherwise) that treats us as equals. ^_^
It's not for lack of trying, but lack of actual females that are single, washed, and reasonably attractive attending these things...hence, my lament about lots of the decent ladyfolk being chased away!
Don't stop going up and talking to people. I mean, if you follow Searska's guidelines above--be respectful at first, and let someone walk away--you will signal to most people out there (male and female) that you're a reasonable person. And that means that if they run into you again, they'll be more likely to remember that and engage you. Making friends isn't a one-shot-and-done deal. The fans of mine who have become friends have done it with several short, respectful interactions that meant I would remember and *want to talk to them* next time.