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>>>RANT: My RECENT Gender Identity Crisis<<<<
11 years ago
My Furry Family
OKAY! RANT WARNING! This is not only all about me, but a total rant of ideas and crap.
WARNING: Some parts of this may be NSFW.
Thank you for reading if you are ACTUALLY reading this.
As many of you know, or not know, I have been identifying as a MTF (Male-to-female) Transsexual. For the past 4 years, I had convinced myself that this is what I wanted. I believed that this was my path, and I have been fighting tooth and nail for me to transition in any way possible. I have lost friends and family members. I have dedicated myself to trying to be pretty, and "passable" as the woman I thought I had meant to be.
As of the last 4 or 5 months, I have had the opportunity to sit down and sort out how I really feel, and how I feel about things, instead of just convincing myself of one final goal. I decided back in February to start questioning myself to see if this is what I REALLY want. I was talking about a sex change operation (SRS: Sexual Reassignment Surgery) and there is no going back from that, so I wanted to be absolutely sure that I was doing the right thing and going down the right path.
Immediately, I was having severe doubts about my gender identity, and kept it to myself to avoid conflict with friends in South Bend and Grand Rapids, respectively. I was afraid that I had made the wrong decision, and I still am. When I am alone, I present as male. I told myself that its "just easier" to present as male alone and that no one is looking. Upon reflection, I realized that I'm not uncomfortable with my body like other transsexuals. I don't hate my penis. I don't hate that I am a man.
*Train screeches to a halt* WHOA! WHAT?
Yeah... After talking to a gender therapist for the past 3 years, I have come to the realization that I may not want a sex change. In fact, I may not even identify as a woman. That's part of a completely different problem... pushing friends away and trailblazing for a path that may or MAY NOT want. I don't want to look back after 50 years of transitioning and realize "I DON'T WANT THIS". I think I'd rather question myself now than do it when its too late.
SO....that's whats been happening.
Now.... what HAVE I been feeling exactly? Whats causing me to feel like I have been on the wrong path?
WELL, its that... I have never ONLY identified as a woman. I was always identified as a trans-woman, AND something else. For example, I Identifies as a genderfluid trans-woman, bigender trans-woman, pangedner trans-woman, masculine trans-woman, and other related gender identities that made is so I never had to ALWAYS associate with being a female. I always wanted a "backup" plan to be able to be a man, and not have to explain myself. I always wanted a reason to still present as my birth-associated gender, and not need to worry about what my friends said, or thought.
Truth be told, I don't want to fully transition. I like being a guy. I enjoy being a man. I don't hate my penis. I think gay pron is the hottest. I think vaginas are fine, but not for me, sexually and biologically. I wont go into full detail more on that, due to that its not exactly something that needs to be said. I use my penis a lot, lets leave it at that. lol
SO yes, I don't know how exactly feel about my gender right now. I tried breaking it down to make me more simple.
Masculine-associated:
>I like my penis
>I enjoy being a man
>Gay sex. That is all.
>being masculine makes me feel comfortable.
>you can always catch me in men's clothing
>I fart, belch, and go gross man-things.
>body hair (in moderation) is amazing
Feminine-associated:
>I like wearing women's clothing
>fake boobs are awesome (sometimes)
>I like wearing makeup.
>Dresses are my main form of fashion design
>I love being clean, neat, and looking my best.
>People mistake me for a woman even in men's clothing
>Higher pitched voice
>feminine gestures and attitude
>I love jewelry
>I want long hair
>Nail polish is amazing
Other:
>I gender-bend a lot with clothing (mixing clothing styles)
>I dress gender neutral a lot.
Evidently, THIS DIDN'T HELP me at all. Lovely.
I also realized that I have changed a lot. My days of wearing a ring one very finger, bracelets on both arms, and 3 necklaces is over. I am very plain now. And its much more comfortable. I realized that I am making moves to make me happy, rather than what is expected of me.
SO.... I don't really know what to think. I enjoy being a man, but I don't want to give up being a woman, but mostly because i have put so much effort into it and convincing people that I am a woman, and making sure that I was getting my way. I feel trapped, not in my own body, but in my own head.
I also noticed.... that when people refer to me as a female, I get a little uncomfortable. Not all the time, but most of the time I feel out of place. Its kinda like being pointed out for being overweight, or called out for having a speech impediment. It feels weird. Like....its not quite right. I don't want to give up presenting as female, but I dont want to give up being a man.
Am I a Transvestite?
Effeminate gay man?
Regular masculine gay man that likes effeminate things?
Masculine woman? (that's hard to believe)
Bigender?
Pangender?
Fuck all and do what I want?
All I know is that I don't think I identify as a woman, completely and wholly 100%.
SO all in all.... I really don't know what gender i am. Once I figure it out, I will probably post a journal about it. Until then, I'm removing my gender status on FA and leaving facebook alone.
Thanks for listening and reading. I', sorry the rant was so long. If you have any questions or concerns for me, or want to weigh in, PLEASE DO! I would really love that.
Love you all! 
I say that cause that is what happened to me.
That is very true as well that sometimes labels don't fit , and for you that may be the case where one label doesn't fit because you are a complicated individual.
SOmetimes 2 or 3 labels help. Im scared of that though.
I can think of a lot of boxes I fit into
genderfluid, tomboy, adhd, artist, fursuiter, writer, wife, daughter, aunt, I can think of tons more. ;)
And thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
I knwo in time I will beokay, but its the period of questioning and realizing that is the hardest. The road there and the process is never fun.
You will overcome this boundary.
Just gotta take a step back and realize it's just what makes you comfortable. Male and female are not weird godlike entities that are absolutes, they're just vague things where you find the balance to get comfortable.
After all you could take the route of doing HRT, getting feminized and getting boobies, but not getting surgery and keeping your junk in tact. I know several people who chose that and are quite happy with it (along with their partners haha)
I'm beginning to realize I may be more gender fluid myself and not some much fully mtf, so I know this feeling very well. I came out to EVERYONE as mtf and now I'm finding it harder to come out as "just genderfluid" and not many people know. It's definitely tough and I fear people responding and pointing out that I can't make up my mind or that I was just wrong in the first place or that I'm mentally unstable for flip-flopping or something. The positive reactions you're getting here is giving me some confidence, so thank you!
That sentence his so close to home its not even funny. You hit the nail on the head!
Its good to know someone else shares my sentiment, but I am so so sorry that you too are in the same or a similar spot. Its never fun to be in the limbo of finding yourself. I am happy though that the support is giving you confidence. And thank you for what you said.
it sounds to me like you're basing a lot of your feminine traits on stereotypes (i.e., wearing dresses and acting in a way typical for women). these things do not make you transsexual. if you are content being a man who genderbends, then yeah, you're probably a crossdresser rather than a transgender woman, and there's nothing wrong with that.
would you rather live as a man or a woman?
can you picture yourself growing old as a woman?
would you have been happier having been born a biological female?
mull over questions like these and if the answer that comes back to you is that you'd be happier as a man/are happy as a man, then I'd consider that you might not be transgender. or, alternatively -- you might be non-binary, if you haven't looked into this already I'd give that a go.
at the end of the day, the only person who can tell is you, really.
I'm not basing anything off stereotypes. Those are typically female and male associated traits. I am not saying they are definitive and solid things. I am not saying that those are the only ones, or even that I am content being a man.
Yes, I would rather live as a woman.
Yes, I can picture that.
And yes, I dream and cry myself to sleep knowing I'm NOT a woman.
I've thought over these questions my entire life. The question is not whether I want to be a man or woman. That's sex. I know I want to be a woman, but what I am trying to figure out is what KIND of woman on the gender spectrum and what kind of pronoun I want to use, and where I lay in terms of everyhting.
I know I am transgender. I may not be PROUD of it quite yet, but that will come in time.
You are right, at the end of the day, its who I AM that makes the final call. ANd I will be the judge of that.