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Aug 12: Depression's Mask
11 years ago
|██████████|BODY
|██████████|MIND
|██████████|SOUL
Status: Komm, süsser Tod Robin Williams
|██████████|Will To Art
█ I didn't expect to be writing about depression, but recent events in lieu of Robin William's suicide has gotten me thinking about it once again. It stirred my soul a little, and I find myself needing to express myself through words once again. This of course isn't going to be a happy journal, and you might even think along the lines of "why should I care?" So certainly you're free to stop reading here, that's perfectly fine.
I'll start off with that I'll be talking of depression that's caused by trauma, as opposed to depression that's caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. I suppose in theory both can be treated with drugs, but trauma based depression needs therapy I feel; because that depression is caused by experience.
A sentiment or thought pops up from other people in regards to Robin Williams, and it's "what does he have to be depressed about?" and it's a legitimate question. Robin after all had fame, fortune, family, friends, love, support; everything it seems that any person would want or need out of life. Yet he took his own life, and people find that baffling. The kinds of response to this kind of reality tends to be around how depression can affect anyone, or how such a horrible disease depression is; making out the thing to be some great mystical unknown. I don't find it baffling though. The explanation is pretty simple, even if people might not be able to comprehend it easily: Depressed people wear emotional masks.
"What kind of insight is that?" you might think. "What does wearing a mask have to do with depression?" It has a lot to do with it. Normal people will wear social masks, usually around strangers; acting nicer than you normally would. These social masks you take off for friends and family, who as a result tend to see the uglier side of an individual. Usually their tempers, creating the ironic situation of people treating strangers better than their friends and family. It is somewhat taxing to wear a social mask, it's probably hard for people to be 'well-mannered' 100% of the time, so it slips off around people you're comfortable with.
For a depressed person, their masks are more elaborate than a simple improvement of manners around strangers. For whatever reason at whatever point in their life, someone finds themselves constantly being rejected or abused by society. At some point that individual will find a mask that society finds tolerable, acceptable, or even likes (it's either that or they end up committing suicide). They will embrace and wear that mask at all times, because it stops society from treating them poorly. In Robin's case it was the clown's mask. People love the clown, he gets laughs and makes people happy. Whoever the real Robin Williams is, we don't know that person; we only know the mask. People adored his mask, loved it, he had a successful career with it, a family with it, friends with it. How much emptier can a life be, to be a life about a lie. What will a person see when they reflect on that life? How worthless they truly were to have invented up this lie that everyone embraces and cares for. That no one acknowledged him for him. No one loved him for him. No one befriended him for him. To live a life in fear of the mask coming off and to be rejected once again for who you really are. To be unable to be yourself. To love the mask but not yourself. To always be 'on'. Robin might have very well been 'on' for 50 years. He was likely on so long that he forgot how to ever be off and stop. He was trapped by his mask, suffocated by it, and ultimately killed by it. If I was to say anything to Robin it would probably be "I know you don't know how to anymore... but you can stop now. You can stop."
Though that's all speculation. I'm no psychiatrist, all I can do is guess based on my own experiences and what I've seen others experience. As for myself, I don't know. I don't know if the person who writes these journals is me or a mask I wear. If it's the person it's a person who's empty. If it's a mask, it's just as empty behind; but if it's such the case then what's the difference? The difference of course is that one can be filled, the other cannot. Robin wore a mask and stayed empty. The stuff I do here on FA, I feel might be a mask, because despite my time here I still feel pretty empty. It's probably empty because I could probably walk away from all this and probably not miss it. It's a mask I don't think I know how to take off either, and because of it I'll always stay distant. Well... upon a little reflection maybe it's a bit of a lie, because there's times it's slipped off; but usually when it does is when I feel the most pain, because people only know my mask. When that mask comes off they don't know how to deal with the person who's been behind it all along, and just end up hurting that person and hurting them deeply. They hurt that person wishing for the mask to come back. They liked the mask. That's why a person who has everything can feel like they have nothing. It's why they'll see their lives as empty and meaningless, even if it appears to others as full and meaningful. It's why I take almost no comfort or joy in my internet fame. It's why each time it gets that much harder to stop and take the mask off.
Just an interesting note to end this journal with: Despite it being about depression, the word 'sad' only appears once, and that's because I mentioned it just now.
|██████████|MIND
|██████████|SOUL
Status: Komm, süsser Tod Robin Williams
|██████████|Will To Art
█ I didn't expect to be writing about depression, but recent events in lieu of Robin William's suicide has gotten me thinking about it once again. It stirred my soul a little, and I find myself needing to express myself through words once again. This of course isn't going to be a happy journal, and you might even think along the lines of "why should I care?" So certainly you're free to stop reading here, that's perfectly fine.
I'll start off with that I'll be talking of depression that's caused by trauma, as opposed to depression that's caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. I suppose in theory both can be treated with drugs, but trauma based depression needs therapy I feel; because that depression is caused by experience.
A sentiment or thought pops up from other people in regards to Robin Williams, and it's "what does he have to be depressed about?" and it's a legitimate question. Robin after all had fame, fortune, family, friends, love, support; everything it seems that any person would want or need out of life. Yet he took his own life, and people find that baffling. The kinds of response to this kind of reality tends to be around how depression can affect anyone, or how such a horrible disease depression is; making out the thing to be some great mystical unknown. I don't find it baffling though. The explanation is pretty simple, even if people might not be able to comprehend it easily: Depressed people wear emotional masks.
"What kind of insight is that?" you might think. "What does wearing a mask have to do with depression?" It has a lot to do with it. Normal people will wear social masks, usually around strangers; acting nicer than you normally would. These social masks you take off for friends and family, who as a result tend to see the uglier side of an individual. Usually their tempers, creating the ironic situation of people treating strangers better than their friends and family. It is somewhat taxing to wear a social mask, it's probably hard for people to be 'well-mannered' 100% of the time, so it slips off around people you're comfortable with.
For a depressed person, their masks are more elaborate than a simple improvement of manners around strangers. For whatever reason at whatever point in their life, someone finds themselves constantly being rejected or abused by society. At some point that individual will find a mask that society finds tolerable, acceptable, or even likes (it's either that or they end up committing suicide). They will embrace and wear that mask at all times, because it stops society from treating them poorly. In Robin's case it was the clown's mask. People love the clown, he gets laughs and makes people happy. Whoever the real Robin Williams is, we don't know that person; we only know the mask. People adored his mask, loved it, he had a successful career with it, a family with it, friends with it. How much emptier can a life be, to be a life about a lie. What will a person see when they reflect on that life? How worthless they truly were to have invented up this lie that everyone embraces and cares for. That no one acknowledged him for him. No one loved him for him. No one befriended him for him. To live a life in fear of the mask coming off and to be rejected once again for who you really are. To be unable to be yourself. To love the mask but not yourself. To always be 'on'. Robin might have very well been 'on' for 50 years. He was likely on so long that he forgot how to ever be off and stop. He was trapped by his mask, suffocated by it, and ultimately killed by it. If I was to say anything to Robin it would probably be "I know you don't know how to anymore... but you can stop now. You can stop."
Though that's all speculation. I'm no psychiatrist, all I can do is guess based on my own experiences and what I've seen others experience. As for myself, I don't know. I don't know if the person who writes these journals is me or a mask I wear. If it's the person it's a person who's empty. If it's a mask, it's just as empty behind; but if it's such the case then what's the difference? The difference of course is that one can be filled, the other cannot. Robin wore a mask and stayed empty. The stuff I do here on FA, I feel might be a mask, because despite my time here I still feel pretty empty. It's probably empty because I could probably walk away from all this and probably not miss it. It's a mask I don't think I know how to take off either, and because of it I'll always stay distant. Well... upon a little reflection maybe it's a bit of a lie, because there's times it's slipped off; but usually when it does is when I feel the most pain, because people only know my mask. When that mask comes off they don't know how to deal with the person who's been behind it all along, and just end up hurting that person and hurting them deeply. They hurt that person wishing for the mask to come back. They liked the mask. That's why a person who has everything can feel like they have nothing. It's why they'll see their lives as empty and meaningless, even if it appears to others as full and meaningful. It's why I take almost no comfort or joy in my internet fame. It's why each time it gets that much harder to stop and take the mask off.
Just an interesting note to end this journal with: Despite it being about depression, the word 'sad' only appears once, and that's because I mentioned it just now.
But whatever the reason was for his passing or whoever he really was he still enriched the lives of many and we can still thank him for that.
I personally find myself stuck in a rut, where I feel I would be too weird not to have some mask on. I'm sure that there are a large number of people that would have the same thing. Feeling like you should be something, but for some reason or another, like social status, location, body type, sex, or those around you, it just wouldn't fly, and the stakes could be enormous anytime you think you might take a chance, and you just have to back out. Hold your cards. Then it crashes back down, and you're left right back where you started, but maybe feeling like crap. You lost a few chips for playing the round. Hell, look at people who have been beaten, or worse, for coming out of the closet. Disowned and kicked out of the house for not following the same religion, or even following a variant in the same one. And these are one position for one issue. There are a myriad of others that everyone has wrestled with at some point.
I'm sure any furry here who hasn't told anyone else can attest to this. Online, you can go nuts. Nobody knows who you are, and as long as you keep it that way, there isn't much in the way of repercussions for acting like you want. If it's not outright illegal, you might just get some one-time anon buttmad, but that would be it. But when it comes to family or friends, people who know you, and will remember details about you and recall them later, you just have to put on a mask and pretend 'nothing is out of the ordinary'. The stakes are too high for anyone to know.
But honestly idk what happened to Robbin Williams , its 9am and not fully woken up just wanted to give head sup on drug topic
I have no idea what i would have done though if i hadnt figured out it was the medication that was causing it though. There was a feeling there that i couldnt quite grasp and it was getting worse and worse, and it was only after the medication had left my system that everything started working itself out.
Now, I imagine that this type of depression is very different than any of my experiences so its really all just speculation to me. That said; it makes me wonder how many different types of depression there are, as mine had nothing to do with masks either. When I decided that I didn't want to be on this plane of existence anymore, it was a very different thing all together. I didn't feel like i was putting on a mask to get out and get what I was supposed to get done, just got up and did it. And that's were things got weird because, simply put, I started to stop caring about anything. Didn't care what others thought of me, what I looked like, any of it. Perhaps that joy was simply not there any more? Hard to say. And that seems to be a very different type of depression than you probably experience, as well as what Mr. Williams probably experienced. After all, it takes a LOT of care to be expressive, artistic, funny, all of that. Overloaded perhaps? Hmmn, maybe one day we'll know more about not just how the brain functions but more importantly why the brain functions. Because either way you can call all of this a chemical imbalanced but after living here long enough, I've kinda deterred threes no such thing as a balanced brain; just a skew of how imbalanced things are. Really though, that's a good thing; if they were all balanced we'd all be boring! I much prefer to live in a world with creativity, brilliance, and vibrancy, even if it comes at the cost of a massive human dark sides like violence, persecution, and greed. We'll never be all right, and I think I'm all right with that.
But now that I've punned this up badly I will leave with one final thought; Robbin Williams did star in a good little move called "What Dreams May Come" (no, not Wet dreams may Cum... damn coworkers...) While the underlying conflict in the film was "suicides don't go to heaven" then ultimate theme was love can save anyone. I don't believe in an afterlife but its worth nothing that Mr. Williams was very loved, and that might be enough (and remember, your all loved by someone, even if you can't see it!)
So if you have friends, and you know they don't have the best of life or things going on with them, yet they seem happy. Make sure you try keep eye out for things that are odd, our off key for them. Subtle things still tend to show, because remember the person with the mask is at higher risk.
I wear this mask.
And it is a mask built from the remains of trauma. These days I'm a very logical thinker and because of that, I am able to lock up emotions within me. I know, logically, this is not a good thing. I know I need help. But then my "mask" overrules everything and I reject all outside support. This, once again, originates from my past. I am a kind soul who deeply hates everything about myself, and yet most people will never see that darker side of me. I deal with the public daily, and my mask is forever present, portraying the "happy employee" even though I am treated like crap and hate every waking moment working there. Then my "mask" kicks in and logically think, I shouldn't complain because i have a full time job and there are people out there worse off than me.
Because of my past, I force myself to stay distant, not to ever get close. It really is enough to destroy a person's soul. In the Past 5 years I have developed severe depression, even having suicidal urges to just end it all and be done with it. But then I have always been stubborn. This is a mask of depression, and it grinds the soul day and night. Logic, of all things, is what holds me together. but then logic is cold and hard. there is no feeling of warmth in it. It is only a process. And with it, I have survived, but there is almost nothing left of the real "Me". All I have left is the mask that I wear. With it, I am empty.
How does a person undo half a lifetime of habit? People who have not experienced it think its as easy as just changing your mind and "thinking positive". It Doesn't work that way. I wish it did. How do you find hope for yourself when you abandoned it years ago and accepted heart and soul that "this is it".
For me, Logic tells me that what happened in the past is not my fault and I could not stop the person from doing what they did, nor could I ever know they were even capable of it. Yet logic also tells me, that without me at all, it never would have happened. That is a demon I live with and will die with.
Depression is a terrible thing, and the only thing I can offer people as advice, is get help early. The earlier you get help, the less embedded it will become and the better your recovery.
It doesn't just affect you. It affect all those around you in ways you may never know.
Probubly each one of my friends have had or got depression conditions in there life no matter what support they got it was tough to overcome, some had it from trauma as you mentioned or have an actual mental condition which they still strive to overcome but somtime you always see it showing its ugly face and my support is minimal to there mood.
People need to be more open and think outside the box, and know that a mind is a powerful thing and with a condition like depression destroy your world no matter what.
The star of my childhood robin Williams is prime example of this, it doesn't matter how good of a life you think they have, assuming everything is perfect is as false as a picture ever being perfect.
I wear
one to my friends in University,
one to my friends in High school,
one to the each of many communities I find online,
one to my coworkers,
one to my roommates,
one to my parents and family,
yet a different one to my own brother.
Turns out, if you have enough masks, you forget who you are. You become defined by those around you, creates an ego, and lose self confidence.
It leaves you empty inside, and fake outside.
Continue to wear the same masks, and you'll find that they are addicting; in the drug sense. You become addicted to the benefits of the masks you wear, you ignore the things they take away from you. And when and if this mask is taken off, you feel withdrawn.
Lonely, anxious, depressed.
I started talking to a friend recently, taking off all these masks. Turns out that even simple questions from someone else will help you think in a different way. A way where I saw a path out of my depression.
Ways to build self confidence, and move past the dependance on others acceptance.
I learned that failure or rejection is a normal part of life. That there are events and risks beyond control and calculation.
That my long held beliefs were wrong, and can be changed.
That I am not defined by those I associate with, but by who I am.
And that, no matter what mask you wear, or not wear, if you talk to enough people, you will eventually find someone who accepts you for being who you are.
I kept a journal of various thoughts going through my head as I went through depression this year, and essentially the post is just a summary of said journal.
Unfortunately it isn't offered this year as far as I can tell.
Removing the mask for a while and talking about it is a step in the right direction I believe.
Squeak hard, Endium. You can do it. ^'===='^
I need to write a journal about this...thank you, thank you for giving this perspective to us.
Ultimately the problem with masks are that they are as superficial as what they are made of. One thing that is hard to find in life is having people that we can be true with in a society that can frown upon that in many ways. Living for what makes one happy can be the hardest thing a person can do and is often confused such as serial killers and drug addicts.
Well, I shouldn't talk like I have a phD in anything those are just some insights.
And then also with how people are treating Robin William's death especially the WBC they just take it to far.
Maybe i didnt experience it long enough for it to affect me as it did so many others But i think i can understand the reasoning behind the mask. Is it a show of what you think people want to see or what you are? I think if there's some way to let it out or release what's pent up and let you be yourself then it may not cure depression but it might help.
Is he your mask?
What are you like inside, then?
As for Endium - I like this mask. It gives me porn I enjoy, it makes me feel less alone with my kind of sexual desires, gives me a place to hang out on FA, talk about, find other like-minded folks. I would definitely miss the influx of new and creative pics here.
In those persons I'm interested in. It's surely not appropriate to call oneselves "friend" if there's just a mutual area of interest, But someone who gives me stuff, who makes me happy, is someone I would also love to see happy. There's little I can do - comment on pics "in character", comment on your journals directly, +fav'ing your creations or commissioning you to not only consume your works, but also throw a bit of money your direction.
If that's the mask, and it's not the first time you made it quite clear that this what we know as Endium is just a part of you, perhaps a darker part, a kind of "venting" part, then I have to admin, I know nothing about the person behind. Whether I'd like him, have something in common with him. I do wish you could be happy, as I would wish this for Endium, which to the extend I can see into you, IS you - that's the part I can see. And I would wish you could see Endium and his fanbase as more of your work, something to be proud of to have achieved - and less like just an actor, which you screenwrite and act.
So let me say it like this:
If there somehow would be a choice between you continuing to emptyly enacting the Endium character, or you yourself getting happy but needing to dump Endium, and for some reasons this choice would be up to me - then I'd say: be happy! Yes, I'd miss Endium (and we all did when you were gone back then), but my gratitude for what joy you brought here extends to the one actually having done all this, and doesn't stop at the mask. Even though I know nothing but the mask, and might only like this one, too.
Sidenote: I can't tell whether I'm wearing such a mask myself. The social mask for sure, the "emotional one" I don't know. I did make it a point, though, to melt my own character (as in "mind", of this human body) with this dragon fursona I'm pretending to be on- and offline. Though that might be just a different kind of mask. I don't know.