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Small terrors, dancing dragons, and my place in it all.
11 years ago
General
In my last journal, I promised to post about something that made me incredibly happy at AC. I'm not doing this for it's own sake, but rather, to make clear my position on this matter in regards to furry conventions, fursuting, and where I fit myself into it.
I think what has prompted me to really start thinking about this was a video
kijanilion did for Anthrocon's masquerade. If I recall correctly, it featured a bunch of fursuiters performing for children and various children-related charities. It showed the children's smiles, the laughing, the playing along. All in all, very nice, very sweet. Bringing that sort of cheer and happiness to children is one of those universally-recognized good deeds.
But quite frankly, that's not why I'm here.
At the risk of being ostracized by the community (a term that within the community, sounds more akin to a TF sequence in which you become an ostrich), I just don't like children. In fact, in some cases I can be downright terrified of them. Not in the same way I'm afraid of spiders, mind you, but a fear nonetheless.
For example, this past AC, I was standing idle in the lobby in my panda suit. I was happily observing things, just minding my own business, standing in front of a pillar. Actually I was just happy to be able to see a damn thing, since this was my first con where I was wearing contact lenses. So yay for being able to see!
Of course, a child encounter occurs. While I'm looking around, I see that I've suddenly become the focus of attention of what appeared to be a husband/wife sitting on one of the benches in the lobby. They're waving at me. But something about that just seemed off. I've had plenty of people wanting my attention, hugs, or pictures with me, but I just had this instinct nagging me that there was something more to it than a simple wave. So I start frantically looking around. Trying to scan the entire lobby in the midday chaos with a fursuit head limiting my peripheral vision is really not fun.
By sheer coincidence, I happen to notice there's a full-length mirror on a nearby wall, and I just happen to be standing at a perfectly perpendicular angle, so I'm looking right at my own reflection. That's when I see two little girls standing at my 9 and 3 o'clock positions. They're both real small, probably no older than 6 and 4, respectively. And I didn't initially see them because they're both small enough and close enough to permanently be in my blind zone.
FUCK
There's about a thousand problems when interacting with other furries that have some vague idea about how to interact back with a fursuiter. There's a million problems when trying to interact with the general public. And the general public's children? That's an exponential problem.
It's easy to forget because many or most of us generally only interact with each other in fursuit, as in, within the community. So hand signals, bumping into people, tripping over stuff, there's a lot of leeway given. I can't even count how many times I walk through the convention space and bump into someone who either took a step back and didn't know I was there, was taking a step forward and was occupied with their phone and didn't know I was there, or even other fursuiters who were in my blind peripheral zones and I happened to be in theirs as well, so we end up knocking into each other. Yes I look around a lot, so does everyone else, but some small hallways and six thousand people, collisions happen.
Now this is a question more geared towards the fursuiters but anyone can stop and think about it for a second – when was the last time you bumped into someone while fursuiting and even knew what part of them you bumped into? Think about it. We, as furries that deal with fursuiter collisions frequently, know what to ignore and what to genuinely freak out about. The general public, however, does not know this. Especially kids. And especially kids' parents who are watching their kids interact with a stranger.
For the most part this isn't an issue with small children. But think about this, your hands (or at least mine) are at the perfect height so if you're walking and swinging your arms which is normal for walking, you'll smack a small child right in the face. A child you would not even realize was there until something bumped into your hand.
What if I hadn't noticed the parents waving at me, and took a step forward? I could have easily injured one of those children as I tripped over them, or worse, stepped on their foot.
A billion things can go wrong at any moment, from a parent overreacting to a movement I make, to a child deciding it's funny to punch my crotch, or a child deciding they should climb on me like playground equipment. And those are just the surface-level things that can go wrong. This is, presumably, an important part of this kid's life. They're going to remember the day their parents brought them to Anthrocon just as much as the day they go to Disneyland. So whatever I do, this child is going to remember it for the rest of their lives. And so will the parents. These people's impression of Anthrocon, Furries, and especially fursuiters, is suddenly all on me.
Again at the risk of being turned into an ostrich, I don't want this responsibility. I'm not here for this. What I am here for, I'll get to in the latter part of this journal. For now...
So yes, I see children in my blind spots in the mirror and I'm about freaking out. I don't like kids. I don't hate them, I just prefer not to be around them. Suddenly I've got a pair of them doing a surprise flanking formation on me. I'm not a good fursuiter to begin with. I don't know how to interact with people to begin with. The only place where I don't feel out of place and everything feels natural is a work setting. I'm not all that animated when I'm in suit. I can't come up with creative and crazy little emotes and gestures on the fly. The extent of my abilities is "stand around and look cute". But now I have to suddenly entertain these two kids.
For the record and to get this out of the way now, both kids behaved like perfect angels. They were polite, spoke softly, and never once acted out in an aggressive or temperamental manner. So, they're okay by me. But my initial reaction with children is always trepidation at first. Moving along...
I had no idea what to do about these kids. So my first instinct, I kid you not, was just to walk back to their parents slowly and carefully, making sure the kids were still following. This is the way I generally deal with friendly dogs that get away from their masters. Try to get them back to their place of origin without directly interacting with them. Well mission accomplished, they followed me back to their parents sitting on the bench.
The father was waving at me/his kids and taking pictures. When I finished my approach, he exclaimed, "Oh [child's name here] just LOVES pandas!" I have to admit I immediately did another scan of the lobby, hoping I could find another panda to distract them, no no avail. Also, I didn't think the "I've returned these adolescents to their guardians, good day citizen, I must now be elsewhere" routine would work. Frankly the only thing I could think of to do was crouch down and wave at the kids. And they did the normal kid things you could probably imagine. Squealed with excitement, gave me random hugs, gave me high-fives, et cetera.
Playing it as safe as possible because of the aforementioned fears, all I could do was react to whatever the child starting acting towards. Hug? Sure, open my arms and let them hug me. Put their hand up? Sure, we can do some high-fives and all that. Nothing going on for a few seconds? Put my paws up to my muzzle and tilt my head, try to look cute. Meanwhile, father's taking pictures and having just as much of a good time as his kids are. I wave for the camera Good for him, good for them, whatever. As soon as the children got more or less bored of me, I got out of there. Carefully mind you, so I didn't trip over a child or anything, but I left the lobby and never returned to the lobby in fursuit for the rest of the con. Anytime after that where I suited, I stayed within the convention center.
Like I said, children freak me out. Those girls were perfect little angels, but in my experience children can be chaotic and unpredictable. I can't help but be on edge around kids, wondering if one of them is going to do something antagonistic or destructive without fully realizing the weight of their actions (it's not their fault. They're kids, it's part of the program at that age). And I don't want the pressure or responsibility of being this family's primary impression of fursuiters, Anthrocon, or the furry fandom.
All of this is to put into context the primary point of this journal, which is both why I'm here and what all this has to do with something happy that I promised both in my last journal and at the beginning of this one.
To summarize in two words: dancing dragons.
Huh?
Let me explain. A child's view of the world is already full of magic. There's monsters under the bed, there's a fat man to bring them presents every winter (just ask Virginia or the New York Sun), planes fly, tides go in and out and they can't explain that, and so on. The entire world runs on magic when you're that age. Life-sized plushies or talking animals like they see in cartoons is just another part of it. It may be memorable, yes, but they not going to fully appreciate it as much as the adults who let themselves slip into that sort of openness again.
Let me explain by example. Same Anthrocon. Some people might recall the performance
skyryd3r gave during the masquerade. It was a stunningly beautiful and artistic performance seemingly inspired by Eastern cultures, a perfect fit for his already incredibly-cute character. The discipline, the precision, the passion, I just enjoyed every second of it.
The next day, I was lucky enough to encounter him in the hallways while I had my camera on me. Of course I was rather excitable, but I calmly and politely asked for some photos. And oh my god, when he spoke...I just fucking melted. Have you ever heard skyryd3r talk in character? Some of you that follow me on twitter caught wind of this immediately after this event, but his voice is just so incredibly dreamy! Like, imagine the most regal, sincere, empathetic voice you could think of for an powerful but loving eastern dragon character you might find in a cartoon. That's what he sounds like. It's just perfect. I almost melted right on the spot. After I took some photos, I asked him for a hug, and he obliged. So I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a good squeeze. Meanwhile my inner child is screaming out like a fanboy "OH MY GOD I'M HUGGING THE DANCING DRAGON THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT EVER!!!" And I may or may not have squealed and giggled while I did it. I was grinning from ear to ear and walked away with a little skip in my step. It totally made my day and left enough of an impression that I'm here, months later, citing it.
(He even walked away with one paw behind his back, folded neatly, the other rubbing his chin akin to serious contemplation, like a monk focusing on deep, philosophical dilemmas. Just couldn't help but notice that)
This is what I'm here for. Not just for hugging cute characters, but to get some of that magic back. As adults, we go through our lives every day without that magic. We go to work if we're lucky enough to be employed. We pay our taxes, our bills, and try to plan out our daily and monthly lives. There's no magic in what we do anymore. We know how the world works, or enough of it to know there's no monsters under the bed anymore. There's no real mystery or suspense left for us to uncover in our daily lives. We have our imaginations, yes, but in the end we are still mostly rational people living out our rational lives.
As furries, we let a little bit of that magic back in. And I think the public at large is starting to realize that's what we're about. Some of them get it. Ever go to a Blue Man Group concert? I've been to one several times. At no point during the performance am I sitting there thinking about three random guys in blue makeup and masks. They're The Blue Man Group. And I can put rational thinking on the backburner and enjoy a performance by people who blur the line between guys wearing masks and, well, something else entirely.
When I fursuit, I want to be like skyryd3r and all the rest of the performers who really bring through characters and bring them to life for us. Someday I want to be able to do that. Until then, I'm content putting rationale aside and being a consumer of beautiful performances and interesting characters. Kuddlepup once put it very succinctly on twitter, but I've since lost the link. I'll try to paraphrase here, "Don't forget, as an adult, those things which brought you joy as a child".
I'm here because Furry brings a special magic back into my life, and I want to share and share alike with those in the community who are open to that concept. That's why I take photos of fursuiters. That's why someday I want to be one of the performers, and not just another mascot walking around. Because it is something special, even a little sacred. For what little magic we can bring back into our adult lives. For each other. For you guys. For me in whatever way I can find to fit into it. This is what makes me happy. This is why I'm here. This is why I'll never leave.
I think what has prompted me to really start thinking about this was a video
kijanilion did for Anthrocon's masquerade. If I recall correctly, it featured a bunch of fursuiters performing for children and various children-related charities. It showed the children's smiles, the laughing, the playing along. All in all, very nice, very sweet. Bringing that sort of cheer and happiness to children is one of those universally-recognized good deeds.But quite frankly, that's not why I'm here.
At the risk of being ostracized by the community (a term that within the community, sounds more akin to a TF sequence in which you become an ostrich), I just don't like children. In fact, in some cases I can be downright terrified of them. Not in the same way I'm afraid of spiders, mind you, but a fear nonetheless.
For example, this past AC, I was standing idle in the lobby in my panda suit. I was happily observing things, just minding my own business, standing in front of a pillar. Actually I was just happy to be able to see a damn thing, since this was my first con where I was wearing contact lenses. So yay for being able to see!
Of course, a child encounter occurs. While I'm looking around, I see that I've suddenly become the focus of attention of what appeared to be a husband/wife sitting on one of the benches in the lobby. They're waving at me. But something about that just seemed off. I've had plenty of people wanting my attention, hugs, or pictures with me, but I just had this instinct nagging me that there was something more to it than a simple wave. So I start frantically looking around. Trying to scan the entire lobby in the midday chaos with a fursuit head limiting my peripheral vision is really not fun.
By sheer coincidence, I happen to notice there's a full-length mirror on a nearby wall, and I just happen to be standing at a perfectly perpendicular angle, so I'm looking right at my own reflection. That's when I see two little girls standing at my 9 and 3 o'clock positions. They're both real small, probably no older than 6 and 4, respectively. And I didn't initially see them because they're both small enough and close enough to permanently be in my blind zone.
FUCK
There's about a thousand problems when interacting with other furries that have some vague idea about how to interact back with a fursuiter. There's a million problems when trying to interact with the general public. And the general public's children? That's an exponential problem.
It's easy to forget because many or most of us generally only interact with each other in fursuit, as in, within the community. So hand signals, bumping into people, tripping over stuff, there's a lot of leeway given. I can't even count how many times I walk through the convention space and bump into someone who either took a step back and didn't know I was there, was taking a step forward and was occupied with their phone and didn't know I was there, or even other fursuiters who were in my blind peripheral zones and I happened to be in theirs as well, so we end up knocking into each other. Yes I look around a lot, so does everyone else, but some small hallways and six thousand people, collisions happen.
Now this is a question more geared towards the fursuiters but anyone can stop and think about it for a second – when was the last time you bumped into someone while fursuiting and even knew what part of them you bumped into? Think about it. We, as furries that deal with fursuiter collisions frequently, know what to ignore and what to genuinely freak out about. The general public, however, does not know this. Especially kids. And especially kids' parents who are watching their kids interact with a stranger.
For the most part this isn't an issue with small children. But think about this, your hands (or at least mine) are at the perfect height so if you're walking and swinging your arms which is normal for walking, you'll smack a small child right in the face. A child you would not even realize was there until something bumped into your hand.
What if I hadn't noticed the parents waving at me, and took a step forward? I could have easily injured one of those children as I tripped over them, or worse, stepped on their foot.
A billion things can go wrong at any moment, from a parent overreacting to a movement I make, to a child deciding it's funny to punch my crotch, or a child deciding they should climb on me like playground equipment. And those are just the surface-level things that can go wrong. This is, presumably, an important part of this kid's life. They're going to remember the day their parents brought them to Anthrocon just as much as the day they go to Disneyland. So whatever I do, this child is going to remember it for the rest of their lives. And so will the parents. These people's impression of Anthrocon, Furries, and especially fursuiters, is suddenly all on me.
Again at the risk of being turned into an ostrich, I don't want this responsibility. I'm not here for this. What I am here for, I'll get to in the latter part of this journal. For now...
So yes, I see children in my blind spots in the mirror and I'm about freaking out. I don't like kids. I don't hate them, I just prefer not to be around them. Suddenly I've got a pair of them doing a surprise flanking formation on me. I'm not a good fursuiter to begin with. I don't know how to interact with people to begin with. The only place where I don't feel out of place and everything feels natural is a work setting. I'm not all that animated when I'm in suit. I can't come up with creative and crazy little emotes and gestures on the fly. The extent of my abilities is "stand around and look cute". But now I have to suddenly entertain these two kids.
For the record and to get this out of the way now, both kids behaved like perfect angels. They were polite, spoke softly, and never once acted out in an aggressive or temperamental manner. So, they're okay by me. But my initial reaction with children is always trepidation at first. Moving along...
I had no idea what to do about these kids. So my first instinct, I kid you not, was just to walk back to their parents slowly and carefully, making sure the kids were still following. This is the way I generally deal with friendly dogs that get away from their masters. Try to get them back to their place of origin without directly interacting with them. Well mission accomplished, they followed me back to their parents sitting on the bench.
The father was waving at me/his kids and taking pictures. When I finished my approach, he exclaimed, "Oh [child's name here] just LOVES pandas!" I have to admit I immediately did another scan of the lobby, hoping I could find another panda to distract them, no no avail. Also, I didn't think the "I've returned these adolescents to their guardians, good day citizen, I must now be elsewhere" routine would work. Frankly the only thing I could think of to do was crouch down and wave at the kids. And they did the normal kid things you could probably imagine. Squealed with excitement, gave me random hugs, gave me high-fives, et cetera.
Playing it as safe as possible because of the aforementioned fears, all I could do was react to whatever the child starting acting towards. Hug? Sure, open my arms and let them hug me. Put their hand up? Sure, we can do some high-fives and all that. Nothing going on for a few seconds? Put my paws up to my muzzle and tilt my head, try to look cute. Meanwhile, father's taking pictures and having just as much of a good time as his kids are. I wave for the camera Good for him, good for them, whatever. As soon as the children got more or less bored of me, I got out of there. Carefully mind you, so I didn't trip over a child or anything, but I left the lobby and never returned to the lobby in fursuit for the rest of the con. Anytime after that where I suited, I stayed within the convention center.
Like I said, children freak me out. Those girls were perfect little angels, but in my experience children can be chaotic and unpredictable. I can't help but be on edge around kids, wondering if one of them is going to do something antagonistic or destructive without fully realizing the weight of their actions (it's not their fault. They're kids, it's part of the program at that age). And I don't want the pressure or responsibility of being this family's primary impression of fursuiters, Anthrocon, or the furry fandom.
All of this is to put into context the primary point of this journal, which is both why I'm here and what all this has to do with something happy that I promised both in my last journal and at the beginning of this one.
To summarize in two words: dancing dragons.
Huh?
Let me explain. A child's view of the world is already full of magic. There's monsters under the bed, there's a fat man to bring them presents every winter (just ask Virginia or the New York Sun), planes fly, tides go in and out and they can't explain that, and so on. The entire world runs on magic when you're that age. Life-sized plushies or talking animals like they see in cartoons is just another part of it. It may be memorable, yes, but they not going to fully appreciate it as much as the adults who let themselves slip into that sort of openness again.
Let me explain by example. Same Anthrocon. Some people might recall the performance
skyryd3r gave during the masquerade. It was a stunningly beautiful and artistic performance seemingly inspired by Eastern cultures, a perfect fit for his already incredibly-cute character. The discipline, the precision, the passion, I just enjoyed every second of it.The next day, I was lucky enough to encounter him in the hallways while I had my camera on me. Of course I was rather excitable, but I calmly and politely asked for some photos. And oh my god, when he spoke...I just fucking melted. Have you ever heard
skyryd3r talk in character? Some of you that follow me on twitter caught wind of this immediately after this event, but his voice is just so incredibly dreamy! Like, imagine the most regal, sincere, empathetic voice you could think of for an powerful but loving eastern dragon character you might find in a cartoon. That's what he sounds like. It's just perfect. I almost melted right on the spot. After I took some photos, I asked him for a hug, and he obliged. So I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a good squeeze. Meanwhile my inner child is screaming out like a fanboy "OH MY GOD I'M HUGGING THE DANCING DRAGON THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT EVER!!!" And I may or may not have squealed and giggled while I did it. I was grinning from ear to ear and walked away with a little skip in my step. It totally made my day and left enough of an impression that I'm here, months later, citing it.(He even walked away with one paw behind his back, folded neatly, the other rubbing his chin akin to serious contemplation, like a monk focusing on deep, philosophical dilemmas. Just couldn't help but notice that)
This is what I'm here for. Not just for hugging cute characters, but to get some of that magic back. As adults, we go through our lives every day without that magic. We go to work if we're lucky enough to be employed. We pay our taxes, our bills, and try to plan out our daily and monthly lives. There's no magic in what we do anymore. We know how the world works, or enough of it to know there's no monsters under the bed anymore. There's no real mystery or suspense left for us to uncover in our daily lives. We have our imaginations, yes, but in the end we are still mostly rational people living out our rational lives.
As furries, we let a little bit of that magic back in. And I think the public at large is starting to realize that's what we're about. Some of them get it. Ever go to a Blue Man Group concert? I've been to one several times. At no point during the performance am I sitting there thinking about three random guys in blue makeup and masks. They're The Blue Man Group. And I can put rational thinking on the backburner and enjoy a performance by people who blur the line between guys wearing masks and, well, something else entirely.
When I fursuit, I want to be like
skyryd3r and all the rest of the performers who really bring through characters and bring them to life for us. Someday I want to be able to do that. Until then, I'm content putting rationale aside and being a consumer of beautiful performances and interesting characters. Kuddlepup once put it very succinctly on twitter, but I've since lost the link. I'll try to paraphrase here, "Don't forget, as an adult, those things which brought you joy as a child".I'm here because Furry brings a special magic back into my life, and I want to share and share alike with those in the community who are open to that concept. That's why I take photos of fursuiters. That's why someday I want to be one of the performers, and not just another mascot walking around. Because it is something special, even a little sacred. For what little magic we can bring back into our adult lives. For each other. For you guys. For me in whatever way I can find to fit into it. This is what makes me happy. This is why I'm here. This is why I'll never leave.
And yes, Skyryd3r is an inspiration when it comes to fursuiting. I really miss him in the old tauntaun fursuit and that very cute playful voice he gave him. Very much looking forward to seeing him perform live in his new dragon.
As for the kids... Out of suit I am not children friendly, and try to avoid them. Especially holding babies..
In suit, especially when I'm wearing Eddie Bear or Shaemus and in full character mode, I adore kids. I know how to interact with them, and what to do to entertain them, something that's missing when I'm in human form. Although I still won't hold babies, as they don't bounce if you happen to drop them.
Yes, I have bumped into and tripped over kids that are in my blind spots. I overact the feeling bad routine when I do, and that makes it all better for them. And follow up with a massive hug.
You've pretty much spoken my heart in the furry fandom out in this journal - I aim to bring the magic back to a world that's lost it, no matter whether it lasts 5 seconds, 5 days at a con, or the 5 years I've been in the fandom now. Just seeing the smiles and the reactions of people that I'm able to inspire is what keeps me going.
Thank you for the praise, man...it really tells me that I'm on the right track and fulfilling my passion when I fursuit. I can only hope that I can continue to do that, for as long as I can...and for everyone I can.
*hugs*
P.S. still DYING to see your photos that you took of Tien...I'm sure he'll have another hug (or many) for you when he sees them. ;)
You're right, adulthood is generally a lot less colorful and full of wonder, and while I don't dislike kids, I spent a lot of time and money pouring my soul into my character, and I just would hate to have her damaged even by accident or to inadvertantly knock a kid over.
Now that I've passed 30, I'm not even sure where I fit in the fandom anymore. I'm still glad to be here, I think I always will, but I used to know who I was. Anyway, this is as good a reason to dress up as a tall kangaroo as any, and thanks for sharing the story.