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We Ain't Talkin'
11 years ago
We ain't ever talkin'.
I've wanted to write something like this for a long-long time. I've either forgotten, or I've put it off, or something else got in the way. Last night it was on my mind, but my sickness postponed it and The Great Divergence.
I'm writing this as a critique of human nature, as such, I'm included. Do not think I exclude myself from the scope of this argument.
So we aren't talking. I think our communication skills, as humans, has dwindled to an all-time low. My first main conjecture has to do with communication via text or communication via audio only, and my second conjecture regarding the status of our relationships.
When we talk with people, we talk in three different ways:
1: Word choice and organization. (Connotation, annotation, referral, grammar, stress, et al.)
2: Tone.
3: Body language.
When we use text, we cut off the latter two of those. If we try to interject a tone through role-play words and adverbs, we ignore the meat behind tone: inflection. If you put emphasis on any different word in a sentence, the meaning is changed. We can try, but text is not near as viable and voice-only is not near as viable as being in person or using video chat. With just plain text, we often read too much or too little into what people say, and sometimes, read it in the incorrect tone in our minds. We can completely misunderstand the intentions of something.
However, that is not the matter I'm bringing up.
A lot of my text involves cuddling or things involved to bring up happy thoughts and sensations, and sometimes I feel that the friendships are starting to revolve around those. With some of my friends, I feel that I've become so distant and so unsure about how to even talk to them. Cuddle chats and etc., I think, have become a wedge between people and the more it happens, the more it drives us apart. The only way to bridge the gap that's being created is to actually converse in deep conversation.
...And we slip up there too. A lot of our effort, even unconsciously, is put into how we word things. A lot of that effort is sometimes drained before the topic is addressed whatsoever. With some of the conversations I've had in the last couple months, the actual topic has been sidelined entirely. I tend to think that people avoid discussions that involve dangerous and controversial topics when those are the ones we should be addressing the most. That is, after all, the things that make us comfortable or uncomfortable. They also tend to be the matters that really define our characters.
The following is a brief list of thoughts that I have kept to myself in the last few months:
1) What happens if I find that I'm no longer able to keep my faith?
2) Every time I see pornography of friends, I'm disturbed and terrified of the long-term consequences of such.
3) I wonder how my bisexuality/fluid-sexuality affects how people view me. Does the fact that sexuality and Christianity "conflict" in the modern world mean that I'm the enemy of both parties? Do people see me differently because of this? If I really don't care about my sexuality, will it still affect them?
4) I don't know how to tell my friends who aren't Christian that Christ is the best thing that I think could ever happen to them.
5) I don't know how to live in a world where people a lot of who claim to be Christian tend not to be Christian in the slightest; or care about their faith in the slightest.
6) I can't tell my friends that what I think they're doing is wrong (I can't disagree) without being a "judgmental a-hole" although I'm voicing my opinion because I'm legitimately concerned.
I have discussed zero of these points with anybody. I have discussed controversial topics with two of my friends, and that is not near enough communication.
Do we care about our friends enough to ask them what matters most? To share values?
This is perhaps the most troubling part for me and the people I've asked. The question itself seems awkward and out of place in any conversation: "What matters most to you?" It's 'too deep' to ask out of the blue, apparently. Some are unprepared, and I can understand that- it takes time to inventory ourselves. I've become afraid to ask this question.
But I've never been asked that question and I think we've 'sedated' ourselves with the concept of having friends to the point that it doesn't matter who our friends are and what they value. I don't mean, for the contrary, that we should take a razor and cut away all our friends that disagree. I mean having thoughtful discourse with our friends about what's important. After all these years, we've become more able to converse but less able to effectively communicate what makes us us. Frankly, we ain't talking.
Technology brings our presence across miles to where we're in effect next to each other but we're becoming further and further apart. I think having a friendship where we can openly discuss tough topics and accept each other is what makes friends truly friends. I don't think people who chat for warm fuzzy five-minute-feelings are truly friends. If we can love each other enough that we're no longer caring with simple emotion, but with our full hearts and minds...
I don't know... really. This world has become so divisive about different opinions I believe this separation between people is making this gap between friends a normal occurrence. After a while, I think being close with friends "in spirit" will be the defining gap between people. Right now, it serves as the marking divisor between acquaintances and my true friends. It's heartbreaking to me. I don't like the idea that two individuals who disagree on a topic have to be distant. It didn't used to be that way. Old religious critics of society used to give examples of a Muslim and Christian disagreeing and using such as the fuel for a hearty relationship:
"A boundary unites. Many a magnanimous Moslem and chivalrous Crusader must have been nearer to each other... ... 'I say God is One," and "I say God is One but also Three," and that is the beginning of a good quarrelsome, manly friendship. (...) Our political vagueness divides men, it does not fuse them." 1
I dare say that we are driving walls between each other instead of bridging the gap. It seems that our vagueness regarding each other has become the norm, and as such, we're becoming interested in being friends if they comfort us. And following from that, I think it could possibly even extend that we are only happy if we're not caring for our friends... that we're not responsible with our friendships and knowledge of our loved ones.
1 - Pages 16~20, "What Is Wrong With The World", G.K. Chesterton. (Published 1910,) Kindle edition.
I've wanted to write something like this for a long-long time. I've either forgotten, or I've put it off, or something else got in the way. Last night it was on my mind, but my sickness postponed it and The Great Divergence.
I'm writing this as a critique of human nature, as such, I'm included. Do not think I exclude myself from the scope of this argument.
So we aren't talking. I think our communication skills, as humans, has dwindled to an all-time low. My first main conjecture has to do with communication via text or communication via audio only, and my second conjecture regarding the status of our relationships.
When we talk with people, we talk in three different ways:
1: Word choice and organization. (Connotation, annotation, referral, grammar, stress, et al.)
2: Tone.
3: Body language.
When we use text, we cut off the latter two of those. If we try to interject a tone through role-play words and adverbs, we ignore the meat behind tone: inflection. If you put emphasis on any different word in a sentence, the meaning is changed. We can try, but text is not near as viable and voice-only is not near as viable as being in person or using video chat. With just plain text, we often read too much or too little into what people say, and sometimes, read it in the incorrect tone in our minds. We can completely misunderstand the intentions of something.
However, that is not the matter I'm bringing up.
A lot of my text involves cuddling or things involved to bring up happy thoughts and sensations, and sometimes I feel that the friendships are starting to revolve around those. With some of my friends, I feel that I've become so distant and so unsure about how to even talk to them. Cuddle chats and etc., I think, have become a wedge between people and the more it happens, the more it drives us apart. The only way to bridge the gap that's being created is to actually converse in deep conversation.
...And we slip up there too. A lot of our effort, even unconsciously, is put into how we word things. A lot of that effort is sometimes drained before the topic is addressed whatsoever. With some of the conversations I've had in the last couple months, the actual topic has been sidelined entirely. I tend to think that people avoid discussions that involve dangerous and controversial topics when those are the ones we should be addressing the most. That is, after all, the things that make us comfortable or uncomfortable. They also tend to be the matters that really define our characters.
The following is a brief list of thoughts that I have kept to myself in the last few months:
1) What happens if I find that I'm no longer able to keep my faith?
2) Every time I see pornography of friends, I'm disturbed and terrified of the long-term consequences of such.
3) I wonder how my bisexuality/fluid-sexuality affects how people view me. Does the fact that sexuality and Christianity "conflict" in the modern world mean that I'm the enemy of both parties? Do people see me differently because of this? If I really don't care about my sexuality, will it still affect them?
4) I don't know how to tell my friends who aren't Christian that Christ is the best thing that I think could ever happen to them.
5) I don't know how to live in a world where people a lot of who claim to be Christian tend not to be Christian in the slightest; or care about their faith in the slightest.
6) I can't tell my friends that what I think they're doing is wrong (I can't disagree) without being a "judgmental a-hole" although I'm voicing my opinion because I'm legitimately concerned.
I have discussed zero of these points with anybody. I have discussed controversial topics with two of my friends, and that is not near enough communication.
Do we care about our friends enough to ask them what matters most? To share values?
This is perhaps the most troubling part for me and the people I've asked. The question itself seems awkward and out of place in any conversation: "What matters most to you?" It's 'too deep' to ask out of the blue, apparently. Some are unprepared, and I can understand that- it takes time to inventory ourselves. I've become afraid to ask this question.
But I've never been asked that question and I think we've 'sedated' ourselves with the concept of having friends to the point that it doesn't matter who our friends are and what they value. I don't mean, for the contrary, that we should take a razor and cut away all our friends that disagree. I mean having thoughtful discourse with our friends about what's important. After all these years, we've become more able to converse but less able to effectively communicate what makes us us. Frankly, we ain't talking.
Technology brings our presence across miles to where we're in effect next to each other but we're becoming further and further apart. I think having a friendship where we can openly discuss tough topics and accept each other is what makes friends truly friends. I don't think people who chat for warm fuzzy five-minute-feelings are truly friends. If we can love each other enough that we're no longer caring with simple emotion, but with our full hearts and minds...
I don't know... really. This world has become so divisive about different opinions I believe this separation between people is making this gap between friends a normal occurrence. After a while, I think being close with friends "in spirit" will be the defining gap between people. Right now, it serves as the marking divisor between acquaintances and my true friends. It's heartbreaking to me. I don't like the idea that two individuals who disagree on a topic have to be distant. It didn't used to be that way. Old religious critics of society used to give examples of a Muslim and Christian disagreeing and using such as the fuel for a hearty relationship:
"A boundary unites. Many a magnanimous Moslem and chivalrous Crusader must have been nearer to each other... ... 'I say God is One," and "I say God is One but also Three," and that is the beginning of a good quarrelsome, manly friendship. (...) Our political vagueness divides men, it does not fuse them." 1
I dare say that we are driving walls between each other instead of bridging the gap. It seems that our vagueness regarding each other has become the norm, and as such, we're becoming interested in being friends if they comfort us. And following from that, I think it could possibly even extend that we are only happy if we're not caring for our friends... that we're not responsible with our friendships and knowledge of our loved ones.
1 - Pages 16~20, "What Is Wrong With The World", G.K. Chesterton. (Published 1910,) Kindle edition.
Firstly, yes, we do talk in those ways. And I agree with your point on the text chat and voice chat only. I do prefer in person or video chat, that's for sure. Because it gets my message (well, I am terrible at communicating my stuffs anyways but it has far less chance of being misinterpreted) through pretty well. Even though, I do not seek those types of interaction with just about anyone. I am not the friendliest person, I avoid new people, I avoid people in general unless I am really comfortable with them. Then I desire such interaction. But I digress, that isn't the point. When we use text, there's a huge room for error. I might intend on saying A, but others might understood it as Z. Completely different. Makes me quite paranoid about my usage of periods sometimes because I do interpret those, without emoticons as quite cold, not so interested type of response sometimes. But, as you point out, this isn't the meat of your post. Moving on.
My text involve cuddling. I mean, a lot. You should have seen me when I first got involved in this. 95% will be cuddling. I like cuddling myself. It's really nice, despite it being virtual and stuff. It is just those words sometimes just melt my frozen heart. I've been trying to bring up happy thoughts and stuffs too. They are nice and I put a lot of my energy into it. You know what, people like it too and makes it easier for me to get along. However, as you said, I've been feeling that the friendships start revolve around these. Be it in furry fandom or in real life. We are all so into talking about 'feel good' stuffs. I have found out in hardway that friendships like those are usually shallow ones. How do I know this? We never have a deep conversation, and when the topic is brought up, no matter how gradual or sudden, the topic is buried under the cuddling text or rejected with text something along the line of this: 'I do not want to talk about it, let's talk about something lighter'. It is completely understandable that people don't want to talk about deep stuffs really. However, as a person who has this desire to know deeply about people's views on things, life and backstory (espcially those who I love and care for), this just tells me that the friendship is just very shallow one even though it might involve lots of cuddling and positive stuffs (lots of 'talking'). May be it's just me but that's how I see it. It saddens hurts me, sometimes brings me to the tears when I realize I have no one to have deep conversation with and with confidence when we do. To me, that means, I made no deep connection with people, even though I thought I did, or tried real hard to. I still do cry a bit over this because I feel like there's this invisible thing blocking.
And the list of thoughts you have kept to yourself, I am glad that you are letting them out. Because, all of those, apply to me and I've been thinking about. Especially 1), 4), 5) and 6). Those thoughts have been in me for years and years ever since becoming a Christian. Regarding 2), the first time I saw someone put porn pictures of themselves on, I was terrified and disgusted and considering I don't know them too well. I can only imagine how it'd been for you. 3), I've been asking the same question. There have been many thoughts in my head but mostly leads to more thoughts. Anywho, I feel you there.
Do we care about our friends enough to ask them what matters most? To share values?
This question, I consistently find myself asking a lot. Well, I do ask this to people too, but most of the times, it's met with the same reaction as you experienced. It's too 'deep' for most people even though we've been 'talking' for months and what not. This question, also for me, takes form of question involving love. I've seen many people throwing out 'I love ______' or 'I love you', but it makes me wonder, do we truly love? Do we truly love one another to care enough to ask about their values and such?
Perhaps this is the world's directive nowadays. Or perhaps not. We are all people. I believe that we aren't willing to go deep because we feel that it is us being burdensome to one another. After all, you have to service everyone with a smile. I may be guilty of this as well because I've been trained to do just that, avoid heavy stuffs.
Especially the section regarding love. I feel that my post fits about halfway with the topic of love. We could interchangeably swap out "care" and "love" up there in the post and get very similar. My thoughts regarding love aren't much different, but they are worthy of their own journal due to length.
It is completely understandable that people don't want to talk about deep stuffs really. However, as a person who has this desire to know deeply about people's views on things, life and backstory (espcially those who I love and care for), this just tells me that the friendship is just very shallow one even though it might involve lots of cuddling and positive stuffs (lots of 'talking').
My thoughts exactly, man.
I don't want to be fake to someone. I want to be myself. I can't be myself and hide behind words. I can't be myself and just ignore the details about who I'm talking to. I want to talk to that person too. I don't want to talk to their walls. I want them. Life is too short to simply dilly-dally with word play.
Our ability to connect with someone, to love them, has been hindered by our understands of what it means to do those things. I've been in a relationship where the love was purely superficial (and got cheated on). I know what that looks like. It looks like a lot of relationships. I see people rushing into relationships, getting married after knowing that person eight months, and I wonder if they really love that person, or just the idea of them.
In all honesty, I'm scared of the people around me.
Dealing with superficial "I love you's" and getting burned by it is a hurtful and horrible thing. It's one of the most destructive things to hear someone who says "I love you" say "I don't care" or "I don't love you" anymore. I don't think someone gets that option, to just opt-out of a promise like that.
I detest everything that is pretentious and superficial.
Be real or go home. If you aren't going to be real, I don't have time on the Earth for fakes.
It's scary because I hear "I love you" tossed around to much, and it feels so common that the meaning has been dispensed of. I started switching to less common phrases like "You matter to me" or "I appreciate you." If you hear those, you're special to me. I absolutely hate it when I'm talking to someone I care about, and on the surface, they seem to too, and then they really don't. It's the easiest way to tear me in half, and it's happened so much. I don't know what to do.
I really do love everyone, but not everyone loves back. Frankly, this leaves me open for plenty of abuse and having to sit through that and just take it over and over is very hard and very hurtful. It is maybe the hardest task of my entire life.
I still don't know what to do when people hurt or betray me. It's hard to continue to love them as they're tearing you to pieces.
I totally agree. I don't know what to do when people hurt or betray me. It's so bad that the thinking of having a closed heart where I don't care what's going on appeal so greatly to me as of now.
I really do love everyone, but not everyone loves back. Frankly, this leaves me open for plenty of abuse and having to sit through that and just take it over and over is very hard and very hurtful. It is maybe the hardest task of my entire life.
Again, totally agreed. You have no idea how many times I've been used as a useful pawn and then be discarded/excluded/ill-treated afterwards. This, to me, is considered as one of the worst abuses. Because, this messes with emotional side, mental side and spiritual side. This forces myself into the hiding even more. Why? Because I was already out of my comfort zone (by trying to be social while what I only desire is 1 or 2 close BFF) and I've been burnt badly. I can feel it that I am starting to close my heart. This, doesn't really sit well with me, but it is happening. I fear not being able to be sympathetic, caring and... loving once I close my heart completely. It's just not who I am but once I do, it might become a creed or part of who I am completely because once I internalize and integrate, it's going to stay for a long time or until somehow it gets 'updated' (highly unlikely but it is still possible). At the same time, I know this is not how I should react. So, it is a constant conflict inside my mind. I consciously try not to let this happen but whenever such abuses take place, it's hard not to and frankly, it gains a lot of ground. It's always one step ahead of my conscious effort. This, is why it's very hard for me, probably one of the things that I will wrestle with for my entire life. If this didn't mess with emotional, spiritual and mental sides, I don't think it would be as much of a problem as it is right now. This thing absolutely destroyed everything that has to do with loving others. Who knows, I might recover, but I do not think it will be anytime soon.
It's scary because I hear "I love you" tossed around to much, and it feels so common that the meaning has been dispensed of. I started switching to less common phrases like "You matter to me" or "I appreciate you." If you hear those, you're special to me. I absolutely hate it when I'm talking to someone I care about, and on the surface, they seem to too, and then they really don't. It's the easiest way to tear me in half, and it's happened so much. I don't know what to do.
I also absolutely hate it when that happens. It's more like this, I invest lots of time and energy, trying to form a deep bond with the person, it gets to the point where I feel like we care about each other very well. Only to realize in the last minute that they don't, because over time, evidences pile up against their case of 'yeah, I care for you'. Which is when this question comes into play for me: "Do we care about our friends enough to ask them what matters most? To share values?" May be in a different form because this question can take a lot of different form. Whenever that realization of shallowness happens, it just absolutely kills me. It just makes me whimper and I suffer from real heart pain when such happens. I used to cry secretly when that happened. Because, I don't even know what to do anymore. I've been trying real hard at trying to remedy the problem. I've approached people different, tried to change myself and etc. But in the end, this happens time and time again. Leaving me with no options and feelings of hopelessness. It always makes me wonder if it's me in the fault or it is something else. Probably both. In my case, this scare is making me develop (or already has developed) Avoidant Personality Disorder. It just sucks. It is terrible. This scare is absolutely effective. May be it's even more so effective because I was out of my comfort zone already (introvert and shy, so me meeting people already is out of my element).
I also find myself using less and less words that are/can be used in place of 'love' while at it. When I hear someone say 'I love you', I still expect it to be a committed one because that's what I know as definition, love is a commitment. Very serious one at that. It's not reserved only for couples. I think David and Jonathan in the Bible show that. Jonathan loves David to the point of risking his life by disobeying the mad king, Saul, to save his beloved friend. That to me, indicates a very serious commitment and it nicely fits in with what Jesus and many other New Testament writers have to say about the matter of love. According to Jesus and them, there's no greater love than to lay their lives down for their loved ones. This is what I seek. When I say 'I love you' that means, I am more than willing to lay my life down if that means you are going to be saved. Which makes me very easily exploitable I suppose because I am gullible by being ready to do such thing to people, not realizing the shallow depth. Who knows? But it hurts a lot when that happen. To not be like that means that I won't be myself, to be like that means I will be exploited sooner or later and then when the juice is out, I will be thrown away like a chewed gum, only for me to lament over the loss, think of the wasted time and energy that I spent on something very shallow, and feeling alone. So, I understand how it feels bro. I am very scared. This scare keeps me away and make me struggle with what I am (or little remnants of it) and makes me bitter when the scare just comes and attack me through the betrayal and the realization of shallowness. It's really hard to love.
This sums up my entire last two years of life. Getting over betrayal is like trying to forget that you have scars that you see every time you look at yourself. The event is traumatizing and utterly painful and destructive.
I may never romantically invest myself again because I fear that the harm that has been done to me has skewed my views on relationships too much. I won't commit myself because I fear that I will hurt the ones I love and that, to me, is the worst thing that I can do. I don't want to be this way. I want to just forgive and forget, but frankly, we remember hurt a lot easier than we remember the good times. It's come to the point where I know how I'm acting is wrong, but when push comes to shove regarding this topic, I don't know how to act else-wise. I cannot give out my trust like that again.
I might be in a relationship- No, I might consider being in a relationship IFF I can trust that person. Currently, there are no men I want to date, I might even pull that offer away, and I know zero women who are in my age range. Even if the opportunity presented itself, I'm too scarred to trust myself with fire.
And this post itself managed to bring some more burning to me last night. I knew that it was going to happen, and I guess it was better to pull the weed now than let it ruin the soil. I don't like thinking like this, but some people don't change for the better and sometimes there's nothing I can do about it.
It just makes me whimper and I suffer from real heart pain when such happens. I used to cry secretly when that happened. Because, I don't even know what to do anymore. I've been trying real hard at trying to remedy the problem. I've approached people different, tried to change myself and etc. But in the end, this happens time and time again. Leaving me with no options and feelings of hopelessness. It always makes me wonder if it's me in the fault or it is something else. Probably both.
Sometimes I really think things are out of our hands and that there's nothing we can do about it (to basically reiterate what I just said). We get torn up, they leave like nothing happened. With something like that, I don't think there's anything we can do besides move on. But that's the hardest part. Letting go of something that feels like it has a vicegrip on your heart is hard. It literally feels impossible.
I was going to save my post about "Love" for today because it ties directly into this topic. The story of Jonathan and David plays heavily into it.
I may never romantically invest myself again because I fear that the harm that has been done to me has skewed my views on relationships too much. I won't commit myself because I fear that I will hurt the ones I love and that, to me, is the worst thing that I can do. I don't want to be this way. I want to just forgive and forget, but frankly, we remember hurt a lot easier than we remember the good times. It's come to the point where I know how I'm acting is wrong, but when push comes to shove regarding this topic, I don't know how to act else-wise. I cannot give out my trust like that again.
I might be in a relationship- No, I might consider being in a relationship IFF I can trust that person. Currently, there are no men I want to date, I might even pull that offer away, and I know zero women who are in my age range. Even if the opportunity presented itself, I'm too scarred to trust myself with fire.
And this post itself managed to bring some more burning to me last night. I knew that it was going to happen, and I guess it was better to pull the weed now than let it ruin the soil. I don't like thinking like this, but some people don't change for the better and sometimes there's nothing I can do about it.
Betrayal is like that. It leaves bitter taste in mouth for so long and probably won't go away during this life time for me. Every time, something triggers me and I get replay those memories, it's just painful and I can't help but sit down and cry a little to myself.
I have not been officially romantically engaged before and still am not. Partly because I am very wary of people's two faces and other because I am not too interested in it at the moment. There have been occasions where I could have gotten romantically engaged, but things always went sour before that really happened and I end up hurt. Now, would I ever be in romantic relationship? As of now, I'd say no. I do not want it. I do not want to be hurt. I do not want to hurt anyone. I, personally think, it is the best course of action I can take for now. Reasons are:
1. I do not trust myself.
2. I do not trust people.
Sure, I've been told to forgive those people. Yes, in a way, I forgave them already, I do not hold grudge against them. That's not really in my nature. I do not hold grudge for long but the wound still remains deep. They prevent me from trusting people. Long have I been a subject to exploitation because I trust people too easily apparently. Perhaps, I have yet to master the art of true forgiveness. May be what I thought as a forgiveness isn't really forgiveness but just burying things deeply, hoping that it won't surge ever again. But, damage is already done and the wounds do not heal as fast as I thought they would. In fact, they are barely healed and they still remain as really deep cuts. Evidenced by my inability to trust, even my own family. I don't know who I can trust. This has already distorted my view so much already that I am not even willing to try to invest in any kind of relationship anymore. I agree that I probably shouldn't act this way but, as you said, I just can't. I have become a disabled.
And, yes. This post also brought me heartache and headache because this essentially brushed off where I am hurt the most and the prime reason my depression. I never discussed this with anyone before. I tried but I ended up not trusting the people (tragically, my family falls into this too) and no longer speak of it. Just aches me really bad. This entire thing.
Yep, moving on is hard. It really is. I'm still struggling with it. It feels impossible for me as well. When I try to move on, I get another heartache, generated by my attempt. I still am trying but I am almost to the point of giving up. But we will see how I fare on that regard.
I distance myself from those I love if I think I pose a threat to them. Recently, I've been thinking about the damage I may be causing to my family.
It's scary to think that I may be depressing my mother and father because I disclose so little. Imagine being forty~ish, but you feel that you don't know your children. That is heartbreaking to me.
But I have to weigh that against the grief and harm I can cause if I just flung my personality around.
I mean, I'm a freaking oddball. Everything about me is odd and abnormal.
I'm scared to think about this.
This, is what I exactly am doing at the moment. I sometimes just walk down the road and think about the damage I may/am causing to the family. When I think of this, I usually conclude that it's better for me to not get involved and distance myself to be an observer of sort. So I began distancing myself and... well, it's effect has been both good and bad.
Now, I've had those thoughts as well, it's scary and I detest myself for it. Because, I know me being distant is the main cause of the stress for my mother. To her, I do not disclose as much as I used to. I am no longer a sweet son to her. I feel bad. She thinks I hate her. But, in reality, I don't. In fact, I keep my own journal that probably won't be disclose to anyone unless I feel comfortable sharing it. When I was writing things down about my mom, I couldn't help but cry aloud. Because, I know I love her, but I am so very afraid of myself to the point of me being very distant, talk very little, avoid eye contacts and what not. Heck, I am even reluctant to say 'love' to her in person. And, the thing is, if I didn't know what kind of effect this will have on her, I would've been real fine I suppose (that's another "what if" I guess). But, I know the effect this has on my mom. I mean, how can't I not notice the effect? I want to tell her so bad the reasons why I am going to distance myself from her, but I just can't. I have no courage to do so. I feel that me telling her will cause her already weak heart to stop working. I have always been on the impression that I was a bad son and a problematic one. And me distancing away was actually my attempt at trying to keep the peace and doing less damage. But here I am, causing another set of damage. It's really hard on me as well. She has told me in multiple occasions that she does not know about me too much and that it is heartbreaking. It also is heartbreaking to me. That's why I can't help but cry or at least let my tears out so that I don't make a sound to keep it myself whenever I write a journal entry when I feel extremely upset, frustrated, and depressed. Therefore, I detest myself for distancing myself from ones I love which cause lots of grief and harm but I just feel that this is the best way for me. Perhaps this will change.
My personality, is very weird. It's like I can't even describe in words. I guess I will just borrow your terms there, "odd and abnormal", this is the reason why I caused lots of harm to people I loved and ultimately drive them away. I just try to keep myself distanced so that I won't hurt them any longer. It's just... very confusing and heartbreaking which is very scary.
Are we creating a feedback loop?
I try to think about all that I'm doing that I'm just not seeing.
I also try to do this.
And.... Maaaay be we are.