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Decisions are never simple, or easy. Not in this case.
11 years ago
I just had to do something that has been a subject of my nightmares for some time now. Decisions like this are never simple, or easy. Yet everyone who chooses to take the path of letting something so wonderful into your life must suffer the consequences of having to watch it leave your life at one point or another. Animals are so tragically short lived, yet most of the time if they are lucky they get to live long enough to be able to let you know when their time has come. I have lost dogs at birth, at ages too young to be fair, but it isn't any easier when you can comfortably say that they lived a long, loved life. Especially when you've walked with them for much of the entirety of that life. All you can do is hope that you can say that you gained things in that time in spite of the loss. Memories, lessons, love - all things of value that you can keep always.
I was 11 years old when I went down with my mom and aunt to get Handsome, a 3 year old at the time, my first Cardigan Welsh Corgi. I am always told by others that the moment he saw me he recognized me as his own, and the feeling was mutual. After we left with him, despite not knowing me from any other stranger in his life he crossed the back seat to lay his head on my lap and stayed there immobile for the entire car ride. We have been through many trials since that faithful day. Within 6 months of having him in my life he injured himself at training class - a pinch nerve that left him unable to move his back legs. I was almost faced with the reality of losing him back then. Instead we put him on steroids and pain medications and with lots of rest and hope he was fully back to normal. He wasn't ready to let me go yet.
He was my first show dog. While he did everything asked of him, he taught me early to be humble and patient. He knew exactly what he was doing, training me in many ways, and it wasn't above him to humiliate me during obedience or agility competitions with his own independent attitude and impression of disdain for the activities very clear on his features. After gaining one agility and one rally obedience title I had promised him he could retire from those shenanigans and we remained strictly in showmanship competitions until he began getting on in years. I finally relented at allowed him to retire that life as well, but I was certain that he was at the end of my lead on my last eligible showmanship competition before I aged out as well. It may have cost me a placing, having an older dog at my side as it wasn't as impressive as a flashy young dog, but I was determined to leave as I went in, with him or not at all.
Even post retirement he had to put up with me and the changes we went through in life. Puppies pulling his tail, he taught them manners in a stoic regard. Veteran competitions I would pull him out for once in a blue moon just to give him a taste of the applause (and treats) that he missed from that past life. When other dogs came into my life and left, by placement in their own loving families or their unfortunate passing that took them before him, he always remained a solid ground for me to stand in. It felt like he would always be there to put my life back in perspective with just one inquisitive look.
He had a seizure early this year, and it was like a sign to me that I needed to care for my own health and battle with seizures, and so I have been working on that in the past few months. It was a brief scare that never came about again, and even the other day I noted to myself how well he was doing for his age. Until yesterday when I came home from work and he was struggling to walk. I shrugged it off as a stiff muscle, twisted leg, or just age catching up with him in the form of a limp. He didn't respond to pain meds as he should and by this morning he was worse. I had gone to work but a couple hours in felt ill myself and decided to take an early leave. When my mom got home from taking him in to be checked out it was obvious that there was a drastic drop in his symptoms from even that morning. He could barely stand for more than a few seconds, he couldn't go outside on his own, get to the water bowl or even move around by himself without help. When offered assistance or placed in a sling to make it easier for him the stubborn old bird just looked at me in frustration and resisted even further. He was always favoring his dignity, or trying to encourage other dogs to take things more seriously. The longer I sat with him, studied him, he knew it was his time. I wasn't ready. Whenever I had to move around to get something he would still do his best to try to get up to follow me before laying back down in frustration and looking at me in that resigned gaze. He knew his state of affairs, he knew he couldn't protect me anymore. I couldn't let him continue to go on trying to please me when I knew it was no longer in his strength to do so.
On the way to the vet, I sat beside him on the back seat, and he rested his head on me the whole way there.
You opened so many doors for me, old man. Taught me things I would have struggled with on my own. You have been there for all the hard times in my life so far. Now it was my turn to help you through your hardest time. You knew what was coming and you took it in your ever stoic manner. Even at the end, you were comforting me to ensure I would be alright when it was you who would be taking that unknown journey. I loved you with all my heart, and I always will.
Handsome
7.15.00 - 9.25.14
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I'm so sorry ;o;! These things are never easy...
It'll be hard for a while; at least I know it was for me. But anytime I think about them now, I remind myself that they had a loving home and I (and my parents) did the best we could for them.