I wanted to make this journal to thank everyone that made new years so special for me, and to try and explain some of my recent feelings. I also want to apologise for being a bit distant on the first night, I was reluctant to express myself as openly as I did the rest of the week, and also angry/disappointed at myself for not having the guts to do so. Special thanks to a certain person for getting me to open up a bit. Thankfully in the middle of the night I finally decided to stop worrying so much and risk looking a bit silly.

The rest of the week was amazing, was the first time I've ever actually felt comfortable about expressing that side of myself. Prior to last week I would never have dreamed of going for a meal in 'girl mode' (best way of summing it up). A couple of times after having a shower I had second thoughts about going back to 'boy mode', because it was less silly, but realised that if I did I would probably regret it and find it hard to switch again. Spending that long full-time in 'girl mode' has really helped build my confidence, and I plan on keeping it up more when I am home.

I couldn't have felt as comfortable as I did without the support of all my friends that were here. The simple act of accepting my as I presented myself without making a fuss over it helped me relax and realise that it's nothing to worried about. The interest that people showed in certain parts of it, once I was more relaxed, made it seem more real/legit and not something to be ashamed of. I do still find it easier to open up to females, or feminine males, so I apologise if my attention was a little bit biased at times. I still find it hard to tell whether the reason for my bias towards females is jealousy, attraction, or longing for the company/acceptance of 'my own kind'.

I am hoping to build upon my new confidence, and have plans to start changing more little things in private first. This includes better 'padding' and clothes, changing to nicer fragrances, growing my hair longer, removing more of my body hair, and potentially even entering the scary world of makeup. In the long term I hope to get the confidence to wear some of this stuff in public too, probably at meets/cons first. A lot will depend upon how satisfied I can get myself with my appearance. The more I can get started before I get an appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic, the better chances I will have of knowing what I want sooner.

Overall the experiences of the past week have helped me explore my feelings around gender far deeper than I have in the past, and I have found that presenting as female felt nice, if awkward. I am hoping the latter feeling will lessen over time. However, the fact that I enjoyed the experience could be taken one of two ways:
a) Similar experiences in future would be sufficient to satisfy my urges, and there is no need to pursue any permanent changes that would make my life more difficult. This is 'good', because it means less stress/anxiety/risk, but would be potentially disappointing in terms of the limited results.
b) This is a sign that I would be happier shifting permanently to the other side, along with all the scary stuff that goes with it. A lot of the changes associated with a full transition (hormones and surgery) are actually quite exciting in terms of possibilities, but scary in terms of not having guaranteed results.

My friend who set me off on all this has provided two quite useful insights into our shared feelings on this issue. The first is that there is a difference between 'hard' and 'difficult'. The 'hard' things about transitioning are the one-way life changing things, like hormonal breast growth and surgery. However, these don't actually seem that scary. The 'difficult' part, from our view point, is presenting ourselves as female without the assistance of all that, which tends to be a pre-requisite for getting it in the first place.

The second insight was this little cartoon, which is a good way of summarising how I have felt recently: http://buttersafe.com/2012/08/16/th.....seasick-squid/
However, there is a slight difference in my case. To continue the metaphor, I feel like I have been in the sea my whole life, trying to ignore what is on the land because I know it is not meant for me. And then when my friend convinced me I have gender dysphoria (http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6345724), I stopped ignoring it. And last week was like getting onto the beach; I was standing on land, but my feet were still wet. And I fear that the further up the beach I go, the less satisfied I will be with the sea. I am hoping that my eventual appointment with the Gender Identity Clinic will help clear up a lot of this.

TL;DR In summary, a huge thanks to all the support I have received so far, I don't feel worthy of having such understanding friends and family. Most people have to go through far worse than this, with far less support.