FA+
Shop
Ever have one of those years?
10 years ago
Starts out kinda bad, but okay, cuz you're surviving, then slowly turns up and you get on your feet again slowly, and then BAM, outta left field comes a curve ball of "Ah, fuck"s and then you just can't seem to see the light?
I'm having one of those years, so far.
For those who "TL;DR" I'll just go ahead and get the "bullet points" out of the way.
January-
Lost our jobs
Had to jump through hoops to get Food stamps, worse than usual
Baby is sick every other week
Barely scraping by
Get our first ever disconnect notice on not just electricity, but net as well
February-
Still struggling a bit, but income tax returns are coming in
Pretty decent month, until I fractured my drawing wrist
Cue inactivity for a month and a half
Bills are kept up a bit better due to funds from ITR
General blah feeling like something bad is gonna happen
March
Funds dwindle but lasted over a month, so that's good
Wrist starts to get a bit better slowly and I can draw for about an hour at a time at this point
Boopa gets a job, things look a lot better
Baby gets sick, again, likely from allergies
And we were doing so good! Until a bit before Saint Patrick's Day. Come to find out, Boopa's grandma (by marriage, my grandma) has only until June, give or take a bit of time. Suffering for over a year from lung cancer that migrated and added on brain cancer, by the time even she found out, she was already at stage 4, for both. They put her through chemo and therapies, and even brain surgery to remove most of the tumors in her head. And for a while, we thought it was going to be in remission, because the tumors were getting smaller, and she was regaining hearing. But we also had that feeling that there was something wrong, that the doctors couldn't detect. Cue more seizures and bouts of forgetfulness. Bit by bit, week by week, she got worse. This is over the course of a year.. Now, at this very moment, she can't recognize who anyone is a good amount of the time, and she forgets where she is or where she's going. She's forced to be taken care of like a baby, Depends and all. Wheelchair or recliner bound most of the day, sleeping the rest. She has violent outbursts when she doesn't recognize you, and is incoherent at best when she does.
To make matters worse, her children (Boopa's aunts and uncles and mother) seem to be in a perpetual battle over who has what rights to what parts of her estate WHILE SHE'S STILL ALIVE. They waste so much more energy on FIGHTING than caring for the woman who won't be here much longer. They are so much more interested in what they will GET from her than they are in what they LOSE when she goes.
I lost both of my blood-related grandmothers when I was young. Grandma B' died when I was 6 and Grandma K' (my most favorite person in the world until my husband and daughter) died when I was 10. And now I'm going to lose a woman who was an inspiration to me in the four years I've lived here in Texas. Her attitude, her artistic abilities, her unending love...She is a beautiful woman, and it hurts so much to be around her now, BECAUSE I know who she used to be, how she was, and seeing this person who has to be spoon fed and changed like a child, it breaks my heart over and over again. I want to be there for her in the end, and I want a chance to say goodbye, but I don't think my heart can handle it. She was such a strong and independent woman, and now she can't recognize anyone a good amount of the time.
So...Since then, it's been hard for me to focus. When I can, I just hate everything I draw. I hate how it comes out, or the process. I "clear-all" the images so many times before I just force myself to settle on a pose or design that, in hindsight, WORKS, for the sake of completing an image. And my turnabout time is still crap. It was getting better, and then since the wrist fracture, it kinda dwindled... And the cherry on the top of the cake that is this abysmal year, half the people I thought were my friends, turned out to be a bunch of self-serving jack-offs. Sadly, I can't even count on a lot of my internet friends to not be the same way. For those who are curious about who it is online, don't worry about it. You'll know if you're one of the ones I can't count on. If you're not sure, you likely aren't on wrong side of me. ....Haha, listen to me, sounding all bad-ass or some shit "Wrong side of me" like what the hell am I gonna do? Rage block and troll your page? Probably the worst I could do online, jeez.
.......
............
.....
I need a Monster, a hug, and a nice hoof polish......
I'm having one of those years, so far.
For those who "TL;DR" I'll just go ahead and get the "bullet points" out of the way.
January-
Lost our jobs
Had to jump through hoops to get Food stamps, worse than usual
Baby is sick every other week
Barely scraping by
Get our first ever disconnect notice on not just electricity, but net as well
February-
Still struggling a bit, but income tax returns are coming in
Pretty decent month, until I fractured my drawing wrist
Cue inactivity for a month and a half
Bills are kept up a bit better due to funds from ITR
General blah feeling like something bad is gonna happen
March
Funds dwindle but lasted over a month, so that's good
Wrist starts to get a bit better slowly and I can draw for about an hour at a time at this point
Boopa gets a job, things look a lot better
Baby gets sick, again, likely from allergies
And we were doing so good! Until a bit before Saint Patrick's Day. Come to find out, Boopa's grandma (by marriage, my grandma) has only until June, give or take a bit of time. Suffering for over a year from lung cancer that migrated and added on brain cancer, by the time even she found out, she was already at stage 4, for both. They put her through chemo and therapies, and even brain surgery to remove most of the tumors in her head. And for a while, we thought it was going to be in remission, because the tumors were getting smaller, and she was regaining hearing. But we also had that feeling that there was something wrong, that the doctors couldn't detect. Cue more seizures and bouts of forgetfulness. Bit by bit, week by week, she got worse. This is over the course of a year.. Now, at this very moment, she can't recognize who anyone is a good amount of the time, and she forgets where she is or where she's going. She's forced to be taken care of like a baby, Depends and all. Wheelchair or recliner bound most of the day, sleeping the rest. She has violent outbursts when she doesn't recognize you, and is incoherent at best when she does.
To make matters worse, her children (Boopa's aunts and uncles and mother) seem to be in a perpetual battle over who has what rights to what parts of her estate WHILE SHE'S STILL ALIVE. They waste so much more energy on FIGHTING than caring for the woman who won't be here much longer. They are so much more interested in what they will GET from her than they are in what they LOSE when she goes.
I lost both of my blood-related grandmothers when I was young. Grandma B' died when I was 6 and Grandma K' (my most favorite person in the world until my husband and daughter) died when I was 10. And now I'm going to lose a woman who was an inspiration to me in the four years I've lived here in Texas. Her attitude, her artistic abilities, her unending love...She is a beautiful woman, and it hurts so much to be around her now, BECAUSE I know who she used to be, how she was, and seeing this person who has to be spoon fed and changed like a child, it breaks my heart over and over again. I want to be there for her in the end, and I want a chance to say goodbye, but I don't think my heart can handle it. She was such a strong and independent woman, and now she can't recognize anyone a good amount of the time.
So...Since then, it's been hard for me to focus. When I can, I just hate everything I draw. I hate how it comes out, or the process. I "clear-all" the images so many times before I just force myself to settle on a pose or design that, in hindsight, WORKS, for the sake of completing an image. And my turnabout time is still crap. It was getting better, and then since the wrist fracture, it kinda dwindled... And the cherry on the top of the cake that is this abysmal year, half the people I thought were my friends, turned out to be a bunch of self-serving jack-offs. Sadly, I can't even count on a lot of my internet friends to not be the same way. For those who are curious about who it is online, don't worry about it. You'll know if you're one of the ones I can't count on. If you're not sure, you likely aren't on wrong side of me. ....Haha, listen to me, sounding all bad-ass or some shit "Wrong side of me" like what the hell am I gonna do? Rage block and troll your page? Probably the worst I could do online, jeez.
.......
............
.....
I need a Monster, a hug, and a nice hoof polish......
Throughout the whole year I have struggled with my finances
In March my uncle dies
In May my mother gets ill
In June we hear it's cancer
In July she passed away, same day we also nearly lost our dog too
In August my eldest cat passed away
End of August I deal with kidney stones and a horrible case of stress causing me to to go a shrink from there to early December
In October my dad got hospitalized due to a collapsed lung
From November to December I suffer from bad sleeping, needing pills to sleep.
Thought 2014 would be better...but Feb 2014, our dog still passed away after having a stroke.
So much death and sorrow within a year...
I hope things improve for you, I really do.
I'm so sorry for all your losses, and I hope time was gracious enough to ease most of the pain. <3
Time has been....well, difficult enough to ease the pain. The major problem was the fact that, before we could even process that she was terminally ill, her health declined so rapidly that we never had time to process it...and before we could, she was already gone. That wrecked me honestly, it took a half year to even start getting over it.
If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up with a note, I know from experience it's always good to let it out sometimes.
To be honest, I think I may have preferred it if Grandma was gone as quickly as your mother was, to see a loved one suffer for so long is enough pain in itself have to deal with, then add in the death itself. In the end, the pain we experience isn't made better or worse by the length of time it takes our loved ones to pass in these circumstances, but it is nice to think their suffering could be over so quickly instead of drawn out. It took me over a year to get over my Grandma K's death. I can't imagine how this one will be.
I appreciate that so much. I usually tend to cry alone, in the end, simply because I do not like to burden others with my troubles. In the instances as this, where I post a public journal, I just needed to get it out of my chest and on to something tangible, to put my thoughts down somewhere and hopefully ease the train wrecks occurring throughout my brain. I will keep you in mind if I need to talk though, honest efforts like yours are enough to keep me in hope for the world.
And you are very welcome, suffering from chronic depression, I know what you mean that you do not like to burden others or only post things like this once in a while. I'm very much like that too, but I know very well how valuable it is to talk with people. <3
Talk about rough, man. I thought I was having issues just this month with school work making my head spin.
All I can offer really is an ear and an eye. If you ever feel like you need to vent, or talk to someone you let me know. I'm sure you have plenty of people for that but the offer stands.
Other than that... I'm fairly limited to watching helplessly and hoping/praying things simply get better.
School work is hard in its own right, and I know many more people have it worse than I do right now. I'm sure there is someone somewhere who could trump me and I would feel small and insignificant with my problems. At least I have a roof over my head, ya know?
And those "plenty of people" actually happens to only be a small amount compared to when I first joined. Hell, half the people I used to talk to just kinda...up and vanished on me. And slowly it's dwindled. I still have a few friends I can turn to, but IRL, I really only have my husband, my roommate, and my daughter. Hell...Monkey gives me HUGS when she sees Mommy crying. She'll crawl her little way over to me, tug on my skirt or chair if I'm wearing pants, and whimper to be picked up. Pick her up and it's her arms on either side of my chest and her head in between. Sometimes she'll cry with me. But just having people I can turn to online is a blessing in itself.