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What happened
10 years ago
Hello everyone,
I don't know if it's said where you live, but there's a phrase we use a fair bit in the UK : “Cliches are cliches because, sometimes, they're true.” It's not said frequently, or even regularly, but we say it with the same resignation with which we (notoriously) talk about the weather.
So when I say, “This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write.” I know it's a cliché. But it's true... which is awkward in itself. It had to be written. It needed to be posted. But it's not exactly short, or as polished as it could be.
So, it seemed sensible to sum it up in a TLDR, for those who want one. The gist of it, in a paragraph.
*********************
This is the TLDR :
I have been sick. Very, very sick. I have missed you all and the kind words I've received have been an amazing and very important part of my recovery. Please know that I am truly sorry for being gone so long, but I'm not asking for forgiveness. You don't owe me that. I owe you, as a fan who Watches me, who supports me and (hopefully) as one of the amazing people who lets me spend more time drawing than I ever thought I could. What I owe you is some art worth the wait. I hope to give you that. Thank you for sticking with me.
End of the TLDR.
**********************
So... some of you are still here. Okay. Thanks all. Looks like we're doing this...
This is for those of you who have stuck with me, enough that you're actually reading this, and are curious. But it's also for those of you who want and deserve explanations.
It's also for those of you who are wondering if I am actually, and reliably “back.” Of course, actions speak louder than words, so over the next few months I'll just get on with proving that I'm back ;) But after a long time of trying to work out how to explain, I was reminded that the best way to explain is just sit down, and explain
But it's also a little bit for me, because I'm so sorry about what happened and I loathe the thought of being one of those 'vanishing artists'.
This isn't not normally my way; I tend to keep my problems to myself. But, in this case, the only way to apologise, is to explain what I'm apologising for.
What happened ?
In November 2013, I went into organ failure. We... didn't know this at the time.
Since March 2013, my health had been declining. But there were always tidy explanations for it – The house I lived in was full of mould, so of course I was struggling to breathe. The sewers in my garden exploded, so naturally I was very sick. I'd been having heart problems for years, so obviously it was just an age-thing. My hands had been shaking for years, so it was just a sad inevitability that I could no longer hold a pencil properly.
The list goes on …. My mother has migraines, so I'd just hit that age where I inherited them. I have a high metabolism, so that was why I looked like a skeleton. I'm quite active, so that's why I needed 5 meals a day. I had minor strokes (TIAs) but those aren't critical at my age. My hair and eyebrows were falling out. I couldn't sleep, had no energy, was sick all the time, but I used to suffer from Depression so clearly I was just having a bad bout of that.
I don't mention these details because I want sympathy, or to somehow indulge in how rotten it was. I've already had more support from you guys than I ever expected, and I love you for it. And there are people out there who have had it far, far worse. I've met a few. I know how lucky I am.
So why go into it ?
I mention it, because at each stage, I posted journals explaining that I was, in fact, fine. I said that there were bad circumstances. I asked people to bear with me. But it was all good and what-ho, I'd be back momentarily.
I was not fine.
I was not back momentarily.
And that's my biggest regret of the whole treatment; we never knew how serious it was, even at each stage, even after I'd been diagnosed and treatment began. We never had the chance to prepare properly, or put a plan in place. There were times, looking back, where I should have just 'stepped out' clean and clear, for a year. I know many people would have appreciated that more than me endlessly trying to 'come back'.
All I can say is, if I knew then what I know now, there are so many things I'd do differently. But the long and short of it is that – although I couldn't have managed it much better - I could have managed it better than I did. And, for that, I'm sorry.
But I digress.
What was it ?
Short story is that in January 2014, I was diagnosed. Urgent treatment began the same day. The jist, skipping all the lovely complications, was that my metabolism had been extremely over-active for so long that my organs were finally shutting down under the strain. With a resting pulse double the normal, and lacking any body fat whatsoever despite 5 meals a day, my body was cannibalising itself to keep going.
Even though the treatment stopped the condition by June 2014, the damage had been severe and my progress was completely unpredictable. I was prone to relapse, unable to even go food shopping without needing a day to recover.
And yes, through this all I was convinced that I would come back to work any day now. Looking back, I can see how daft that was.
There was significant chaos in my life while I was under treatment – from arson attempts on my flatto criminal damage and violence. I wrote off a lot of my difficulties as 'just dealing with that'.
I even attended Confuzzled in May, which was wonderful. Three days of wonderful folks. I didn't care that I was convinced that my legs existed three feet to the left of my body for the duration (not kidding) – I was “well at last!”
I spent the next month in bed. All the while thinking, “Yes! This is it ! I'm back !” whilst sketching once every two days from my pillow.
Absolutely daft.
But, it was also a symptom; my neurone synthesis (ability to create new memories, and process thoughts) had been severely damaged and retarded. I was quite literally suffering from brain damage.
Over the next year, until February 2015, the treatment was a cycle of progress and relapse, and my body recovered.
So...Are you actually 'back' now, or what ?
I am back.
I will be keeping my workload light, to start with. But the whole point of this journal is to describe what happened, and hopefully answer some questions as to why *this* return is different to the last two or three.
The relapses are over. I have been clear for 3 months. This is it. My test results are perfect. My body is getting stronger. Whilst writing this journal is hard, it's no longer impossible. Whilst my body has been through heck, it's come out the other side.
I have waited for the next relapse to hit, and it hasn't. I am weak, but I am in the clear.
I am back
And I've missed you :)
Does this thing have a conclusion ?
It does.
To those of you who read this awkward mash of words because you wanted to know : Thank you. There's a lot of art incoming, which I hope will make the wait worth it.
To those of you who read because you felt you deserved an explanation : I hope this has given you that. If it felt like I was making excuses, I didn't intend it to – I just wanted to be sure I explained as clearly (and hopefully briefly) as possible. There aren't meant to be any excuses here – only facts, learning experiences, and apologies.
To everyone; I'm sorry for disappearing. And I'm sorry for being unpredictable in my return. But hopefully this has shed some light on why.
The real point of this journal is that it had to be written. It had to be posted. There was no way to 'move on' with the unknown spectre hanging over. There's no way for my apology to mean as much as it's intended to without context.
I'm sorry for being unreliable. I'm sorry for those of you who have been waiting, uncertain. I'm sorry that it happened. I'm sorry that there wasn't more communication.
Of course, I can't meaningfully apologise for being ill. But I can promise that I've learned from the experience, and things are now in place to ensure that everything runs more smoothly if anything like this happened again. The same thing... well... that physically can't happen again. But I can promise that something like it won't go the same way. No one knows what the future holds, but I feel I'm now better prepared for how bad it could get.
This is me moving forward, leaving the last year of medical hell behind. I hope you're looking forward too.
Whatever is going on in your lives, I hope the journey is always worth it.
Thank you for reading. Seriously. Thank you.
Now, how 'bout I post some arts :)
I don't know if it's said where you live, but there's a phrase we use a fair bit in the UK : “Cliches are cliches because, sometimes, they're true.” It's not said frequently, or even regularly, but we say it with the same resignation with which we (notoriously) talk about the weather.
So when I say, “This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write.” I know it's a cliché. But it's true... which is awkward in itself. It had to be written. It needed to be posted. But it's not exactly short, or as polished as it could be.
So, it seemed sensible to sum it up in a TLDR, for those who want one. The gist of it, in a paragraph.
*********************
This is the TLDR :
I have been sick. Very, very sick. I have missed you all and the kind words I've received have been an amazing and very important part of my recovery. Please know that I am truly sorry for being gone so long, but I'm not asking for forgiveness. You don't owe me that. I owe you, as a fan who Watches me, who supports me and (hopefully) as one of the amazing people who lets me spend more time drawing than I ever thought I could. What I owe you is some art worth the wait. I hope to give you that. Thank you for sticking with me.
End of the TLDR.
**********************
So... some of you are still here. Okay. Thanks all. Looks like we're doing this...
This is for those of you who have stuck with me, enough that you're actually reading this, and are curious. But it's also for those of you who want and deserve explanations.
It's also for those of you who are wondering if I am actually, and reliably “back.” Of course, actions speak louder than words, so over the next few months I'll just get on with proving that I'm back ;) But after a long time of trying to work out how to explain, I was reminded that the best way to explain is just sit down, and explain
But it's also a little bit for me, because I'm so sorry about what happened and I loathe the thought of being one of those 'vanishing artists'.
This isn't not normally my way; I tend to keep my problems to myself. But, in this case, the only way to apologise, is to explain what I'm apologising for.
What happened ?
In November 2013, I went into organ failure. We... didn't know this at the time.
Since March 2013, my health had been declining. But there were always tidy explanations for it – The house I lived in was full of mould, so of course I was struggling to breathe. The sewers in my garden exploded, so naturally I was very sick. I'd been having heart problems for years, so obviously it was just an age-thing. My hands had been shaking for years, so it was just a sad inevitability that I could no longer hold a pencil properly.
The list goes on …. My mother has migraines, so I'd just hit that age where I inherited them. I have a high metabolism, so that was why I looked like a skeleton. I'm quite active, so that's why I needed 5 meals a day. I had minor strokes (TIAs) but those aren't critical at my age. My hair and eyebrows were falling out. I couldn't sleep, had no energy, was sick all the time, but I used to suffer from Depression so clearly I was just having a bad bout of that.
I don't mention these details because I want sympathy, or to somehow indulge in how rotten it was. I've already had more support from you guys than I ever expected, and I love you for it. And there are people out there who have had it far, far worse. I've met a few. I know how lucky I am.
So why go into it ?
I mention it, because at each stage, I posted journals explaining that I was, in fact, fine. I said that there were bad circumstances. I asked people to bear with me. But it was all good and what-ho, I'd be back momentarily.
I was not fine.
I was not back momentarily.
And that's my biggest regret of the whole treatment; we never knew how serious it was, even at each stage, even after I'd been diagnosed and treatment began. We never had the chance to prepare properly, or put a plan in place. There were times, looking back, where I should have just 'stepped out' clean and clear, for a year. I know many people would have appreciated that more than me endlessly trying to 'come back'.
All I can say is, if I knew then what I know now, there are so many things I'd do differently. But the long and short of it is that – although I couldn't have managed it much better - I could have managed it better than I did. And, for that, I'm sorry.
But I digress.
What was it ?
Short story is that in January 2014, I was diagnosed. Urgent treatment began the same day. The jist, skipping all the lovely complications, was that my metabolism had been extremely over-active for so long that my organs were finally shutting down under the strain. With a resting pulse double the normal, and lacking any body fat whatsoever despite 5 meals a day, my body was cannibalising itself to keep going.
Even though the treatment stopped the condition by June 2014, the damage had been severe and my progress was completely unpredictable. I was prone to relapse, unable to even go food shopping without needing a day to recover.
And yes, through this all I was convinced that I would come back to work any day now. Looking back, I can see how daft that was.
There was significant chaos in my life while I was under treatment – from arson attempts on my flatto criminal damage and violence. I wrote off a lot of my difficulties as 'just dealing with that'.
I even attended Confuzzled in May, which was wonderful. Three days of wonderful folks. I didn't care that I was convinced that my legs existed three feet to the left of my body for the duration (not kidding) – I was “well at last!”
I spent the next month in bed. All the while thinking, “Yes! This is it ! I'm back !” whilst sketching once every two days from my pillow.
Absolutely daft.
But, it was also a symptom; my neurone synthesis (ability to create new memories, and process thoughts) had been severely damaged and retarded. I was quite literally suffering from brain damage.
Over the next year, until February 2015, the treatment was a cycle of progress and relapse, and my body recovered.
So...Are you actually 'back' now, or what ?
I am back.
I will be keeping my workload light, to start with. But the whole point of this journal is to describe what happened, and hopefully answer some questions as to why *this* return is different to the last two or three.
The relapses are over. I have been clear for 3 months. This is it. My test results are perfect. My body is getting stronger. Whilst writing this journal is hard, it's no longer impossible. Whilst my body has been through heck, it's come out the other side.
I have waited for the next relapse to hit, and it hasn't. I am weak, but I am in the clear.
I am back
And I've missed you :)
Does this thing have a conclusion ?
It does.
To those of you who read this awkward mash of words because you wanted to know : Thank you. There's a lot of art incoming, which I hope will make the wait worth it.
To those of you who read because you felt you deserved an explanation : I hope this has given you that. If it felt like I was making excuses, I didn't intend it to – I just wanted to be sure I explained as clearly (and hopefully briefly) as possible. There aren't meant to be any excuses here – only facts, learning experiences, and apologies.
To everyone; I'm sorry for disappearing. And I'm sorry for being unpredictable in my return. But hopefully this has shed some light on why.
The real point of this journal is that it had to be written. It had to be posted. There was no way to 'move on' with the unknown spectre hanging over. There's no way for my apology to mean as much as it's intended to without context.
I'm sorry for being unreliable. I'm sorry for those of you who have been waiting, uncertain. I'm sorry that it happened. I'm sorry that there wasn't more communication.
Of course, I can't meaningfully apologise for being ill. But I can promise that I've learned from the experience, and things are now in place to ensure that everything runs more smoothly if anything like this happened again. The same thing... well... that physically can't happen again. But I can promise that something like it won't go the same way. No one knows what the future holds, but I feel I'm now better prepared for how bad it could get.
This is me moving forward, leaving the last year of medical hell behind. I hope you're looking forward too.
Whatever is going on in your lives, I hope the journey is always worth it.
Thank you for reading. Seriously. Thank you.
Now, how 'bout I post some arts :)
That's an appalling, shitty living nightmare of a thing to live through, but such things often seem to make people bounce back stronger, braver and more optimistic. I hope that's true for you, because you deserve it.
Hope to see you at ConFuzzled, either this year if you're coming or further in the future.
Yup. I'll be at Confuzzled :3 I'm curious if the difference will be noticeable... but mostly, I actually expect to make it to STUFF this time XD Which will be awesome.
Take care of yourself, we'll be waiting patiently!
And mission accepted on the getting well *salutes* ;)
:) Thanks Wolphin.
May the sun always shine on your face
May the wind always be at your back
May the rains fall lightly on your fields
May the road rise to meet you
And may God always hold you in the palm of his hand.
If you do make it to CFz, I hope to say hello.
I'm curious - Are you a medical fur, a fellow special... or just well read ? :)
Sadly, I graduated into a recession where doctors were competing for entry-level positions and I can't afford to move even if I got a job offer out of town, so I'm trying to pivot my career into network security. Or maybe, inventing things for profit. :p That said, I've recently found out that I'm slightly hypothyroid, so I've done a fair chunk of reading on the topic.
glad to hear you've got the thyroid thing under control. I had a friend who suffered from that; he was dead lucky because cheap drugs halted his disease perhaps only months before he got thyroid cancer. Let me make explicit something only implied by what I already said - I'm glad you're still alive. :/
PS: I love the TF clinic stuff you do. It's some of the only TF fiction that doesn't break my suspension of disbelief.
Can't remember if I gave you my 'reallife' story today while commissioning some art... but I have a cardiac monitor...