....if anybodys reading this (i would be amazed o.o), please let me premise: i dont even need or expect a response, so reaching out a helping paw would be stupid and embarrassing at this point i just need to put this out there.

i,m feeling soo fucked up and down lately, and its crazy.....once upon a time, when i entered the furry scene, i had a ton of friends - a ton of people who could be counted on - would be there for me, listen to me, say they loved me, roleplay snuggling/nuzzling, giving me hugs and scitchings and all that frosting...right now, i have like....a couple people (not furries: i have zero of them) who i barely trust. any time they hit a snag, i immediately say "how can i help? what can i do? should i come over? wanna cme over here? wanna meet me for coffee, i dont care that i havent slept in a week and i was about to go to bed, ill sit and listen to all your bullshit for countless hours, not a fucking problem...my time is unlimited!" anything and everything. when im feeling so blue i wanna off myself, i dont subtly cry for help, or try to overdose on asprin or tylenol. i cry "HELPPP!!!" in the loudest voice possible to anyone who i think might care, or i just check myself into a fucking hospital, because i know im capable of some crazy shit when i go on a crash and burn. even people i was just there for yesterday dont want to listen to me, be with me...nothin. i get vague pity and sympathy (which is not whayt i ask for), empty promises and indifference. i am such a bleeding heart i do fucking everything for everyone, random strangers who are going through it...i give them money to get on the bus when they dont have it, i buy them a beer, a hot meal...i lend an ear, i give them a place to live for months on end and dont charge them a cent....i give them my last dollar. furries, when i hear a plea for help/attention, even a subtle one, even vent art from 6 months ago....i message them and tell them "i am here for whatever/whenever...if you message me, i will get back to you within hours because i dont sleep. contact me any time of the day or night, im down to talk about anything under the sun and i can keep a secret." and theyre like "oh uhh thanks, but i have friends for that." well if you have friends, why are you trying to elicit pity from everyone around you? or why do you make your shit so public if you have close people who will listen to you, to boost your ego by getting 70 messages of how much youll be missed in the community, wah wahhh? .....usually when i see a message "im fucking depressed nobody likes me i wanna kill myself blah blah," i kind of expect that means they have nobody in the world to talk to, and just to clarify, thats not what im doing here. if this were a cry for help, id be crying "HELLPPPP!", trust.

im just frustrated. my best friend, i told her lately that im completely lacking physical affection and intimacy. i dont want GENUINE CONCERN FOR MY WELL BEING, or for my physical safety (i.e. harming myself), i ask this girl to come snuggle with me and hold me and pet me and tell me everything is alright cuz im adfraid to go to sleep (which ive done for her a thousand times), instead, she promises "of course baby im always here for you, ill be right over!", and then comes over and bitches to me about her ex-boyfriend for endless hours and then tells me she has to leave. x.x umm where did my DESPERATE NEED get lost in the shuffle? O_o

now, id maybe get some different/better friends, but where? if there are some people like me out there: true and loyal friends willing to do whatever to comfort and nurture their loved ones, i cant fucking find them. maybe im looking in the wrong place?

i try to find some of that online, in the fandom. it has worked for me before: ive made some amazing friends here amd on IRC, FurFright, and i felt like maybe if i got back into the fandom again, i could count on these people id been talking to online for years, gone to their house, fucked them....or not. but i figured i could start up again easiky enough and make some different friends and id be better for it, as well as those i give my affection to. heh, no. example: one of my "friends", someone i cared about and i thought cared about me too.....known him for at least 6 or 7 years...after my wife left me, i was seriously depressed and just wanted to end it. vi reached out, said "hey dude, long time no see, how has everything been going for you?" he said he was good, moved a bit away....i told him what was wrong, and he was like :O "dude, thats terrible....im going to come pick you up and take you to my house and keep you for like a week....i know a bunch of cool people, well trip, well have a grand time and you can take your mind off your troubles." i was excited, i wanted to go. buttt he never showed up or called. ;-; ...i called him a ton of times, he didnt answer my calls for a while. since then its been knida "hey, sup dude? hows life?" "really shitty." "oh, that sucks." .....and thats it. thanks for nothing motherfucker.

i look at these REALLY SHITTY furs who get gift art all the time, and are like "hay thx but you forgot the butterfly tattoo on my butt." really? o.o ive never gotten just a "SURPRISE!!" gift like that, its always been like, in casual conversation that i need to get more art, then it was offered, and then they worked on and id get it a week later or something (not that im ungrateful, it was reallyyy nice of them to do that<3). and tnats happened...twice in my ten or twelve year tenure as a fuzzy. nobody ever just sprung a piece on me cuz i was feeling down. im white hot with envy at people who are loved for themselves, even tho theyre really shitty people. how do they manage it? >.<!! LET ME BE VERY CLEAR:if someone gives me a surprise gift in response to this pity party, i will be really mad. im not whining that i dont get enough presents or that art will even necessarily make me feel better, i just wish i had people that thought about me. out of nowhere. just because. and wondered how im doing. and showed their affection *somehow* other than "hay that sux man. id help if i could but...i wont." i would love to feel special just for a day, instead of meerly "im just here occupying space.", or worse completely invalidated. birthdays are a good example. i dont get cards, nobody calls me.....i have a mommy and daddy who are nice, cordial kinda, but usually it ends up with them picking a fight with me for no real reason. i wont post my burthday publicly cuz i know nobodys gonna say "hi," or give me a gift, and thats gonna make me feel like fucking garbage. my wifes been giving me a lot of attention lately, but thats because shes miserable and alone...and SHE fucked it up permanently between us, so that kind of attention is selfish and detrimental to me having any semblance of stability.....it just confuses me more. x.x she tells me how beautiful i am, and how much she misses and lovess me, and how much she regrets calling the police on me and accusing me of raping her and beating her, when i was away at fucking rehab at the time and had a solid alibi where i was and wouldnt have done that bulshit anyway, she just wanted to put me in jail because she was mad at me and wanted to see me burnnn....but i got falsely arrested for that nonetheless, and had to prove my innovense. wht if i wasnt away at rehab; what if i didnt have an alibi? i would still be in jail right now!! that doesnt make me feel loved - it makes me feel like a commodity, a piece of meat. fucking rotten meat, bought and sold, and now im back on the open market because "shes lonelyyy," and im a sucker. fuckk that.

im just so tired. id love to just check out right now, butt i have a warped sense of guilt that the people ive been begging for help and hvent been particularly helpful when i needed them might feel guilty that they werent particularly helpful when i needed them. guilty that they werent there for me and didnt help me when i asked, or didnt help when they had the chance. even though they werent there and didnt help (or at best only barely helped). isnt that fucked up?? ive been openly telling people im spending a lot (a lot a lot o.o) of time on a site called "lost all hope", a website giving you pointers on ways to kill one self (if one were so inclined, which im not [necessarily]), and theyre just like "noo, you probably shouldnt do that, then id be alone!" or "i need you too much" or "you cant be that selfish, you cant do that to me or your "loved ones" me selfish? thats fucking selfishness in its purist form.......or the best argument yet "...but then youd be dead and that would be bad." HAH!! ive even got one like....god...friend, who says "wah wah, if you killed yourself you couldnt get into heaven." :( boo fucking hoo, i dont wanna go there anyway.

i dont think theres anything more to say. if you read this, thanks for listening. FOR THE RECORD i am in no danger of hurting myself....but im worried i might do something incredibly stupid, like dare some bugged out meth head to shoot me. hah well then id have nothing to worry about anymore would i? ;p problem solved.

edit: let me be PERFECTLY CLEAR: i am not in danger of hurting myself or anyone else. theres a difference between having a deathwish and being suicidal. suicidal implies you want to/intend to take steps to off yourself....having a deathwish is kinda normal for a lot of us, i think o.o lets just say, if a stray bullet happens to fund me or a bolt of lightning strikes me down.....well, id be alright with that.

DISCLAIMER: this is a work of fiction. events and places and people have been changed for creative purposes. >.>;;; ...mmhmmm.