Continued from Part I, just in case you weren't sensing a pattern of some sort.

Sunday:
Thanks to the baffling level of responsibility displayed by my roommates, one I would’ve been overjoyed to be a part of any other time, we all got ourselves around relatively early that day, and I was back out into the world by 10 AM. I knew that this was far too early to start pestering Arc about the day’s big project and there wasn’t much going on in the common areas, so I headed down to see the Funday Pawpet show. I’d never had an affinity for puppets before, but Lion King has always been very insistent that the show is absolutely worth seeing, so I went for it. It was about what I expected, in some ways. Rather poorly attended because some idiot had scheduled it at 10 AM on Sunday, a time that most attendees are unfamiliar with because they are still dead then, but still had some good energy and was pretty entertaining. We got a visit from the upper echelons of house Kage though, which was pretty cool, and their presence didn’t go unnoticed. It was certainly quite an experience to watch a very animated German Shepherd puppet pester Grandma Kage with questions, to which she had only the most charming and folksy of answers. Altogether an entirely worthwhile experience.

Afterwards, I managed to confirm both that Impy was in the Artist’s Alley, and thus temporarily chained down to a particular location, and that Archai was still alive, capable of useful consciousness, and willing to let me lightsaber open his caribou so I could crawl inside and keep warm, insert some joke about smelling bad on the outside, et al. So I got suitably caribou’d and headed out into this big bad world of ours. Now, those of you who read about the last time I used my wondertwin powers to activate the form of a caribou will remember that I did my usual bouncing-off-the-ceiling near-light-speed cocaine bender that I typically do in suit. Partly because that was the only speed I had and partly because HOOVES YOU GUYS, FUCKING SERIOUSLY HOOVES ARE JUST THE GREATEST GODDAMN THING. Anyways, I wanted to try out something new with this outing. It was somewhat at Archai’s urging, I think because he was quite rightly concerned for my health, and partly because in the interim I’d seen the way he plays Jake Caribou. It’s definitely a much more low-key personality. Sort of a chest-out swagger kind of deal with a “Really, this shit again?” attitude and of course with a cartoonish Minnesooota accent. I actually have a pretty good lanky swagger still from the days when I had to wear bigass combat boots that weighed as much as cinder blocks, so it started to look somewhat achievable. I decided to swing for that kind of performance, and apart from moving his heritage to Ireland I think I pulled it off pretty well. We discussed it a bit on our journey, and I think I’d be best suited by quoting Jake directly as he explains.

“Ya see the ‘ting I find nao deese days is that it ‘ent jest a matter ah bein’ on er off eh? There’s ah greedient all along dere in the middle yah? That’s whear ya wanna be fer sommo’ dat magic tah happ’n. Yenno, keep’n moovin it around real smuuth like eh? Just teekin in deh feel of the room and whatnot dere, try’n teh match yer sooroundins wit de way yeh moove an’ be jyratin’ all about an such like, if’n the scenurryo calls fer it, yah?”

If you’re not certain what Jake was saying then you’re not alone. I feel like I lost track of it myself at times, but it really seemed to work from a characterization perspective. I also noticed some things once I actually found myself occasionally standing still and looking around a little. Like when I saw myself in the mirror I couldn’t help but be struck by “Well wouldja lookit dis handsome stranger over here eh?” I really felt that in the moment, and just like that “Would everyone just look at this goddamn majestic son of a bitch over here?” became a part of the character. I couldn’t help it, really. I was just dripping with hardy, natural magnificence and I couldn’t help but share it with everyone. The craziest thing about that though? People fucking loved that! Once I got out of the subdued start that I had and really started laying it on thick everybody thought it was just the greatest thing. I was pulling a bit from the Kage school of conversation. Basically that you should never answer a question with just “yes” or “no”. You should always get at least a sentence out, and a segue into talking about something more is even better. Here’s a sampling:

“Oh why of course ya ken have a phootoo! Make sure ya ghet my good side here.” *snap* “Alright now make sure yah get my other good side like such there.” *snap* “Oh well would ya look at that I jest got good sides on all my sides now don’t I eh?”
“Ya want a picture o’ jest my hooves, eh? Well that’s jest fine, these are my pride and joy right here don’tcha know? Could cut a diamond with these bad boys I tellya. Ya know ya could get a picture ah all o’me too eh? I don’t charge by acreage yehsee? But yah kno mebbe I should eh? I betcha I could fetch a pretty penny for a square foot o’this wouldn’tcha say?”
“Yenno I hope none o’ my admirers here catch me checkin’ out the art show later. They’ve got rules dere about takin’ pictures of the works o’art eh? Wouldn’t wannem gettin’ in trouble fer takin’ a snapshot ah me now would I? Gotta keep this work ah art out in the open where’n folks can appreciate all this rustic natural buety eh?”
“A photo eh? Why of course I’d be happy to oblige there young lady now what can I do ya fer? Handsome and regal or regal and handsome? … Handsome and regal then? Good choice! I’ll letcha see regal and handsome first tho’. Wouln’t wantcha makin’ an uninformed decision there eh?”

I never would’ve guessed it but people just lit up when I started clowning around like that. Even the little kids that were in the lobby. I’d never had terribly good luck with kids and yet I somehow became super approachable once I started spending the whole time bellowing about my unparalleled dazzling radiance. It’s a true testament to the power of fursuiting that it can make being a conceited, narcissistic cockwad into the most adorable goddamn thing you’ve seen all day. Hell, being a caribou somehow made that far more likable than actually being nice to people! If it weren’t for the fact that I would literally die I could just wear a fursuit all the time and never have to be humble again!

In any case, in the course of all that I did pull off my impossible mission. Since I hadn’t discussed this with her, I was worried that Impy would still be nervous about it. Once she saw my badge and my dulcet tones came across her table with “Yeno I heard frum a good friend ah mine that you were lookin’ teh hug a fursootah.” She came right around and wrapped her arms around me. I can say without a doubt that “Oh God it’s so soft this is the best!” is the greatest feedback I ever could’ve asked for. One of a hundred things that made the effort all very much worth it, to be sure. Apparently random passersby weren’t the only ones impressed by my display. Archai was forced to ask “So, you still don’t have a suit then? Because you’re just- I mean, goddamn!” I did confirm later he was trying to say that I’m just too goddamn good at this to not own a suit. Flattering, and I’ll certainly take it under advisement in the future. That adventure did have to end, though for once it was for time reasons and not because my vitals were tanking. Being sociable and engaged with voice and gestures instead of high-flying acrobatics is far less straining, it turns out, and left me still rather functional at the end of it all. Which was quite fortunate, as I had work to do.

We went and grabbed a quick gyro across the street and I headed into the Dealer’s Den to do my time at the Furthe’more booth. When I was planning all this out, the idea of missing hours out of the convention to sit in a chair and sell stuff was unthinkable, even inhumane. It actually wasn’t so bad though. I got to hang out and chat with Dragoneer, who is very much not the unrepentantly vicious demonspawn that some big chunks of the internet seem to think he is. And also there was the simply lovely fact that people would walk by and I could just summon them over to me so that we could chat a bit too. It was a very relaxing time at a point wherein relaxation was in rather short supply. I’ll have to get into this kind of thing more in the future. Allegedly you can get a free con badge out of it if you actually put in the admin on seeing this all through properly. Doing so might even net me the dealer’s badge that I’d need to actually properly do the job. It was kind of funny, after we had finished cleaning up when the den closed, Indigo said “Oh, better not let them see you don’t have a dealer badge.” On the way out. And I was just kind of like “We’re going through the exit. What are they gonna do? Ask me to leave?” Yeah, that’s right. I’m a stone-cold renegade with naught but scorn for your rules. Now excuse me while I wheelie out of this place on my sick chopper.

After that I dropped by the lobby to see what, if anything, was up. I caught up with Sparf a bit there, amazed that I’d managed to go the whole con without seeing him, and after that I figured I’d drop in on the closing ceremonies as they were literally the only thing going on, and also, oddly enough, the last thing going on. We certainly had a hell of a lot of really impressive achievements to review there. It’s wonderful to see everything going so well. Kinda sad to see it all end, as always, but Kage put it quite well. After asking for a show of hands as to who would like the convention to be longer, he started pointing to the people with their hands up and shouting “Aha! Operations director! Vice Chair! Fursuit track lead!” Point taken. The con runs on people, and people run out.

After that I went back to the lobby to see who was still hanging out there. The answer? CatMonkShiro, MothMonarch and Lynx189. The last of whom I had never met before, and he introduced himself with a massage. So yeah, that’s a thing. I desperately needed one at the time, so I went for it, and it was fantastic, actually. I didn’t know I could relax so much while still sitting up. They had to move on before long though, so I did as well, finding Nevir’s crew in good spirits. Ryoken had found something sufficiently caustic to purge his suit of the lifeforms it had accrued over the course of the rest of the con, or at the very least mask their presence for one last shenanigan, perhaps even multiple shenanigans. He had a squeaker installed in his crotch and was adorably, insufferably proud of that particular innovation. That group was going to get pizza though, so I was all about what they were doing. I saw Tatu on the way there. Funnily enough we were both in very similar situations, being tugged along by groups that were going places and would totally leave us behind if we didn’t keep after them. I felt kind of bad about saying hey and running off but it was all I could manage! Sorry, Tatu. Anyways, we got pizza, eventually, and then ate pizza, eventually. We hijacked a bunch of chairs and tables in the back of the Westin and actually had a pretty satisfying sit-down. I got the truly singular experience of watching Ryo eat in suit because it was fuckit O’clock at the end of the con. And all around it was a great way to see those guys off.

I retired to the Zoo, moved back to its proper place now that our lease on the convention hall had expired, and I sat down with (oh Goddammit I am so sick of linking names why do I have so many fucking friends) Aelius, Sirfox, The Gneech, and Indigo, among others. All of whom were arting or at the very least discussing the arting process. I found that I actually fit in very well despite my lack of doing the art. It was a really great way to wind down at the end of the night, with a few breaks to run off and say farewells, among other things. What I had to say on return from such a venture really captures the atmosphere of a con pretty well.

“What was I up to? Well I sat on a piano and led a couple dozen people in a rendition of the theme from Portal, after helping a fox tune his ukulele of course. And then there was that giant balloon with the head of a tiger sticking out of it that was bouncing around in the hallway. Definitely worth checking out if you haven’t seen that.”

We stuck around until they kicked us out of there too. The staff going around closing things down really seemed a lot like they were chasing down a horde of very colorful zombies from place to place, just cropping up somewhere new when they were flushed out of a particular location. I was out in one such location when I figured out that the Toucan I was dancing with was being piloted by Archai. Amusingly enough my first reaction was the exact opposite of excitement. I believe it was something to the effect of “You bought ANOTHER suit? Fucking SERIOUSLY?” I’m so supportive.

I soon came to find out that I had wildly overreacted and Arc was merely in the process of buying another suit, and I got to head back up to the rooms with them to watch the price negotiations with Crux going on. It was actually pretty funny to have the dynamic of both Arc trying to convince me to get a suit and me trying to convince him to stop getting suits. Had this been a sitcom I would’ve ended up outbidding him on it and buying the damn thing myself to resolve this. Fortunately I hadn’t yet lost enough higher brain functions to forget how I’ve been spending the past two years watching my savings account inexorably coast downwards after leaving the navy. It sounded like he was intent on picking up Touc for real, and honestly good for him, I guess. I’m sure he can manage the expense because I’ve seen the goddamn spaceship that he works in. He’s found something that he loves so I guess I can’t really say anything against him doing the hell out of that thing. In any case, it was cruelly late, so of course we wasted another couple hours on philosophical discussions regarding nothing of any great merit before finally deciding we’d had enough and packing it in for the night. Though once again, I suppose it’s better to end on “I’m too exhausted to continue.” than on “Aww, I really wish I’d done this and that other thing.”

Monday: The Festival of Yerfuckinproblem
Right then, the aftermath. This is chronologically dubious, but I’m putting this all in one section because it’s a depressing pain in the ass and I didn’t want it breaking up my con mojo. Now then, I mentioned how I bought a night at the Wyndham Grand to accommodate Marius, but I don’t think I gave the full breadth of what a boneheaded decision that was. It seemed pretty clear to me. It was the only hotel left with reservations available at the con rate, so I went for it. The biggest problem was geographical. I knew there would be distance involved, but I figured I was still young and could handle it. As it turns out, the Doubletree is about two miles away from the convention hall, and the Wyndham is even further away in the opposite direction, and now I had to get my stuff from one hotel to the other. I’d taken this task on early because I knew what a pain in the ass it would be. It was the first thing I did after leaving closing ceremonies. Unfortunately that’s also when they stopped doing shuttle service, so I’d have to drive. Not a big deal, I thought. I’d make it work.

It turns out I’d underestimated the passion with which Pittsburgh sticks to its motto of “If you own a car, FUCK YOU!” Parking is kinda shit most places, but never this bad. There was no goddamn place to park anywhere near the Wyndham Grand, not even for a little while so I could drop off my stuff. The parking garage that was RIGHT UNDER THE GODDAMN BUILDING was half lease only and half for some completely unrelated snooty rich housing development. Protip: anyplace with “Tower” in the name is a snooty rich housing development. Not that they’d inform you you’re not allowed to park there out at street level with some plebian bullshit like a SIGN or whatever. No they wait until you’ve already driven down underground into a narrow causeway and are sitting at the gate like an asshole to tell you that slavering proletariat urchins like yourself aren’t good enough to park here. Stuck up fuckwad wouldn’t even raise the gate so I could turn around. Did they teach goddamn spatial perception in that high school you flunked out of to end up as a parking lot attendant, jackass? It takes ROOM to back around, and we are in a FUCKING HOLE IN THE GROUND. He came by to direct traffic around me after I made it abundantly clear that I cared next to nothing about how many of those snobby tightwads I ran over on my way out.

I wondered aloud how the Wyndham managed to function at such an utter lack of an extremely basic utility. I wondered no more when I saw that they helpfully offered valet parking for $35 a night. Fuck that, fuck you, fuck everything, and fuck the Wyndham Grand. Fuck it right in its fat pretentious suckhole of a face. I went to a garage that was a substantial walk away just to spite them. Karma didn’t care for that, and when I got back to my car to leave the garage I found that I’d missed the sign out front advertising “special event parking rate” for a baseball game that was going on. The “special” rate was $20 for up to 12 hours. Which naturally meant that 45 minutes ALSO cost $20. So fine, whatever. It wasn’t even about the money, it was more about not rewarding those fuckwads for their bullshit scheme. Apparently it was about rewarding some other, sleazier fuckwad for HIS scheme somewhere else. Justice. Goddamn. Served. Having to walk two miles back and forth to the non-sleazy-fuckwad garage by the convention hall was worth every step. And it was a nice walk, really. It’s hard to describe the value of using such a time to collect your thoughts while everything is going to shit all around you, and picking up a lost paw on the sidewalk while doing so. It’s truly a singular experience.

I did sleep though, eventually. That was something that they couldn’t price me out of. So that was good. And even though the cheery weasely bastards at the Wyndham couldn’t ruin my rest, MARIUS sure as hell could! Remember that part in the middle where I finally shook him off and he stopped being my problem for most of the con, yeah that fuckin’ honeymoon ended abruptly. He called me at Seven-thirty-oh-my-God-go-swallow-a-horseshoe-and-fucking-die-you-useless-human-sponge in the morning to let me know that all his roomies had checked out and he was stuck just waiting around in the lobby, which sounded to me like it was none of my concern. So after briefly reviewing with him a new concept called YOUR goddamn problem, I went back to sleep. And then after I woke up of my own volition, had a leisurely shower and some breakfast, I headed down to the lobby to pick him up. The Westin lobby, natch, and of course I came to find that Tweedle Dumb meant the Hampton because he couldn’t be arsed to drag his fat sack of stupid over to the Westin where I can actually park. So I collected him and we were off on our incredible journey again. Oh joy.

A lot of the regret and anxiety I had over the late nights at the con came from the eight hours of road ahead of me, and boy was past-me right, and boy was past-me dumb for picking the fun option. Driving at this level of fatigue is torturous, and dangerous I suppose, but I’m still young enough to be invincible, right? The ride was slightly improved by the fact that Marius had also taken on quite a few late nights, so I had to endure a fair bit less of his consciousness. I’d say I’d gotten some peace and quiet but he sounded like he was half-heartedly trying to dislodge a deflated balloon animal from his sinus cavity. Not loud really, just profoundly unhealthy.

I won’t say Marius never did anything for me though, because his bleariness at one point led him to mistake an episode of Welcome to Nightvale for an actual news broadcast, which was just the entertainment I needed to momentarily stop hating everything about the world. Naps helped with that too. I stopped for two of them just because I didn’t see as I had much other choice. On the second one he wondered what he’d do while I rested because his phone was dead. That was an excellent opportunity for a little refresher course on “YOUR fucking problem”, because if he had any useful goddamn skills like say DRIVING or something then he wouldn’t have to just sit around with his thumb up his ass while I tried to restore my brain to working order. The next round of your-fucking-problem 101 came after the revelation that he hadn’t eaten anything for breakfast. That one deserved a Grumpy Cat meme. “You’re starving because you forgot food was a thing? Good.” I was SO done with Marius, long before I ever got him home, which I actually did. I’m not a monster. I even stayed and slept on his couch for a solid hour or so before I said goodbye. Not because I really wanted to spend time there. Much as I wanted to get the hell out of there I wasn’t willing to risk my life on it. The rest did help a lot and I made it home just in time to sleep a whole bunch more.

In the lead-up to the con when I first mentioned the situation with Marius there was a lot of speculation as to what the cost of my mistake in taking on this burden might be. Obviously the toll on my spirit has been incalculable, but looking at the fiscal side of things and comparing it to my normal con expenditures might be an interesting exercise, so I’ll take a swing at it.

Non-Marius expenses:
Room: $95
Food (restaurant): $110
Food (other): $35
Booze: $70
Swag: $23
Badge: $50
Gas: $50
Parking: $36
Total: $469

Marius-related expenses:
Additional Food (other): $14
Additional Room: $171
Additional Parking: $33 (STILL $2 cheaper than valet. Suck it, Wyndham Grand!)
Additional Gas: $43
Paid: -$40
Total: $221

So yeah, a 47% idiot tax is a lot harsher than usual. But then again furries tend to breed a very egregious class of idiot. Certainly worth noting that he managed to cost me more money than he had saved up for the entire trip. Really though, I don’t hold a great deal of malice towards him. Obviously I plan to never interact with him in person again if that can at all be helped, but there’s a reason I still had enough respect for him to not attach a name to all this rage and bile. Ignorance explains a great deal of the stuff he fucked up, and had I the presence of mind to apply a bit more diligence to the room situation I wouldn’t have been hit a fraction as hard by that as I was. He never really struck me as a bad guy, just someone quite unfamiliar with how literally everything in the world works. That hefts a lot of responsibility, financial and otherwise, onto those of us who have actually experienced Earth before in person.

Perhaps though, I might’ve given him the first step he needed to actually acquaint himself with the world of the living. Marius is sure as hell in for a few hard falls along that road, but he may yet make it one day. Sure I hate myself for having indulged him, but I get the feeling this decision is a lot like those late nights. I probably would’ve hated myself for not doing it just as much. Knowing that I was there having fun and along the way I abandoned someone whom I had the chance to allow to do the same just wouldn’t have been right. These events are a unique and wondrous pleasure that I have in my life and they’re something I wouldn’t want to deny to anyone. In the end, I’m glad that I chose the way I did. Far too many people choose the “Remain slightly richer and fuck someone over” path, and we’d live in a far better world if that were not the case.

I guess I’ll close this by pushing back the temporal boundaries a little further. One of the last things I did before animal control chased us out of the Zoo that final night was meet up with Shawshank one more time. I think I’ve mentioned on a previous occasion Nevir’s outstanding commitment to that character. Very slow and ethereal movements and an otherworldly detachment in his communicative gestures and general demeanor. It all comes together into a very genuinely alien experience, which suits the character just brilliantly. And of course he never speaks, that would ground the illusion far too much. So I wasn’t terribly surprised when my interaction with him consisted of him miming a few simple concepts to get a general point across, and then departing with a hug. What I certainly didn’t expect was to have something whispered in my ear as we embraced. “Thanks for the coat. You saved my convention.” That really kind of brought it all together for me.

“I can’t believe I got to hug a fursuiter, that was amazing!”
“You saved my convention.”
“I never would’ve made it here if not for you.”

Hardly minor achievements, if I do say so myself, eh?

You know, I talk a lot about all the interesting people I meet, the things I do with them and the lessons I learn from them. It really is a central part of the whole convention experience. These days though, when I think of how well I get along with people here, and how frequently randos that I just bumped into that one time want to hang out with me again, I like to think that these were all steps on a journey. One that hopefully ends with me becoming one of those friendly, fascinating people that everyone goes to cons to meet.

Here’s hoping.